Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Ok, quick update before I crawl upstairs to bed...

Firstly - what's up with taking pics of snails? They are fascinating and move at a speed that I can .. lol

Right - next, a bimble is a leisurely ride on my motorbike (or could be a slow drive in a car) ... where you just ride and enjoy the scenery and being on the bike and taking in your surroundings... also known as pootling ... lol

So, I got Hattie out and went off to the bike club camping weekend up in Leicestershire in Wolvey... I printed out a kind of map - very basic, and a route but, with having no way of checking it without stopping regularly I relied on my own sense of direction (initially)... lol Well, needless to say, pretty predictable outcome - got lost! Still... eventually found my way there and they were really surprised to see me turn up on me lush Hattie! It was wonderful to see all my lovely biking buddies again... and I spent 2 fabulous hours just chatting and mingling... they had their BBQ (I resisted!) .. and, at 6.30pm I set off home again (wanted to be back by dark as never ridden Hattie at night and not keen on roads I don't know..)

Got hopelessly lost on the way home too - went through Naseby 3 different ways before finding the right way! lol

Took me 'til 8.45pm to get home - Hattie put away and me in the bath all before sunset... hurrah!

She needs a good wash now too! Poor bike is all muddy as it poured with rain (very briefly) whilst I was at the rally... still.. it was such a lovely afternoon...

So - today has been productive AND enjoyable.. AND tiring... AND 100% on track! So...bed now so that I might have energy tomorrow for a bit more housework and then taking the dog to another bike club event - this time it's a BBQ in Stansted... bit nervous about it as I would love to have food... but will take my soup with me and see how I feel once there... I made a special cake this morning to take with me - along with the fairy cakes I decorated into butterfly cakes.. I hope they like it!

Really tired - its exhausting riding a motorbike - so much concentration... but oh sooo much fun! Even took her up to 70mph today (that's a first for me!)... she is such a lovely bike to ride! So responsive! Photos of Hattie and cakes attached (hopefully!)

Night night folks xxxx

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Well, it was a wonderful day until I got in this evening.HWSNBN arrived back from his mums just moments after me and I dashed out to get some milk - having left the spare room door open so he could see his stuff was in there. I came back and to say there is an atmosphere is a bit like calling a tsunami a slight ripple!
He told me he's going to make alternative arrangements for his accommodation at our big rally in September , and that he'll keep out if my way as much as he can. I told him he didn't need to keep out of my way but by now he was already in tears so I headed upstairs to have the bath I ran just as I'd got home.

I feel terribly sad for him as he looked so so upset. I guess it's early days but I've got a feeling he will move out, that's what I would do if I were him. At least he's acknowledged we cannot share a room at the rally so that's acceptance on one level, plus, he hasn't said he's not going which is also a good sign. I still think there's someone else, but if so, would he be so upset?

I'm upset, feel sick inside, don't like hurting anyone and although he's not for me, he's a nice enough man. Also sad coz his acceptance is resolution and whilst relieved it's also another failure on my part ...

Just want to lose my weight and get fit again now and get a "top up" job as I'm going to need it all the more now!

Had permission from CDC to eat chicken and salad today so I did, feel a bit about that too as ought really to have taken soup. So, only 2 packs today and bath and bed now. I do wish he hadn't asked if it was ok for him to watch tv!! Makes me sound like his mother or prison guard!

 

[HelenG]

Could you get work supplying baked goods to local cafes? You are already baking for charity sales - could this be an option?

It's sad about the situation with HWSNBN but you know that it is the best thing in the long run :hug99: Hopefully he will soon accept the situation and you will either become very good housemates or he will move to alternative accommodation and, sadly, you will have to get another lodger to help with the finances (till your baking takes off)

Thanks for explaining Bimble

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Thanks Helen , not sure my baking is worthy of shops etc, but bless you for thinking of it.

It's awful here at the moment, I want to cry. He's sitting in the living room with such a face on him, I apologised for the untidiness of the room and he came right back with a snappy "it's ok, it's YOUR living room".

I've come to bed, got a splitting headache now - first one in over a week... No coincidence eh ?

I emailed him to say I was sorry he was upset and it will take time to get used to and that he doesn't need to ask permission to watch telly or do anything, that things have only changed in our relationship...

I have a feeling it's going to be a long week ...

 

[Eclipse]

Aw darling, sending hugs, but you have done the right thing. You cannot stay with him just because you feel sorry for him. You have to be happy too, and you have your own life to lead darling. Stay strong x x

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

My head hurts and I feel sick. I hate how hurt he is, but know it will pass... Thank you Cheryl , really wish we lived nearer x x x night x

 

[Eclipse]

night honey x x

 

[HopeSprings]

... and all things will pass....

I do feel for you.... enjoy your bed, luxuriate in it, it's yours.... HWSNBN will find his own space, we all do....

It's taken me 3 years to get to where I am now.... I love my peace and serenity... I have no need of a man and nor do you...

live your own life it's a wonderful one...

sleep well sweetheart xx

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

*sigh* I am feeling utterly dreadful this morning... woke up with a blinding headache and then had a nosebleed! I know it's stress...
Had a very restless night so woke feeling very tired - not the best start to the week... I didn't hear any sounds from "next door" so got up and got ready for work... was just leaving when HWSNBN came downstairs... he said he didn't want me out of pocket for the rally and handed over £45 from his dressing gown pocket!! (Wish I had cash in my dressing gown, lol)... but seriously... he was on the brink of tears as he spoke and I feel just awful... I can't wait to go to my mums on Friday.. give me some space and him too... wonder if he will pack up and leave whilst I'm away? Always a possibility I guess...

