Before, during and (eventually) after...Paul's open and honest account.

[helzzz]

Hi Paul,

Thanks for your comments on my thread - seeing your weight loss was such an inspiration that I had to read your diary.

It's so good hearing about someone else who has the same battles as me with food. I can totally empathise with your cold pizza moment. My food that I struggle the most to avoid is McDonalds - so much so that I can be driving past a McDonalds after I have eaten and go in - even though I know I'm not hungry and end up feeling bloated and ill afterwards. During summer I had a moment where I drove into a McDonalds even though I was doing SW - it took me several attempts of driving around the car park before I was able to persuade myself that I didn't need any and left. I can still remember how proud I was of myself at that point and that feeling, along with your words, will help me through this attempt at losing weight.

Thanks

 

[*EB*]

Still completely and utterly loving your diary Paul!!!! you are such a great writer....you make my diary look very boring!! (note to self....make more effort!!!)

x

 

[porkypaul]

@Derby...It's being 100% which does work, it's by no means easy but one reaps the rewards if one can remain focussed.

@ Hel...Well done with avoiding the Macs, you've done it once now so you should always remember that and use it as an advantage if you ever feel the urge again.

@Elle...You flatter me ...How can your diary be boring with such a fantastic weight loss? lol...

6th Dec 2010

Well it's eight -thirty in the morning and I shall be going off to get weighed in an hour or so. Haven't managed to get out walking much this week, which is a shame, but I have kept to the plan so lets hope there's a loss of some sort. Of course I'd like a 5-6lb loss every week (wouldn't we all!) but I do expect it to slow down now.

When I was making my lunch yesterday (cheese and onion sarnie, crips & fuit) I realised just how well I am following the plan right now. On most days my HexA is 28g of cheese. I've always liked my cheese and I'm so pleased I can eat it (as part of the plan) that I don't really want to miss out. Anyway, I've got quite good at guessing how much 28g is once it's sliced up. So I did this yesterday, weighed it and it was 29g. How easy is it to just say to yourself, "Oh it's only 1g for God's sake, just eat it." And I do say that, or at least my mind does. The thing is, the plan says to have 28g and not 29. So I broke off a tiny piece (1g in fact) and gave it to the cat. This is what I mean about sticking to the plan 100%.

After reading a lot of posts on the MiniMins boards, I realised just how many people set themselves these 'mini targets'. I don't get the concept myself but that's probably because I don't want to set myself up for possible failure. Imagine with three more weigh-ins before Xmas I set myself a little goal of losing five lbs but it turns out that I only lose four. The way my brain works at the moment, I'd see that as me failing and it might put me on a bit of a downer. Of course I could set myself a goal to lose, say, two pounds before Xmas, then lose the same four and be over the moon but in reality I know I'd be cheating myself by setting such a low target, so why do it at all. However, I do understand some people need to do the 'mini target' thing to keep motivated. I'll just continue to use my ultimate goal as my motivation and leave the mini-targets well alone.

Can honestly say that I'm starting to look forward to the meetings now. Not only to get weighed but to see the people (some more than others lol) in my group and have a bit of a laugh with them. I was hoping to need another wee before I left home (every little counts) but that doesn't seem likely. Er, apologies for discussing my toilet habits on here lol, I'm just being 'open and honest' re what's on my mind.

It's weird but I can feel an incy wincy little bit of confidence seeping back into my demeanor and I'm quite liking the said feeling. I am trying to keep that in check just for now because if I have put-on or STS this week that aforementioned confidence will disappear as quickly as it arrived.

 

[MancBird]

Good luck for WI Paul, let us know how you get on xx

 

[Rick82]

Great to see your still doing so well Paul and your diary is brilliant reading as always, love how open and honest you are about everything.

Rick

 

[Maximus]

Thought I'd pop in and say hi Paul. I notice you're holding back and sitting on the fence re: your opinions again

You're clearly putting the 100 into 100% and I suspect the abrasive style might not be to everyone's liking, but hey, what the hell! Often just writing things down can help. it keeps you focussed, keeps you honest, if you like. I write everything down too. I choose to keep it private - you choose to print it. Who's right? who's wrong? - who cares?

My point (yes there is one lol) is this method works for both of us. I am happy, I am obsessed, I am driven and actually doing well. Your results speak for themselves! (not an ounce of jealousy, pleased for you mate - we all know how important it all is and NEVER to be taken lightly).

