Turning 40 - having a trauma about it - HELP - :-(

[julie19]

Hiya - I turned 39 last week and up until the day I felt ok about it, on my birthday though I woke up at 4.30am and just thought 'is this it?' This is the last year I can say I am in my 30's, I am not married, no kids, I live with a guy and we have been engaged for years but we have never set the date to get married, I can't imagine having kids now at my age and I feel like I haven't achieved anything yet. I have a good job, am well respected (as far as I know) by my colleagues, I get to travel regularly to the overseas offices but still feel like I have missed something out in life. Last week when I tried to tell people how I was feeling everyone just kept saying I was being silly and it would all be fine but to be honest I am already dreading next January when I turn 40, maybe I am slightly depressed, I don't feel it though and I don't feel like I have any reason to be, is this all normal?

 

[Littleslimmingbee]

YES! It is TOTALLY normal!
Hun, it sounds like you and jester_tears are going through the same thing. Maybe you two need to get together lol
- I think there comes a time in your life where you have to decide if your going to continue being unsure about the descions you made, or didnt make.. or the things you did or didnt.. or cant decide if you will...
If you want it do it. no one else will do it for you..
if you want to set a date, you set it.. no matter how far in the future it may or may not be
you want kids, then you need to have a chat with your OH and see where you stand, you cant produce them on your own, and they wont be too impressed should you not tell them, so i suggest you tell them, discuss.. You might not be the only one feeling that way. It aint gunna happen if you dont discuss.
if you want to 'achieve' somthing, set a goal and do it. there is no 'achievement' if there is no goal to achieve!

Your friends and family may mind it awkward discussing things like this with you because they love you so much, and its difficult to hear someone tell you they'r unsure about things and feel unfufilled.. and i think, as we'v seen in this post, more often than not.. we are ALL thinking the same thing.. its just that no one likes to discuss and face up to it, if we all stopped for a secounds and realised its okay to feel this way, and discussed it.. we wouldn't all be panicing about hitting 40... would we?


Love to alll..


*hugs* x

 

[judimac]

Originally Posted by JestersTear
I'm finding it very hard to find any positives in my life atm, to be honest.....


Oh Huney! We all go through times like this, I was like that when my husband lost his job culminating in us losing our house. I never envisaged not owning my own house. I was very bitter about it for quite a while. But what you have to do is believe that things will get better. I turn 60 in August. I haven't travelled much, and not done alot of things I would like to, but lately I find that my priorities have changed. The things that matter to me now don't have anything to do with possessions,I get pleasure from growing my own veg, being outside in the garden, making sure that I'm as healthy as I can be. I'm off work at the moment due to depression and anxiety, and it's taking longer than usual to pull out of it, but my GP is marvellous. Go and discuss it with yours. Medication may not work for everyone, but it does for me.
One huge positive is that you've had the dedication to lose 4 stone! That's a WONDERFUL achievement! You've had a good job, people respect you. If you're not working at the moment then the days will seem very long and you will brood.
Make sure you have a structure to your day, plan things that don't cost anything but will get you out of the house and amongst people. If you're depressed of course this is the last thing you fancy doing. Could you do an afternoon in a charity shop for a while. You'd have the satisfaction of knowing you were doing something useful and have some social interaction.
Or with your weightloss, could you consider training to be a consultant? What you need is a plan to take you forward. Looking back we all see things we would have done differently. We can't alter the past, but we can plan for the future.Good luck.xx

 

[suepat10]

I think Judi has hit the nail on the head when she said We can't alter the past, but we can plan for the future.

I totally agree with you when you say 'if only it were that simple'. Life more often than not isn't that simple. Anyone who has had it that simple is plain lucky! My first husband died on 6 January 1997 which had a knock on effect in the long run of me being homeless and bankrupt. So often the way our life goes is not totally in our hands BUT we have to make decisions on the knowledge we have at that moment in time.

So as Judi says, we can't totally control the future BUT we can plan for it xx

Hugest hugs and hope you are feeling better xxx

 

[Princess Sausage]

Hi,

I am forty in exactly a months time!! I think you are right it does make you take stock, look back and then look forward to what you want to achieve for the rest of your life. Life dosent always turn out as we hope and maybe the issue of kids is coming to the fore for you as you reach your fortieth. I couldnt have kids but knew I could not manage without children in my life and I certainly can understand this aspect. However I wasnt in the position of having a hubby not wanting them. We adopted 3 beautiful children an whilst I always feel I missed out growing my children inside me, I am a Mum through and through to my children. Not tying to upset you but this was the biggest thing for me in adulthood and somthing I would have struggled with if I hadnt managed to be a Mum. I used to have mild bouts of depression til we had the children.

I dont know if this is the issue for you or there is any room to sort it somehow with your other half.

Thoughts are with you.

 

[julie19]

I read through everyone's posts on here (including my own) and sat at my desk and cried (good job the boss is away), it has made me feel better knowing that I am not alone feeling like this and Fern's posts are amazing, I wish I had her head on my shoulders at 18, I would have done a lot of things differently but as someone has said, we can't change the past but we can plan for the future. I think it is time for me & the OH to sit down and talk babies & weddings and everything else, we would also both love the emigrate to Canada as this is where the head office of my firm is and I don't want to give up the job so maybe now I need to speak to them seriously about it and make them aware that this is something we want to do as soon as a position becomes available, I need to get a grip on my future, make a list of everything I would like to do before I hit 50 and maybe I will feel better about life, a win on the lottery would be good too...or a nice big pay rise at the moment..

Thanks everyone for all the advice & words of wisdom - it does make a huge difference

 

[Littleslimmingbee]

OOO canada! can i come? lol


- Im so pelased you feel better, and your activly planning your future. (just because your 40 doesnt mean you dont have one to plan exciting things for!)

Go for it, and let us know how you get on of course!! )


Jester_tears, youv not posted for a while, and this after all is your thread. So i hope you are okay and are feeling better? and if not, maybe a big cry will help.


Lots of love to you. x

 

[Sticky]

I'm sorry you've been feeling low and glad it's on the up. Hugs xxx

 

[JestersTear]

Had a very emotional night due to one reason and another and so I'll post properly another time, as I feel very emotionally fragile atm x

 

[Princess Sausage]

Hope your ok JT?

 

[Laddiesboy]

The only alternative to turning 40 ...

is dying before you are 40!!

Live each day as if it is your last, one day it will be