Oh Jenny, just catching up with your diary for the first time in a long time... Im not a regular visitor to minis any more as I am on the WLS side. Just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you are all going through. Thinking of you. You were my inspiration when i was on CD a few years ago.
Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary
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FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
So – Sunday continued… the visitors began to arrive… her friends of over 30 years were first to arrive and spent the longest time with her.. they have known me since my teenage years and I adore them… it was so sad to see them upset as they left… they were very brave in front of mum but when they saw us as they left the tears began… with every visitor sis, daughter and I made ourselves scarce… if ever there were a need for privacy, this was it.. they left and then one of her step-grandsons arrived and I prepared him for a shock as he hasn’t seen mum for some time. Bless him, he was moving house that day and when he had rung to say he was coming to see her I told him to do so sooner rather than later as she was going to be too sleepy soon. He came almost immediately and they had a very very moving time together. Love him, he laid across her crying and she comforted him.. he is in his 30s but she discovered some years ago that his mother was being very cruel to him and she loved him and protected him.. and they have a special bond. He left and then some of my estranged step-family arrived – it was SO good to see them, I haven’t seen them since my darling stepdads funeral 2 years ago (he passed away on Nov 14th 2009) and it was so good to see them. They sat for ages with mum but we did have a giggle and got some photos out and shared some happier times.. I promised mum I would scan all her photos and make cds for every grandchild for her (she has 10 in total!) ,,. And that pleased her greatly. She was shattered but coping when her best friend arrived.. then she got very tired.. we left them to say their goodbyes too.. it is so so sad to see such pain in so many lovely people.
Once the visitors left my daughter needed to get to the station to go home to Liverpool.. so she said her goodbyes to her Nana… it was heartwrenching to see the state she was in as she left… my poor darling girl was hurting so deeply and I could do nothing to make it any better.. I made a call and had mums wheelchair picked up along with some other stuff as I wanted to start clearing the house of all the medical paraphernalia (sp).. and made a start. Sis came back and we had a cry and got her stuff upstairs in mums bedroom.. *sigh*… mum was exhausted… sis and I settled her for the night and then went upstairs where we talked into the early hours.. we cleared up a whole host of stuff – and it transpired that an awful lot was due to really poor communication.. what a surprise! Lol
We sat up ‘til about 3am eating giant toblerones, crying and generally trying to get to grips with it all… checked on mum several times and she was comfy and sleeping… so Sunday turned into Monday…
Once the visitors left my daughter needed to get to the station to go home to Liverpool.. so she said her goodbyes to her Nana… it was heartwrenching to see the state she was in as she left… my poor darling girl was hurting so deeply and I could do nothing to make it any better.. I made a call and had mums wheelchair picked up along with some other stuff as I wanted to start clearing the house of all the medical paraphernalia (sp).. and made a start. Sis came back and we had a cry and got her stuff upstairs in mums bedroom.. *sigh*… mum was exhausted… sis and I settled her for the night and then went upstairs where we talked into the early hours.. we cleared up a whole host of stuff – and it transpired that an awful lot was due to really poor communication.. what a surprise! Lol
We sat up ‘til about 3am eating giant toblerones, crying and generally trying to get to grips with it all… checked on mum several times and she was comfy and sleeping… so Sunday turned into Monday…
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Monday mornings are historically crap anyway but oh boy, this one has to go down as the crappiest ever! Mum woke early and fancied some melon! So, I gave her a slice to suck on as she cannot chew.. she loved it! So much so that she had another slice later she had a funny look on her face and I asked her what she was thinking… and she said she hoped there would be plenty of melon in heaven waiting for her.
Oh, I forgot to say, her last visitor of the evening on Sunday was the lovely N who used to work for mum in her previous house with stepdad, and who cared for stepdad when he got ill with dementia… it was fantastic to see him, and he really made mum laugh and me and sis too… and mum! He was a great way to round off a tiring day.
Right – back to Monday and melon… well, she really loved it but said she couldn’t eat more so maybe later.. then her wonderful friends began to arrive for their final farewells too.. there were 4 of them in the course of about 4 hours and mum saw them all long enough (and in private) to say all the things she needed to. It was humbling, and I went in and sat with her after they left and said I thought she was amazing and so giving… when she was facing what she was facing to give of herself to her friends was the most generous gift she could give them.. she started to cry and said it was extremely hard… I hugged her and cried with her.. my poor lovely mum’s heart was in bits as she had to say goodbye to all she loved.. the nurse arrived and we gave mum a good wash and changed her bedding and nightie and then settled her down. We were joking and laughing … and I put her favourite dvd on “Mamma Mia” and the 3 of us – mum, me and sis – sat and watched and sang along to the whole thing… it was so so special and she really enjoyed it. She then had the midazalam in her syringe driver and we knew this truly was the beginning of the end.. and that once it kicked in we would never be able to really talk with her again.. touch time. So, whilst it was working its way into her system we started the Sunday crossword puzzle and I said to her “ you better not die while we’re doing this or folks will say I bored you to death!” and we all laughed.
