UmmZakaria's Open & Honest Diary

[gracielou09]

Hey hun,

Just caught up on your diary. Your doing so so well not just with the food but the exercise too.

Sorry to hear about you an hubs. When I lost 31/2 stone a few years back my husband like yours encouraged me but inside the more weight I lost and the more confident I became the less secure he felt. They need to adjust to our changes just as much as we do (I'm not as articulate as SB, who hit the nail on the head). I know you'll work it out huni it's just a period of adjustment, the key is to keep talking and not to let it fester and become bigger than what it needs to be ...easier said than done when your in the thick of it I know!

Big hugs to you lovely ...Your unstoppable!

xxxxxx

 

[Julz]

Hey umm, no I'm not doing slimming world I can't update my ticker as I can't remember the password! But I have been intermit fasting, so that is 2 24hr fasts a week. I've lost 2.5 stones so far but can't seem to budge on the scales at the mo (partly my fault ) don't know wot to do at the mo need to sort my head out again I think xxx

Hi naz, I had the same problem with my ticker, I just made a new one and kept the password to 1, harder to forget!
Good luck on your journey
Jx

 

[UmmZakaria]

RTM Week 5, Day 4

Right, first things first -yesterday was cr@p. I ate things I shouldn't have done, including carby nonsense. I spent the whole day feeling sooo tired and sooo rubbish. That was yesterday. This is today. I will say no more about it.

Things with my husband are by no means sorted but I think we're getting there slowly. He's being civil and we're spending a lot of time cuddled up and when we're both ready we will talk things through. I'm still feeling sad as I miss him so much but I have hope now that I haven't blown it and that we can work it out. He's asleep at the moment but I'm going to suggest that we go for coffee this morning (with the toddler gooseberry) or do something before he goes to work. He might say no but I can try.

I was looking after my little guy yesterday and because my husband was at home he had Zaki so I went for a little walk with the buggy. We ended up in Asda (we always do) and as my size 14 trousers have been feeling quite loose I wanted to just see... if I could get into a size 12. Well, I tried on 2 different pairs - a pair of tight crops and a paid of work type trousers and they both fit! Not just did up but did up comfortably with no pulling or tightness. Luckily I was in the easy access changing room so there was plenty of room to jump about whooping. Now, I do think that Asda's sizes are quite generous so I'll just have to pop to town this afternoon to try on some in Zara and Mango and see what they have to say. I've never been that bothered about clothes sizes but I think that was perhaps because I've never even considered that I could get into a 12. I've always been told that I'm "big boned" (WTH) and I do have quite wide hips so have just always thought that a 12 was out of the question as my bones wouldn't physically fit. So getting them on is quite a big deal for me now. I have never felt less self conscious walking into a fitting room. I normally have to figure out how to hid the size tags on the hangers by draping them or making sure they're the right way round (as if anyone who cared couldn't figure out my size by looking at the size of my arse!)

It's my exercise day off today which is quite nice - I am trying to make sure I do something every day apart from Fridays so that my body gets a complete rest. In Islam Friday is the Sunday equivalent so I figured it's quite a good day to do it. My day of rest!

So, today is going to be a good day. I am going to stick to plan after my disaster day yesterday. I don't know what happened really, Zaki was being really, really hard work and as my husband is working lates at the moment so don't get any relief. I'm potty training at the moment which is hard work - we seem to be swinging from success to complete and utter disaster and it's frustrating and tiring to say the least. I'm feeling a bit at sea at the moment emotionally and think I just needed to lapse, even if the only purpose was to reassure myself that food is not the answer. Because it certainly wasn't. I felt even more tired and rubbish. I was really wanting to finish on a positive note but I'm now sat here in floods of tears and think I need to take stock - sometimes being truthful with myself doesn't help

 

[slendablenda]

Dear Umm
So sorry you had a sh*t day yesterday. LL is so much more than a diet. Once we start to get into the psychological side it opens up so much more insight into ourselves and other people. That isn't always positive or comfortable. It's often things we have swallowed with food and hoped to forget over the years. We remember and discover things about ourselves that make us feel unsettled. When you read everyone's diairies you will see that people start to uncover and deal with these issues. It's often painful, but somehow once you acknowledge them and start to deal with them it feels very liberating and allows you to move forward with your life.
I hope that's the case for you.
Ypu have so much going on at the moment . It's not surprising you had a wobble and go back to your old comfort, food. Especially now while you aren't sure about the comfort you'll be getting from your husband. Sounds like things are slowly mending, but you will need to talk to each other even though quiet cuddles may feel safer.
Have you got anyone who could look after Zaki for a little while so that you two could go somewhere away from home for a quiet talk. In the daytime a hotel lounge is often a quiet anonymous place where you can sit in a quiet corner and talk.
That's what my OH and I have done a couple of times, most recently after I got my cancer diagnosis, so we could try and get our heads round it. We both had different immediate reactions.He was worried I would lose my hair, I was worried I would die (Men/Women!!!!)
Your tears are probably not just because of your mini carb-fest, but due to the other stuff too.
Now my LLC would say !Build a bridge and get over yourself"
Sounds like you've already made that decision.
Enjoy your day of rest, be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes.
Congratulations on the size 12 trousers whatever the make.
Fantastic achievement. Don't despair if the designer ones don't quite do up yet. Why not wait a week. Don't try and find something that won't fit!!!
Head up, shoulders back - face the world with a smile. You are a strong woman. Be proud. xxx

