Cerulean's Maintenance Diary - 20 wks of SSing - Maintaining since 25/07/11

[Cerulean]

Cor I'm in the right grumpy dumps. The proper Sunday evening special. I know I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow...or for the rest of the year, particularly (!) but it'll pass. I know I have to just breathe. But argh! Argh! ARGH!

Now you see - since the first time round when I went proper loopy from about 13 stone downwards - all paranoid and angsty cos of the prolonged weightloss - I've never done it past that point - too risky getting all scatty and moody and snappy and oh so paranoid - seriously...like the tiniest things turn into mega dramas. May have to post to the main forum about this...I know the diet brings about an enormous sense of calm sometimes, but...the negatives can be terrifying. I'm a pretty centred person these days so the angst is worrying.

Oh well - I've done my recycling - rather more Coke Zero cans than there should be ;p

 

[Cerulean]

Well, it's audition night tonight. And only now will the truth tell whether I've lost enough weight to start getting the glam parts rather than the ratbags and country bumpkins.

Who knows?!

It's nice seeing the writing credit for my play up in lights. And tonight people might be auditioning for my play and speaking lines that I wrote! Yay!

 

[Cerulean]

Audition

Did my audition. There's always a huge element of doubt and superstition regardless of how competent and confident you are so I shan't say anything other than - I looked the part I wore my size 14 short cardie and a maxidress and I got all of the dance right. Whoo hoo!

Just when I thought I'd done okay, I said my goodbyes and missed the last two steps of the staircase and ended up writhing in agony and shame at the bottom. Thankfully I haven't twisted it or anything but my divaish ego took a tumble!

 

[Cerulean]

Weigh in NUMBER 10!!!

Was 0.5lbs. I knew it would be rubbish, not that it's rubbish - it was cold and I am in ketosis so I wore my winter dress and my long dance pants so that's 2lbs more than I usually weigh.

So I have only lost 3lbs in 2 weeks but overall I have lost about 4 inches off my hips and waist so all good. I've not been walking for the last week due to the weird weather and writing/acting commitments (dahlink).

Must not play the scales game - as I well know that month I spent at 10st 6 (seriously I ALMOST DIED of disappointment after the 3rd weigh in of 100% hardcore abstinence) on lighterlife was when I went from a size 10 to an 8 without losing any scale weight.

Still I feel all motivated and have had a chat with my CDC about my angstattacks and I've said I'll stick to plan up to 810 week and if 810 improves my mood (although I'm pretty darn chirptastic today as it is) I might 810 for a few weeks just to lock in the loss and give my body and brain a break from total abstinence without going carb crazy. I am going to do this right for ME this time, damnit! Over 4 years I've seen so many changes in both LL and CD that I'm not sure there is a one size fits all approach, anyway.

CDC did say that she would usually say 'maybe its just your weightloss making you more confident and able to speak up - but I don't think you've ever had a problem with that' lololol! So true!

 

[sparklychar]

Keep going Sarah you're doing so well. Bodies are so strange, was out with one of my besties tonight who is a size 4-6, and she just can't keep any weight on. While I was with her she ate a Subway, Doritos and 3 cookies.... But equally she has problems getting clothes, we have opposite problems but the same feelings about our bodies!!!!

Anyway, my point is, that bodies are weird, play tricks on us, have things affecting them that we can't see or influence.... but keep going. My CDC said that the weight tends to come off in blocks.... xxx

 

[Cerulean]

Char - that blocks thing certainly rings true - I see from my 2008 spreadsheet that I plateaued at er - (does sums) 203lbs for 2 weeks and then suddenly lost nearly 9lbs - so that's about the weight and timescales we're on now...makes sense - my body's set point is around 14st 3 - it's the weight where I feel kind of alright and easiest to maintain with no real drama - it's probably the weight I've been sitting at for most of my adult life - when I stress eat I put on a couple of stone - when the stress goes I fall back to about 14.5 with little effort - so maybe it's something to do with that.

Of course I don't care about the scales in the short term - I've been a big loser (in the nicest sense!) too long to see it in week blocks - sometimes I think I lose wieght on the 8th day of the week!...I think it's just the fact that you don't want to be on the diet forever and that momentum would make you feel like a week closer to seeing the final number.

 

[Cerulean]

10 weeks done...about 10-14 weeks to go of SS

So that is my Day 70 about done - tomorrow is my actual home scales Week 10 weigh in. This time 10 weeks ago I was having a plum cocktail in Skylon (my last meal was at Heston Blumenthal's new restaurant) the last thing I ate that I didn't buy from my counsellor was a lovely rhubarb dessert, the most incredible 72 hour cooked beef and a meat fruit (like off Heston's Feasts).

