Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary

[Summerskye]

I can't even find the words to express how deeply your diary touches me. I just wish I could.

I still have that card you gave me so long ago on my bookshelf and it means so much to me. If love and positive vibes are felt across the ether you must know how much support you have from all of us here.

God bless xxx

 

[pandora]

I have no words , just wish I could give a great hug & make it all better but obviously I can't .
Love to you both xxxxx

 

[mommyB]

I read regularly but dont often post. I lost my own mum earleir this year and can so identify with some of what you're going thru and feeling. I can only send love and prayers to all of you, like many people I dont have any words but wanted to say something.

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

where has the day gone? It is a blur of nurses and bedbaths and phone calls and visitors...

To try and make sense of it.. I promised mum a really good wash so, that's what I gave her.. several bowls of hot bubbly water and a lot of urgh-ing and shunting, bless her, and I had her clean from top to toe, bed remade whilst she sat on the commode - amazing how fast you can strip and remake a bed when you have to! lol

Bedding in washing machine and mum now officially in "combat" mode.. lol.. she would kill me for saying that... lol ... anyhoo... got her smelling more like mum and less like an old grey-faced, cold skinned cancer ridden woman... it was good and it was a very close experience for us both I think. I chatted and joked as I washed her more intimate bits and made sure she was all dried off and then I put cream all over her legs and feet and tummy as her skin is getting very dry - not surprising as she is barely drinking and not eating...

When her friend arrived earlier (sorry to jump about)... I shot out to the market and got some more bowls (in case of more vomiting) and some kitchen towels (same reason)... then filled the car up and came back... her friend was lovely and they had a very private conversation and mum ended it by saying she might not see her friend again... I have to say... hearing your mum saying her goodbyes to her friends... now THAT .. IS tough to deal with...

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

I had just finished washing mum when the hospice nurse arrived to sort out her pump driver... then the district nurse arrived with her sidekick.. both nurses (somewhat confusedly) are called Jackie! lol (same as mum's visitor in the morning too!!)... anyway - I cleared away the towels and bowls etc having helped mum brush her teeth.. and let the nurse do her stuff... they talked to mum about having a catheter and how it isn't an irreversible thing.. and if she wanted it out then no problem but as she was in enormous pain getting on and off the commode, and her legs have no strength in them at all now so it's really hard work to move her around...

Once the nurses had done her pump driver, catheterised mum., talked to her and then sat with me and sis in the garden.. finally the house became fairly quiet again and sis and i went upstairs for a chat... not good...

We have agreed to disagree on a pretty major point.. sis wants her boyfriend to come and stay and I have said no.. it's not appropriate when mum is at this stage, he is not her son, he is not my sisters husband.. so no.. I do not want him staying whilst mum dies.. end of.

I may be wrong but to be honest this is such an intimate time and I do not want to have some man in the house whilst I tend my mother in my nightwear.. nor do I want to be made to feel odd man out if you like as they will kind of "gang up" on me.. he has no right to be here.. and it is not our house... and, when the time comes I certainly do NOT want to see him here...

Sis was very angry and told me that, were they married I would have no say, I begged to differ and said it wouldn't make any difference.. he is NOT her son and that is that. I wouldn't mind but the man may be engaged to my sis but she has already told me they wont marry so to my mind he is just a boyfriend who owns my mothers car and takes the pi$$ !! I just feel it is so very wrong.. if he wants to support my sis then book into a local hotel with her and she can go to him at night etc.. but no, he is NOT spending the night in this house whilst I am here watching my mother deteriorating..

She has gone out now and left me with mum whilst she goes around all mum's friends and lets them know the situation... I was permitted to ring a couple and advise to visit sooner rather than later so we have a diary of potential visitors planned now.. I am, however, going to check with mum on every one of them.. I think she would let them all come though as she will be thinking of them and their feelings... me? I couldn't give a flying fig about any of them - I just care about my mum. I am so flippin tired it's just not even funny!

Thankfully the nurses are going to come in and help with mums personal care now and we have agreed to take care of all that when they come in each day to do the pump. The local chemist has no morphine and so we're struggling to get the stuff she needs for tomorrow but we shall get it.. one way or another.. there is NO WAY my mum is going to be in any pain!!

Her best friend Pam called this morning and it broke her heart when she saw the change in mum... another one, H, rang just now and I told her what was happening and she was stunned as she was here at the WI meeting this time last week..

Mums lovely friend Nora died 2 years ago and her hubby is coming over from Dublin tonight and will be here in the morning to see mum.. everyone is being so so wonderful.

All are offering help, but there is nothing they can do.. not now..

