Spanglymum
Gold Member
Just read that back and I really am blooming lucky, aren't I?!
ArtyBee's cocoon
- Thread starter Spanglymum
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Spanglymum
Gold Member
Well, I got through the day ok yesterday. In fact I had a meeting with one of the other newly-promoted people and he was great. He's struggling in exactly the same ways I am! After three years of being in a management structure where (a) I had no real authority/autonomy and (b) no peers so it was very isolating, to feel I'm not alone was a breath of fresh air. I think I am going to enjoy this job, however difficult it may be at first. I like a challenge, right?!
I was 100% yesterday. Right back on it with gritted teeth and determination. Heaven knows what the scales will show tomorrow, but I'm ok with that. Slightly worried about what my LLC will say - I have a need to be "good" and patently haven't been (!) but it is what it is.
Swimming lesson tonight. I was too tired last week because of TOTM but I'm looking forward to it again today. Sometimes I have a real "all or nothing' attitude, like "if I don't go swimming this week then that's it and I'll never go back I know what I'm like I should go or I'm wasting the money yadda yadda yadda". When in fact, it was really "I'm totally knackered and would prefer an early night this week. I'll go again next week when I'm feeling energetic again."
And breathe!
My Mum completely floored me yesterday with her generosity. Completely out of the blue. We met at lunchtime for coffee and she said she won't be able to go on any more big abroad holidays (she usually goes on a fortnight's cruise at least every year) because of getting insurance at 86. Then she said she would like to spend the money next year on me, hubby and the girls going to Disneyland Paris!! Not really my cup of tea but oh, how much does my younger daughter want to go?! We haven't said anything to them yet - but will book and then let them know. OMG. The past two years we haven't been able to afford a holiday at all (I may be very senior and on a good salary but our mortgage is crippling now my hubby doesn't work - and with me a**eing about with LL packs etc there isn't much spending money left!) I can't believe it. A MA ZING!
I was 100% yesterday. Right back on it with gritted teeth and determination. Heaven knows what the scales will show tomorrow, but I'm ok with that. Slightly worried about what my LLC will say - I have a need to be "good" and patently haven't been (!) but it is what it is.
Swimming lesson tonight. I was too tired last week because of TOTM but I'm looking forward to it again today. Sometimes I have a real "all or nothing' attitude, like "if I don't go swimming this week then that's it and I'll never go back I know what I'm like I should go or I'm wasting the money yadda yadda yadda". When in fact, it was really "I'm totally knackered and would prefer an early night this week. I'll go again next week when I'm feeling energetic again."
And breathe!
My Mum completely floored me yesterday with her generosity. Completely out of the blue. We met at lunchtime for coffee and she said she won't be able to go on any more big abroad holidays (she usually goes on a fortnight's cruise at least every year) because of getting insurance at 86. Then she said she would like to spend the money next year on me, hubby and the girls going to Disneyland Paris!! Not really my cup of tea but oh, how much does my younger daughter want to go?! We haven't said anything to them yet - but will book and then let them know. OMG. The past two years we haven't been able to afford a holiday at all (I may be very senior and on a good salary but our mortgage is crippling now my hubby doesn't work - and with me a**eing about with LL packs etc there isn't much spending money left!) I can't believe it. A MA ZING!
Spanglymum
Gold Member
Just been so down recently. Worn out and fed up and tired and unhappy. Like what's the point?! I got the job... But I'm still fat, and still missing my girls with the long days of commuting and my husband still has MS and I want to rant... What happened to all my creative ambitions? Why do I let the toad work squat on my life? Thanks, Larkin. That'll be the mortgage then. And I'm so jealous and angry about two families at school who have taken their children on amazing holidays... In term time... And part of me is furious that they're so blatant about it and I would never mess up my children's education for a holiday but part of me is so so jealous of their casual attitude
And what's the point anyway? My sister died at 19. She never did anything wrong. Stuff happens, doesn't it? And I can't make my husband better and will never get time off until the girls leave home and I'm so angry. Why?!
I worked from home yesterday and found myself in tears with all of this. Hubby was just asking me how I was finding it being off plan at the weekend and then back on it and all this came out! I'm so lonely and unhappy and lost...