So remember how had had a bit of a panic last week? Well this week couldn't have been sweeter if you'd dipped it in a melted toffee bar, audition went swimmingly, the writing that gave me such a headache (and brainache) at the weekend was completed today at lunchtime just like that a day and a half ahead of schedule, work has been wonderful - really enjoyable and fast paced and I've been efficient. I had the most reassuring and life-affirming and fun chat with my CDC (we had the same LLC and have many a story to share).

Tomorrow is the exciting day. Tomorrow is when I find out if I am through to Saturday's auditions.

I have a little bit of money spare this month and I have been thinking of buying something in a particular bright colour to make me look more the part if I get recalled for Saturday. I want a deep firey red maxi dress or anything that looks a little grecian and elegant in a flame colour...anyone seen anything like that? - I know Debenhams sometimes comes trumps. Did Wallis have something that looked like flames?

Oh I am soooo determined!

Oh - I popped round to see my colleague where I used to sit and one of the ladies there stopped me and said nice things about how I looked (was wearing a v slinky size 16 satin dress). We had a good old chat about diets like this and she said 'I think diets where you cut out all the crap are the best for you, they work quickly and you have rules you just don't break' She's quite right. They've always worked the best for me - I like strict rules! (Don't mention the Coke Zero )

 

[sparklychar]

Awwww that's such a lovely compliment!!! Debs and Wallis have 20-25% off at the mo too ;-) x

 

[Cerulean]

So this morning was my official weigh-in from starting exactly 10 weeks ago and I have managed the full 3 stone. 42.3lbs off and in the 13's by the skin of my teeth! I must have willed 2lbs to melt away overnight!

All being well I think this might be a good week for my official CDC weigh-in. And just 2 weeks to 810. 2 weeks? How have I managed that.

Today is a big exciting day - I have a big meeting (I never have Big Meetings at work) and this afternoon and early evening is when I might get the phonecalls saying I've been called back to audition. I am waiting for an unknown mobile number to flash up on my iPhone in particular as that will be the director of the play I *really* want to be in.

 

[Cerulean]

Oh yay and boo. Work went brilliantly...all good - happy about that. Haven't had a recall call for the play which means I am probably out EDIT: NO I'M NOT!!! YAYYYY! 8)

Probably shouldn't dwell...what hasn't helped is that a weird chocolate-y taste has been in my mouth all day - I think they've changed the coffee beans at work to yummier ones - either that or the chocolate from my breakfast bar has just hung around. It's giving me massive cravings. I haven't actually felt compelled to physically eat since I started...but today...maybe it's the disappointment.

Ugh...thankfully there's nothing to eat in the house (although I am having to yank myself back from my spare emergency bar) and I'm feeling a bit too low to leave the house and forage for crap. And I don't really fancy any crap...not really - but I am observing the anxiety. Best mate is out with friends. Mum would be too sympathetic and doesn't really get it...I finished my writing a day early so I could enjoy learning my speeches if I got recalled. Ho hum. As I said in my other blog - you win some, you lose some, but I don't usually lose these ones.

2 hours later than expected, at 9.45, I got a phonecall to say I had been recalled for both plays. WHOOOOOOP! (Blimmin' glad I didn't drown my sorrows in cake now! Not that I was going to...but it made it on to the possibilities list - which was close enough!)

 

[sparklychar]

Well done for plays and diet successes! X

 

[Cerulean]

Day 72

So - it was interesting last night observing the panic and the desire for food. It was partly my fault - I was absent minded when making my home from work soup and poured about 400ml in which would have made it too weak...so I thought 'better just add another soup pack'. Which meant as I was getting more and more anxious waiting for the call, I had no packs to play with - and my night time hot chocolate might have been all I needed. Also my weight has started to shift again after the 2 week plateau and I had no desire to jeopardise that...

Last night taught me a bit of a lesson. I spent the evening thinking 'How am I not good enough? I know I was good in the audition, should I call someone to find out?' I doubted my own belief in myself. That's the problem with acting - you sort of have to believe in yourself whilst remaining a little sceptical as any 'job' could be snatched from you at any time on a whim.

Yesterday's lessons

1. Believe in yourself
2. Sit tight - food is not the solution. (but tea sometimes helps)

 

[sparklychar]

I'm a singer... well, aspiring, and an audition rejection on tues led to such a downer and a massive binge... *sighs* why do we do it to ourselves?! X

 

[Cerulean]

It smarts, doesn't it - you get used to riding out the rejections - but last night I felt like 'ugh - why do I do this, it's a HORRIBLE feeling' it mainly came from thinking people I don't rate so highly doing better than me...