We soon gave up on the crossword puzzle as we realised we were collectively absolute crap at geography, politics and history… so I asked if she would like me to read to her… I had got the book of Sonnets that she gave my stepdad on their wedding day.. so she said yes please, read that.. so I did… sort of! If you have ever tried reading Shakespeare you will understand! It ain’t flippin easy… would’st, thou.. etc etc… so I found myself getting all tonguetied and telling mum I would perhaps but a Jennie interpretation of the words… lol She was getting drowsy and just smiled… sis went out to get something and mum looked me in the eye and said “Am I dying Jennie?” “Yes mum, you are”, “Oh, good”… then she said “Will it be soon?” and I replied “Yes mum, it will be soon”… “Oh I AM glad” she said and smiled at me… If someone had shoved a red hot poker into my chest and twisted it it couldn’t have hurt any more.. so so hard. I told her to be sure to give Edward (my stepdad) a great big hug and lots of love for me when she got there. She promised me she would.
The drugs took hold and she then slept solidly for 16 hours.. the tumour has filled her stomach now too and she looks pregnant.. being so knocked out meant it was time to say no more visitors… and we agreed that’s the line we would take now. Oh… before she drifted off to sleep I had been playing her the cds my neice got her for Christmas.. Placido Domingo.. and she had chosen a cd.. and she wants one of the tracks for her exit music at the crem committal… she wants “Spanish Eyes” because she and stepdad loved it so much and danced to it often.. so.. another promise made.. and she went to sleep listening to placido giving it his best shot at ballads… I settled down on the sofa – I had decided following the events of Saturday night that I was not going to leave her side unless I had to…
Oh, I forgot to say, her last visitor of the evening on Sunday was the lovely N who used to work for mum in her previous house with stepdad, and who cared for stepdad when he got ill with dementia… it was fantastic to see him, and he really made mum laugh and me and sis too… and mum! He was a great way to round off a tiring day.
Right – back to Monday and melon… well, she really loved it but said she couldn’t eat more so maybe later.. then her wonderful friends began to arrive for their final farewells too.. there were 4 of them in the course of about 4 hours and mum saw them all long enough (and in private) to say all the things she needed to. It was humbling, and I went in and sat with her after they left and said I thought she was amazing and so giving… when she was facing what she was facing to give of herself to her friends was the most generous gift she could give them.. she started to cry and said it was extremely hard… I hugged her and cried with her.. my poor lovely mum’s heart was in bits as she had to say goodbye to all she loved.. the nurse arrived and we gave mum a good wash and changed her bedding and nightie and then settled her down. We were joking and laughing … and I put her favourite dvd on “Mamma Mia” and the 3 of us – mum, me and sis – sat and watched and sang along to the whole thing… it was so so special and she really enjoyed it. She then had the midazalam in her syringe driver and we knew this truly was the beginning of the end.. and that once it kicked in we would never be able to really talk with her again.. touch time. So, whilst it was working its way into her system we started the Sunday crossword puzzle and I said to her “ you better not die while we’re doing this or folks will say I bored you to death!” and we all laughed.
We soon gave up on the crossword puzzle as we realised we were collectively absolute crap at geography, politics and history… so I asked if she would like me to read to her… I had got the book of Sonnets that she gave my stepdad on their wedding day.. so she said yes please, read that.. so I did… sort of! If you have ever tried reading Shakespeare you will understand! It ain’t flippin easy… would’st, thou.. etc etc… so I found myself getting all tonguetied and telling mum I would perhaps but a Jennie interpretation of the words… lol She was getting drowsy and just smiled… sis went out to get something and mum looked me in the eye and said “Am I dying Jennie?” “Yes mum, you are”, “Oh, good”… then she said “Will it be soon?” and I replied “Yes mum, it will be soon”… “Oh I AM glad” she said and smiled at me… If someone had shoved a red hot poker into my chest and twisted it it couldn’t have hurt any more.. so so hard. I told her to be sure to give Edward (my stepdad) a great big hug and lots of love for me when she got there. She promised me she would.
