Was having a little think today as I was out walking. I realised, I am not always being conscious of "holding my stomach in" any more. And I realised, I have been holding my stomach in for my entire life. If I now try to just relax and let ig go, and stand naturally without any resistence on my ab muscles, it takes me about 3 or 4 goes before I completey let it go. I think I have relaxed, but realise I am still holding it in. I have always been so self conscious of my tum, even as a teen, that I have always held it in.
In recalling why I have done that, even when I was a teen and didn't need too (if only I knew that then, might not be here today). I realised, as a small girl, maybe 5, or 6, my mom used to always shout at me to "hold your stomach in". Now that might sound mean, but I have realised over the past few days, I think I took her comments wrong, at a very early and impressionabl age, and took that to mean I was fat, when that was not what she had meant at all.
As I look back on old photos of me then, I was a skinny little bean. No fat at all really. But I had terrible posture. i would stand, with hands a-kimbo on hips, and arch my back, making my tummy stand out. If she might had said "stand up straight", it would have perhaps been a completely different understanding. So I began holding it in at all times because i felt like I had a fat tummy. And I didn't. Mind games.
If I only knew then what I know now!
but at least now, I am learning things I have never thought of.
I have also decided.....there are two other major events in my life beside what I just told you all. One, I have intimated about, is the death of my father. I have never been the same since. And one other deep dark - not as bad as this one, and in the right time, I will talk about it. I have found it really helpful to write these tings and put them out there. So I will sort out a few things in my head, and then disclose them. Purge. And be free of it.
And then I decided, I am going to stop playing the victim. I know there have been a lot of hurts, but everyone has a lot of hurts. And there are many worse off, as there are who have had it easier - but everyone has been through it at some stage or another. (My problam was I had a golden life until I was 33, with the exception of the accident that broke my legs, and the abortions. Everything else came easily and it was bliss. Nice at the time, but did not prepare me for the knocks that lay ahead. And then, it was BAM BAM BAM with one major thing after another over about 7 years without a break. I think that is why I lost my coping abilities. I was overwhelmed with the reality of life really.
So. It's getting to be time to finish with all those dark and heavy matters. They will always be with me, and they are what made me who I am today be it the good or the bad or the ugly - but that makes me, me. They just need to be put in their proper place now. Acknowldeged. Accepted. Archived.
That is my mission. I believe I can finally acheive that too.
I am lightening my load, inside and out.
![Kellie=]](/data/avatars/m/5/5295.jpg?1447101021){kind=avatar}
