Thursday Dec 28th 2006
I'm so tired but so happy too...
back into SS properly (as of yesterday)
and my Christmas slip a dim and distant memory... and scared witless about how things are progressing with Mr K but he is feeling the same so it's all a bit unreal (although VERY real at the same time). He does seem to be a really good guy...
I went to the party last night (didn't get there until after 9 as I was sooo reluctant to even go!)... and it was as I had feared.. all couples..
. all totally loved up and into one another.. there were some youngsters there too.. but none of the unbearable variety. Don't get me wrong - Lucy has the loveliest friends.. but... it was hard to be there.
It brought back memories I don't care to revisit..and thoughts of "I wish".. neither of which are particularly constructive emotions! I wore the red top that Zoe had talked me into buying.. with my lovely new red bra (just ever so slightly showing due to the style of the top - nothing tacky though.. and the colour was exactly the same as the top so it wasn't too obvious)... I had both girls give their verdict - it was the thumbs up so I set off. It was bitterly cold out.. I was glad that she has a warm house. I wasn't the last to arrive though, so it wasn't too terrible and Lucy had just sent me a text as I pulled up outside her house.. she looked amazing.. she was wearing a sparkly deep red bustier and jeans and sparkly sandals.. this is what she's going to wear on New Years Eve... I have no idea what to wear now! lol Not sure the dress will see the light of day after all... I guess I don't have to decide right now anyway.. so won't!
Where was I..? Oh yes.. so I'm at the party... good old solo flo... and I know quite a few of the others there (from previous years) and everyone is chatting nicely.. but they are all talking "couple-speak".. y'know? and I just feel very out of it... there is a picture quiz dotted around the house.. photos of celebrities and you had to identify them.. I did ok but hadn't a clue with the sportsmen and some of the celebs.. there was food everywhere I looked.. olives (yuk - so not tempting).. bowls of peanuts (very tempting), chocolates (excrutiatingly tempting) and a table in the dining room covered with pizza, dips, snacks, crisps, garlic bread (oh my Lord,, I miss garlic bread!)... sausages.. quiche (licking me lips now!).. crudites... salad... dressings... then she brought in a fish dish of some description (which no-one had I think) and a goulash (which got demolished)... and then the puddings... pavlovas, profiteroles, chocolate torte.. bars of chocolate were the prizes for the quiz (glad I didn't win!)...and the kitchen was piled high with chocs, nuts, snacks.. and of course loads of booze.. diet coke etc etc.. absolutely NOTHING there that I wouldn't expect to see... BUT.. it was sooooooooo hard.
I tried to keep out of the dining room but she read the quiz answers out in there... and then everyone (naturally) brought their nosh into the living room and chomped away... I felt incredibly jealous of them.. I was by far the largest person there... by far!! (her friends are ALL slim and trendy and intelligent and lovely!)..
It wasn't a good time.
I got home far later than I had hoped to ...partly due to my later arrival and also because there was a second quiz in the living room and everyone was crammed in there so no chance of escape! I finally dragged myself in at 12.15am and logged onto msn.. I had promised Mr K that I would do so.. and to be honest.. and I know you will think I am barking mad.. but I missed him. I would have loved to have had him with me last night.. to show him off.. lol.. to introduce him to Lucy and co... but anyway... I logged on and he wasn't there... he was on the site we met on.. so I sent him a message and he came on to msn...
His typing deteriorated as time wore on... we were both so tired..so he rang me and I logged off and went to bed. At about 2am I was falling alseep listening to his lovely deep voice and managed to waken myself enough to say that I had to go to sleep as I was due to come into the orifice this morning... we bade one another goodnight and he promised to wake me this morning with a call.
He is a man of his word, and the call came... another discussion about all manner of things and, over and hour later.. it's time for me to get into benny-hill-type-silly-speed mode and... not surprisingly... I am a tad late for work... but.. as it is only me here all this week, it really doesn't matter too much.
The more we talk, the more there seems to talk about... it's weird really! We have a great number of common interests, common experiences.. plus he is intelligent and witty. Both major attractions! lol (makes him sound like Blackpool Pleasure Beach!).. lol
We've made arrangements to meet up now.. and each time I think about it my stomach churns (in a nervous excited way) and my heart picks up a pace... all manner of doubts creep into my head.. all those what ifs again... all the old insecurities... all the warning bells, alarms and radars are on overload.. lol.. and yet... I know.. I just KNOW... it will be fine.. better than fine...
I'm not sure how much more I will say about him as I would hate to say too much and him to read it! I'm so aware that there are loads of people in the world who have access to read my diary.. and I would have for him to have to deal with someone "interogating" him because they recognise from my ramblings that he is who he is and that might cause major problems at home for him ... and then for me too.
All I can really say is this... I like him ( a lot)... he likes me (a lot) and we are both nervous and excited and edgy about the whole thing.. lol... like a pair of teenagers! (or younger).. and I love it, and so does he.. so that's all ok. I'll let you know how things go but won't say too much
I'm sat in this freezing office struggling to keep my eyes open.. I have my weigh in with Ailsa at 12.30 today so will let you know how that goes... I have no idea how it will be.. I hope that I have lost more... I can't see that the extra turkey and veg and relish will have made too much of a difference.. and I am most definitely still in ketosis.
I can't wait to get some more spicy tomato soup.. it's scrummy!
Right.. better get on with some work as Mr K doesn't appear to be coming on msn for the time being.. (see now, this is where that damn insecurity and old feelings of rejection rear their butt ugly heads!).. so... will catch up with you all after the weigh-in and my check up with the nurse!
Cheerio for now xxx