The drugs took hold and she then slept solidly for 16 hours.. the tumour has filled her stomach now too and she looks pregnant.. being so knocked out meant it was time to say no more visitors… and we agreed that’s the line we would take now. Oh… before she drifted off to sleep I had been playing her the cds my neice got her for Christmas.. Placido Domingo.. and she had chosen a cd.. and she wants one of the tracks for her exit music at the crem committal… she wants “Spanish Eyes” because she and stepdad loved it so much and danced to it often.. so.. another promise made.. and she went to sleep listening to placido giving it his best shot at ballads… I settled down on the sofa – I had decided following the events of Saturday night that I was not going to leave her side unless I had to…
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Disaster in the middle of the night/early hours of Tuesday! Her pump driver alarm went off and it stopped working!! I rang the nurses and they came straight out and fixed it.. I was so upset at the thought of mum being in pain.. but they explained that she still had plenty of drugs in her system to keep her pain free and relaxed.. I want to believe them but I still wonder if mum is in any pain.. and if she knows what is going on with her.. I had little sleep that night.. and that seems to have become the norm now..
Tuesday dawned regardless of my lack of sleep and mums pain levels.. sis was sleeping upstairs and managed to get a few hours but not many.. so we were both shattered.. we discovered that I won’t leave mums side and she cant abide being stuck in the house – which actually works really well as I get to stay with mum and look after her physical needs and sis gets to do all the running around picking stuff up things that get her out of the house… turns out that being opposites is working very well right now! Lol I love it! I get every moment possible with mum! I washed her and her hands were very floppy and I got upset.. so when the nurse came later I told her I didn’t feel I could cope with washing mum again… so she said they would get carers in for me… so I refused and said if that was the deal then I would do it.. end of! No way I am getting in carers at this stage – new faces and voices might distress mum! Nope.. I just said I would have to get on with it! Lol So, the nurse said she would try and see if she could get a colleague to come with her to do mums personal care the next day for us… I was relieved! I massaged the very last of the cream I bought in Cornwall for her into her hands and a little bit under her nose so she could smell it…
I put the telly on but mum seemed to get agitated so I put some music on again and she settled down again… sis rang the nurses about mums increased agitation and anxiety and they came out and gave her some drugs to help. Mum now barely audible when she tried to speak – very difficult for her to communicate.. my darling mum, chatterbox, giggler and stroppy mare.. just about silenced! Not right!
Tuesday dawned regardless of my lack of sleep and mums pain levels.. sis was sleeping upstairs and managed to get a few hours but not many.. so we were both shattered.. we discovered that I won’t leave mums side and she cant abide being stuck in the house – which actually works really well as I get to stay with mum and look after her physical needs and sis gets to do all the running around picking stuff up things that get her out of the house… turns out that being opposites is working very well right now! Lol I love it! I get every moment possible with mum! I washed her and her hands were very floppy and I got upset.. so when the nurse came later I told her I didn’t feel I could cope with washing mum again… so she said they would get carers in for me… so I refused and said if that was the deal then I would do it.. end of! No way I am getting in carers at this stage – new faces and voices might distress mum! Nope.. I just said I would have to get on with it! Lol So, the nurse said she would try and see if she could get a colleague to come with her to do mums personal care the next day for us… I was relieved! I massaged the very last of the cream I bought in Cornwall for her into her hands and a little bit under her nose so she could smell it…
I put the telly on but mum seemed to get agitated so I put some music on again and she settled down again… sis rang the nurses about mums increased agitation and anxiety and they came out and gave her some drugs to help. Mum now barely audible when she tried to speak – very difficult for her to communicate.. my darling mum, chatterbox, giggler and stroppy mare.. just about silenced! Not right!