Every skirmish, every battle ultimately win the war. By fair means or foul! I fully expect to see you in a Slimming World magazine in the future about your journey - and God help the SW journo who tries to write the piece as they'd never put is as eloquently as yourself. Even if they did it would be without passion!

Keep going, keep writing and keep those demons at bay.

To thyself be true!

Steve

 

[porkypaul]

Appreciate, as always, those feedback comments that have been left, they really are helping me.

Dec 7th 2010

Woo-hoo, England won the second Ashes test, which makes the staying up all night worth it! I was 'wasted' (tired not drunk lol) on Monday though. After I got weighed I went for a coffee and wander in town, got home about two-ish and went to bed. I woke up about at ten pm, had my dinner (stew) and watched England whip the Aussie boys.

Just in from shopping and I've got my food for the rest of the week. Going to have egg, bacon, mushrooms, SW chips and baked beans tonight (didn't have it yesterday as planned), tomorrow I'm going to make myself some meatballs to have with spag or pasta and Thursday will be fish and chips. in addition to all that I've bought some filo pastry and mincemeat (the fruity kind) as I want to make something nice that I can have for pud on Xmas day. Got myself a 'Mugshot' as well - haven't tried them before...oh and some pickled silverskin onions which I'm hoping are sin-free.

Was having a little think today, trying to work out if I'm lazy by nature or I'm lazy because I'm still four stone overweight. Been promising myself to walk a couple of miles a day (with the dog) and or go swimming a few times a week. Apart from me going on a short walk Sunday, I'm still to do any other exercise. Ok so it's bloody freezing out and the walk I'm talking about happens to be up a path which is surrounded (on all sides) by farmer's fields. Because it's so flat where I live it's often windy and the breeze on Sunday was really biting. But I simply can't use these things as viable excuses, I can always don a coat, hat, scarf, gloves and boots...I'm just being lazy. Now that I'll be back to a 'normal' life (no test cricket for ten days) I'll have to push myself to get off my lazy backside and do this exercise.

Was unable to resist the urge to buy some diet-pepsi today but I only got two (2-litre) bottles which is one less than I bought last week. Not drinking diet fizzy might prove harder to do than I thought. Although the said drink is totally sin-free I actually see it as being a treat, which is no bad thing in my humble opinion. Considering pre SW I was having (up to) fifteen litres of it a week it's good that I'm cutting down.

My weigh-in this week proved the SW plan continues to work for me. I wasn't too sure what to expect before I stepped on the scales but being told I was three-and a half pounds down was a fantastic tonic...well pleased! Talked to my Consultant/group about the weighing of the cheese for my Hex-A. She asked the whole group if any of them would (hand on heart) do the same. No-one else would do what I do, they all admitted they'd eat the odd 1g, which really surprised me.

She also talked about Christmas and the ease at which you could eat 300-500 sins in a day. She suggested there's nothing wrong with 'relaxing' a little over Xmas, it is only once a year, but do your best to keep to 150-180 sins a day...I was mortified! Simple maths tells me that if I did this for just three days (and normal sinned the other four) I'd be having having about SIX weeks worth of sins in a week! My brain works as such: Six weeks of sins in one week would be a minimum seven pound gain for me...hold that thought....If I weigh in on Dec 20th and I'm 260lbs and continue to stick to plan for the next five weeks I'd expect to weigh about 246lbs on the 24th Jan...If I 'relax' for a week, gain, then lose what I'd put on (which will take a few weeks), I'd weigh in on the 24th Jan at 260lbs...That's a stone heavier than if I stick to plan. I don't care if it is Christmas, I'm not going down that road. Besides, I've had thirty odd Christmas's as an adult and I've over indulged during every one of them, taking one out is hardly going to hurt. If I lose weight and get healthy I'd like to think I'll have (at least) another thirty Christmas's to 'relax'.

 

[Derbynanny]

Well done on another great weight loss.

Have you tried any of the reduced fat cheeses? I love aldi's one and sort of like kerry LO LO (but not as much) and you get 42 g!! which seems loads for a sandwich compared to 28g ! Most of the mature rf cheddar's are nicer than they used to be. I would throw the extra one gram away too but i think we are in the minority.

I made filo pastry mini mince pies today 2 1/2 syns for 2 if you would liek the recipe.

Teresa

 

[helzzz]

Hi Paul,

I thought of you today when I weighed out my cheese. It turned out at 29g and instead of just eating it I broke a bit off to make it 28g. I stood in the kitchen for a minute trying to decide whether to eat it or bin in and eventually the angel on my shoulder won and I put it in the bin. Thanks for the incentive!