I've brought my laptop downstairs and am keeping the dog company watching mum... might sleep down here tonight.. will see... but oh boy my eyes hurt..

I have bike club stuff to sort out too.. but they know .. and work knows and are not expecting me back until "whenever"...

I can't believe my mum won't be here for my birthday next month... I told her I thought Edward (my late stepdad) was watching over her and she said "Oh I KNOW he is.. he's calling me... he's saying "come on Babs... hurry up, I'm waiting"... made me cry loads that did...but not in front of mum... it's so lovely.. and I know it is probably true too..

With sis out, it's just mum, me, Charlie and Classic FM... oh and the drone of the tumble dryer as it sorts out the bedding etc ready to be ironed and put back on tomorrow...

I scoffed a huge bag of onion rings earlier.. I didn't even taste them... feel yuk.. oh, and did I mention... I AM KNACKERED!!! lol lol

PLUS... trying to be quiet is a REAL challenge for me... lol... I even type noisily! lol Still... so far Paganini and Bach et al are covering my clumsiness!

Pray for peace if you pray at all.. pray for swift passage from this life to a better one for my darling mum please... one full of love.. and laughter.. and dancing...

As for me.. I am praying for some sleep.. oh, and a giant chocolate eclair.. but that's a whole different story!

 

[IreneH]

Definately praying for peace for your mum.

Irene xx

 

[mommyB]

Your strength is incredible !! Like Irene I am praying for peace for her.

 

[RasberryRed]

We are all thinking of you!! Keep being strong for you and your mother. You are doing the right thing by her by keeping the visitors and the "squatters" restricted. x

 

[HopeSprings]

Dear Sweet Jennie, I wish your Mum's journey from this world to the next is peaceful and swift. I remember so clearly being in your position, looking for the signs that her time would soon come. My own Mum slipped away when no-one was there and I'm told that this often happens, it's the last act of kindness that they do for us..... sparing us witnessing their last breath.

!00% on the other side she's going to be welcomed with open arms, her pain will be gone and she'll be free to dance again.

Bless her soul xxx

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

well, mum is asleep at the moment and has been for about 2 hours now so I think I am going to risk taking some food upstairs and maybe lay down on the bed and see how long it is before she needs me... love her, she is still snoring, lol... although, as you can imagine, it's a different kind of snoring now...

Sis came back a different woman!! She has been lovely and we have agreed on every single thing discussed! I don't know what's been said to her but I don't care... it has worked and long may it last. She has gone home now and is coming back tomorrow lunchtime with our friends from Dublin. That's going to be emotional for sure! Before that I have to fetch my daughter from the train station at 10.30am... I need to get someone to sit with mum whilst I do that - I will begin to take people up on their offers of help now I think...

There's going to be such a lot to do and sort out soon.. and I am so so tired.. I don't know if I ought to go to bed or not.. but mum has her buzzer in her hand and I know she WILL buzz if she needs me.. and, now she won't be in pain from needing to wee perhaps she will sleep for a good solid few hours... I will keep coming down to check on her.. but I so need to close my eyes for a while.

I am so glad I stood firm about sis's fella... right.. time for me to maybe have some food - would love hot food but noise would disturb mum so - cheese and crackers for me! om nom nom... I like those! lol If mum wakes later I will cook a bag of 2 min rice and that will keep me going.. or some soup.. I have loads!

Thank you all for your prayers, love, support and kindness... these are tough times now.. and minimins is an absolute Godsend...

xxxxxxxxxx

 

[Minz]

My heart goes out to you and you are doing everything the way I would if I was in your situation.....think of your mum first and everyone else second. People naturally will want to see her but they'll understand if you say it's too much for her...... You are a wonderful daughter and I'm sure she knows how much you love her and it's clear she loves you too. You're sharing such close/special moments together that are so touching, I just wish they weren't so sad too. Sending you a massive hug, and my heartfelt wishes for a peaceful transition for her. Try and rest when you can. xxx

 

[Eclipse]

Just..... love you honey x

 

[HelenG]

Praying for peace for all of you sweetheart. May you continue to find strength and comfort in your faith.
:hug99:

 

[woodmouse]

'May the Lord be gentle with me when I reach the end'
those words I once read from the pen of a dying woman and they've always stayed with me - and I wish the same for your mum. xxx

 

[pandora]

I'm not religious , but I do believe something watches over us , so I shall ask they they allow your mum peace & serenity .
Bear in mind that as the time gets close your mum may need permission from you & sis to pass on .
Love as always xxxx

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

well, mum is asleep at the moment and has been for about 2 hours now so I think I am going to risk taking some food upstairs and maybe lay down on the bed and see how long it is before she needs me... love her, she is still snoring, lol... although, as you can imagine, it's a different kind of snoring now...

