To be honest, I'm not much better today. I suppose it's a good thing I don't have any money and I have no temptations at home, because I am definitely in a "sod it all" mood. I've pretty much had this page open all day, trying to re-motivate myself by reading and re-reading food diaries and articles. Nothing's helping for the moment. I feel very defeated. I spent my life this heavy and it's going to take the rest of it to get it off.
My initial goal of 100lbs is small to me, knowing that I ultimately wanted to lose approximately 303½lbs. I'd remind myself that I'd probably need 3-4 years to get it all off. I'm mostly upset concerning the statistics because, here I am, really trying this time, and almost one year in, I've only managed what I consider a drop in the ocean. I feel like I still haven't even got started.
My doctor gave me a year - a year to prove that I could make a substantial dent in my weight, and he'd stop bugging me about gastric bypass. I'm having an evaluation in June and I already know it's not going to be good. They refused me surgery on my leg already, and that was back in December when I'd reached 3st. The surgeon blatently told me it's not enough. I know it's down to anaesthetic issues etc. due to my weight.
The only that kept me going was that I knew, being extra heavy meant bigger losses in the first year at least, and while I knew I'd never be at target by then, I was hoping to much closer to it than I am now. I've done everything I can do at the size I am right now. I still have leg problems, so exercise is an issue.
I feel like the only person on this site that started at over 400lbs...and is still 400lbs+ 9 months later. ColJack, LovelyLaura, Capricorn, Surreygal, Piink etc. = excellent first year weight losses all on their way or surpassed 100lbs already, so I know where I'm supposed to be. Even if I followed the 2lbs a week thing, it'd still be 104lbs over the course of a year.
If I continue at the rate I'm going, I won't be at target for another 6 years (I'm averaging 4½lbs a month, which I do not consider substantial enough for someone of my size), which is great, if you don't want to have more kids or get surgery to repair LDS in both legs. Not to mention my stats indicate I have merely lost and gained the same 3st in almost 3 rotations, effectively making me a yoyo-er...and is frankly quite scary.
I am honest enough with myself to know when I'm eating badly, I'm to blame. But when I've had a good week, I'm floored at watching the scales say I've gorged 19,250 extra calories! I've thought on it a lot, and I'm giving myself until September. If I cannot sustain my weight losses until then, I have no choice but to opt for a bypass. I am terrified of surgery, but I'd rather do that then feel this way every other week for another year and more.
I love SW, and the EE plan is not hard for me, it's my favourite. I enjoy my food, and it really doesnt feel like I'm dieting. I am not a fruit/yogurt person, but I love the heck out my veggies and I honestly don't miss the extra HEX's most days. But I cannot carry on losing 4 and gaining 5+. The worst part is whenever I have a gain like this, I know my Consultant wants to believe what I'm saying, but I can tell he's probably thinking I lived on McDonald's for the entire week. Simply saying "I don't know what's happened" isn't good enough. He'd probably just hand me yet another SAS sheet, because I've said it before. I mean, the plan works, right? If you follow it, it works? Yep. "You're obviously not following it."
I really don't know what else I can do. I've cut out pasta, reduced my portions; I eat when I'm hungry and I try to stick to my syns. I make a point of going to class most weeks, even though I don't have that much money because I stay to class and really want it all off. I changed so much and expected as much in return. I don't weigh myself at home and I'm not on any medications.
Everything upsets me now. I can't even watch the biggest loser anymore, they're all doing way better than I am, go figure. I take my book everywhere, and for a while I was sure I was doing something wrong. I know it's not supposed to be easy, but this is just making me want to revert. In total, I've had 23 weeks of losses and only 12 weeks of gains - which is a testament to how big the gains are, since they surpass the loss amounts.
I don't know. I mean, I'll be following it for now, but it's a catch-22. I don't want to give up, but I figure I may as well have been eating crap all this time. The infuriating thing is if I did do that, I probably would have gained 100lbs easily. I haven't even gone down a full clothes size. I'm in a stupid in-between-y place that means I still have to wear my old clothes. It also means no one has even hinted at my weight loss, because I look exactly the same. My doc would never have believed me if I hadn't shown him my book. Real life = not very motivating.
So I don't tell many people I'm on SW and have been for almost a year. They'd just look at me like I'm high, because they'd say to themselves what I have on repeat in my head:
"Shouldn't you have lost more by now?"
I don't even know if I can blame the manual scales. I know weight fluctuates from minute to minute and machine to machine. Either way, if I'd lost, it'd show a loss, no?
Thanks for your words of encouragement though, it really means a lot. Sometimes I find myself wishing really really hard, that I could go back in time to when I maybe had 5 or 10st to lose. Then, maybe a 2 or 3st loss wouldn't seem so bad. But out of 21st 9½lbs? I feel like if 21st 9½lbs was the statue of liberty, 2st 12lbs is like 1/1000th of her toenail. :sigh: