The Highs and Lows of Development

Hey Developers :)

I'm back from my mini-festival and just catching up with the posts.

ISOM - I loved your post. Just what I needed. 1.5lbs is a loss and bearing in mind how tough things have been - physically and emotionally, I'm still losing.
Thanks Mrs L as ever for your lovely words :D

So the weekend was pretty hideous to be honest, and in a way I wish I hadnt gone. I knew July was going to be such a tough month for me and although I really tried not to turn it into a self fulfilling prophecy, I probably did. Although to be fair, the better alternative would've been to have cancelled some of the stuff I had on. I didn't have to go to everything and I'm pretty certain (looking at my losses and my non abstinent days), that I shouldn't have done.

Anyway, July is finally almost over. I have no more major overseas's trips until September and have a lovely mini break booked in for end Aug. No idea yet whether I'm going to be abstinent for that, but I'm not stressing about it and will make a decision nearer the time.

Hope everyone has had a lovely weekend :D
 
Oh dear heavens TigerGirl - I have had the weekend from hell - I have been snappy and irritable and going through hell - I want to bite someone's head off every time I think about food. My poor mother had to put up with so much - I was very anti-social and rude and couldn't keep my mind on anything for two minutes. I've also been exhausted for two weeks. I wanted to go on one of my favourite 13 mile walks through a beautiful valley but I think I would have collapsed. I feel weak and unable to leap up stairs - so next Monday, 5 days after my wisdom teeth op, I will start management - I'll have cottage cheese for the first two days or maybe lightly poached fish if I feel up to chewing, but I feel like it's time for food t come back, because this anxiety about the transition is driving me nuts!
 
Pleased the post was helpful TG! I just felt there was alot of nagitivity & very little positive creeping in & that can be so destructive. Sorry you had such a bad weekend!
Pleased you have come to the decision to start management Cerrulean. You're what they call " a little dut" round these here parts and we dont want you fading away! I think you probably just know when the time is right & our post is confirmation of this! Just see how you go with the teeth though - not eating may actually be a help for a bit! Sure your mum will forgive you! I'd also suspect that, if you were anything like I was overweight, that you were still happier this weekend being grumpy than you were being overweight!! Thinking of you with the teeth (just posted on the blog!)...huge hugs for you!
 
Sarah I'm sure the pre-op stuff isn't helping and the transition to management is terrifying in itself, without any additional strain. But with 9lb to go I really do think you're there. And your pics are **amazing**, so visually, you are definitely there!

Putting all of the emotional turmoil aside, if that's possible, on a very simple note, the ritualistic side of eating, well it's pretty major in itself. So please don't beat up on yourself, I think it's more than 'normal' to be feeling like this and for us singletons, the F's & F's do get it in the neck!!

As your BMI is at 23.4 just now, surely that's got something to do with it? I just looked at mine actually - even though it's on my ticker I just hadn't really thought about it hovering around 28. That's almost 25. That's almost healthy. As you approach your target of 22 your body must be getting a little more demanding?

Anyway, the upside about the op must be that you are guaranteed some down time, and a bit of a rest. I absolutely know that I've been overdoing it massively all month. Here's to a few quiet weeks (except on here of course :D)
 
ISOM - 'A little dut'? Wow - I thought I knew every bit of slang this country had to offer (I did linguistics at Uni and have lived almost everywhere in the UK) Or maybe I never heard it because I never was one before?

You're quite right - I actually look skinny to myself now and it's the WEIRDEST sensation - I am in semi denial about whether that gorgeous girl in the shop window actually is me or not - my brain really has dropped behind my body at this stage - I'd been working so hard on my feelings and thoughts that I'd clean forgot that there are changes on the surface I haven't accepted yet - I've dropped two jeans sizes in 4 weeks - I can't quite believe it. I feel like a kid in a sweet shop.

My sister did say that I seemed more miserable now - but it must be a huge adjustment for her that I couldn't socialise and be silly with her because I can't drink and I was freezing cold. I was forcing the 'fun' side of my personality before. Some people say I have a sparkle in my eyes that had never been there before though...so that was lovely.
 
Tiger Girl said:
I think it's more than 'normal' to be feeling like this and for us singletons, the F's & F's do get it in the neck!!

As your BMI is at 23.4 just now, surely that's got something to do with it? I just looked at mine actually - even though it's on my ticker I just hadn't really thought about it hovering around 28. That's almost 25. That's almost healthy. As you approach your target of 22 your body must be getting a little more demanding?

Anyway, the upside about the op must be that you are guaranteed some down time, and a bit of a rest. I absolutely know that I've been overdoing it massively all month. Here's to a few quiet weeks (except on here of course :D)
Click to expand...

You're so right -
Being around people is actually quite a challenge - even more so at the moment - and as there's been no one to get it in the neck for so long I must be making up for lost time!

I think the fact that I must be down to the last of my body fat must have changed what and how my body is drawing on it.

I'm looking forward to the quiet to be honest - I managed to get two nights of more than 8 hours sleep this weekend for the first time in weeks.
 
Hello Everyone

Just wanted to give support to TG and Cerulean, in particular, after such testing weekends. Mine was one of extremes - extremely good and extremely bad. Never mind.

TG - one word of advice - you're on the home stretch - try to be super, super kind to yourself and give yourself a clear run for the rest of the "summer"! This diet only really worked for me when I could have lots of time to process all that is going on. Development co-incided with a hideous lifestyle change and ever since then, I have struggled to feel in control.

Cerulean - in a way, it's the same; you need space to process all that weekend activity. Family stuff (and home stuff) is intense.

ISOM - wise words, as always!

I am craving time to myself because it's all been too much, to be honest.

So, sending love and kind thoughts to all the Developers (as this is the Development thread!).

Let's try to have a really good week.

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Hey Developers

Well I'm back to basics in a big way. And phew, if the hardships of today are anything to go by I'm definitely going through the motions of getting back into ketosis in a big way.
I'm seeing today as Day 1, there were way too many things slipping in which I was getting very reliant on - of course I didn't realise at the time, but now that the losses have slowed so badly and mentally I'm just not as strong as I was a few months back, I've had to accept that they need to go.
So even though they're allowed, the bars are completely banished this week.
No more skinny cappucino's.
No more little innocent splash of milk in my tea.
Much more water than I've been having lately.

I have to say, weirdly I can really notice that I've not done any real exercise for 3 weeks. I hadn't realised just how toned up I was feeling until I stopped. Wow. Like a real slim person does when they stop going to the gym for a bit. I'm starting my personal training back up at the weekend and am back swimming in the mornings before work. I had to have that break after overdoing it and making myself quite poorly, which led to the breaking of the Golden Time.

Hmmm...it's been an interesting month, no doubt about that.

Heard something interesting the other day which really rang the alarm bells loudly. A friend of a friend is in Development and looks really amazing. She wants to go lower (not sure of the details), but is really struggling (sound familiar anyone?). Apparantly she's put a stone on in a very short space of time as she's off the wagon and 'just eating anything she likes'. As I said, I'm not sure of the details, but it rang home to me in that I won't go into Management either yet appear to be ok sabbotaging myself by breaking abstinence on 6 occassions (yes, all written down last night and quite scary reading I have to say) and making bad, bad, bad choices around that entire area.

So what do you do?

I feel like I'm almost in the last chance saloon and if I don't break the danger pattern soon I'm going to have to go into management, or risk everything. That's what it genuinely feels like. At the same time, I'm also feeling that I must finish this - I absolutely must. Yes, all a bit confusing really but I'm doing loads and loads of work to truly work through it and get some answers.

I need a breakthrough. One week at a time isn't enough for me as I truly feel like I'm scraping through and need to know that I can do 4 weeks solid. Of course, I *know* that I can because I've already done many blocks of 4 weeks, so the evidence is there. But I do feel that I'm at a bit of a standstill weight wise and I need to get into the 12 st range.

The things that I've learned about why the wobbles started are;
- I just got too complacent with the *endless* compliments about how great I look.
- I then just became obsessed with how great I look! (But know now that this all needs to be positioned in the context of 'Compared to how I used to look' I absolutely am not at my goal - absolutely not!)
- I wasn't really paying any attention to how I was actually feeling (boy, I'm making up for that right now!)
- I became obsessive about getting finished and as previously posted, was running the 'I can't wait for this to be finished, I hate this programme' belief to the max.

So it has to be 4 weeks hardcore, and then review. I'm pretty certain that actually it's going to be 8 weeks before I'm done, but I'm starting with the 4 weeks and then we'll see.

I have some great coping strategies in place. Most of which involve cancelling almost everything in my diary and just indulging in a bit of me time. I know that I'm at my best when I can focus and that's exactly what I need - some focus.

Lets hope everyone else is having a good week on the Development bus :D
 
I hear you TG - it really is a week of back to basics...these wobbles are terrifyingly predictable!

I need to have a bit of a think about your post there as there's a lot going on I can really identify with - it really taps into some of my fears. I'm not complact with the comments at all - in fact today's piece was going to be about how much I hate the comments and wish they would stop.
 
Thanks Sarah - I'd really appreciate some advice. I remember you saying something about the last few weeks, and weight, melting away and I really think if I get some good losses under my belt (in my official capacity as 'the fastest loser in my group'), I'd gain some momentum.

I know what you mean about the comments. I don't want to hear them right now, they really did get under my skin and lull me into a false sense of security. Strangely enough my neighbour emailed me when I was about a month or 2 into LL and included in the email that she'd noticed I'd lost weight and "be careful you don't lose too much". She then pretty much stopped speaking to me! I bumped into her over the weekend and the very first thing she said to me was "I think you've lost too much weight, surely you won't be losing anymore?"
I can only imagine the comments you're getting at under 10st!
Bugger the lot of them. I've also noticed that if I disclose my numbers people almost faint. I've always been much heavier than I actually look, so people are shocked when I say I've lost over 6st and want to lose 8!
I've started keeping the numbers to myself now and if anyone asks how much I've lost I just say 'ooh - LOADS' and smile graciously, even though quite often I want to stab them in the face with a fork :D And hey, I'm a lover not a fighter :D
 
Thanks ladies!
I've been having a 'getting back on the wagon' week and I can't say I've been perfect BUT I am heading back in the same direction. The scales at home are nudging down again. Water is vastly improved. The transgressions have been fairly minor and I am working on cutting them out completely. I have started this week (3rd time this morning) going to the gym before work and doing 30 mins either on treadmill or crosstrainer. This sets me up for a good day and feeling positive as well as the toning and exercise benefits. Tonight I am doing a Step class as well.

I have set myself a goal for August. I am aiming to have lost 20lbs by 28 August.

I also have a few challenges this month but I am sure I am up to them. We are hosting a party on August 11 and the following weekend we are going to the V Festival.

This diet is all about mind games and I am practising the power of positive thinking and trying to be in the moment. ;)
 
Hi everyone

I just did a huge Beginner's Guide to LighterLife and do you know what? I thought..I need to do the same for Development! It was an eye-opening experience to revisit Foundation and I thought I really do need to get more focused (sounds familiar?!?!?!?)!

So, I shall post in the next couple of days or so and maybe, just maybe, we can help ourselves through the final hurdle.

Sarah - good luck with the teeth. Take good care of yourself.

TG - hope you are ok and being kind to yourself.

And everyone else, massive hugs for the Development rollercoaster!

Big kiss.

Mrs L xxxxxxx
 
Developers :D

I have good news - no, great news. I'm back! Seriously back. Not just on a 'thankgod I've got through the day' back, but actually back.
I'm not really sure how, but I feel like something has left my head. It's weird. Good weird.

