A Taste Of Honey

[Honey39]

I am in a weird place mentally because of my weight loss. I have such a long way to go, so it’s no point trying to adjust yet, but on the other hand, I definitely look and feel significantly different. My mind is pretty screwed when it comes to spatial awareness, or how I actually look, clothes that will fit and so on. I don’t have any real sense of my size – I’m definitely over compensating, and assuming that I’m still closer to my original size. But I have lost 5 1/2 stones, so there is a significant difference.

It’s kind of like being spaced out on drugs (I imagine) – nothing is quite real or solid. Yesterday I felt fantastic and looked good, but then saw myself in a mirror and realised that it’s all relative.

The most helpful thing I have done is to take a daily photo (which I’ve done for the last two years or so). I have loads and loads of ‘before’ photos, and loads of photos during the journey, and I find them incredibly reassuring. I can see the changes for instance in the way my face has changed, and it gives me confidence about how it will continue to change.

I also have tendencies to get panicked about various things. For instance, I have always looked very young for my age, and I read an article yesterday that said weight loss makes you look years older. Gah! I’m hoping my face will continue to look good because I’ve used sun block for twenty plus years, and moisturised and looked after it every day since I was 14. But even so, I have to take whatever changes come, and deal with it. I wouldn’t want to be fat and line free, that’s why I love writing down the awesome things that come with weight loss. And I am 42, so it’s also about ageing naturally as well.

I have confidence in my plan and myself, and blindly trust that this is the right thing to do and ignore the anxieties and the way my mind plays tricks. Just noting that there are some odd side effects.

 

[Sarahelizabeth]

Firstly don't lose sight of the fact that you have lost an enormous amount of weight so far but your journey is not yet over. I know what you mean about feeling great about the weight loss and then suddenly catching sight of yourself unexpectedly, maybe in a shop window, and realising you still look big. I have been there and it is dispiriting. However, remember it is a job in process and how much better you look compared with 51/2 stones heavier. Regarding the effects of weight loss on your skin-you may well find that losing the plumpness, especially in your face, will leave you with a different look. Some people have more elastic skin than others. I haven't had as much weight to lose as you and am now 12lbs away from goal and must admit that my neck looks a bit flabby but if that is the price I have had to pay then it has still been worth it and I would rather have a flabby neck and be slim! I am 49 by the way so perhaps your being younger will be an advantage to you. The loose skin on my tummy is not too bad but after having 2 children and being overweight for 25 years I expect to have some scars! Try to focus on losing the weight and just see what you are left with at the end-I'm sure it will make you feel wonderful and you will accept any imperfections. Good luck.x

 

[zellka]

You sound like you are doing an awesome job of losing weight, hope one day I can post that great a loss. Well done

 

[Honey39]

Okay, I didn’t really over-eat too much today. I had a packet of crisps and an ice cream and a small packet of minstrels. Not great, not the end of the world either. But interestingly, I was trying really hard to analyse what was going on. I never ever have done that before, normally I zone out and tell myself I’ll ‘start again’ on Monday.

I wanted to really really over eat tonight. I wanted to go to the supermarket and buy pizzas, pastries, bread and eat and eat and eat. And I was trying to work out what was going on. It’s really hard for me to think about, but here’s what I came up with (and I thought I should write it quickly):

- I’ve been genuinely hungry for days now. I think I need to up my eating next week, I’ve been hungry for ages. I need to stick a bit of carbs in there, some couscous or rice at lunchtime.
- It was Friday evening and I had no plans. I felt lost and lonely, and this was my way of comforting myself.
- My dad died two years ago this week. I’ve not been consciously thinking about this, but I’ve been in a really bad/down mood all week, that I haven’t been able to shake. I think it’s linked.
- I’m fed up with not being able to trap or get rid of the mouse in my flat. I have found a couple more droppings behind the fridge, and it’s freaking me out. Am tired of being brave and capable.

