Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary

Keep going Jennie, the weekend after my AAM I felt I could eat my way through the fridge ... literally. You have done so well, and you know you'll have a great loss on Tuesday, Ailsa will be so chuffed with you! I've got to see how i've got on this week, had xmas party on Friday, but could hardly eat a thing ... this diet must shrink your stomach! But was back in Ketosis on Saturday so hopefully won't effect it too much. Did you realise that today is your 2 month anniversary on Cambridge?
 
Hi FFFish

Well done, staying on track. This is the hardest time of the year isn't it? Everything seems to end up with food.

Started on packs today, feeling positive......went to church...feeling positive, looking forward to a good sing (carols by candleight), ended up drinking 2 glasses of mulled wine and a MINCE PIE:eek:

Ah well try again tomorrow......

Keep up the great work, I'll try to follow your example. Off for a brisk walk in a minute!
 
Monday afternoon - still at work. Read all your comments and sat here with floods of tears. :( Thank you.:eek: I just hate feeling this way.. I wish I didn't still get so damned upset about it all.

I know you are right.. and yet... it just seems like it was yesterday that it all happened.. all the hurt... the shock... the physical pain and emotion of it all.. I don't want to remember but in a bizarre way I think I need to. I need to to know that it DID happen and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that, there never has been. All I can do is impact on what happens next.. not on anything already gone..

My head is telling me all the logical stuff yet my heart is still breaking. He is remarried, baby on the way, happy ( I guess) in his new life having discarded me and the girls as his old life. (He once told me that - when I was trying to sort out all the finances etc.. that I was sorting out the old life! I soon put him right and said it might be his old life but it was still very much my present life and that of the girls too!). How easy it seems to have been for him to forget all about us and all the good years we had...

I want to eat, so much, there is half a shepherds pie in the fridge, baguettes in the cupboard, lemon and sultana biscuits in the larder unit, money in my purse which I could buy cakes with.. *sigh.. God this is so hard!

I won't give in though.. he will not beat me! HE has no hold over me! I choose not to give up! I have always been an emotional eater.. but you know... if I eat now I know I won't be able to face the move into ketosis ever again.. ever! It was too hard and too physically painful. I think I'll go and walk around the lakes again for half an hour.. don't care if it is raining... just need quiet time. Tears time without food. Too easy to cheat at home.

It isn't even hunger.. it's just habit.. it's just emotions...

Sorry, I know you're right Cah-Ching... but I can't celerate tomorrow.. the date is seared into my heart just as real as if it was branded there with a hot iron. I will do something positive though. Dunno what. Not food shopping though. Thank you though, your message was lovely.. (waiting with interest the pm about Eric).

Not thought of him today.. haven't contacted him. He is going to end up a lonely old man I think. That said, I don't think he will grow old as he is diabetic, has high cholesterol which he refuses to take medication for, has little or no sleep, is obese and is doing nothing to improve his health and is crap at relationships. Not looking good for him eh?

Got an appointment at the Drs with the Nurse at about 2. BP & weigh in. Hopefully will get referral to gym, if so then I will go there and join tomorrow! That's my positive thing to do! If not then I might just do it anyway.. will have to do something and soon, my arms are already like batwings and I know they will need surgery... might make an appointment with GP to discuss that now.. once the rest of this weight goes they will be horrendous.. I am still doing the weights but that doesn't seem to do much good.

Caught sight of my thighs the other day.. not good.. but you know what.. as no-one but me sees them it doesn't matter at the moment.. but.. I can see it having an impact on how I feel about my body if I let it. I need to get my head into some positive thoughts and maybe read some motivational stuff... I met a lovely lady on the Cruise ship who is a motivational writer and speaker.. might drop her an email and see if she fancies a house guest late in next year? (Australian so would have to be once I get a decent paying job!).

Still to have that chat with the boss.. due in tomorrow now.. don't want to have it now.. especially not tomorrow.. need to think about that.

Right.. am going for my trudge around the lakes.. hopefully the rain will stay off but if not, well, I have skin!

Thanks for all your kind words and hugs.. they do make a difference.