I need to go for a run or something. What is all this? Is THIS what I hide with carbs and alcohol? i don't think I'm a very nice person :-(
How can I get my balance back? Find joy in gardening, in church, in drawing and music...
And what's the point anyway? My sister died at 19. She never did anything wrong. Stuff happens, doesn't it? And I can't make my husband better and will never get time off until the girls leave home and I'm so angry. Why?!
I worked from home yesterday and found myself in tears with all of this. Hubby was just asking me how I was finding it being off plan at the weekend and then back on it and all this came out! I'm so lonely and unhappy and lost...
I need to go for a run or something. What is all this? Is THIS what I hide with carbs and alcohol? i don't think I'm a very nice person :-(
How can I get my balance back? Find joy in gardening, in church, in drawing and music...
Spanglymum
Gold Member
Hmm. Back to the GP for Prozac I think. I thought I was ok without it but maybe not!!
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Spanglymum
Gold Member
Oh dear. It gets worse! I have ten days booked off in August. Husband announces today that his mum and her (difficult) partner are coming for five of them!!!! No discussion. It's booked. They're coming.
The worst part is this is exactly what happened last year and I was just as dismayed and asked them not to arrange stuff again without asking me first.
I've been in bits today. Muddled my way through the day at work, dashing off to the loo from time to time to have a big cry. I've eaten meals and messed up my plan. I feel so damned upset and angry and hurt and frustrated and sad.
Didn't want to go home tonight. Hubby is cross with me!! I'm on a late train as I couldn't stop crying earlier. At the station. I think I'm having a nervous breakdown or something.
The worst part is this is exactly what happened last year and I was just as dismayed and asked them not to arrange stuff again without asking me first.
I've been in bits today. Muddled my way through the day at work, dashing off to the loo from time to time to have a big cry. I've eaten meals and messed up my plan. I feel so damned upset and angry and hurt and frustrated and sad.
Didn't want to go home tonight. Hubby is cross with me!! I'm on a late train as I couldn't stop crying earlier. At the station. I think I'm having a nervous breakdown or something.
Spanglymum
Gold Member
Still really really upset this morning. Husband thinks I'm being unreasonable. I just wanted a lovely two week break with my girls. It's been trampled all over without the courtesy of asking me. I so angry and hurt and unhappy. This just isn't fair. I work so so so hard all year and just wanted a bit of rest. A little bit of rest. Frivolous time. To mess about and not necessarily do very much. NOT FAIR!!! Angry angry angry angry angry. How dare they?! How dare they?!!!!!!
Clinquant
Gold Member
I can remember when this happened before and it must be doubly upsetting for it to happen again. While I can appreciate it is difficult losing that time you were looking forward I think it is probably so affecting because it is one more reminder of how your needs always seem to come last. I don't think feeling as you do has anything to do with not being a nice person. Through our upbringing or other experiences of asking for what we wanted or being true to ourself and not being heard or having our views diminished we believe that it's easier to shove down the feelings and be our version of 'nice' but it's being cruel to ourselves. It seems to be a common theme in the diaries that I read that women are struggling to say what they think or are hiding it in case it is unpalatable to others, but I haven't heard one situation where they were brave enough to try where it hasn't worked out. Sometimes it takes a bit longer and men sometimes need time to reflect but they usually get it if we are able to state calmly what we feel.
That said, it does sound as if you should visit the doctor again. I can't remember if you have managed to access some counselling before but it might help to have a place just for you - either in conjunction with or instead of the medication.
As for the food, it is really hard to resist because it does help. I remember a few weeks ago being really upset about my mum and dad and had a big old style carby meal and I did feel better. I guess that is something we can do once in a while for the really big painful stuff but to self medicate that low grade fear/pain/dissatisfaction that can seep into every day is likely to be the thing that keeps us higher than we are.
I hope you have been able to do some nice things with your family today to lift your mood a bit. Looking forward to catching up on Tuesday.
That said, it does sound as if you should visit the doctor again. I can't remember if you have managed to access some counselling before but it might help to have a place just for you - either in conjunction with or instead of the medication.
As for the food, it is really hard to resist because it does help. I remember a few weeks ago being really upset about my mum and dad and had a big old style carby meal and I did feel better. I guess that is something we can do once in a while for the really big painful stuff but to self medicate that low grade fear/pain/dissatisfaction that can seep into every day is likely to be the thing that keeps us higher than we are.
