Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary

[mindless]

Hi FFF

I don't know you well enough to call you Jenny, but after having spent the last 2+ hours reading everyone of the 583 posts on this thread - I surely know you better than I did!.

You are an amazing woman to be able to remain so positive, active and outgoing through all that the thread shows has happened to you - you must have some mighty strong elastic on your emotions to keep bouncing back like you do.

I only wish to have a third of your tenacity and I know I will succed in my aims.

Better be careful, otherwise it will start to sound very OTT.

I hope you don't mind, but I have oh so subscribed to this thread as to read it is to be motivated.

(((Mindless))) - sorry got short arms, can't reach round my exterior far enough to give a larger hug

ps. Some Men do know their parents - honest

 

[IreneH]

Big ((((hugs)))) Jennie. You hold your head high.
Happy Christmas to you and your girls
Irene xx

 

[Summerskye]

Hi Jennie

I just wanted to send you a huge (((((((((hug)))))))) too and absolutely know what you're going through.

Your friend Lucy does sound like a truly lovely person, and I'm sure she'd never do anything to hurt you. It would be wonderful if it was compulsory for every guy we fancy to fancy us back - but, sadly, it just doesn't work that way. But that, in itself, says a lot .. he simply isn't the right one for you honey. The right one will want you just as much as you want him.

This is a reflective time of year for all of us, and I've been feeling pretty sad about things that I've lost this year too lately (not the weight though - that's a good loss ).

But it's also a good time to look forward to a new year ahead- especially when 2007 is the year in which you'll be the gorgeous slim blonde (yeah! get your hair done again .. you know you want to )

Lots of love

 

[Moley30]

Hi,

I've been meaning to get in contact with you but it seemed a bit strange why. We have a similar amount to lose and I started cd a few weeks before you. Does this make me sad wanting to get in touch...?

It sounds like you lead a similar life to me where things are always eventful. My usual phrase is 'life is never dull' although I wish for it to be more normal at times. You sound like you've had a lot on your plate (sorry scuse the non-intentional pun lol) and if you are anything like I used to be I'd turn to food. I agree with what was said earlier in your diary that this diet is a very emotional journey. The time we would have spent preparing and eating food is spent thinking, analysing and putting the world to right. My hubby is doing CD too and he has a lot less to lose to get to his goal weight. I went through a phase of thinking he might look elsewhere as he has become more attractive and he is taking more care with his appearance. What am I like? lol

Hubby and I both go to our gym regularly. We have learnt to enjoy going instead of it being a chore. We go at different times of the day and never take extra packs or have packs before we go. We just drink plenty during and after the sessions. We were told to have an extra pack after if we feel we have really exerted ourselves. We also make sure we are toning more than anything. I don't know about you but I'm worried about excess skin and all that after getting to goal.

Anyway,

Take care

Helen

 

[cah-ching]

Thursday Dec 21st 2006

Feeling sad about the whole Eric business, got an email back from him last night saying how wonderful I am and that I deserve far more attention than he can give me. *sigh Oh well.. at least it's sorted now and I can move on.. nothing to move on to at the moment, and maybe that's as well.

I think it’s great you are now able to draw a line under things. Shame he didn’t have the manners to tell you he was a busy man, but that’s by-the-by. Although if I’m brutally honest, if he really cared he would have jolly well found the time. You are wonderful, but I don’t think he realises how wonderful you are to be honest or else you wouldn’t have felt this way for so long.

I'm off to the gym in an hour for my first session!

I hope you had a fabulous time. I go to the gym to help my mood, you’d be surprised how effective this is emotionally and mentally in terms of achievement.

I tried on the jeans that arrived yesterday and was stunned! They are both a size 22.. one pair fits lovely, the other do up but are very tight... so.. gonna wear the ones that fit me …..

Testament to your hard work. Step on the pedestal and take a bow – you deserve it! J

Got waxed yesterday and had a mini pedicure and manicure too... waxing is ok CC... lol... the results are worth a few moments of discomfort and it isn't anywhere near as painful as I thought it would be when I first started getting it done..

Still not convinced. I’ve had my legs waxed, hurt like hell. Have had my bikini line done twice (a Brazilian was one of those), it made me bleed and was extremely painful.

