When to draw the line - teenagers.

[Medusa]

On Friday my daughter has asked to go to the beach with her friends - this will mean taking the train. They then want to go on to a Battle of the Bands concert, catching the last train home at half ten. We live a couple of minutes walk from the station and another friend lives a few doors down so she won't be walking home alone.

All day she will be part of a large mixed group of 14 and 15 year olds. She is a confident, sensible girl, perfectly capable of standing up for herself - but she is tiny. Almost 15 yet barely 5 foot and a size 4.

At her age I had very "protective" parents. A jaunt like this would have been completely off the cards. Once I was home from school that was it until the next day. Saturday nights I had to babysit my 7 yr old brother. Needless to say once I hit 18 I bolted. OK - off to uni but you get the drift.

So while I don't want to stop my daughter enjoying time with her friends I also worry about where to draw the line - particularly as I have no co-parent to play good cop/bad cop with.

What is your gut reaction?

 

[cherry-pie]

Its a tough one medusa, and I don't envy your decision! I don't have kids, so no direct experience, but several nieces and nephews, 3 of whom are teenagers. 15 is such a tricky age, neither a child nor a grown up, and only you know how sensible she is - will she have her mobile on her, will she keep money back for an emergency, will she ring you if she gets stuck, will she be drinking etc etc. Are you close enough to any of the other girl's mums to see what they all think?
Good luck xxx (My gut reaction would be to let her go if you believe her to be sensible but I really do understand your dilema!)

 

[Crys]

No kids here either, but assuming she'll have her mobile, understands that drinking is off the cards, knows to be aware of danger and makes sure she will def have the cash to get home ok, I'd let her.

 

[charlies_mummy]

Only you know how mature she is, but from the sounds of it I would let her go. My only concern is if they missed the last train would you be able to collect her easily, I know how easily distracted I was at 15 and was forever late x

 

[Lucky7]

I think the main problem here is that train home. Will it be the last train that they have to catch, or is there a contingency plan? (I try not to get the last train now, even though I'm 38 and usually with a largish group of adult punks- it's never a pleasant experience on that last train, but even worse if you miss it).

I agree that she should be allowed to go, but with some adult guidance about planning / how to cope with peer pressure if one of her friends decide to do something stupid / how to get rid of male attention in a firm but polite way so that situations don't escalate.

At some point she'll do this kind of trip out anyway - and at 15 is more likely to take your advice than at 17 (if most teens are anything to go by). You can't eliminate the risk and wrap her in cotton wool, but you can help her with her mental risk assessment to manage the risks.

Sounds like you've got a good girl with sensible friends so it'll all be fine I'm sure xx

 

[fillymum]

Only you know how mature she is, but from the sounds of it I would let her go. My only concern is if they missed the last train would you be able to collect her easily, I know how easily distracted I was at 15 and was forever late x

All the advice given has been good advice but like Charlies-mum I would be concerned about the journey home.

It is a difficult one to put over without her thinking you are treating her like a baby. Could you collect her and her friends from the station and put it over in such a way that you are doing it as a very kind mum who wants to save her and her friends the walk home.

I would be very worried but you know her and you have to trust her and give her some freedom at sometime.

I agree that if she understands the ground rules she should go with your blessing and your best wishes for a good night out.

Do let us know how she gets on.

 

[largelesley]

I have a son of 14 and i know exactly the dilema your facing
But as someone who also had controling parents i did all these things but lied
I always said when i had kids i woudnt do it to them and make them lie to me
Your daughter has been upfront with you and that should be applauded
She sounds very sensible and i usually say to my son i am trusting you to do this and trust is very delicate once its broken its very hard to get back good luck lesley

 

[kingleds]

My sister is having a similar dilemma with her 14 year old daughter - further complicated by the fact my sister was not that much older than 14 when she had her daughter so she's fully aware of the trouble teenagers can get into. She has the safe sex talk with my niece on an almost weekly basis - to the point my niece now just responds with 'not AGAIN mum!!! I know all this and i'm only
14 so stop worrying about it'
My sister had now come to the conclusion that if she trusts her to be sensible then she is more likely to be sensible - but has laid down the law about what is acceptable and not! So of she rocks up late and drunk she knows she grounded till she's 18

 

[PurpleSky]

I would 100% make sure they had a backup plan just incase there was a problem with getting the train perhaps say yes you can go but come home a little earlier. Do you know the other parents? If so perhaps have a chat with them. Also how much do you trust your daughter? Another thing would be lay down some very very tight ground rules and if she breaks them in anyway, you dont let her have that privalige again. This is what my partners parents used to do when he was a teen. Yes you can go to that gig, but you mustnt drink, Be home or be ready to be picked up by that time etc. My parents on the other hand were strict and wouldnt of let me do anything like that. I think as long as you can trust her to follow anyrules and resitrictions then why not. We live in a world of communication technology now so you can ask her to check in with you and know if theres any problem she can get hold of you.

I do have a little lad but he is only 6 atm, but thought i would put my pennies worth in. xx

 

[Medusa]

I know how easily distracted I was at 15...

That's my worry tbh. She is a sensible girl but a little dizzy in a way only teenagers are.