 

[Twizzle]

loving your diary, must admit cold food especially cold pizza is enough to put me off eating it! now give me some crackling or chicken skin and that is a whole different story!!! Well done on your weight loss, keep it up

 

[sarahlou25]

Hi Paul,
Just like to say I love your diary, you've even inspired me to start one starting tonight. I've got about 5 stone I'd ideally like to lose but im just taking it as it comes. Enjoying myself and just being careful.
What you've lost is amazing though! Congratualtions and I look forward to reading the rest of your weight loss diary!
Take care! x

 

[Maximus]

Paul fella, just go for the diet Pepsi. Wouldn't touch the stuff myself, confirmed diet Coke man lol. I've cut right back on mine, but never see it as an issue even when I was drowning in the stuff

Another vote for the reduced fat cheddar etc. 42g - (remember 43g is forbidden/illegal lol).

I had a fabulous week - quite a surprise. I put it all down to Body Magic - I walk a lot. Get yourself started - wrap up and get out there. 5.7 miles I done Sunday and as I typed elsewhere, my 3 best losses (see my signature) have all coincided with Sunday walks of between 5.7 and 9.7 miles.

I feel a lot fitter, more alert and actually now enjoy getting out more. I hope it might inspire you as you continue to inspire us my friend!

ATB

Steve

 

[porkypaul]

@ Derby...Thanks for that recipe, I'm going to have a go at cooking some tomorrow.

@Hel...Hope you're proud of yourself re the cheese. Might not seem a lot but it must all add up eh? Bit pat on the back for you

@ Twizzle...Gotta avoid that crackling for sure!

@ Sarah..Thanks for your comments and I hope you continue on with your own diary.

Dec 8th 2010

Some days you just wake up with the feeling it's not going to be the best twenty-four hours of your life...and today was one of those days for me.

I had stayed up until about 4am trying to sort out the PC my sister has given me. I've set it up for the two youngest to use. Because I was so late going to bed I didn't rise until half ten in the morning and I was already agitated, I know not why. The first thing I wanted to do was eat...not fruit, not free food but the rebellious stuff, peanut butter on toast sounded perfect. Instead of giving in to the urges immediately, I made myself a black coffee, sat down and tried to focus. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't convince myself I didn't want P&B on toast or something akin to it...I had a second coffee.

I went into the back garden and lifted the two large drain covers and was met by a sight you don't wish to see at any time, let alone first thing in the morning when it's below zero. Yep, the drain/waste gulleys were blocked...YUCK! Phone call ensued and I was told a man was on his way, felt sorry for him actually. I was beginning to get an insight as to why I woke feeling like I did, premonition I think they call it.

My body/mind still craved something to eat though, something bad.

Ten minutes later I was driving into town. I didn't give in but I didn't eat my usual fruit breakfast either, I had nothing. My wife was happy to deal with the drain man. I parked the car away from town and walked in the rest of the way. I did what I had to do and headed back to the car, ignoring the whisper from the Wimpey as I trudged passed its window. Bloody place, I love Wimpey and it knows it!

Once home the drain man had come and gone and all was sorted but there was another problem. My wife had switched the washing machine on only for it not to fill with water. Now the washing machine and other electrical items are in the 'utility' room. This room, it seems, is almost the same temperature as it is outside, it is built onto the end of the house after all. On closer inspection the (flexi) pipe had frozen, water had expanded and it was split. The only thing stopping the water from pouring out was the ice which blocked it. All the other pipes are lagged and this hasn't happened in the eleven years we've lived here. So I turned the water supply (to the utility room) off and said I'd fit a new one once the iced had thawed. Grrrr

I made myself a corned beef sarnie for lunch (3 sins worth of CB) had a pack of low fat snacks and a huge glass of Pepsi max. Again I ignored the voices which called for something much more unhealthy to eat.

A little later and I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner for the boys. I was worried about there being some sort of leak in the area as the water pressure seemed low, all I need I thought. The eldest came into the kitchen and was stood by the kitchen door (which leads to the utility room and the back door) chatting when he stopped talking. Wondering what the noise was he could hear he opened the kitchen door, to be met by three inches of water which covered the floor. It seems I hadn't fully turned off the water supply to the washing machine/dishwasher. Yup, the ice had melted and water was pouring out.

Dinner was ready to be served, it was minus three outside and I had water everywhere...Wonderful! I'm not one to panic in such situations (what's the point) but I really could have done without this.