I had no sooner done this update, taken food upstairs than mum buzzed for me... she had slid down the bed and was in pain so I rang her neighbour and between us we managed to move mum into a better position where she got comfy enough to settle again.. her neighbour is SUCH a darling..


Mum thought it was the morning and she looked at me quizzically and said "you're dressed?" I laughed and said, um, yep, not gone to bed yet.. and she said ... but it's almost 8 o'clock .. and I said yeh, and? lol THEN the penny dropped... because she was so exhausted she had been asleep for hours and had heard them say on the radio that it was quarter to eight, and had assumed it was the morning.. we laughed about it.. but I could tell it upset her to be so disorientated...

Well, I took mums wakefulness as an opportunity to make myself some soup - butternut squash, and boy it was lush! Hot food for the first time since Weds night... and I really needed it. Having eaten my soup and made sure mum was settled I told her I just HAD to go up to bed as I was so tired, so, I checked .. did she want the fan on? duvet over her? drink? anything?? Nope... all good... so.. I kissed her goodnight and went back upstairs and get ready for bed.. brushed teeth and put jimmy palmers on... laid down... was on the verge of sleep and... ding dong, ding dong... mum rang... I shot downstairs and breezed in with a cheery "you rang modom".. (a la Hudson from Upstairs Downstairs) and she asked for the fan on and her duvet.. inside I laughed so hard.. so, love her, I did those things and then checked again if she had everything she needed... yes, definitely.. so, again, I gave her a kiss goodnight and went back upstairs... I was utterly whacked out.. I texted sis to say all was ok and mum was settled and that was it - bang - I was out cold.. sleeping the sleep of the emotionally and physically worn out.. I think an explosion wouldn't have even woken me! lol

This was about 10pm.... I woke at 4am... so began another hectic 24 hours.. and another day closer to my darling mum leaving this earthly plain...

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

So now it was Saturday morning... and although ridiculously early, I felt a lot better for the sleep.. I lay in bed trying to hear if there were any sounds from downstairs.. I sleep with door open so I can hear if mum drops buzzer and cannot yell..

I was nervous of coming down the stairs as there was an ominous silence.. until halfway down when the familiar and oddly comforting sound of her snoring reached my ears... I felt myself physically relax as I carried on down and into the living room to check on her.. she was out for the count.. so I tried really hard to be very quiet, used my torch to navigate around the kitchen as, had I put a light on she would have woken up. I am so glad I brought my little camping light/torch with me.. it works brilliantly and meant I could get a drink etc without disturbing mum. I sat in the room watching her for a couple of hours and then went back up to bed.. no chance of getting back to sleep, so, I decided that I probably could get away with a quick shower before she needed me to dash down... it was bliss!! I felt like I was washing the smell of cancer and impending death off my flesh.. I felt really revitalised by it and got dried and dressed, pottered about in the bedroom, and then came downstairs to check on mum again... bless him, Charlie had come up during the night and at one point had nudged me whilst I was in bed! lol I let him out, and then fed him too.. have you ever tried NOT to make a sound in a kitchen?? I think its the worst room to do anything in if you have someone in mums situation the other side of the wall - a wall which has a huge arched hole in it.. pretty but in these situations a nightmare! lol

Still... it was ok.. I stood and looked at mum through the archway.. she suddenly woke up and I grinned at her and said... NOW it IS morning.... we both laughed.. and she asked for a cup of tea.. this is when the day started proper!

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Made mum about half a cup of her usual green tea (blergh) and left it on her bedside cupboard (which had been brought downstairs for her)..and I tidied up the kitchen a bit... then, when her tea had cooled enough, she tried to drink it.. not good.. her hands were shaking and she couldn't find her mouth.. we joked about that too! lol I suggested she might like to use a straw and she said no, she would manage.. (wonder if that stubborn independent gene is inherited... lol ) so, napkin now tucked under her chin, I sat beside her as she struggled on.. I know she thought she had drunk loads, but actually she had barely 1/4 of it.. then she wanted to brush her teeth so I got everything ready for her and after struggling to hold the plastic beaker I suggested maybe I could get her a smaller one as these were really large wide ones and she only has little hands... in fact.. our hands are exactly the same size... and she asked if perhaps a plastic cup with a handle might be the way to go.. so we agreed I would nip out later on and get one... and we had the most bizarre conversation about where the camping shop was that she wanted me to go to.. I just made the right responses and, said I needed the loo, nipped upstairs and rang sis and asked if she could pick one up on her way over... also asked her to do some shopping at Tesco on her way too as mum had then said she didn't want me to leave her.. so.. I flushed the loo (sound effects only) and came back downstairs.. I then suggested mum might like to watch Miss Potter.. as i knew it was a lovely story, but also that the scenery in it was magnificent! So I put the dvd on for her.. my phone rang and it was my sis.. and when I sat down to watch the film mum was already cross as there were loads of adverts and she wanted me to fast forward over them.. which I couldn't do! So, she got her knickers in a right knot, lol, and then we both laughed at how complicated the telly was!