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Later on sis went out to fetch more meds and I dashed up to loo, and the phone rang! I could hear mum making this horrendous noise in an attempt to let me know… it was a piteous sound and I felt so bad.. I had simply forgotten to pick the phone up on way to the loo! It was one of her friends and I apologised and said I was really sorry but mum wasn’t well enough to see any visitors now… to be honest I am using all my energy just looking after mum and keeping myself going without more visitors who will not be able to talk to mum.. and mum would hate them seeing her in this state too… we all knew that when the midazalam was given that this was the end of the lovely long conversations.. I did though pass on her friend’s message and made sure she knew mum had heard me as she did acknowledge it with a smile. Sis arrived back with meds just as nurse arrived. The nurse was lovely and mum seemed to rally a bit and asked me if I would read the sonnets to her.. so I did… I read until emotions overtook me and my voice began to be broken, so, to hide it, I suggested we put on one of her cds instead… she nodded and so Placido’s dulcet tones wafted around the house for a couple of hours… we had just got mum all settled when the nurse wanted to change the catheter bag so I said no, please leave it until tomorrow – she’s had enough today , and the did! I have to say, the nurses have all been amazingly kind to both mum and to us. A short time later mum’s Dr arrived to see her on an unexpected drop in… he was shocked. He is a really nice chap and during our conversation I asked how long and he said not long.. I told him, to me, not long means an hour… or at most, a day… so I put him on the spot and he said it would probably be by the weekend.. I can’t believe she is still with us now, let alone that far off too! He was very kind and organised my prescription to be filled as I cannot go home for my tablets… he was brilliant! My left eye then started playing silly beggars and twitching.. it’s a stress thing… and mums chiropodist turned up and she didn’t come into the living room proper, she waved from the doorway.. she was so shocked. She has known mum for over 20 years. I was getting really tired and sis said she wanted her fella here.. I said no and a big row ensued… I told her that it was NOT right to have a non-family male in the house right now. This is a time for mum to be with us and vice versa… and that he is NOT family… and so,no.. she spat her dummy out and stropped off,… I just simply went back to sit with mum.. I burnt my dinner too, lol but I still ate it. We agreed that we MUST eat and drink well to keep our energy levels up! We then (me and sis) had another tetchy session when her daughter announced that she wanted to read a poem she had written at her nana’s funeral… I said no. LOADS of reasons.. no time to say right now, but trust me… it ain’t gonna happen! Lol Before I knew it, night was once again day and a stunning sunrise appeared.
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Placido Domingo serenaded mum into Wednesday (yesterday) and when he had finished I put on the Mamma Mia soundtrack album... opened the curtains, told mum what the weather was up to and the birds on the feeder (although not sure what they were!)... straightened her bed up and washed her hands and face and used a little "foam lolly" to moisten her mouth.. she cannot eat or drink now.. I read her book to her and then some bible passages too. I told her how much we love her and want her to go now and be at peace and that she doesn't need to worry about us.. we'll be fine and so will our kids.. I told her what a wonderful mother she was.. andis.. and always will be. How it's time for her to go and be with Edward again.. sis went shopping - thank goodness.. it really is working well this system... she goes and gets everything in and I stay with mum and clean... I am loving it as it means I get every single second I can with mum.
The nurses came and, when they rolled mum to wash her and change her sheets and pad mum was moaning and crying out in great pain.. it was so so distressing for her, them and me! I held her hand and tried to comfort her,, but she was begging them to let her back on her back.. her body has been totally overtaken by this damn cancer… it’s just horrific. They gave her a whole heap more morphine and midazalam and she was soon clean, settled and sleeping again.. it cut me to the core to realise that I was never going to be able to wash her fully again, I could NEVER inflict such pain on her. Instead I massage her hands and keep her mouth fresh with swabs,, and wash her face. I played every cd she has and then sat talking to her and touching her hands and face and stroking her arm… I broke down and buried my head in the bed.. I can’t bear this for much longer. My poor mum is waiting to die.. and I am a spectator.. it is such a cruel time. Once I was happy she was actually settled I got on with some work for the office,.
Work done and emails sent and I settled down for some sleep on the sofa – which is unbelievably comfy now! Sis cooked dinner and I said, if she cooks I will clean and that is working really well! She made a scrummy chicken kiev with jacket potato and peas and it was JUST what I needed! We are getting on ok… a few moments but then, we are both very tired.. and sis really cannot cope seeing mum so dependant and unmoving.. mum now in a coma. It then hit me. I will never again hear my mother say my name… or talk on the phone.. or anything.. and it was like being hit by a Tsunami of sorrow… it floored me.. and I completely broke down… Even poor Charlie cannot cope at times… he was very unsettled yesterday all day..
Well, day dragged its heels reluctantly into the night and, sis up in bed, dog laying under mums bed and me thinking it must be sleep time! Mum suddenly takes another turn for the worse and I remember my promise to her… so I ring her local vicar… she came straight around.. there followed 12 stressful hours basically anticipating mums death and being shocked that she is still with us! By this morning (Thursday) I had been awake since 4am the PREVIOUS day… I was very very weary and emotionally - well – you can guess!!