 

[Cerulean]

Day 74

I seem to be losing weight to lurch from audition to audition. Passing yesterday was no different...so I weigh 13st 12 or thereabouts - my comfy weight where I feel 'normal fat' rather than 'fat fat'

I'm in the mainstream lines of high street clothes and know I can get 14s and 16s on by eye. I also know I'm a stone away from just being overweight. So it's all to play for. Also it would be awesome to be under 12 stone by the time the play goes up (9 weeks away...hmmm - 23lbs in 9 weeks (one of which would be 810)? More than possible, yes!)

I'm a bit knackered today - I think yesterday (the 6 hour recall) was a bit mentally exhausting and I didn't drink enough water. Have already drank my 2.5 litres!

I did a gentle short swim (for me - 35 mins!) and had a nice steam and sauna. Then I walked to feed my friend's bunnies - ha! I forgot to mention here that it was only last night as I went in the door of my friend's flat that I remembered that it would mean I was handling food! Who would have thought that a couple of tiny leaves of romaine lettuce and a sick of celery could have me sniffing them and almost drooling! (Luckily I wasn't quite so attracted to the hay!)

Anyway - I fed the bunnies and came back. I walked the whole triangle of home - pool - pool to bunnies - bunnies to home which is 3.6 miles. So I'm exhausted now and debating whether to walk to London Bridge for my writing session or not - which would take my mileage for the day up to 8 miles - what with auditioning and stuff, I have missed out on two weekends of long walks so I should really do something...but am worried I'll be sleepy by the time I get to the writing session.

I wish I could just have a little snooze. Thing is - if I get the bus because of the ridiculous roadworks in the city and London bridge it will take almost as long.

Ah well - onwards!

 

[Cerulean]

What a smashingly lovely day. The girl can act - she's been told so. And the girl can also write. And we also know taht the girl can lose weight - so if the girl could try her hand at maintaining a weight of less than 11st for the rest of her life, that would be lovely.

Hoooray!

 

[Beccubug]

Your diary is so much fun to read. I just read all of it. And the girl can most certainly write.

 

[Cerulean]

That's a lovely thing to say - thank you so much - I aim to entertain. One of the things that kept me going first time round was reading other people's stories...ahhh - the Icemoose and Eira and Gaijingirl days...without them I'd never have made it through the first month so I kind of vowed to always tell my story - but like a lot of poeple, when the weight's going on you go strangely quiiiiet...but for the moment...I find it helps to focus on the silliness of what you're actually doing at least that way you have something to smile at when you're having a rough day.

 

[Cerulean]

Day 76 - and over half a stone just GONE!

Well - I don't usually have dramatic weigh-ins - or an inch off all my vitals in one go, but I got the double whammy this week. See! Weigh-ins are terrible, aren't they? Repeat to self: Thescalesmeannothingthescalesmeannothing.

So 8lbs off - my CDC almost fell over backwards.

As I said elsewhere - when you plateau...the trick is going through it. I think doing LL is what taught me how to run...and running's taught me how to stick to things. If you have a wall of pain it will only be so long until you're the other side of it and coasting along.

As I also posted in the main forum...as I am playing around a bit with diet drinks and exercise and not exercise and amounts of water...my theory is it doesn't matter a damn (with the exception of diet drinks - I seem to be totally fine with them - you may not be - use with caution). But no - whatever I do or don;t do - my weight has no rhyme or reason. The one constant is that over 20 or so weeks I average about 3.5lbs a week. But you can only build an average picture if you keep to it for the number of weeks it would take to get to goal if you lost 3.5lbs a week. When you get to then end - then you can whinge that you *only* lost 3.2lbs a week

Oh who am I kidding? - whinge away, as much as you like, whinging at the scales is part of the fun...just keep to the plan! It doesn't work if you're not doing it!

 

[Beccubug]

That's a lovely thing to say - thank you so much - I aim to entertain. One of the things that kept me going first time round was reading other people's stories...ahhh - the Icemoose and Eira and Gaijingirl days...without them I'd never have made it through the first month so I kind of vowed to always tell my story - but like a lot of poeple, when the weight's going on you go strangely quiiiiet...but for the moment...I find it helps to focus on the silliness of what you're actually doing at least that way you have something to smile at when you're having a rough day.

It also helps to have a story so upbeat. You seem to be consistantly logical about this very silly diet. I am trying at the moment as in the last 10 days I have only dropped one pound. It was the pound that took me into the overweight category so I do love it.