Mrs L - I read something on your blog which really helped. I shall come over and visit and leave a comment :D

The Development dark clouds have lifted. If I had the energy I'd probably leap up and down, but as I haven't I shall lie here in contentment instead! :D

One of the things that has definitely helped define the breakthrough is accepting that I actually don't know when this is going to end. And guess what? Noone does! My LLC, the books, the charts, the info....noone actually knows how long Development will last. I will know when it's over, and it's absolutely ok not knowing exactly when that will be. Sounds pretty simple but I guess I really was torturing myself.


I'm so happy I could sob :D :D :D
 
Hi all,
Feeling really tired after a mega work day & then B&Q which always does my head in! Great posts and good to see that people are working through issues. We'll get there! Ca totally relate to the weird bodything & people commenting, although I like it my work day slows down! Also had a bloke say hello gorgeous to me this am! Male attention is quite bizarre having been invisible for well over 10 years! Nice but in a scary kind of way! Did want to share though that I gleefully got into a size 12 skirt today! Again odd as my tummy big & I have to say I have none of the being complacent blues! Feeling very focussed as so close just dont want to cock it up now! I had to pop into group to pick up banana packs and sat with a few foundation people...quite biarre watching others on the same journey interact early on! Wish I could observe the group (typical social worker me!!) for longer! Tried to encourage one woman who felt it was endless and noone has noticed so told her to hang in, they will!!! Off to bed I go but just wante dto share the size 12 news! Anyone else been having problems with gums? Mine are terrible to point I need to start using dentist/infceation stuff!! LL is not good for sinks or gums!!
 
Bingeathon

Ah.

Seem to have had another binge. Won't talk abut what I ate, but do you know what, junk doesn;t taste very nice and I've realised there's a particular type of food I dislike intensely.

I assume it's something to do with hitting 21% body fat (my tummy doesn't float in the bath any more - its now concave and very wrinkly with nothing in it) and wanting my periods back and being frightfully superstitious about general anaesthetic and pissed off about a situation at work.

Interesting. May have to do another couple of weeks of development to get myself back in the right frame of mind for management...we'll see how the op goes. No intention to self medicate after I come round.
 
In search of me said:
Hi all,
Anyone else been having problems with gums? Mine are terrible to point I need to start using dentist/infceation stuff!! LL is not good for sinks or gums!!
Click to expand...

Yup - I have gum disease - my teeth are also really very sensitive around the gumline now.

Congratulations to the heights on size 12. It's a beautiful place to be ;)
 
Sarah - I've come to a similar realisation this morning.

I had a binge last night after weigh in. I had lost 3lbs but had thought it would be more. Not sure if it's just too simplistic to equate what i did with the disappointment or there are other emotions involved. I will try to do a thought record but sometimes I feel quite 'mindless' when I do that and it's hard to work out exactly what I was thinking. But I will try!

Anyway, I realised afterwards that I didn't really enjoy any of it. I was not doing it for a sense of enjoyment. So I need to focus on the why.

I also noticed that when I was walking from the gym to the train station this morning that no food posters tempted me in the slightest. My tastes are changing. The last time I was naughty and had a latte I didn't enjoy it. The other lapses I've had that were previously yummy foods have also not been enjoyable.

I need to remember this and know that a lapse is not worth it if I don't enjoy the experience!

The things I do crave are fresh and healthy foods. But I don't want to binge on them. So this perhaps bodes well for the future.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience. Good luck with the teeth and the route to management. I'm sure that will be an opportunity for learning still!
 
A positive post about Development? I'm almost fainting myself! :D
I was very confused last week. I just felt like I had no answers. Everytime I asked myself 'what should I do?' - mind blank.
But over the last few days I've found a way to keep things much more simple (everything was getting way too complicated).
I realised I really only had 2 choices;
- stop
- continue
I made a deal with myself that I had to make a choice and then did a lot of writing stuff down about what following each of these options looked, sounded and felt like.
There was absolutely no contest really, I want to finish this and I want to get into management. Stopping now had no real benefits - lots of short term benefits but no long term gains (other than of the weight gain variety - ho-ho)
Sounds pretty simple I guess, but writing it all down in detail - what my hour to hour day to day life looked, sounded and felt like helped me isolate some of the problems and really gave me a lot of insight.
I've also looked at the amount of self torture I've inflicted upon myself in the last month - what's all that about??