 

[UmmZakaria]

Thank you SB Can't reply now bi just plucked up the courage to ask him if we could go or coffee. No. I then asked him if we can please sit down and talk. No. Not much else I can do then. I need some space to clear my head but there is literally nowhere I can go. I don't know why I'm writing this on here but I don't have anywhere else to say it. My friends all have their own lives & problems to be getting on with and my parents aren't in this country. I feel so lonely right now, I guess that's the point

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins

 

[naz]

Hey umm so sorry to hear u feel like that, were all here for you anytime any day! I know how hard it can be not having friends and family around my family are in this country but are far (i live south and they live north) and when I'm feeling low I just wish they were around so I can just pop round there and sort my head out, life can get bit hectic with kids I know I have 3 of my own and having ups and downs with the other half can put u really down and sometimes I pray everything works out ok for u! Keep strong huni and feel free to write things down on here! Sending u big hugs!! :* xxxx

 

[UmmZakaria]

Thank you Naz, your support means a lot. I've been looking to even check into a hotel for the night but it's a Friday and obviously late notice so everywhere is so expensive and seeing as money is one of the reasons that he's angry it seems counter-productive spending a fortune on a room for the night just to get some space. I just don't know what to do and to be honest right now all I want to do is sit down and eat until the pain goes away but I know that's not going to happen. Still tempted though

 

[naz]

Oh just hold on in there, don't turn to food u know that wont make any difference, why don't u go out for some fresh air, for a walk? my thoughts are with u, I remember when I wanted to just check into a hotel at times too but couldn't pluck up the courage lol, how about the other half does he have family? how about you just tell him you need some time to think about things etc? I honestly don't know wot to say really think I'm waffling on sorry, keep us posted n stay strong! You've done soo well don't forget!! Xxx

 

[preshnit]

WOW! Jusy read your whole diary and its very motivating. What a journey. You have done BRILLIANTLY!!

Thank you for being so honest and open, its bound to be helpful for lots of us.

Here is me giving you a very big virtual pat on the back. You are my inspiration for the rest of the day x

 

[Julz]

RTM Week 5, Day 4

Right, first things first -yesterday was cr@p. I ate things I shouldn't have done, including carby nonsense. I spent the whole day feeling sooo tired and sooo rubbish. That was yesterday. This is today. I will say no more about it.

Things with my husband are by no means sorted but I think we're getting there slowly. He's being civil and we're spending a lot of time cuddled up and when we're both ready we will talk things through. I'm still feeling sad as I miss him so much but I have hope now that I haven't blown it and that we can work it out. He's asleep at the moment but I'm going to suggest that we go for coffee this morning (with the toddler gooseberry) or do something before he goes to work. He might say no but I can try.

I was looking after my little guy yesterday and because my husband was at home he had Zaki so I went for a little walk with the buggy. We ended up in Asda (we always do) and as my size 14 trousers have been feeling quite loose I wanted to just see... if I could get into a size 12. Well, I tried on 2 different pairs - a pair of tight crops and a paid of work type trousers and they both fit! Not just did up but did up comfortably with no pulling or tightness. Luckily I was in the easy access changing room so there was plenty of room to jump about whooping. Now, I do think that Asda's sizes are quite generous so I'll just have to pop to town this afternoon to try on some in Zara and Mango and see what they have to say. I've never been that bothered about clothes sizes but I think that was perhaps because I've never even considered that I could get into a 12. I've always been told that I'm "big boned" (WTH) and I do have quite wide hips so have just always thought that a 12 was out of the question as my bones wouldn't physically fit. So getting them on is quite a big deal for me now. I have never felt less self conscious walking into a fitting room. I normally have to figure out how to hid the size tags on the hangers by draping them or making sure they're the right way round (as if anyone who cared couldn't figure out my size by looking at the size of my arse!)

It's my exercise day off today which is quite nice - I am trying to make sure I do something every day apart from Fridays so that my body gets a complete rest. In Islam Friday is the Sunday equivalent so I figured it's quite a good day to do it. My day of rest!