So I knew it wasn’t food that I craved, but the comfort/oblivion of over eating. Except when I thought about it, that wasn’t what I wanted either.

I tried to think about solutions, and this is the best that I have come up with:

- I need to plan more in my life so I’ve got loads to do/see/people to meet. That really worked when I was on holiday, so I’m going to think about tomorrow in the same specific terms again. As I’m getting more of my life sorted – home and work is spotless, easy and running like clockwork – I am yearning for more.
- Stay aware and in the moment. That saved me today, just analysing what was going on.
- The feelings don’t change whether I over eat or not. They are there, and I can feel/deal with them

 

[Honey39]

I've lost eighty pounds!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I lost 2 lbs today, taking me to 80 lbs...

Oh sweet Sunday weigh-in. I feel fantastic just now, that’s such a victory for me. I worked so hard this week to get here, and it reall wasn’t an easy week. It felt like a struggle every step of the way, and I was hungry and grumpy and generally not happy. But oh, how fabulous to have got to this goal. I am so pleased.

That’s been three quarters of a year, and here I am, 80 lbs lighter. I feel so – weirdly pleased and embarrassed and odd. And I know I have got such a long way to go, so it makes me feel a little daunted.

But – yeah, keep it small and focused. I find it helps to think about what I’m going to do each day/week, and not think too long-term for the most part. Small goals, small steps, big results.

• I know there are going to be some things that I’m going to implement this week, and I think they will be:
• eat more at mealtimes to stop the hunger
• track my food honestly on 43 things (for my own benefit)
• write about weight loss
• exercise
• drink more water (I’m terrible at this, and I think it’s a factor in my hunger last week)

I’m also going to aim for a very small weight loss in week 41, a pound at most. I think my body needs a chance to stabilise and relax, and I don’t want any pressure to keep going. Hmmmmmm. Will think about this a little more.

Good day though!

 

[Sarahelizabeth]

Wow! That really is fantastic and such an achievement. Keep going and you will reach your target. It really is a good idea to take it slowly and feel you are learning something about your eating habits for the future along the way. No need to feel starving as you say.

 

[Honey39]

Monday's food:

Berries
Muller light yoghurt
Bran flakes
Skimmed milk
Banana x 2
Apples x 2
Rocket
Couscous = 1 syn
Salad topper = 1 syn
Sweetcorn, mushrooms
Eat Well Chilli Con Carne, Mild, canned (1/2 tin) = 2.5 syns
Snack-a-jacks = 5 syns
Be Good to Yourself, chicken chow mein = 8.5 syns
Salad (watercress, sweet pepper, cucumber, tomatoes, blueberries)

Total = 18 syns

 

[Honey39]

I wanted to just say that I noticed over the last few days some significant changes that I have made that I didn’t struggle with.

I had a five hour train journey on Thursday:
- I bought a light, healthy lunch
- I had a coffee on the train
That was all, and I didn’t feel deprived. In the past, I would have:
- bought a large latte to take on the train
- bought a large lunch
- bought sweets and crisps on the train

When we got there, I met friends for dinner:
- I had some olives in a joint starter
- I had a light, gorgeous salad
- I had diet coke, no alcohol
- I had no pudding, but an Americano
In the past, I would have:
- had a proper starter
- had a big, filling main course
- had loads of wine with everyone else
- had a pudding and had a milky coffee

What a difference! The second day:
- I had a large, healthy breakfast, and took a banana for a snack
- I had as healthy a lunch that I could
- I didn’t have pudding
- I did have a coffee and small cookie in the afternoon
- I had a light sandwich on the train
- I had nothing when I got in

In the past, I would have:
- had a large, unhealthy breakfast
- had coffee and cookies as offered through the day
- had pudding at lunchtime
- had a large meal on the train (sandwiches, crisps, sweets)
- had something else when I got in

Here’s the thing – I didn’t especially struggle with this at all. It wasn’t conscious for most of it, it was just the choices that I made.