The nurses came and, when they rolled mum to wash her and change her sheets and pad mum was moaning and crying out in great pain.. it was so so distressing for her, them and me! I held her hand and tried to comfort her,, but she was begging them to let her back on her back.. her body has been totally overtaken by this damn cancer… it’s just horrific. They gave her a whole heap more morphine and midazalam and she was soon clean, settled and sleeping again.. it cut me to the core to realise that I was never going to be able to wash her fully again, I could NEVER inflict such pain on her. Instead I massage her hands and keep her mouth fresh with swabs,, and wash her face. I played every cd she has and then sat talking to her and touching her hands and face and stroking her arm… I broke down and buried my head in the bed.. I can’t bear this for much longer. My poor mum is waiting to die.. and I am a spectator.. it is such a cruel time. Once I was happy she was actually settled I got on with some work for the office,.
Work done and emails sent and I settled down for some sleep on the sofa – which is unbelievably comfy now! Sis cooked dinner and I said, if she cooks I will clean and that is working really well! She made a scrummy chicken kiev with jacket potato and peas and it was JUST what I needed! We are getting on ok… a few moments but then, we are both very tired.. and sis really cannot cope seeing mum so dependant and unmoving.. mum now in a coma. It then hit me. I will never again hear my mother say my name… or talk on the phone.. or anything.. and it was like being hit by a Tsunami of sorrow… it floored me.. and I completely broke down… Even poor Charlie cannot cope at times… he was very unsettled yesterday all day..
Well, day dragged its heels reluctantly into the night and, sis up in bed, dog laying under mums bed and me thinking it must be sleep time! Mum suddenly takes another turn for the worse and I remember my promise to her… so I ring her local vicar… she came straight around.. there followed 12 stressful hours basically anticipating mums death and being shocked that she is still with us! By this morning (Thursday) I had been awake since 4am the PREVIOUS day… I was very very weary and emotionally - well – you can guess!!
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Here we are, Thursday evening and mum is doing a very convincing impersonation of a set of coffee percolators! I have to joke as it is too terrible to do otherwise.. the vicar had sat with us all night and bless her, said she will come back if I need her to. Sis is not able to bear seeing and hearing mum much at all now… I understand that … it is very distressing… and now there is goo coming out of her nostrils and I am keeping her as clean as I can… I have swabbed her mouth and put a little Vaseline on her lips too as they are so dry now – she has had no food or drink for days now. She as no responses to stimuli except when they rolled her to wash her today she yelled and cried in pain again – poor sis was in the house and she fell apart… she said yesterday that she just couldn’t bear it any more.. it was too too much for her.. so I told her not to worry… I will call her if anything happened..
So… it’s now 10pm and mum is expected to die within the next 24 hours… I sooo hope she does now… this is too awful.. and I wouldn’t treat a dog this way.. Charlie is laying on the floor looking up at mum … he is very unsettled love him..
Sis did more stuff out and about today and it really does work – she gets all the morphine we need for mum, does food shopping and cooks! I get to stay with mum, care for her and eat sis’s wonderful dinners in return for loading a dishwasher! Lol Good deal for me.
I think its going to be soon so am going to sign off now and sit and read the sonnets to mum.. I love my mother so much and I know she loves me. I shall miss her.
So… it’s now 10pm and mum is expected to die within the next 24 hours… I sooo hope she does now… this is too awful.. and I wouldn’t treat a dog this way.. Charlie is laying on the floor looking up at mum … he is very unsettled love him..
Sis did more stuff out and about today and it really does work – she gets all the morphine we need for mum, does food shopping and cooks! I get to stay with mum, care for her and eat sis’s wonderful dinners in return for loading a dishwasher! Lol Good deal for me.
I think its going to be soon so am going to sign off now and sit and read the sonnets to mum.. I love my mother so much and I know she loves me. I shall miss her.
Summerskye
Gold Member
God bless you Jennie and your sister too. I know I'm not the only one to be in tears reading your posts and so many of us are thinking of you tonight and in the coming days.
I believe that love transcends earthly ties. Your mum will be reunited with your wonderful stepdad soon and her smile will return again.
With love xxx
I believe that love transcends earthly ties. Your mum will be reunited with your wonderful stepdad soon and her smile will return again.
With love xxx
HopeSprings
Gold Member
We're all with you in spirit..... peace is on it's way.... your bedside vigil will soon be over now..... bless you all xxx
Oh Jennie.. I wish your beautiful mama a peaceful trip onto the next.. I understand that pain in your chest.. deep physical pain, and i just hope you can look at how amazing you are and smile.. You're such a credit to your mama and I bet she's so unbelieveably proud of you..
Love you xxxxx
Love you xxxxx