Right.. presents calling, wrapping too.. Zoe cooked apple strudel last night and I can't tell you how many times I opened that oven door and was so terribly tempted to shovel it down me neck!! I didn't though... I drank a bliddy pint of water instead!! Oh I can't wait to be in control of food and maintaining at goal... I know it won't mean I can gorge on apple strudel but it will mean that I will be able to have the occassional slice!!!

Ho hum.. if it's worth doing, it's worth doing right!! (I can hear me nana in her broad yorkshire accent.. lol)

Well done!

You know, you aren’t on your own. What you are is still getting used to life as a single woman. Seriously as every day passes you will feel so much better and stronger. Take this time to know yourself and learn about who you are and what you want. Once you do, the likes of Eric won’t even get a look in!

Hugs

 

[cah-ching]

Well.. I am even more cheesed off than ever now... went to carol sing with everyone and did the pubs and restaurants and ended up in the pub where we go to the quiz... Mr Quiz man was there.. and at the end of the singing Mr Quiz man asked my mate Lucy if he could buy her a drink. So.. my feelings of being the fat ugly mate when we go out have all come rushing back to the surface.. what on earth made me think he would even give me a second look..??? I must need my head examined. I knew it was her he liked.. I saw him looking at her whilst we were singing... it was very obvious.

Well, he is a tad rude for not buying you both a drink, even if it was her he fancied. Are those the actions of a man you really want in your life? I do believe things happen for a reason. Be careful what you wish for ………..

She declined because we were all supposed to be going back to someone's house for supper, but I came home.. feeling like a total lard arse now.

Don’t hate her because the guy you fancy, fancies her. It isn’t her fault. The time to rethink your friendship is how she behaves towards him in the light of the fact she knows you like him. Until then hold your wrath. As someone who has always been fat and thus have always been “the fat friend” or the “one who can’t get a boyfriend” or “makes a great friend” and has faced rejection in the nicest and bitterest ways I say the above with utter compassion and not criticism, I am your friend. You are still overweight (not a lard arse – you aren’t made of pig fat!), you were bigger, however you are doing something about it. Stuff him if he can’t see past the physical – it says more about him than it does about you. HOWEVER as like all things in life, it is very natural to be attracted to some and not others – we’re just the same, so please don’t be too hard on him. He is fickle, but hey you aren’t and that makes you the better person.

How could I have been SO stupid!!

Who says?!!!!!!!! Only you says! You haven’t been – you are just a passionate person with lots of love to give. However you just have to pick yourself up and say, “there by the grace of God go I” and chalked it up to experience. Anyway – he doesn’t know you fancy him – we do – but we are your friends and we do not laugh at friends! If he does know and asked your friend if she wanted a drink then that makes him pretty low in my opinion.

Now I'm absolutely dreading Christmas eve at the pub quiz... he will be drooling over her all night... I will be playing mrs fat lonely gooseberry... it's $hit

What makes you say that? Has he done this before?
DO NOT do this to yourself, YOU deserve more than feeling like this. You are going into a cycle of self-loathing and doing such will not change a single thing. Look past this and think about the summer and how wonderful you’ll look. Think about how beautiful EVERYONE thought you were at the WeMITTS meet. What is the point of doing anything else?!

I wish I hadn't told her I liked him , the thing is, I can see why he is keen on her, she is 35, very slim, blonde and a lovely person. ALL men are attracted to her., whether she likes them or not. So.. I'm in for a fun night Christmas eve now eh! Whoopdedooo... can't freakin wait.

I’m reading and replying as I go. She knows you like him. Has she played up to him in front of you? She aint a friend if she has. No need to rub it in your face. Lets see wha happens when you reach goal.

As for the slim blonde thing – you’ve seen me, I am the complete antithesis of that!!!!! I still do think that men are creatures of blind habit and the media perpetuate the whole slim blonde = gorgeous, anything else is ugly nor worthy, thing, but I have faith (sometimes waivered!) that not all men are like this. Don’t compare yourself to her you aren’t her she isn’t you – give me YOU any day.