So, today is going to be a good day. I am going to stick to plan after my disaster day yesterday. I don't know what happened really, Zaki was being really, really hard work and as my husband is working lates at the moment so don't get any relief. I'm potty training at the moment which is hard work - we seem to be swinging from success to complete and utter disaster and it's frustrating and tiring to say the least. I'm feeling a bit at sea at the moment emotionally and think I just needed to lapse, even if the only purpose was to reassure myself that food is not the answer. Because it certainly wasn't. I felt even more tired and rubbish. I was really wanting to finish on a positive note but I'm now sat here in floods of tears and think I need to take stock - sometimes being truthful with myself doesn't help

Ummzakaria, sorry to hear you are struggling with some space, and feeling lonely without your family around you. Lots of pressures on you at the moment with money, and potty training can make everything seem insurmountable.
We are your virtual family, you can say anything you want to on here without fear of criticism, let off steam anytime.

No easy solutions, do you go to toddler group with Zaki? It's a great place to meet others who are going through the potty training/teething/or what ever comes next phase, where you might meet some nice friends for you and Zaki. That would get you out of the house for a while and Zaki can play too.

Totally with you about going into a changing room without the tags showing, your comments made me chuckle!!

You are so close to goal now, keep strong, put yesterday behind you, there maybe other days like that too, but, it's just 24 hours in the scheme of things.

Is it possible for you to do some homeworking to bring in some money to relieve the pressure? Or work when your hubby is home to look after Zaki? When my children were younger I worked 9pm-2am shift at Sainsbury's for 2 nights a week, it was good to get out, tiring but not forever.

Hope you feel better later on your rest day, maybe enjoy a nice soak in the bath later and make it a pamper evening for YOU, you deserve it.

Jx:grouphugg:

 

[UmmZakaria]

WOW! Jusy read your whole diary and its very motivating. What a journey. You have done BRILLIANTLY!!

Thank you for being so honest and open, its bound to be helpful for lots of us.

Here is me giving you a very big virtual pat on the back. You are my inspiration for the rest of the day x

Thanks Preshnit I'm so happy to hear that my diary has been useful. I really enjoyed reading people's diaries at the beginning of my journey and they inspired me to write my own.

Hope you're having a good day xxx

 

[UmmZakaria]

Once we start to get into the psychological side it opens up so much more insight into ourselves and other people. That isn't always positive or comfortable. It's often things we have swallowed with food and hoped to forget over the years. We remember and discover things about ourselves that make us feel unsettled. When you read everyone's diairies you will see that people start to uncover and deal with these issues. It's often painful, but somehow once you acknowledge them and start to deal with them it feels very liberating and allows you to move forward with your life.

It's pretty scary eh. I don't know whether any of this is related to this but I have a feeling that I am facing up to a lot of things this week that have been pushed aside for a long time. The timing couldn't have been worse to be honest but if it has to come out then why not now. I am just hoping and praying that I can sort things out with my husband and at the same time address a lot of issues that I've got building up as this feeling of liberation that you're talking about sounds wonderful and also something that i haven't felt for a heck of a long time.

You taking the time out to reply and give me such sound advice and encouragement really means a lot to me so thank you so much xxx

 

[UmmZakaria]

Ummzakaria, sorry to hear you are struggling with some space, and feeling lonely without your family around you. Lots of pressures on you at the moment with money, and potty training can make everything seem insurmountable.
We are your virtual family, you can say anything you want to on here without fear of criticism, let off steam anytime.

No easy solutions, do you go to toddler group with Zaki? It's a great place to meet others who are going through the potty training/teething/or what ever comes next phase, where you might meet some nice friends for you and Zaki. That would get you out of the house for a while and Zaki can play too.

Totally with you about going into a changing room without the tags showing, your comments made me chuckle!!

You are so close to goal now, keep strong, put yesterday behind you, there maybe other days like that too, but, it's just 24 hours in the scheme of things.

Is it possible for you to do some homeworking to bring in some money to relieve the pressure? Or work when your hubby is home to look after Zaki? When my children were younger I worked 9pm-2am shift at Sainsbury's for 2 nights a week, it was good to get out, tiring but not forever.

Hope you feel better later on your rest day, maybe enjoy a nice soak in the bath later and make it a pamper evening for YOU, you deserve it.

Jx:grouphugg:

Thank you for your lovely reply I think a pamper evening sounds like a wonderful idea, I'll definitely be doing some of that this evening.