My head is pounding still and I have shed a few tears too this morning on the way to the office. I hate seeing him like this but I KNOW what will happen if I weaken my resolve and I hate that even more..

I am going to just keep very, very busy and out of his way... he needs to get used to this too.. I can't see him coping living with me though.. not on these terms...

He seems like a little lost boy right now...not a 56yr old man.

I have a long list of jobs to do today so am going to steam into those when I get in. I left the list clearly visible on the table so he knows my plans (I know he will read it - he won't be able to resist)..

I hope he makes the most of this weather and gets out on his bike. I intend to go out on Hattie later and meet up with my mate Ruth on her bike. When I ride I block everything else out - have to to concentrate on road etc.. so it's good for me.

I ran out of paracetomol last night - not good as the children in the playgroup are very vocal this morning too!!

Roll on Friday... that's all I can think right now... hope it's nice weather so I can do some gardening for mum... must remember to pack books as am certain to have plenty reading time...

Ho hum.. Monday eh? Well.. I suppose it's a brand new week so ... crack on! xx

 

[madmuppet]

Sending you big hugs xx

Its going to be hard but just keep saying to yourself you are better off this way then falling back into what was, keep up the great work you are doing and you will be fine hun ooo and stock up on the paracetamol lol.
Dont let the fact he is back in your home distract you from your goals if he sees you getting on with things maybe just maybe he will take the little boy lost look of his face and realise that he needs to take action of his own life and move on, its hard for you both but keep up your hard work and things will be fine in the end just another journey of ups and downs to go before reaching your destination xx

 

[Gen]

Big hugs sweetie xxx

 

[madmuppet]

ooo and forgot to say great photos, my mum loves snails aswell lol xx

 

[mindless]

Don't think I can add much except say - no point in living a lie! Being faced with the truth has stopped the ostrich syndrome as he must have been aware of the real situation but didn't face it.

Now he has to - and will. Tears pass and he also has to be grateful to have had the chance to make something happen

The fact it didn't is not something to be seen as a failure but just not a success. If you try nothing, you achieve or do nothing.

They go together and as I was taught but the inscrutable (sp?) Japanese when I worked from them (and they know a bit about success!) - follow the FFnF rule

Fail, forwards n fast. (Honest that was a mantra).

Try and if fail, go forwards by taking the knowledge of why and then try again quickly (the old get back on the bike if you fall off saying).

So FFnF - go FFnF and tell him to as well

xxx

 

[tech1960ps]

My heart goes out to you, here's a big:grouphugg:

Love the pic of your new bike, really nice. I hope your week gets better. Chin up, you have achieved so much, don't worry about shrek he will get over it, you are more important.

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

You are such a great bunch - thank you. I spent a great deal of my morning in tears, and feeling terrible. A lovely lady came in and she told me to stand firm and remember how I've been feeling for months and ask myself if that's how I want it to be. She's very wise.

I dreaded coming home and when I got in he was sitting in the garden smoking. I was cheery and chatty but I know right now he cannot bear to be near me for fear of letting emotions show.

I got stuck into the gardening and he vanished into the house and upstairs. I have been non- stop gardening for almost 3 hours and am chuffed with what's been achieved. He watched me for awhile and then offered to take all the cuttings etc to the dump fir me. I'm not proud and said yes please!! Apart from anything else, it gives me peace. It will also make him feel useful and put some space between us.

He still looks tearful and so very hangdog sad. I hung his washing out for him as the machine had finished and it's such a lovely day, I noticed he has been out and bought his own washing powder and conditioner - the stuff I'm allergic to, lol.

I also noticed that he's moved his key dish upstairs. Little things but signs that he knows it's over. Sad little signs but ok too.

I feel so sad but I'm not going to cry if he's around. It would confuse him. My tears are kind if a mixture of sadness at not succeeding and also for his pain and sadness too. I'm not heartless, just not his. Will update more later as about to have a radox bath and try to relax. Thanks again, you're really kind x x x

 

[Karen1972]

Hi honey

What's done is done, you've made your decision so you can really stop giving yourself such a hard time, all this wisping is NOT good for you!!!!!!

He's a big boy and he'll be fine.... just focus on you now and start enjoying the new you emerging from your shell. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to move on.

Hope i'm not being too harsh xxx mwah xxx

 

[HelenG]

Hang in there kid! You know that you need to go through the anguish to move forward. As your kind colleague said to you this morning, you couldn't continue as you were and, in his heart of hearts, I'm sure HWSNBN knows that too.

:hug99:

BTW I think that there COULD be a market for your baked goods - why don't you ask the people who are buying them, I'm sure they wouldn't buy them if they didn't taste good.

 

[Kitteh]

Aaw doll.. Its ok to mourn the loss of a relationship.. it is a loss after all, however remember the reasons why.
xxx

 

[Eclipse]

Its not easy honey, but you cannot go back now. You must look ahead and stay strong. You cannot go back to feeling as you did before its not fair on you, and its not fair on him either. You have done the right thing and you have to move on now x x

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Hi honey

What's done is done, you've made your decision so you can really stop giving yourself such a hard time, all this wisping is NOT good for you!!!!!!

He's a big boy and he'll be fine.... just focus on you now and start enjoying the new you emerging from your shell. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to move on.

Hope i'm not being too harsh xxx mwah xxx

what's wisping?