Water supply fully off, dinner served (mine would have to wait) and then I set about the mopping up exercise. The back door to the garden is in the utility room so 'wading' around and clearing up with said door open, I was freezing! It took me over an hour to get it all sorted but I finally got round to having my spag bol and pasta about 7pm.

I spent a couple of hours this evening watching my beloved Chelsea getting beat in the Champions League, which has rounded off my day just as I expected.

I've felt really crap since I've been awake regarding my attitude toward the whole changing my eating habits etc. I feel fat today, feel like I've had enough of it and felt like I just wanted a day off. I'm hoping this is just part of the whole process and I'm going to have days like this. It's stating the obvious to say that these really are the days where you have to be strong. It's the first time in four weeks it has hit me this badly and I've just realised it's times like this that I'm glad I have this diary to write in. I'm no different from most people, I always feel so much better when I've talked things out, or written things out in this case.

.......Having just spent a few minutes thinking about it all, it may just be that I'm a bit down on myself. I haven't drunk any water today (again) like I promised , nor have I taken any real exercise. I'm an expert at being too hard on myself and I'm doing it again...that has to stop...and it will.

I can't play the 'I am a victim' card any more, it's silly. Tomorrow's another day and I will start drinking water in the morning, the same with exercising. In fact, I've just hit 'Sky +' and now have a week's worth of Aerobics (Oz style) taping. First programme is on tomorrow morning and my first workout will be tomorrow evening.

Wow...I can hardly believe how different I feel from thirty odd minutes ago. When I typed the first word of this entry I felt like crap, despondent even. I still wanted to go into the kitchen and scoff the contents of the cupboard which houses the cakes and crisps. But writing all my thoughts and feelings down really has helped me a lot. I now accept there will be days when I want to scurry back to my old ways because I'd be more comfortable there. Living life with this new outlook to eating etc is out of my comfort zone, I'm not used to it yet and I won't be for some time. When life comes along and throws some s**t my way I have to take it on the chin and defy my brain's wish to sabotage myself.

Today's been really difficult but I feel another battle has been won...Now where are those apples?

 

[sarahlou25]

sounds like a bad day but its nearly over x

 

[~Lisa]

Paul, first of all, a MASSIVE thank you for deciding to put your very personal thoughts down for us all to see. It's hard to be open & honest with yourself, let alone a bunch of people online.

You truly are an inspiration.

I've been one of those dieters that kid themselves constantly...y'know "I've been so good, so I deserve to have that cake/packet of crisps/vat of wine" , and subsequently don't achieve the loss that I want (need).

Reading your diary has really made me kick myself up the bum, and I am going to be 100% committed to SW, and myself. After all, nobody else is going to care as much as I do if I don't lose weight. Nobody but me can make me thin!

Finally, I just wanted to say well done. Your losses have been fantastic, and it's testament to your hard work and sheer determination. Long may the diary entries and losses continue!

 

[Derbynanny]

Great insightful diary as usual hope today is better day for you. And well done on fighting the demons. I personally think sometimes our body deliberately sounds us hungry days to test us. You sent back a fab message you will not give in !!

Enjoy the mince pies I certainly am,

Teresa

 

[Maximus]

The last post should be made a sticky!

Not only that but pasted into EVERY section on the forum(s).

There must have been at least a dozen "danger points" where you could have fell of the wagon. It is credit to you you never - the temptations were there and I'm sure nobody would have blamed you. - well you'd have been hard on yourself as per usual

My point being there's an awful lot out there would have used a lot less than that - possibly even me (though I'd like to think not lol)

Take a bow son

 

[porkypaul]

@~Lisa...All I can say is Thank-you. Your kind words mean a lot

@ Derby...I made some mince-triangles ..1 pt each and were lovely.

@ Maximus...Cheers fella, thanks for the continued encouragement.

Dec 10th 2010

I'm not too sure who's writing my life's script at the moment but whoever it is they haven't got much of a sense of humour.

Yesterday was actually a very good day. I felt positive, drank lots of water, peed for England, ate properly and got some exercise in as well. With that behind me, I woke in positive mood today.

I pottered around the house for a while this morning before venturing to the top of the garden and into the shed. It was nice being able to go out in a t-shirt (I don't 'do' jumpers) and see the grass for the first time in ten days or so. I had a rummage around and found what I was looking for, a spare washing machine hose. Back to the, almost dried out, utility room to replace the damaged hose with the spare one. Job done, I turned the water supply back on and put a load of washing on. Machine kicked in, filled with water and all was good so I went back into the house.

