Dear ladies
I am in dire need of help. And yet I don't know what help I need, nor what anyone can do.
I seem to be completely out of control. I'm not bingeing the time, but that isn't because I'm controlled, it's just because the monster within me doesn't choose to binge all the time. If it does, I don't think I can stop it :-(
I'm so cross with myself, so ashamed of myself. I feel hopeless, truly without one shred of motivation whatsoever to lose weight if it means months or years of self control and deprivation. And yet, looking back to my glory weeks between August and November, when I lost about 25lb, I wasn't finding it that difficult. I'm a puzzle to myself!
I can see what happened: a horrible chest infection, antibiotics, wallowing in misery, comforting myself with food. Then the antibiotics gave me candida, which gave me huge cravings for sugar and white flour type products. Pizza, cream cakes, carrot cakes, cupcakes... then chocolate in vast amounts.
Then Christmas, which is always a very depressing time for me because all around me people go on and on about family and I don't have any family. And it's just a reminded again that my partner of 8 yrs dumped me just before Xmas 2011 and that is why I am all alone now.
Christmas gave me an "excuse" to eat more rubbish, just because it's Christmas, and that legitimizes it, for some stupid reason.
I hate myself for all this.
Like everyone else, 31 Dec made my resolution to get back on the wagon. And what did I do on 1st Jan? Lodger asked if I wanted anything at the shop, I said yes, get me a box of chocolates. He did, and I sat on my own with a mug of tea and I wolfed down an entire box of Roses at one sitting. Pig.
So then I said, OK 1st Jan was a Bank Holiday, but 2nd Jan is the "real" new year when resolutions really start for REAL. And what did I do? Firstly, ate a portion of chicken curry and rice big enough for two people, for breakfast, then to the sweet shop and bought a bag of Maltesers, a Dime bar and a giant Aero Mint, and again ate the whole lot at one sitting till I felt sick.
On top of all the above, I have only left the house twice in two weeks, both times to go to a local shop for junk food I should not even be eating. I spend 24 hrs a day either lying or sitting. The only time I stand is to cook, wash up, or take a shower.
I feel really fat and bloated. I haven't been swimming for about 6 weeks. I am terrified to go anywhere near the scale as I cannot cope with seeing how much weight I have re-gained, after working so hard to lose it.
I could not hate myself more. I just don't know what to do anymore to get myself under control. I wish someone would whisk me away to a hospital or boot camp or convalescent home or prison or some sort of place where they look after you, control your food intake and stop you self harming -- because that is undeniably what all this is about.