So even if I don’t lose weight this weekend, because the food wasn’t as healthy as I would have made myself, I really really did my best and there was some major lifestyle changes there that I didn’t struggle with.

 

[Honey39]

SIX STONES LOST!!!!

Seriously, six stones gone and dusted and slayed. I cannot believe it, I love reaching these milestones, even though I know numbers aren’t everything. But they do keep me motivated, and on track, and ready to slay everything in my path. Food-wise, not vampire-wise – I’m channelling Buffy today, aren’t I?!

I feel amazing. I feel lifted. I feel as though this reward is special. I feel very emotional to be honest, like I want to cry a lot because it means such a lot to me. I feel proud of myself, and I feel determined.

I love keeping entries here for me – looking back at this goal, from when I started this goal back in August 2010 and seeing all the entries here on this goal, to see that small steps add up to huge achievements. That’s amazing to me. To see that at the start of the year I thought I had come such a long way by losing 50lbs, and here I am in May 34 lbs more than that. I feel optimistic that I will achieve my goal and will get there, and that the next 32 weeks of 2011 will see me recording my weight loss goals and hopefully losing at least another 50 lbs before the end of the year. Or maybe not, I don’t know, but still.

I’m going to feel so good for the next targets:
- lose 85 lbs (next week’s goal)
- lose 90 lbs
- lose 91 lbs (6 1/2 stones)
- lose 98 lbs (7 stones)
- lose 100 lbs (a HUGE milestone)

And I should get to all of these by the end of August 2011 if I just keep going as I am, steadily and slowly.

Am so pleased this morning, the weigh ins give me such strength and optimism for the start of the new week.

I have lost six stones.

 

[gl12282]

Yay honey. That is seriously brilliant

What a superstar you are.

Gail x

Sent from my iPhone

 

[Sarahelizabeth]

That's amazing and you should feel incredibly proud-it's not an easy journey but it is definitely a worthwhile one.x

 

[Honey39]

Yay honey. That is seriously brilliant

What a superstar you are.

Gail x

Sent from my iPhone

Thank you Gail! You are so encouraging, you're the superstar for being a weight loss star and tireless cheerleader here!

That's amazing and you should feel incredibly proud-it's not an easy journey but it is definitely a worthwhile one.x

Thanks Sarahelizabeth, you're so kind and thoughtful - you always take time to be supportive and say the nicest things!

 

[Honey39]

I’ve been thinking a lot about what next on this journey, because while walking has been fabulous I am restless for a new challenge, although not quite ready either.

So anyway, I came up with it on the way home – when I have walked my second million steps this year, I’m going to join a gym. That should be around September, which would be a perfect time for me. Hopefully I will have lost another 2 stones, and I’ll be ready for that challenge. And it will be getting darker again, so will feel more like it. I’ve got some quotes for the gym near where I work.

I like the symmetry of pushing myself to walk another million steps and getting gym ready – I’m not there yet, but I will be in another few months.

Just a promise to myself, a commitment.

 

[Glasgow girl62]

What an awesome weight loss
It's people like you who are an inspiration to people like me
Well done ..... You are an absolute star

 

[Honey39]

What an awesome weight loss
It's people like you who are an inspiration to people like me
Well done ..... You are an absolute star

Oh thanks so much!!!! We are all in it together, inspiring each other - I love this site so much! I know you're going to achieve your goals too, I had a quick read of your thread earlier! Go us!!!!

 

[Honey39]

I feel like I’m sticking to this weight loss goal with a tenacity that surprises me. It’s been three quarters of a year, and I’ve held fast to my instinct on how to do this, and I’ve thrived. I’ve lost six stones, I keep telling myself – six stones! Or 84 lbs. Or, well I don’t really work in kilograms, but a lot.