Wish it was next year already.... I don't think the temptation is related to Christmas though... just emotions and the fact that it's been 2 months now and I miss food. Oh well... soon be 2007 and I can look forward to going out and about a bit.. then take it a bit easier from summer onwards..

Taking another look at the jobs pages again this afternoon... once Zoe and I have put everything back up in the loft I'm going to get an early night.. read my book.. hopefully sleep a bit better than last night... jeez.,, I need to cheer up! I'm a right old moaning minnie today! Weigh in with Ailsa tomorrow - so am looking forward to a better result than last week! (Don't think that has helped with my feelings this week)... I'm hoping to be close to the weight I was over 10 years ago when I married the ex... not saying how much that is but will let you know when I get there!

Thanks again ladies.. xxx
 
Hiya Jen

Sorry you're feeling a bit low at the moment hun! I think you are right about your weight loss last week making you magnify your problems this week - it's strange but oh so very true, i can't wait to hear how the weigh in goes tomorrow, i'm sure you'll have a great loss!!

Stick with it, don't cheat - not even a morsel. I didn't eat a single thing for 8 months - found it soooo easy. Then when i started to intro food, all my eating problems came flooding back. I'm 13lbs over target (it was slightly more last week) so i think i'm doing ok ish cos i've been eating for over 7 months and yes i'm still on and off the LL food pax but at least i'm still a size 12 (altho was a 10 grrr!). I will get back there esp now i have a skinny boyfriend who makes me look fat haha!

Hey your pub quizzer sounds interesting... did you manage to have a chat and find out anything more??

Stay strong gorgeous girl, you are doing BRILLIANTLY. And what better revenge can you have on your ex than to lose all your weight and to look even more gorgeous than when you met him.....! Hope you get to bump into him when you get to target!! I sent my ex (who also left me for another woman) my after pictures, he's never seen me slim and his now wife is v short and v fat - ha! Sorry how nasty is that but she is a beeyatch!

Chin up....
 
stay strong Jennie, try to focus on possitive things hun, like the feeling you had when you tried on those combats not expecting them to fit, & yet they did, that must have felt fab, i know when i try things on that i used to get into & they now fit again it gives me a real buzz. now tom out of the way your going to have a good loss tommorrow & that'll pick u up as well
(((((hugs))))) :)
 
Hi Jennie,

Your doing good and breaking your diet is not going to help one bit, it will just make you feel far worse at the end of the day and it is so very hard to get back into the zone again. I know:(

Your photos show how well you have done already:) You look very well and younger!

You are giving yourself the best Christmas present ever, imagine almost the weight you were 10 years ago...now how brill is that.:D

Good luck with your weigh in and I hope it is a good one!

Love Mini xxx
 
Been reading ur thread... u've done soooo well!

I know a lot of people struggle to let go of things that scar them in their lives... but it is true that they will make u a stronger person. You have shown tremendous grit and determination so far!

Keep yourself busy... try not to allow yourself to dwell! I know it will be tough... but you have us all behind you! ;)
Never think you're alone!

x
 
Thanks, all of you. Feeling a bit brighter this evening.

BP ok, no worse than last time so that's good...she weighed me and according to her scales I have now lost 28kg since June...and she said that today, more than ever before, she can really see such a difference in me. So that was great.

I also told her how I was feeling and cried and then we talked about that for a little while... she is a lovely person. I'm very fortunate to have her as my nurse. We talked about tomorrow and I told her what Cah-Ching had said about making tomorrow a positive.. she agreed wholeheartedly and said if it was a day filled with tears then " the ba$tard has won again!". She actually said... "F**k him!, Don't let him do that to you any more!".. "look at how much you have achieved..." etc etc... (wonder if she's related to Cah-Ching?).. lol

I went and queued up in the Post Office afterwards for over half an hour... then posted all my Christmas cards... and got a special one each for the girls and my mum & stepdad.

Posted all my work mail and also collected Zoe's parcel.. then it was off to the hardware shop and get Jasper(cat) some food...and then home.

Very quick tidy up in kitchen (I can't remember leaving it so tidy this morning?) and a mug of cheese & brocolli soup and 2 pints of water.. and then came online and spent ages chatting to Sarah via msn. We discussed Christmas.. and her coming home.. and I told her that I won't be buying loads of Christmas crap food this year so if she wants any she will have to buy her own and keep it in her room. She was great and said she understood and no problem!