I actually work part-time already and even child mind on a Thursday too so the amount of money coming in isn't the issue as such. It's more my management of the money which is mine and me lying to my husband about what I've spent. Ever since I was little money has burned a hole in my pocket and whatever I have I seem to spend. My husband has spent a lot of time helping me get my finances together, paying off my loans and overdrafts etc. and has never ever denied me anything. I set aside an amount each month which is for nothing other than me (ie. not bills, Zaki, house stuff etc) and I still manage to spend more than my means. I'm just useless at it. It's not even this that is the issue, my husband is absolutely livid with me about the fact that I lied to him. I don't know why I did it, it's just a vicious circle and I feel terrible about it.

Anyway, I can't believe how much I am off-loading into my diary at the moment. I've never been one for airing my dirty laundry but I think it's easier writing it here rather than burdening my friends and family with my woes. I hate them to know that I am sad and there's not really anything practical that they can do so I thank you all for your support on here

I decided earlier that actually I'm not going anywhere. If my husband wants me to go then I'll go but unless he asks then I'm going to stay here. I'm going out tomorrow with some lovely girls and their kids to a sort of festival which should be fun and take my mind off things for a few hours.

xxx

 

[slendablenda]

You take care hun. You are not a bad person. If you were you would have spent all the money and not bothered to lie!
I suspect the retail therapy was possibly unwittingly to try and ease the pain of being separated from your usual support network, family and friends.
Lying never really works and we've all done it, I know I have, but it always bites you on the bum somehow - just you haven't got such a big bum nowadays!
Another friend of mine has an issue with spending. I used to too, but seem to be able to manage it a bit better nowadays. It's only taken me about 40 years. Seems like we are people who have to overdose on something.
Stay strong hun. Hang on in there and earn his trust back. He's hurt, but hopefully he'll get over it.
I had a crisis with my husband a while back. He wouldn't talk to me or listen to me so in the end I wrote him a letter and handed it to him. I'm not suggesting you do it, but it helped me. Maybe your OH just needs time.
Potty training is probably a bit harder for you and Zaki at the moment because he'll be picking up on your mood too.
Meanwhile, hold your head up. Remember you are not a doormat.
Your feelings are important. Don't put yourself at the bottom of the pile. xx

 

[naz]

I totally agree with slenda! Btw slenda you give some great advice! Wow I'm amazed! umm I'm sure things will be ok u just hang on in there girl! The way I look at it the most challenging thing is weight loss and u have achieved that so anything is possible! Festival sounds fun too so have fun and smile, try keeping yourself busy it always helps, as for hubi give him time men can be weird creatures and who knows he might actually be loving the fact that u want his attention lol they get thrills from silly things at times! ( no offence to any men reading this lol) But chin up and smile ok xxxx

 

[KayMarie]

Tempers flare and he will come round. You've recognised that you shouldn't have lied but we all do it when we're scared of the repercussions. I am totally with you on the spending money side. I easily blow my personal spending money a month and it's not a small amount and end up dipping in to th joint account and he goes mad but once he calms down he helps me Just need to try and make changes I suppose, I know I do when It comes to money! Well done on keeping going through all this though, you're doing so well!!

 

[Clarabow]

Thinking of you. No words of wisdom. Hang on in there xx

 

[UmmZakaria]

Tempers flare and he will come round. You've recognised that you shouldn't have lied but we all do it when we're scared of the repercussions. I am totally with you on the spending money side. I easily blow my personal spending money a month and it's not a small amount and end up dipping in to th joint account and he goes mad but once he calms down he helps me Just need to try and make changes I suppose, I know I do when It comes to money! Well done on keeping going through all this though, you're doing so well!!

Thank you KayMarie - it's reassuring to know that I'm not the only person that does this sometimes, yes changes definitely needed. This month I have taken a load of envelopes, drawn out cash and divided into the envelopes what I need for certain things. Eg. I've got an envelope containing all the cash I need for LL this month, another one for my weekly "spends" ie. coffees at work etc. and another one for clothes I've been meaning to give this a go for months but haven't. If I stick to it then it means I will have paid off my overdraft this month and taken a bit of control. My husband has offered to help me with the planning etc. but I want to do it by myself because I want to be accountable to myself and not anyone else (if that makes any sense). Anyway, I waffle. Thank you for taking the time out to reply to me, it meant a lot xxx

 

[UmmZakaria]

I totally agree with slenda! Btw slenda you give some great advice! Wow I'm amazed! umm I'm sure things will be ok u just hang on in there girl! The way I look at it the most challenging thing is weight loss and u have achieved that so anything is possible! Festival sounds fun too so have fun and smile, try keeping yourself busy it always helps, as for hubi give him time men can be weird creatures and who knows he might actually be loving the fact that u want his attention lol they get thrills from silly things at times! ( no offence to any men reading this lol) But chin up and smile ok xxxx

Thanks Naz, you're a sweetheart xxx

 

[LadyT]

Great positive steps to changing your behaviours and becoming accountable for yourself! Well done hun xxxx