I hope you have been able to do some nice things with your family today to lift your mood a bit. Looking forward to catching up on Tuesday.
Spanglymum
Gold Member
I have tried to assert myself but it hasn't changed anything. How do I get a good outcome from this for me? Help!! Have been eating and drinking all over the place and feel a mess because of it but I am a mess of emotions and anger at the moment and don't know where to turn. Apparently I am wrong to feel upset. Whatever happened to being allowed to have emotions? Validated, even? I am furious. Seething. Incandescent. Raging. Just not fair. Just not fair. Not not not. Overwhelmingly angry and hurt How dare they? Anyway. I have cancelled my leave so I can take it at a different time when they are not here. So so so angry. I was shaking this morning!
Counselling was great but too expensive. I can't afford it at £45 per half hour.
Counselling was great but too expensive. I can't afford it at £45 per half hour.
Spanglymum
Gold Member
Well. Bit of an epic crisis (is there any other sort?!) ensued. Wow. Thing is, I did Lighter Life kind of on the surface, when I did it before. I'd never done a vlcd, so the joy of seeing the weight come off just kept me going, without believing I needed to go deeper.
So I thought I'd gone deeper since then, but it seems not. It's never been about the weight or the food. Never. I know this, but didn't FEEL it. In fact, I haven't FELT much, properly, for years, apart from occasional emotions I allowed myself because I considered them "good". Every other feeling - suppressed. Suppressed so well, in fact, that I didn't even know I was having them.
So I've stopped. Stopped packs. Stopped the "shoulds". Stopped hating myself. Giving myself impossible targets. What's that about anyway?!
The whole thing with the holiday made it so clear to me: IF I DON'T DEFEND MY NEEDS NO ONE ELSE WILL.
It looks so obvious - but it really wasn't. I was still justifying my skewed choices (ie putting everyone else first because I didn't believe I had the right to feelings or an opinion) and making myself feel "ok" about not feeling "ok" and it's really impossible to explain but layers and layers and circles and circles of doublethink and confusion and ultimately denial and unhappiness.
NO MORE!
I actually - get this - went to see a friend one night this week. I haven't done that in YEARS. I've had this idea in my head that my husband didn't want me going out in case something happened with one of the girls, or him and the MS. A hangover thought from when we had babies.
And I got everyone to tidy up after I'd cooked the millionth meal at the weekend. Said I'm not going to be taken for granted any more - and I mean it. Went off with my Kindle and read for half an hour.
And at LL last night I said I don't want to be on packs while I'm in New York and on holiday - and it's fine. Totally fine. I'm going to group when I'm here - but no pressure. It's up to me. It always has been - but I didn't really believe it. Wow!
And after two weeks off packs and messing about I've gained...
...
... 1lb. Pretty pleased with that.
So I thought I'd gone deeper since then, but it seems not. It's never been about the weight or the food. Never. I know this, but didn't FEEL it. In fact, I haven't FELT much, properly, for years, apart from occasional emotions I allowed myself because I considered them "good". Every other feeling - suppressed. Suppressed so well, in fact, that I didn't even know I was having them.
So I've stopped. Stopped packs. Stopped the "shoulds". Stopped hating myself. Giving myself impossible targets. What's that about anyway?!
The whole thing with the holiday made it so clear to me: IF I DON'T DEFEND MY NEEDS NO ONE ELSE WILL.
It looks so obvious - but it really wasn't. I was still justifying my skewed choices (ie putting everyone else first because I didn't believe I had the right to feelings or an opinion) and making myself feel "ok" about not feeling "ok" and it's really impossible to explain but layers and layers and circles and circles of doublethink and confusion and ultimately denial and unhappiness.
NO MORE!
I actually - get this - went to see a friend one night this week. I haven't done that in YEARS. I've had this idea in my head that my husband didn't want me going out in case something happened with one of the girls, or him and the MS. A hangover thought from when we had babies.
And I got everyone to tidy up after I'd cooked the millionth meal at the weekend. Said I'm not going to be taken for granted any more - and I mean it. Went off with my Kindle and read for half an hour.