I've just told Zoe the same thing and she is absolutely fine with it too..

Very surprised to get a call from Eric for over half an hour.. he is worried about his ex moving away with the children in another 18 months.. she is selling their ex-marital home in January and plans to move in the summer of 2008, he thinks she will move some distance away.. I tried to reassure him, but she is like my ex... cannot be trusted (both did the same deed)... so he has no idea what her plans really are. I think he just needed a sounding board.. still.. when he asked how I was I told him..

I also told him that one of the reasons I am doing this is because I want to do all I can to be around to see my girls grown and settled down... I then told him about how selfish I felt my father was to not look after himself better.. or he would probably have still been around now! I know there is no way I could ever know that for sure.. but I am sure that he would have lived a lot longer if he had lost weigh, looked after his diet (he was a self-injecting insulin dependant diabetic), stopped boozing and smoking... and I said that it's all well and good saying you should live life to suit yourself, but that I believe you can do that AND be responsible to those you love and who love you.. that it is all about balance... and that if my father hadn't been so selfish that he would have walked me up the aisle, seen my neice born, probably have seen my girls too and my nephews too.. the fact is, he chose to carry on living as he always did. I know he loved his life, but I really believe he thought he was immortal. So we talked about how being a parent changes your perspectives on things and how important it is to look after yourself for the sake of your kids too.

I don't think he understood too much really as he kept saying, yes, BUT... you still have to live your life to suit yourself. I just said that yes, but not at the expense of your children.. and that yes, my dad had a brilliant time in his life but that me and my mum and my sister had to live with the consequences of his choices and that was selfish.

It was quite a serious chat really and then we talked about his son playing rugby.. and his daughters visiting him tonight.. and again how much work he has on at the moment.. and about our ex's. About his kids.. about mine.. what we still didn't do is confirm things for the 23rd.. but I might be too tired anyway.. and the 29th is going to be mad too... hmm...

Anyway.. I need to go and get on with this spare room now so I can go to bed early. I did send my boss an email saying I want to take tomorrow off as a days holiday..but I think I will go in after all.. just bite the bullet, get my head down and get on with it. Am going to try not to get upset.. but as Anne (nurse) said today.. there is no time limit for pain.. we were together a long time so it's little wonder I am still hurting.

*sigh

I have managed to stick to diet. I hated the new soup, I loved it last time., but it was a struggle this time so won't be ordering any of that from Ailsa tomorrow. Might text her later with my list so it's all done.. I have the gas board coming tomorrow to change my meter! So have to be home for 5!

Not due at her until 3.45 so it'll be tight time wise.. so if I text her tonight then it will be a quick weigh in and the do the offski, which isn't ideal, but this once it will be ok I guess.

My TOTM is still going and that's weird.. been almost a week now and definitely heavier than normal.. maybe that isn't helping my energy levels either.. who knows.

Thanks again for the messages and encouragement.. it makes me cry but its good tears.. and the pm's have been incredibly moving and spot on. Thank you girls.

Will maybe be on tomorrow. NOT breaking this diet because of ANY man! No matter who! Grrrr..

Just been listening to Radio 2 and Chris Evans says that the average person has 8,500 calories on Christmas Day alone!!!!! I can't believe it!! That's about 20 days worth of CD!!!!! So, NOT going down that route..

Right.. tired now and must do this room! Night all xxxx
 
Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Tomorrow would be my dad's birthday and Catherine said that this will be the first time for years (he died in March 1988) that my mam and dad will be together for the bday.

Irene xx
 
IreneH said:
Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Tomorrow would be my dad's birthday and Catherine said that this will be the first time for years (he died in March 1988) that my mam and dad will be together for the bday.

Irene xx
Click to expand...
Bless you Irene, you are such a love. How insightful of Catherine too... just imagine your mum and dad having a birthday celebration together.. what a lovely image. :)
 
Tuesday 12th December

Well, I'm at work.

Last night Zoe and I did get most of the stuff back up in the loft from the spare room and all I need to do is a quick vac, polish and make the bed and that's that job done.