Felt excited at the prospect of seeing him again and now,.. well... don't even want to go there again and watch him make his play for her.. am seriously thinking of making up an excuse so not to go there Christmas Eve but she will know what I am thinking.. so.. I'll just have to go anyway.. but I feel totally crap now. TOTALLY.

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

What you are going to do is put your best clothes on, wear your finest fragrance, put your make-up on and make yourself feel fab, behave as though the pub is lucky to have your company. When you are there, remind yourself you are complete and you don’t need another being to complete you. Remind yourself of who you were, who you are and who you will be in August 2007.

I wish I hadn't gone tonight now. Well, I guess now I know there is no hope I should just carry on regardless.. but my heart feels extraordinarily heavy

Yes, my heart would weigh a ton too. I understand. I think it’s the BEST THING IN THE WORLD you went there. You are armed and fully loaded now and you can enjoy your evening in spite of the knowledge.

When something of an affliction happens, you can allow it to beat you or you can choose to beat it.

Diva says life is about choices. You have the choice. He is just one man in a huge pool.

Every time you feel hurt – he and all the other men in your past continue to win.

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Well, I'm tired and heading for bed soon, being picked up at 3.30am to go to London with girls and folks from church to cook breeky for the homeless at Whitechapel Mission... check out their website and if you feel able, dig into yer pockets.. they are a fab organisation.. and... they wants me old bras! lol (not quite sure what they want them for.. not many homeless females of that.. um.. size).. still... they can always use them as hammocks I s'pose!

wish me luck as I will be on egg-frying and sausage and bacon and hash browns duty... the smell will be divine... and I start my AAM week tomorrow, but somehow I don't think bacon sarnies is on the list...lol so.. will look forward instead to me 3oz piece of cod with veg and a chicken&mush stuffin muffin! Catch up with you all tomorrow afte/eve...

(Zoe just took a bucket, and I mean a flamin BUCKET) of popcorn up to her room! *mutter mutter mumble*

Will respond to all your lovely comments tomorrow... not been in the right frame of mind today.. *sigh.. xxx

 

[Geri]

Hi ya FFF

glad to read you sounding a bit more upbeat

Wow what good timing for your add a meal week - you'll be able to have a lil christmas lunch lol knowing it's within the plan makes all the difference.

Sleep well and happy frying tomorrow

 

[kati]

good luck with the bacon etc tomorrow, thats the hardest thing for me at work i think. It always smells lovely and is just begging to be eaten

 

[cazmaz_irl]

Hi FFF,

I believe you should change your name to FFFF, which in my books is your FFF and FABULOUS,

Go get those blond locks back, listen to nobody but yourself, your the one who's gonna enjoy it the most.

Can't say much about the quiz guy accept I fully understand how its affecting you, hopefully as somebody else said, it'll all work out for the best for you...

Hope your feeling a bit better, and do come onto your diary and post, thats what these diaries are for, us to vent our feelings with friends with nobody passing judgement. I've trained myself to use mine for that, then in a few days I can look back and remember how I was feeling or see it in a clearer picture

Speak soon, Caz

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Right then... it's Saturday Dec 23rd , 3.00pm

Not quite sure where to pick up from.. um.. yesterday morning I guess...

Friday 22nd Dec
I did go back to bed, put on a dvd and promptly fell asleep! I was woken by a telephone call from someone asking if they could give my number to someone else! I mumbled yes and rolled over.. lol Sadly this didn't work and so I got up! Plodded downstairs.. still very heavy of heart.. and looked around the kitchen... the girls had left it in a mess... so.. I cleared it up.. muttering to myself like a mad woman.. lol... never helps really does it!? That done I opened the cupboards to see what food there was.. why? I dunno? Old habit I guess... realised what I was doing and promptly shut the door and got myself a pint of water..

Realising it was almost 11am and remembering that I had advertised my treadmill on freecycle, I set to getting it out of the shed and outside the front of the house - I was likely to be out when they came... that done, and Zoe up and dressed... we set off to get her fitted for a new bra.. (I said I would treat her as hers are appalling!)... overshot the turn off (NO idea how that happened as I travel there every bloomin' day to work!) we got off at Wellingborough and went to get her L plates from Halfords.. also got her a sign that says "caution new driver"... the plan being that she would drive her car later on.. we then headed back to Rushden and the wonderful Quality Designer Lingerie from Louise's Boutique Limited, secure on-line shopping. shop. Walked in, she took one look and turned on her heels and out! It transpires that she knows the girl who works there, was at school with her, and absolutely refuses to be fitted by her!!!! What a wasted journey!! I was not impressed, but I understood... popped into the neighbouring health food shop and ordered some psyllium husks... then came home!