This site is fundamental now to my weight loss goal. It’s exactly what I want and need. It allows me to focus on my goal, it allows me to chart my progress, I speak my thoughts. But it doesn’t have the permanence of a journal, which I ultimately don’t like. It’s transitory and ephemeral, it can be deleted at the push of a button, and I am always anonymous. I cannot believe how much progress I have made.

I see myself losing weight consistently now. Even if I gain or STS (both of which are surprisingly rare), I know that I will continue to do this, I will continue to lose weight. I am starting to feel transformed, physically and mentally. I move differently – I am faster and lighter, happier and less tolerant.

This week is harder in some ways than last week, but I feel good about it. I feel like I’ve been on track. I’ve gone back to basics a little bit by tracking my food and actually checking the syns values of all the food I eat. It’s kind of all right, but I had got quite casual about it.

Don’t know that this entry adds much, but I feel good that I’ll see a loss this weekend, and if not, the weekend after that. I see myself losing 100 lbs by the end of August, my next short-term major goal. I will definitely cry at that point!

 

[Honey39]

I have had the oddest feeling today which is slightly panicked. Okay, someone yesterday asked me if I was ‘still being good’ (people always talk about food = good/bad, which isn’t something I do, I try to talk about choices instead).

Anyway, I said yes and she said ‘good for you’, but it made me think “Oooooh, maybe she thinks I look like I’m gaining weight again”.

And then this morning, I took my morning photo and my face looks really fat in it again. I think it’s just a bad angle, and I’m tired, but it’s made me panic.

And so, I’m convinced irrationally that the weight is coming back in three days. Stupid because I’ve been eating well and walking this week, but I feel confused. It’s all about mental processes, and my brain is confused with where I am. Genuinely confused – I have no idea of my size or anything, because it’s changing all the time.

And another thing – people have said that I’m doing the right thing, losing weight slowly. And I think – are you kidding? I’ve lost an average of 2 lbs a week for 42 weeks, that doesn’t feel slow to me, it feels like I’ve been speeding along, lol.
I just have to trust in MYSELF, and remember that this is definitely the right path for me. It’s working, I’m doing okay, I feel good, all is well. These doubts and mental tricks are unnerving, but it’s all good in the end.

 

[Glasgow girl62]

Hi
Did you keep an item of clothing like a pair of trousers you had before your weight loss. ? If you want to remind yourself where you were and where you are now - try them on
Or gather up the equivalent weight in books, and clothes - pack them in a couple of suitcases and walk about for half an hour.
You will be so chuffed with yourself all that self doubt will be gone.

 

[Honey39]

Hi
Did you keep an item of clothing like a pair of trousers you had before your weight loss. ? If you want to remind yourself where you were and where you are now - try them on
Or gather up the equivalent weight in books, and clothes - pack them in a couple of suitcases and walk about for half an hour.
You will be so chuffed with yourself all that self doubt will be gone.

Oh definitely, I've got loads of clothes that show me how far I've come. You're right, of course, I know this logically, I just had a weird day today. It's strange to lose a lot of weight, and especially to be half way along the road. I have lost a lot of weight, but I still have an awfully long way to go. It's strange, but great. I just need to be honest about how I'm feeling and keep going!

Hope your week is going well too?

 

[Honey39]

It's week 44 for me on this journey, and I am determined to have a great week. Not so much about the weigh in on Sunday, but more about the next six days, to learn new habits and really focus on this goal, because it's what I want more than anything.

85 lbs lost, 85 lbs left to lose - am at the half way point on this journey to getting to goal, but a lifelong journey on managing my relationship with food. Because let's be honest, nothing much is going to change when I get to goal.
So, the plan for this week to get me to this goal:

- track everything I eat according to Slimming World, and stick to 15 syns a day, or 90 syns for the week
- walk 50,000 steps
- be accountable and honest about how I feel and what I'm eating
- drink more water
- write about my weight, because it helps me to be honest

Today I'm going to make some lovely meals, buy a casserole dish, plan for tomorrow, and walk my a*s off.