ZenDogNine's Trek from Fatland to Slimworld!

[ZenDogNine]

Good Morning,

I am new. New to minimins and new to Sliming World, which I joined a week last Thursday. My first weigh-in (due to having to change my weigh-in day between week one and two) is tonight and, I have to say, I may be the only person to start Slimming World and actually gain weight in week one. I am so ashamed of myself, both because of how much I have eaten this week (hence why I know I will have gained) but also because I am even here at all. I didn't have to be - but food is like a drug and I feel addicted. I need help and I am desperatly hoping that I will find it here, through Slimming World and most importantly within myself.

I've been 'big' since I was around 7 years old and have got steadily bigger and bigger until at age 29, in 2008, I hit my highest weight of 17st12lb. In February that year, I joined Weight Watchers and by July 2009 had lost (and gained and lost and gained and lost such is the pattern with me!) almost 4st to reach 14st. I then, for reasons even I cannot fathom, stopped going and by August 2010 I was back up to 17st 2lb. I then met my lovely, lovely boyfriend and something odd happened. Instead of gaining weight due to blissful happiness and the flushes of romance, I started losing it. And I lost and lost and lost and lost until in July 2012 I found myself down to an amazing 12st10lb. Just in time for our romantic trip to Paris This losing was all my hard work - eating well, exercising, nothing faddy, not quick fixes - slow and steady and supported every step of the way by my other half, who, despite not really 'getting' why I struggled to lose weight for so long, nevertheless acted as a really amazing cheerleader throughout. And then, again for reasons even I cannot understand, I stopped trying and now I sit here at 14st 10lb, utterly despairing of myself and a week into Slimming World, knowing that the scales are probably going to go up by a minimum of 2-3lb tonight. I don't understand why I've done this. I cannot understand why I would give up when I felt so amazing, so beautiful and happy at reaching just a mere 2st from goal, and now I've doubled that distance. It's affecting me emotionally and it's affecting my relationship, which is very strained at the moment. I won't say anymore - goodness knows if anyone is even intertested enough to read this.

So here is my diary, which I will keep. I will go to my weigh-in later. I will face up to my silly, stupid and frankly destructive actions this week, and I will start writing here each day.

 

[ZenDogNine]

I went to my new class for my first weigh-in last night and was really surprised to find that although I hadn't lost weight, I also hadn't gained any - so, stayed the same. This was such a shock to me as I was so sure that I would have gained (I certainly deserved to!). Maybe the Universe is looking out for me this week.

The group itself is fantastic. Such a great bunch of people who made me feel so welcome and so much more confident that I will be supported and achieve my goals. There were people who had just started through to people who reached goal ages ago but still go because they love the group so much. The leader is also extremely positive and really supportive. She's lost 10 stone on Slimming World and she knows how I feel.

So, today I feel really positive about everything and am really going to try hard to stick to plan and hopefully this time next week I will have had my first loss

 

[hayless1508]

Good Luck! I'm sure you will do fine!

 

[ZenDogNine]

Today is a bad day and I don't want the fact that I'm upset to be a reason why I make bad choices, which I usually do. Last night I used up a lot of syns as I was out at a friends for a buffet and there wasn't much syn free choice. It's fine because I've 'budgeted' the remainder of my weekly syns and someone in my class said that you cane do that - save your syns or use them in one go rather than across the week. Is that right?

Anyway, back to today. I have to be honest, I'm struggling in my personal life right now. My relationshoip is seriously on the rocks and I feel pretty awful about that most of the time. This morning it was a comment taken the wrong way (by him) and the day got off to a really negative start. On top of how things have been generally (which I won't go into but needless to say we've almost split up three times in the last few months) it just makes me feel like there is this massive weight hanging (no pun intended) all around me. I feel low, and feeling low when you eat for comfort and emotional reasons is not a good thing! I want to be happy in life. That's all I want. Yet that seems like such a distant, far off dream almost right now. I'm so fed up. And I've reached a point where I don't know how much is my fault and how much is his. The lines are pretty blurred, but what I know for sure is that this is not how it's supposed to feel. And that makes me really, really sad.

 

[Spanx]

Sorry it sounds like you are having such a rough time. Try to see your eating habits as the one thing you can control, while everything around you is in chaos - that way you will stick to plan and have the comfort of knowing that there is at least one thing in your life under control!

You can save up your syns for a special night out. I know some consultants don't recommend it, but lots of people (me included!) do it. Just make sure you don't feel deprived on the other days - if you do and it's likely to make you pig out, then it might be better to just have a flexi-syn day - set yourself a number of syns for that day (eg. 40) and stick to it - that way you can enjoy yourself and still stay in control. Yes, you might have gone over your syns for the day, or week, but you will have allowed yourself to, stayed in control and enjoyed yourself!

Good luck x

 

[ZenDogNine]

Thank you Spanx. I think I should be OK syn wise and it's not like there isn;t enough food that is syn free to keep me going until my slimming world week starts again on Wednesday.

What you said does make so much sense - about seeing food as one thing I can control. Truth is, I'm not sure that I have ever really felt in control with food so the concept that I could be is so completely alien to me. For as long as I can remember, food has kind of controlled me - or at least my percieved desire for certain kinds of food. I wouldn't mind, I don't even enjoy a lot of the junk food I eat. I was thinking about this on my way to work this morning. I don;t like fish, I hate it in fact, so I don't eat it. The smell and taste makes me feel sick. Same with mushrooms - so I don't eat them. But cakes, chocolates, sweets etc - they also make me feel full and bloated and sick - yet I can't stay away from them! If only my craziness kept me going back for seconds and thirds of mushrooms and fish! Let's face it - no one ever got too fat from eating too many mushrooms (well maybe garlic breadcrumb coated ones but you get the idea)!


So far, today has actually been OK. The only syns I used were the ones I had set aside for my butter on my toast this morning. I had a baked potsto and baked beans for lunch (the realised I was also having a baked spud for tea tonight with chicken and veg - doh!) and some pineapple and passion fruit. I've got some strawberries, apples and grapes for this afternoon and have decided that to keep me from synning, I am going to go to the gym after work. There is a Zumba class at 17.50pm for an hour and if (though this is unlikely) I feel up to it, there is a Pump FX weight class straight after for 45 minutes. Chances are after Zumba I will want the couch and a cup of tea, but you never know. Plus an hour and 45 mins at the gym would keep me well and truly out of trouble. That'll get me home around 7.15pm and by the time I've showered and started tea, my OH will be home and (hopefully) there won't be anything to upset me happening.

 

[ZenDogNine]

Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish week. At this rate I'm going to be fat forever!

 

[ZenDogNine]

Off to class tonight and am going to chat to the leader to get the plan sorted in my head. I really want to have a good week this week to prove to myself that I can actually do it. Feeling like I can't just makes me more likely to eat and then it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy! I was really hoping to find friends on here who have been in the same situation and who have overcome it. Hopefully the right people will read and comment and I'll realise that there are other people who want to lose weight so much, so genuinely but then stuff their face with junk food! I can't be the only one who is so rubbish at dieting!