Film started and mum announced that she had just watched these bits already that day and how irritating it was... she hadn't seen them at all.. but she was having none of it - as far as mum was concerned , it WAS what she had just sat through and it was ridiculous! lol

We talked and then she looked at me and said "We have already had this conversation! Everything you are saying to me and everything I am seeing, I have heard and seen already.." and I made a reply and she said "and you said that before"... and I responded and she said " and that too - you said that too!" .. I hadn't.. and I could see she was visibly upset at this..

We carried on watching the film and the nanny said something the the children in it and I made a remark.. and mum almost leapt down my throat with a very cross "and you have said THAT before too!!!"
At this point she looked utterly confused.. and looked at me and said it was really weird as everything she was seeing and hearing she had seen and heard already that morning... and she knew this couldn't be right.. I pacified her and made light of it by saying perhaps it was a touch of deja vu.. and she said,.. "AND YOU SAID THAT BEFORE TOO"...so we kinda dropped the subject and I asked if she would like me to do her nails for her as the polish could do with removing and a fresh coat applying... she loved the idea and so that's what I did.. she smiled at me and said she may just go to sleep whilst I did her nails.,.. and I just encouraged her to do so.. I tried painting her nails but I am rubbish so suggested in the end that when my daughter comes that she could do it instead and she would do a FAR better job of it! lol mum was happy with that suggestion!

So, I made sure there was no polish left on her nails and I massaged her hands with the lavendar cream I had bought in Cornwall for her.. it's almost empty and I am so glad I got it as it has meant mums hands and feet are softer and better hydrated than they might be, plus they smell good too, and, trust me, at the moment, anything that helps hide the smell of cancer is a good thing!

She fell asleep and I got ready for my daughter's arrival - her train was delayed so she missed her connection but then got another one and the lovely neighbour went and collected her for me... I cannot tell you HOW wonderful it was to see her and how glad I am that she is still here at the moment... right.. need to sleep a bit now if I can.. mum is soundo again so I'm going to try and be the same! ... more to follow later..

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

... awake again... mum still sleeping relatively peacefully... 6.37am now.. so where was I?

Oh yes.. waiting for my daughter to arrive.. well she arrived and I was thrilled... we had a huge hug and then she came in to say hello to mum, who promptly said "you're doing my nails - varnish is on the table, come on , sit down.. " lol lol we both (DD - darling daughter) and I.. and she did! She did a fab job of mums nails and I got on with trying to straighten up things downstairs as the place looked pretty chaotic.. nurses had left bags of things here, it looked like a bomb had hit - just because I had been too tired to clear up and with all that's been happening everything had pretty much been left where it was dumped..

Then the hospice nurse arrived.. so I introduced her to mum and said I was going to take her outside and bring her up to speed - I hate talking about mum within her earshot.. its what they do at hospitals and I hate it.. so.. we sat outside, I cried buckets, my DD sat with mum, and the nurse listened as I gave her some background on mum and how she had deteriorated so rapidly since Thursday.. I asked her some pertinent questions like - what was the reason for mums stomach to be so distended (it's the body beginning to shut down)... what could we expect next (more of the same but they would put sedative in pump to reduce mums anxiety and twitching which is again a sign that death is pretty close)... she said she would show me how to wash mum more easily and she would need me to help her.. and of course I said that was no problem and it was me who welcomed very much their help as I had been doing it on my own... I then said I needed some time outside alone and she needed time alone with mum to get to know her a little and then we could make a start... so that's what happened..

I got the bowls and flannels ready and the towels and together we washed mum from top to toes.. and remade the bed... bless her, mum was so lovely.. she was in utter agony when she had to roll onto her side so that we could get the sheets under her.. her tumour is enormous now and her skin discoloured... her feet look smaller than ever and I know this is because she is dehydrating and her body is shrinking... I have seen enough death and dying people to see these signs.. and part of me wonders now if my sister will realise when she thought I was "pushing things forward" that actually, I was just being very realistic about timescales.. and maybe she will cut me some slack now.. more on that later though!