A few things that came up for me;
- People look at me now and tell me that I've 'achieved so much'. I'm not really feeling this to be honest. I know on paper that I have, but I'm definitely not in touch with the feeling of 'achievement'. I guess I've always been seen by others as an over achiever, yet I appear not to be able to identify what that feels like. Much work to be done on this.

- Reward strategies.
I don't really have any. I'm working on this. I think it needs to be very different from spending money on myself - something I've done a lot of so far on my LL journey.

- Pushing myself/punishing myself.
This has been hand in hand. I'm determined to treat myself like a princess until the end of Development.

So I picked up a goal setting book that I bought way back, and got stuck in!

My goal started as;
I want to stay in abstinence until I've achieved my management goal weight.

I then expanded that to;
This means that I want to rediscover the mental strength I need to stay abstinent. I want the tools and mental skills required to fight the demons, voices and 'waves' of temptation that seem to hit me unawares. I want to focus on the fabulous results staying abstinent get me; both physically and mentally. I want to understand and feel the achievements from staying abstinent.

I then wrote down a definition of all of the key words and phrases in my goal (very powerful), and then wrote an action plan for the month.

Feel amazing for doing it! Princess Tiger Girl of Development signing off :D
 
'Oh Tiger Girl you clever clever thing' - as my LLC would say to me when I've thought things through properly and had a lightbulb in class! (Except she'd call me Sarah!)

The two choices thing is something I thought about this week - every time I felt like stopping I thought 'You have two choices, do you want to stop or carry on?' and every time 'Carry on' was my resounding choice.
I thought about the food I was missing an luckily that choice was made easier by the fact that a lot of the food I had fantasised no longer tastes so good in my imagination or in real life. So in a way the binge actually had a very positive effect on me in that it reminded me that I don't really care about the food - that it really isn't the be all and end all any more. It's not worth it. It's not my answer when I feel bad.

Achievement - I seem to be ignoring it at the moment - I seem to be in a transition phase where I ignore the enormity of my achievement because it's just so much! I am sort of ignoring the fact that I am thin at the moment - I just can'
t quite get my head around it.

Reward strategies - I need some of these too - especially the free ones! Baths and pampering don't really cut it for me because I always did this anyway...I have really nice bedlinen - I fill the house with flowers and yet I still feel...well - I have no idea how to treat myself...

Goals. I was very specific. I thought back to my original goal from 2006 after Paul McKenna - and here it is...


s320x320


That very last sentence says that I will be under 10st by this Sunday. It might be a slightly tall order but I have a feeling that my official weigh in will be under 10st because I said it would be last year!

I am meant to be doing some other goal setting this week - I'll let you know how it goes even if I don;t tell you what the actual goal is :)

Anyway - my head feels like it is going to explode so I shall have to go and take the painkillers which means I'll be out for the count soon. But I managed to cut them down to two doses today - so that's an improvement - even if I was a scowly old mare for most of the day.

Thank you Princess Tiger Girl!
 
Girls

What FABULOUS posts. Sarah - I am BLOWN away by your Paul McKenna goal! It's so uncannily accurate. I did a blog, about two months ago, about treasure maps and how I had finally met someone whose map had come true! And then I saw yours. Amazing!

TG - awesome, as usual, you overachiever, you! Too much to take in so want to give it some thought and respond properly.

Here's a question - do you think overachievers are drawn to a programme like LL? I've noticed how many of us are perfectionists/control freaks (well, I am), etc etc. Just a thought.

In the meantime, here's the guide to Development. I'm not happy with it (now there's a surprise) but I've decided to let it go! What we really need are those exercises; I've got some I can write up and, I've just checked through my blog posts and there are several drafts that I just haven't finished. And guess what? They're all Development related! Ha ha

Anyway, I'm doing back to basics this week, too. Guide to follow.

Goodnight - or should that be Good Morning!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
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