Spent some time on here, then on msn chatting to someone from one of the sites I am on, seems a nice chap... will find out as time goes on I guess..might be a bit of a flirty sod though.. lol we shall see!

Did some more clothes sorting and some washing and then headed off for a relatively early night.. the dog had other ideas and woke me around midnight to be let out!! grrrr... got back to sleep and in no time it was 3!

Saturday 23rd
Got ready, put the last few items of clothing in the sack and our lift arrived!

It was very cold and pretty foggy all the way down to London... we were making better time than expected and got there around 5.30am, wide awake by now and keen to get stuck in! Zoe wore her chef's jacket and apron, and we all wore aprons provided... we went with a group from my church we got stuck in and I think we (me, Sarah & Zoe) cooked about 200 sausages, 80 burgers... 5 bags of hash browns, 300 rashers of bacon, 20tins of beans, 20 tins of tinned tomatos, 3 huge tins of mushrooms PLUS... 400 fried eggs!! IN addition to that the team served up 11 loaves of bread/toast and butter, 50 bowls of cereal, and 200 full breakfasts. PLus teas and coffees. There was a big demand for clothing too.. and once all was done we had to clean everything up. We left just after midday having arrived at 5.45am.. all very tired, but totally chuffed. I know it sounds daft to say that., but you know, it was a good feeling and every single person was fed and warm and safe for those few hours.. Crisis at Christmas is now open too, so hopefully more homeless folks will feel cared about...I'm totally whacked and my foot is screeching at me, but am very happy - got to meet some very interesting people and have a laugh with them too... plus wore a silly hat whilst cooking.. and sang along to a Christmas cd!

So home again.. and got in, had my spicy tomato soup (current fave) and a pint of water and am seriously thinking of going for a soak in a deep bubble bath..

Whilst at the mission I spoke to Lucy about t'other night and told her I was upset - she looked very shocked and asked me why!!!!!????!!!!! I simply said, oh, coz I like him. She seemed a bit frosty with me after that... perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned it... I dunno...

Just realised that we have left Zoe's chef jacket and apron at the mission so will have to call them and ask them to post it to us!! Feel daft for that..

Something else incredible happened whilst we were there... I heard about a job opportunity that would suit me so much.... I am seriously thinking of applying.. ... might mean living in London M-F but that seems a small price to pay for the right job and the enjoyment level I think it will bring.. perhaps an aswer to prayer..

We shall see...

Still feeling odd about the quiz man, and need to ring Lucy to see if she's ok as she was very odd towards me all day... once we had finished cooking my foot had had enough and I sat down.. perhaps that peeved her.. she worked flaming hard! Everyone did.. and I felt lazy at the end but knew if I carried on I would be a cripple for the rest of Christmas and Sarah & I are committed to cooking / serving etc Christmas dinner for a local home so I need to be mobile to a certain degree over by Christmas day!

Christmas eve tomorrow... *sigh.. and the quiz.... Sarah has said she might come with me.. which would be wonderful as I wouldn't feel such a gooseberry... or quite as uncomfortable..

CC I think you got the wrong end of the stick about how I felt towards my friend.. lol... I absolutely love the girl.. not hate her! She is a genuinely lovely person and, lets face it, it's not her fault if a bloke I like likes her.. lol So please, don't think I thought anything less of her.. if anything I felt less of me!!!

Today did me loads of good as the chap who runs the mission and I had a really good chat about the diet, and my plans, and also, right at the end.. as we were leaving.. one of the staff told me he liked what I'd done to my hair and that it suited me! lol that was out of the blue so made me smile inside...

Geri - thanks hon, am feeling more like meself again now.. just a tired version, lol.