All input welcome guys. I have a couple of friends but one is as bad as my folks were and the other completely the other way with her daughter.

Yes to mobile. And I have friends numbers anyway. Luckily neither of my two are drinkers - yet! We've agreed now that I will pick her up. It's not too far, about 20 miles away but I have said I'm not picking her up at eleven (when this thing finishes) but earlier - say ten to half past. And I'm going nowehere on Saturday! I spent all of last weekend ferrying them about as it is.

I do worry as I'm conscious if anything goes seriously bellyup I'm going to get a lot of grief from her father about it. Which isn't fair ... but nothing compared to how much I'd blame myself.

God I wish they were still 6 sometimes.

 

[largelesley]

You sound like you have got the balance exactly right
So well done its hard being a parent of a teen eh and no one said we have all the answers

Your girl is lucky to have a lovely mum like you x

 

[fillymum]

That's my worry tbh. She is a sensible girl but a little dizzy in a way only teenagers are.

All input welcome guys. I have a couple of friends but one is as bad as my folks were and the other completely the other way with her daughter.

Yes to mobile. And I have friends numbers anyway. Luckily neither of my two are drinkers - yet! We've agreed now that I will pick her up. It's not too far, about 20 miles away but I have said I'm not picking her up at eleven (when this thing finishes) but earlier - say ten to half past. And I'm going nowehere on Saturday! I spent all of last weekend ferrying them about as it is.

I do worry as I'm conscious if anything goes seriously bellyup I'm going to get a lot of grief from her father about it. Which isn't fair ... but nothing compared to how much I'd blame myself.

God I wish they were still 6 sometimes.

Well done !!! Your kids sound really sensible. They must take after their mum !!

Just think if they were still 6 you would still have all this to go through, at least you are one step closer to having a delightful adult to enjoy.

You come over as being a really good, caring and careful mum. Their father should be thanking you for backing them and supporting them, helping them on the difficult road that is life.

 

[Happy Holidays]

I've only just read this & I don't fully agree with the others

My daughter is now 19, but at 15 I'd have asked the following:

• Who else is going
• Will they be together all the time
• What will they be doing on the beach
• How are they getting from the beach to the concert
• What time does the concert start
• Do all the other parents know where they are going (yep I would ring & check)

Ok maybe a little over zealous but that is how I was

On her 16th birthday my daughter asked if I could now stop ringing parents houses to confirm she was sleeping the night. Maybe I've a control problem

 

[Medusa]

at Happy Holidays...

Update .. the beach is off. Weather does not look good. BUT she really does want to catch the train home with her mates so back to square one there. However there are going to be 8-10 of them boys and girls (her usual gang) and they are all good kids by and large, not the boy/girl mad, drinking crowd.

The concert is in Bridgend where my brother lives. His eldest daughter (also 15) is staying with them this weekend and might now now be going as well. Sooo...he will be close by in case of emergency.

Since it's seriously uncool to have your mum meet you off the train my son (16 and 8/12) has suggested he pop up to the station on the strict understanding he doesn't walk with them but loiters about 10 paces behind.

 

[mommyB]

Sounds to me like she will be fine, and great that brother is willing to help.
My parents were strict and protective like yours but I just used to sneak off and do the things anyway by lying !! Not good I see now but back then no way.
My girls are 11 and 7 and I intend to be a bit more relaxed with them so they wont have to be sneaking around !!

 

[Medusa]

You come over as being a really good, caring and careful mum. Their father should be thanking you for backing them and supporting them, helping them on the difficult road that is life.

I am very lucky to have two very decent offspring. Not perfect - we have our moments - but I've not had half the worry some of my friends have had.

Re: their dad. His two youngest are still very young so he's not yet had the pleasure of raising teenagers on a day to day basis. Roll on another ten years.

 

[Leeboy]

Hi, I have a 15 year old daughter and would trust her. I think as she is with a large group of friends she will be alright. Only you know how mature your daughter is, it doesnt matter how short she is as long as shes sensible. I believe you have to let them go and grow up otherwise they will turn against you.

 

[BrittW]

Let her go.
I was going to London on my own at 13-14 to gigs in Brixton and getting the last train home.
And i'm 22 now so it wasn't that long ago and I was always fine.
I was very mature for my age though, still am. So it depends on that I suppose.

 

[kingleds]

Let her go.
I was going to London on my own at 13-14 to gigs in Brixton and getting the last train home.
And i'm 22 now so it wasn't that long ago and I was always fine.
I was very mature for my age though, still am. So it depends on that I suppose.

blimey I am SOOOO jealous of you!!! I was still having to be in at 10pm when I was 16!! In fact I seem to remember staying with my nan for a week when I was 21 and she still trying to tell me what time to be in!!

 

[MadameLaMinx]

To be honest, its not how mature the kids are that's the issue really. You can be as mature as you like but there are still risks that need to be considered. Even adults need to take steps to ensure their personal safety.

In this case, I think that as they are in a group that will look out for each other, then that's fine, better that you know where they are and what time they will be back, and your brother is local in case of emergency. All bases seem to be covered as long as the kids know they must stay together, and that they are being given a huge responsibility that they need to prove they can be trusted with and its up to them to ensure that they don't abuse that trust or it won't happen again.