Time was ticking on and I wanted to get to the supermarket so I put my trainers on (tying the laces from a standing position...woo-hoo) and went to lock up. As I opened the kitchen door to get into the utility room I was met with water everywhere...what the hell??!! As it turned out the outlet pipe was blocked so when the washing machine emptied, the water had nowhere to go but out of the top of said outlet pipe and into the utility room....again! For some reason, about eight inches of the pipe was completely blocked with ice. I spent fifteen minutes or so mopping up before spending another fifteen de-icing the pipe, during which I somehow tore a muscle in my arm in and around my elbow...If I didn't laugh I would have cried.

Things didn't really get any better when, for some dumb-ass reason, I got on my scales...I guess I was after a bit of 'you have lost weight' therapy- er wrong!! My scales are very accurate and I weighed two pounds more than I did last Monday morning...cue long sigh. Now in hindsight this was a bloody stupid thing to do, having said that
if they showed a two pound loss then I would have felt a lot better than I did. If I'm honest, I did expect them to show a decrease, it was a case (in my mind at the time) of how much of a loss as opposed to anything else. Live and learn eh?

Wasn't in the happiest of moods whilst out shopping and that was reflected in my lack of energy for the job. I didn't plan what I was going to get for myself and ended up with steak (again) for dinner tonight, stew (again) tomorrow, roast chicken Sunday and chicken and pasta for Monday. I realised the other day I need to start varying things a little but I couldn't be arsed with it today, wholemeal rolls instead of bread was as far as I went.

I don't understand the weight gain (if indeed there is one) as I've continued to stick to plan, albeit forgetting my HexA one day. If anything I'm probably not eating enough fruit, veg etc. I'll take an educated guess that a weight gain or a week of no loss (if you've stuck to plan) really does curb one's enthusiasm for the whole concept of eating properly. Suddenly things aren't working and you begin to wonder if it's all worth it. I'm not saying that is the case, just how one's brain might interoperate things. Perhaps, once again, looking for that excuse to throw in the towel for a day or two, or even longer...It's all bull of course because it does work, well it does if you do it correctly.

I am writing this with an ironic smile on my face, reading this diary makes it sound like I'm some sort of Jonah just lately lol. I'm not looking for sympathy, not that anyone thinks that, I'm just reporting things as they happen, both in life and in my head. Prior to November the 8th, when crappy things happened one just bemoaned one's luck and got on with things. But now I don't have food to turn to the 'bad' things feel magnified, strange isn't it? Perhaps I did use food for comfort more than I actually realise.

"Oh no, the dishwasher's packed up and broken beyond repair...Sod it, let's have a take-away."

Guess that's a typical phrase one has used in the past and it really does make me wonder why I did do that...use food I mean. Why, why, why? What is it that a take-away (et al) does to make us feel better about a crappy situation in life? Why do I think life's going to be better just because I stuff three-thousand calories down my throat? I'll leave the analysing of this point for another day.

My arm's got progressively worse as the day's gone on and aches like a bugger now. It's more uncomfortable than painful, it only hurts if I use it. Not so bad sat here typing because I've got it rested on the desk but it does mean I can't do my aerobics (Oz style) tonight...bummer! Despite my day being worse than I was hoping I haven't been tempted to go off plan and haven't really needed to fight any urges to, perhaps my brain is beginning to get the message not to react in that way. I've been drinking a lot of water again which I'm pleased about and I didn't buy any diet fizzy today either.

All in all, and despite everything, I'm feeling positive. I've given myself a wrap on the knuckles for getting on the scales but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Just did the wrong thing at the wrong time and now I'll just let it go. Looking at the bigger picture, today is just day thirty-three into all this and I'm still very much a novice. There's still so much to learn, so much to practice and so much to get right but I'll get there one day. As silly as it sounds, I want to look back at days like today and remember them, if nothing else it will remind me of how far I've come and just how much stronger I am as a person.

In the words of Chumbawamba and their song 'Tubthumping'....."I get knocked down but I get up again, you're never going to keep me down."

 

[*EB*]

Good for you Paul - sounds like you had a wash out in the utility room (disaster!) but don't let a damp patch get you down!

I often weigh myself midweek and it can be a total LIE of a figure....its all about the weekly weigh in, and sometimes i am lighter or heavier and can never fathom out where the weight goes in a matter of 2/3 days. What I am not so easily trying to say is dont worry about the scales - they are not the truth. Only your weigh in at group counts.

Still loving your amazing diary xxx

 

[elm]

You haven't written anything for 2 days, its a bit odd since I'm use to waking up and reading what you wrote lol. I hope all is well.