Morning
Ended up having 2 slices toast and 2 jaffa cakes. I am horrible. Woke up wanting more toast and chocolate this morning. Boo.
I cancelled V day this year because its always traumatic. I guess I just have expect and hope for more romance and spontenaity ( i cant spell that ) than what hubby usually provides (which is usually that he has to be reminded and then it feels forced and its usually not something to my taste so reinforces that whole "dont you KNOW me after over a decade together?!!" thing. anyway. im not high maintenance or b!itchy usually. But he is just not romantic AT ALL EVER. And I made him a card last year....it was so cute. And he was like "oh, thanks". Like...he wasnt bothered either way.... the next day it was in the bin...and that makes me kinda sad. ANYWAY. So i cancelled it. Well, I told him not to get me anything or worry about it this year and I wouldnt either. And for the first time EVER, I really really DIDNT get him anything. I didnt make him anything. No card. No nothing, at all. Im not going to get into it all but Im kinda disenchanted with my marriage right now. We arent fighting or arguing or anything...but im like "whatever!". Anyway. So he comes in last night with flowers. Sweet...but I just feel like he's doing it "to prove a point". He knows how I feel and he's trying to appease me. "Surprise" me. Thing is I knew he would get me flowers. He is so predictable. Anyway. Its still sweet though. Then this morning he gives me a card - v cute one - and he had made me a...thing. Very cute. Kinda like something your child would have made in primary. Its a piece of red carpet (he works in flooring) cut in a heart shape and across it he has attached a string of letter beads spelling out "i love you". very adorable. and sweet. But just feels, again, like he's doing it to prove a point. You know? Like SEE, I LOVE YOU AND I CAN MAKE YOU THINGS AND BE ROMANTIC. When its all just...not. Anyway. I probably sound like a horrible evil b!tch. Im not. I appreciate the effort and its sweet. But I know where it came from and why. I expressly said not to bother because "Its always forced...i always have to remind you and then you leave it to the last minute and panic....and it ends with you warning me the night before that "you ordered me something but had no idea what to get so it may be crap and also it may not be here on time"...and rather than us both go through all that...just dont bother this year...and i wont either". And so this is him "proving me wrong". You know?
ANYYYWAY. So im kinda sad. Feeling a bit sorry for myself and just bleh. AND THAT, I think, Is why Im wanting chocolate and some Crabby Carb Crab loves. And crying. lol. (SEE THERE WAS A POINT TO ALL THIS RAMBLING).
So yes. Im going to try to avoid rubbish all day. But it will be very very very hard as I feel...emotional and entitled. Its ridiculous, really.
Starving now though so probably going to go make some pancakes.