Mum finally washed and the bed remade under her and the nurse needed to concentrate on getting the meds for the pump prepped in peace so my DD and I set about tidying up and cleaning.. within about 15 minutes the bedroom/dining room looked exactly as a bedroom should - we dismantled the commode and took that upstairs, we took all the toiletries and towels and dirty bedding away, moved some ornaments onto the table that had housed mums wash things, and put her favourite photo of her best friend Nora on it.. Sarah polished, I asked mum if she could cope with the noise that Henry made and she said yes.. so.. Henry hoover came out of obvious hibernation, I vac'd, DD polished and tidied, and between us the place looks lovely and mum was very very very glad.. we knew her friends were arriving soon and just as I loaded the washing into the machine sis and her fella arrived... they just had time to drop off some shopping and say hi to mum,. give her a plastic cup (with spout which mum said she was happy to use) and then off to station to fetch our Irish pals.. (C - is the dad, J is the son) sis actually made a point of commenting on how lovely the place looked!! DD and I had been rushing around like mad things but it was worth it to see how pleased mum was that her friends would see her home properly and not as a hospital ward... the nurse did her thing with the pump and I got on with cleaning the stuff up in the kitchen and had JUST finished when they all arrived... it was such an emotional time.. the last time I saw C and J was at Nora's funeral in 2009... I went with mum... Nora was an amazing woman.. mum was devastated..

Seeing mum and C meet again was too much and I ushered everyone else outside for a coffee... mum and C needed privacy.. it was bloomin cold though so we shivered and talked awhile and then all came back in and went and sat upstairs in the bedroom.. it's so important that mum feels able to be candid and her friends feel able to say what they need without us hovering..

J is C & Nora's younger son and I always have got on with him - he lives in London.. and we always laugh loads when we see each other,.. we shared a few laughs yesterday but it was inordinately sad..

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

when they left it was so so poignant... we all know the next time will be mums funeral, and it will be soon.. as they left we all went outside... C gave me a huge hug and said "we love you guys so much, you know that right?" and I cried and told him we loved them all too and asked to please pass my love on to everyone back home... (my first 8 years were in Dublin and I love the place!)... and he said he would... J and I hugged and I knew it reminded him of losing his mum and his hug said it all.. he knows.. he really knows.. and he just managed to choke out the words "you guys are doing a great job, a really great job"... sis took them to the station.. I think she really doesn't want to be here at all, it's too hard for her... I understand that..

Mum said she wanted to sleep so we closed the curtains for her and all went upstairs out of the way... I made sure she had her buzzer under her right hand..

She asked me to do something for her.. she asked me to go and get sis a Christmas present from her.. I asked her for a budget and she told me £40 .. so I said I would do it whilst she was sleeping and I did.. I told sis I had to go out and do some stuff for mum.. I told DD too and she smiled and I left.. I only stayed in the village (Chalfont St Peter).. and they have lovely shops.. I got sis a pair of beautiful gold earrings.. they are perfect... heart studs at the top with oval gold hoop drops with small diamond in the centre... plus.. a "Pot of Dreams" that has lovely words for a daughter on it.. I then went to the supermarket and bought some rubbish food .. lol.. I then went to get a lottery ticket and whilst in the shop I decided we should do something special for mum as she will not see Christmas.. etc.. and I bought a huge firework - one that sits on the ground so she could see out of the window from her bed.. I got back and knew mum wanted to watch Strictly.. I also knew sis wanted to ask her something important about her funeral and so, we did that first and then I said, right, we've got a surprise for you.. and agreed to knock on the window as the signal for sis to open the curtains,.. so DD and I went outside, sited this firework and , as i lit the fuse, DD knocked on the window.. but the curtains didn't open!! I couldn't believe it! THe firework started fizzing away and finally the curtains opened and DD and I dashed inside to watch... mum LOVED it!! She was thrilled to bits! We oohed, and ahhhed and then it was over.. and we wished her a happy Guy Fawkes.. mum was so pleased..

I asked why the curtains weren't opened on the signal.. it was so funny.. the phone rang at exactly the moment DD knocked and sis was across the room answering the phone and couldn't get there fast enough! LOL LOL I ribbed her about it but it was all in good humour and she took it as such.. but oh boy, it was good to see mum so pleased too.. well well worth it.. and another special moment to remember.. there are so many of those!

I told her how the man in the shop had tried to sell me more and I had refused but told him if I won the lottery jackpot then I would be back today and buy ALL of his fireworks! lol Pretty safe bet I reckon!