Gem & Abz...Thank you both for the comments. I know you both can sense what I was saying. There were a lot of issues with my father, but one imparticular which was horrendous and inexcuseable. But I know this did need to come to a head you as you say. I think about it this morning and I still feel a little sad, but I do still feel relief for not having it balancing over me! OH was really proud of me for finally saying all the things that needed to be said. My realtionship with my father was never that great, and we have gone many years without speaking. It was only through pressure from my brother that I felt it necessary to speak to him. Our relationship was very up and down and on egg shells. I was happy to just have a casual "hey how are you, just checkin you're still breathing!" kind of relationship. But as per usual he brings up his version of the past...the past which I was too young to understand or comprehend what was going on around me. But there is one thing I know for certain. One time which I could give detail beyond belief. He like to make out that he was some kind of perfect father until I was 8, but to be honest I don't remember much of him. The odd memories "good ones" were few and far between. The person I ran to was my mother. The one I felt protected by was my mother. Father...I could honestly say I have about 5 good memories of him. but they were overshadowed by the one really bad one. And I was never really allowed to come to terms with it in my own time. I mean don't get me wrong my mother wasn't perfect either. She had/has her bad points to. Being into my life a man who was emotionally and physically ( as times) abusive to not just her but me as well. And last night it all came out. May I just needed it finally. Maybe my mind was telling me to drop my issues so i could move on. I know that was the reason for my eating. It was the only thing I had control over in my life. So before talking to my dad I talked to my mother too. And I went over issues with her...and I think for the first time in my life she really understood my feelings, accepted what I was saying and didn't make excuses. She actually apologised to me for being a "bad mother". But she wsn't a bad mother, she just made soem poor choices, but I know she made them at the time because she thought it was right. I see that as an adult where I didn't at the time. They aren't the choices I would have made, not in a million years. I would leave anyone to include my OH if he ever layed a finger on me or my child. But he would never do that and would expect nothing less. But it was nice to finally settle that with my mother and after the blow up with my father ( which i didn't see coming as it was he who brought of past issues- which he tends to do), I called my mother, still angry...still emotional and spoke to her. And for the first time in a very long time, she let her defenses down and cried with me. She hates my father, hates what he did and said she would quite easily kill him with her bare hands if she could. And whilsts it is not a nice thing...it did make me feel better. Her tears cleansed me. I felt not too alone. Of course my OH was there and is and has always been supportive of me, I just needed that from my mother. And when she told me she loved me...I really felt it, I really knew it was true, and not habitual. But her and I are still close, I feel like the little wire fence that kept us separated has now been lifted. So, I am grateful. My only really issue that I need to deal with now is my step father. These years we get on rather well. He thinks the sun shines out my OH backside. And I know that in the past he has aplogised to my mother for his actions and the way he treaded me as a child, but he has never said anything to me. But hopefully next time I go home, this can be resolved and I will have kicked my baggage to the curb. *LOL*
Oh the good side, I have lost another pound and hoping that I will finally have a record loss this week, Since sunday I have lost 6lbs, but since my weigh in it is only 4, but I can deal with for. I am starving at the minute and am going to grab from yummy food. I am addicted to ryvitas. So as a bit of a treat I am going to eat all my allowance of food today, all the healthy extras ( but chill on the syns) having had enough sinces this week to last a month I don't want to put any weight back on.
Abz...as far as the cding goes, gem is right to just be careful. Are you drinking enough water? I drank loads yesterday, ( hahaha) water I mean, buy the alcohol dehydrated me and this morning I felt a few cramps just wanting to creep in. Make sure you are still drinking enough water. But definately speak to your cdc, going up the 1000, as long as you know the weight loss will decrease, than it shouldn't be an issue. But you are more than welcome to join SW. I love it. I love doing it online too. For me, I can see more choices than I ever did when I was reading the books, they are motivational, and it really makes you think about what you are eating as I keep on online diary and can go back and look at the weeks when I lose more and see what I was eating . Personally the red days seem to do it for me, but other's are green. And after cding, you realise how much freedom you have and since you are so used to not eating too much anyway, it works perfect. But that could just be me.
Anyway all...sorry to dump all this on you...it's not meant to be a sob story. I know I am a strong person, and inspite of the things that have happened to me in my life, they have made me who I am. So nah!!hahaha