Today, as you know, is a date I've been dreading. BUT, I didn't take the day off, I am here in the office and have been since 8am. I have done SOME work but admit I'm not too clear in my thinking so perhaps an ideal time to catch up on some filing!

My boss rang me and we agreed to have our chat tomorrow. It will be ok then.

Also, the nurse said yesterday that I have got the referral to the gym and she is going to call me when I have to go and collect the form. So I am very pleased about that and will hopefully be going to join the gym tonight once the Gas Board have been to change the meter!

After work I am going home and will maybe sit and read my book for a little while and then make a start on Sarah's rooms. I may make her bed and put some airfreshner in her room (I bought some plug in ones and they really smell lovely!)... and I need to find all her set lists that she has collected over the years as I have bought frames for them as a Christmas present for her.

The little front room (her study/sitting room) also doubles up as another spare single bedroom and I need to make it habitable for the surprise gig! If I don't then I'm going to have major problems when Terry & Piet come to play! (There may be a recording MD coming too who needs a bed!).

I need to buy Christmas food too - perhaps Iceland might see me for once! Although it is a tiny store so probably just go to Asda instead (it's so close to work).. in fact, I might do that straight after work today.. whilst the kids are all still in school it's much nicer doing the shopping! Might write my list now.. lol

I haven't cried today and really don't want to. I watched half of the film Analyze That last night and then fell asleep during the news, so if anyone watched it can they please tell me how it ended!?

Woke up very early this morning - but feeling ok. Not as I dreaded. Got a lovely text from my mate with the complicated love life.. and, despite being frozen solid (my hands especially) I'm still 100% on this flippin' diet.

I dreamt about the wedding last night - the one I am going to in January. It was a good dream. I am looking forward to it very much. Not quite sure how I will tell Eric about it, but will definitely call the hotel later today and try to change the room booking to twin rooms. Will simply let Simon know if I suceed.

As for the pub quiz man, I am going to do nothing on that front at all and just see what happens. I love the quiz night and don't want to risk spoiling that. It will be a nice feeling to see him on Christmas eve though (the next time I'll be at the quiz) and I was wondering how it would be if I were to give him a small gift... will probably take it with me and then see on the night whether it feels right to give it or not. As we (the church) are going around the pubs on the 21st carol singing, I think we might bump into him then too... that will be nice.

I had a chat with Sarah again last night and we agreed that we will be thinking of one another today. I am so lucky with my girls.

Right - I'd better get on with some work. Spent too long on here already!

Weigh in at 4 today with Ailsa.. will let you know how that goes. I really hope it's good news as another week of feeling disappointed will NOT be good!

So.. work, then Asda, then home, then Ailsa's, then maybe collect Zoe from College and rush home for 5! THEN, either start on Sarah's rooms or wrap Christmas presents..probably do what I did last night and say that I will spend just 1 hour on the room then do the better job of prezzie wrapping.. that way I know that it is a limited "pain" zone.. lol

I love wrapping presents.. and now the spare room is clear I can put the wrapped presents on the bed! (they'll all be long gone by the time the gig happens). So that's a bit of a bonus!

Hope you are all having a good day. Thanks for being there, silent and communicative alike xx
 
cah-ching said:
· Think about how you've grown as a person since he left,
· Think about the steps you've made in your life
· Think about the weight you've lost and how gorgeous you are .....
· Think about the resilience and bravery you've demonstrated in the face of adversity and uncertainty

What I would love you to do is celebrate the four points I’m mentioned above on Tuesday (the two year anniversary of him leaving); turn a negative into a positive; your melancholy into celebration.
Click to expand...

Taking this on board my friend :)
 
Well, I have hotfooted it home from Ailsa's (via the shop for leccy and gas, and cooked Zoe's dinner, and caught up with other's threads..) and I've updated my ticker..

My weigh in showed a loss this week of 9.6lbs!!!!

9.6lbs!!!! I'm so shocked...:eek:
 
Let me be the first to congratulate you sweetheart!

I reckon they'll be a few folks saying I told you so - and they'd be right!

WELL DONE (((hugs)))

G x
 
wwwwwwwwooooooohhhhhhhhhhoooooooo

YOU GO GIRL, 9.6LBS, THATS FAB FAB FAB
 
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