And at LL last night I said I don't want to be on packs while I'm in New York and on holiday - and it's fine. Totally fine. I'm going to group when I'm here - but no pressure. It's up to me. It always has been - but I didn't really believe it. Wow!
And after two weeks off packs and messing about I've gained...
...
... 1lb. Pretty pleased with that.
Clinquant
Gold Member
I think that makes so much sense. Looking after your own needs isn't selfish it's healthy and creates a really positive role model for your girls too. I think really concentrating on the head stuff is the best long term strategy. Sure we could lose some more but a lot easier to love and take care of ourselves now without constantly feeling like failures. And 1lb!! Definitely doing something right. It suits you.
Hope you're having a lovely weekend.
Hope you're having a lovely weekend.
Spanglymum
Gold Member
Hi Debbi. Thanks for asking after me. I'm fine. Fat, but fine lol. I went back to LL last Wednesday but my heart isn't in it. I am just so weary of the whole thing. Sick of beating myself up. Sick of trying to stay on packs. Sick of feeling like the odd one out at home. Just sick of it. Sad that I couldn't maintain size 12 as it was fun, and I loved being slimmer, but right now I just have too much going on for weight to be my priority.
I think the main thing is that I learned I CAN do it, if I want to. For a long time I just despair at being overweight. Now I know it's a combination of loads of things that makes me want to eat the carbs that make me gain. And that's ok. Bit exhausted really. And my joints have been terrible the past few months and I can't help but worry I may have messed up my health by repeated attempts at vlcd. So I'm focusing on managing my anxiety (only really realised this year how significant an issue worry and anxiety is for me) and finding exercise I enjoy and want to do.
We have a dog!
And I'm swimming a few times a week. And trying to get around 12-14k steps a day. So i might be big, but I'm healthier than I was (apart from the joint pain and fatigue).
How are things with you? Thank you so much for asking after me. Sorry to ramble on! X
I think the main thing is that I learned I CAN do it, if I want to. For a long time I just despair at being overweight. Now I know it's a combination of loads of things that makes me want to eat the carbs that make me gain. And that's ok. Bit exhausted really. And my joints have been terrible the past few months and I can't help but worry I may have messed up my health by repeated attempts at vlcd. So I'm focusing on managing my anxiety (only really realised this year how significant an issue worry and anxiety is for me) and finding exercise I enjoy and want to do.
We have a dog!
And I'm swimming a few times a week. And trying to get around 12-14k steps a day. So i might be big, but I'm healthier than I was (apart from the joint pain and fatigue).
How are things with you? Thank you so much for asking after me. Sorry to ramble on! X
Debbi8489
Silver Member
Hi Spangly
I'm good thanks. Sorry its taken so long to reply. I've been busy with work and studies. Am trying to finish off a couple of essays which are due in on Wednesday, so doing my usual tactic and procrastinating lol.
Tell me about the dog!!! I think you're doing very well to manage 10K+ steps a day. I struggle but then my wee dog doesn't like mornings! He's happy with a quick walk around the block. If I try to take him any further, he has a protest and just lies down!!!
Weight wise, things are good. I'm getting hypnotherapy, which is also helping me with work related stress. I cant explain how bizarre it is. I'm not constantly thinking about food, when I'm going to eat, what am I going to eat etc. I've lost just under a stone in the last month or so. Its not just the weight though, its the feeling of mental calmness, if that makes sense? I'm confident that I'll get to my target and stay there.
I will be a more regular visitor to your thread!
Debbi x
I'm good thanks. Sorry its taken so long to reply. I've been busy with work and studies. Am trying to finish off a couple of essays which are due in on Wednesday, so doing my usual tactic and procrastinating lol.
Tell me about the dog!!! I think you're doing very well to manage 10K+ steps a day. I struggle but then my wee dog doesn't like mornings! He's happy with a quick walk around the block. If I try to take him any further, he has a protest and just lies down!!!
Weight wise, things are good. I'm getting hypnotherapy, which is also helping me with work related stress. I cant explain how bizarre it is. I'm not constantly thinking about food, when I'm going to eat, what am I going to eat etc. I've lost just under a stone in the last month or so. Its not just the weight though, its the feeling of mental calmness, if that makes sense? I'm confident that I'll get to my target and stay there.
I will be a more regular visitor to your thread!
Debbi x