Caz - aww.. cheers for the nice words! lovin' your diary! Know what you mean about the diary, I just didn't feel in the mood to spill it all out on here.. some days its ok.. others not so ok.. lol

All - thanks again for the love and support on here.. it makes a difference!

Am going to give the job some really serious thought and drop the guy an email about it... it would appear to be a really fab opportunity... and good money too... the only negative is the travelling .. but there may be a solution... watch this space!

Right.. as there are no emails from prospective "dates" I shall retire to the sofa for the remainder of the afternoon and rest this foot of mine! Will call Lucy too.. see if she's ok... and to sort out driving arrangements for tomorrow night.. (quiz then midnight communion/carol service)....

Oh... also, got home to find an envelope in the post box, addressed to me, with "ON NO ACCOUNT TO BE OPENED UNTIL DEC 25th" written on the back!! Really tempted to open it, but won't... it will be a surprise! lol I don't recognise the writing so have NO idea who on earth it's from!

 

[cazmaz_irl]

Wow FFFF, I feel like a lazy baggage compared to you, your absolutely brill.. all the volunteering, thats what Christmas is all about, helping others, I just wish I'd gotten involved in something like that, glad your feeling a bit better, pity about your foot, but go plant yourself on your sofa and get that leg raised, you so deserve a rest now.

Talk to your friend Lucy, she sounds lovely, but god help her she doesn't seem to know what your experiencing, so have a word, I'm sure she'll fully understand, at least she'll be aware.

talk soon, Caz

 

[punkass]

Hey Jennie

Ooooh i am liking the idea of this underwear place right near where I will be living lol... is this the Freya Factory shop that I have seen once when visiting a customer that way? I parked up outside a huge building and it had Freya logo among others on the side... I was tempted to visit then.. but will be even better when I move there.. desperate for smaller underwear!!!!

I'm so impressed with ur work with the mission. I would love to have done something like that.... I presume we must have places like this up north, but I don't know where or how to go about it, will look into it I think! I'm definately one for helping the homeless, but I usually only do it by buying the big issue and giving my loose change when they're cold and in doorways and i'm out on the town... I hate the ignorance of some people walking past and slagging them off.... It had never occured to me to help cook food for them though, that is such a worthwhile and lovely thing to do, especially at this time of year when everyone needs a bit of love and care. So if there is a sort of central volunteer website or phone number which may cover the whole country i'd be most grateful if you could let me know...

Very intrigued by ur envelope thats not to be opened until 25th!!! No way would i be able to wait!!!!!! Looking forward to hearing what it is and who its from! All i got today was an xmas card of my postie - who is lovely and possibly the best postie in the country! I gave him a fiver tip in a card last week.. bless him

 

[bettyboo]

Fair play to you. YOu are amazing..........the work you are doing is fantastic. Hope you have a lovely Christmas.


x

Bettyboo

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Lol, I'm no Mother Teresa... I only did this for one morning this year and one morning last year too (I think it was Dec 28th then) , so... if any of you are thinking I do it all the time.. please don't I'm just ordinary and went with a team of very hard working peeps who are very lovely

 

[kati]

even if it is just one day a yea it will make a huge difference to the people you've helped. on't play it down, it's more than most people will even think of doin. Including myself, I'd never even know where to go to do anything like that

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

At a guess, most large towns will have some form of charity for the homeless and would love volunteers... a quick search online would find your nearest... thanks though

I got so much out of it, and seeing my girls working together with me as a team was so lovely.

 

[mindless]

multi-tasking eh?

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Oh, bettyboo... meant to tell you... Mich and I saw an amazing model of BettyBoop in a shop in Coventry last weekend and I thought of you! lol

 

[Mich]

Oh, bettyboo... meant to tell you... Mich and I saw an amazing model of BettyBoop in a shop in Coventry last weekend and I thought of you! lol

The BettyBoop model/figurine was wicked I can vouch for that!!!

Jennie - pleased to hear you've had a good day 'doing your bit'.....you are a really good person inside and out

I am OK......just busy, busy...... have updated my thread though

Probably wont be around now till after Christmas....hope you and your girls have a wonderful time.....stay strong and this time next year you will have reaped the rewards of staying strong and be at your target....... and hopefully I'll be with you too

Lots of love (will text you over the xmas period)