Flowers Diary

[_Flower_]

Oh god I know you guys are right, I know that everything you have said makes sense more then and you know why, because you all know, the misery, the hiding feelings, pretend i'm (you're) not as miserable being fat then you let on.

I'm a big girl ultimately its my fault I gave up but do think he 'led' me to the decision but I believe it was only because he's seen me suffer for 4 days and when its not something he can fix, he suffers too. I guess I never really considered that and I was selfish to let him see how much I was suffering. He is supportive, very much so but he is a fussy bugger and processed frozen food is all he can eat and I shouldn't have moaned about him having tea because I know he felt guilty about making me feel hungry. He saw how begrudgingly I ate something yesterday and today which isn't like me, usually if I throw in the towel I do it in spectacular style and he feels bad for not encouraging me to stick when I wanted to give up.

The saddest thing of all is that it was working, I could see it on the scales, 9lb in 3.5 days, that's ridiculous! There are reasons other diets haven't worked, many thinking about it actually not that they haven't worked but more that they've disrupted me and food is my comfort blanket in hard times. Kitty knows my real life better and knows the rather depressing history of the last couple of years which I won't depress you all with but I'm not the most confident person in real life and my hubby is my best friend, I don't have many friends so he is my support (why i'm on here so much ) but I guess his judgement is clouded when it comes to me because he knows what I want to hear and what to say to make it happen with out him actually telling me to do something. He wants me to do what will make me happy, which is a tad tricky when you have no idea what that is.

I wasn't lying when I said that I didn't want to diet this way but in all honesty, I don't want to diet anyway, I'd like to wake up and be a perfect size 10 but as I don't have a genies lamp to hand dieting is pretty much my only option right?

I don't really know what to do now in all honesty, feeling a little lost. :sigh:

 

[bluegirl]

Oh so glad you came back to say hello, and I don't think it's goodbye. I think you needed a day away/off to realise that this is the only way for us. The temptation of other diets is too immense, we need this approach.

Read some diaries, success stories and keep talking. I think so many of us totally understand how you feel and can empathise. We want you to succeed. We are not here to knock you off track or offer you treats we're your cheerleaders!

Xxx

 

[Lily]

Flower! :bighug:

Oh god I know you guys are right, I know that everything you have said makes sense more then and you know why, because you all know, the misery, the hiding feelings, pretend i'm (you're) not as miserable being fat then you let on.

I'm a big girl ultimately its my fault I gave up but do think he 'led' me to the decision but I believe it was only because he's seen me suffer for 4 days and when its not something he can fix, he suffers too. I guess I never really considered that and I was selfish to let him see how much I was suffering.

Yes, he's suffering, hun. He's used to being able to 'fix you' with a takeaway pizza. But you weren't being selfish, you were asking for support, that's all. And even if you were being selfish, who says you can't be, once in a while? Don't be afraid of putting your needs first, darling. This is important stuff. Your health is at stake.

He is supportive, very much so but he is a fussy bugger and processed frozen food is all he can eat

Um, why?

and I shouldn't have moaned about him having tea because I know he felt guilty about making me feel hungry. He saw how begrudgingly I ate something yesterday and today which isn't like me, usually if I throw in the towel I do it in spectacular style and he feels bad for not encouraging me to stick when I wanted to give up.

The saddest thing of all is that it was working, I could see it on the scales, 9lb in 3.5 days, that's ridiculous! There are reasons other diets haven't worked, many thinking about it actually not that they haven't worked but more that they've disrupted me and food is my comfort blanket in hard times. Kitty knows my real life better and knows the rather depressing history of the last couple of years which I won't depress you all with but I'm not the most confident person in real life and my hubby is my best friend, I don't have many friends so he is my support (why i'm on here so much ) but I guess his judgement is clouded when it comes to me because he knows what I want to hear and what to say to make it happen with out him actually telling me to do something. He wants me to do what will make me happy, which is a tad tricky when you have no idea what that is.

Yes. Big hugs, hunni. :hug99: I think most of us know what you mean, and those of us who have partners, our partners have mostly all done exactly the same. But food isn't the answer.

I wasn't lying when I said that I didn't want to diet this way but in all honesty, I don't want to diet anyway, I'd like to wake up and be a perfect size 10 but as I don't have a genies lamp to hand dieting is pretty much my only option right?

I hear you x x And I'm getting the picture that no matter what diet you try, it's hard to stay on it. Seeing as your OH will only eat processed food (if that's what you meant?), maybe something that might help is doing a cookery course together? Or buying a good healthy cookery book and working your way through it. It sounds like you both have issues with food, actually. Where do his come from?

I don't really know what to do now in all honesty, feeling a little lost. :sigh:

Well... You could do a lot worse than get back on the Cambridge wagon. You've only been off the wagon for 2 days and it really wouldn't take long to repair the damage. But I completely understand if you're not in the right place to do that.

When you've tried WW and SW before, what sort of things went wrong? Was it OH wanting to eat stuff that you couldn't eat if you wanted to stick to the plan?

 

[ClaireCat]

I'm going to be your hot goth cheerleeder!!!! *gets her pom poms out* hahaha!!!!

Get back onto the shakes. I ate yesterday because I was ill, and today I've been feeling hungry since I got up. A day or two after restarting and you'll be fine.

I know exactly how you feel. Think of the amount you've lost already in such a short space of time. 1st a month is the estimate. Think of how quick its going to come off.

All that food you might crave just now will still be there when you're done. Dont lose faith in yourself, I wont xx

 

[_Flower_]

Oh so glad you came back to say hello, and I don't think it's goodbye. I think you needed a day away/off to realise that this is the only way for us. The temptation of other diets is too immense, we need this approach.

Read some diaries, success stories and keep talking. I think so many of us totally understand how you feel and can empathise. We want you to succeed. We are not here to knock you off track or offer you treats we're your cheerleaders!

Xxx

Thankyou, I think you're right about the time off, hopefully it does the job.

Flower!

Yes, he's suffering, hun. He's used to being able to 'fix you' with a takeaway pizza. But you weren't being selfish, you were asking for support, that's all. And even if you were being selfish, who says you can't be, once in a while? Don't be afraid of putting your needs first, darling. This is important stuff. Your health is at stake.

I hear you x x And I'm getting the picture that no matter what diet you try, it's hard to stay on it. Seeing as your OH will only eat processed food (if that's what you meant?), maybe something that might help is doing a cookery course together? Or buying a good healthy cookery book and working your way through it. It sounds like you both have issues with food, actually. Where do his come from?

He got ill a lot as a child and was physically sick after eating so a lot of home made dinners remind him of being so poorly, he can't be in the house if i cook lasgne. I guess he's been fixing me with food because I fix me with food

Well... You could do a lot worse than get back on the Cambridge wagon. You've only been off the wagon for 2 days and it really wouldn't take long to repair the damage. But I completely understand if you're not in the right place to do that.

When you've tried WW and SW before, what sort of things went wrong? Was it OH wanting to eat stuff that you couldn't eat if you wanted to stick to the plan?

ummm well in the last 2 years i've had 3 miscarriages and hubby got pretty ill and was in and out of hospital, so during those times dieting was really that important, if you know what I mean and then when I was getting back on my feet something else came along and knock me over again, but always getting heavier because I was using food as fix rather then talking to hubby.

I think i'm in the right place now, I need to have a chat with him before and be a bit more honest about things i guess, he'll do what ever I want, he's offered to eat in the garden before, lol.

I'm going to be your hot goth cheerleeder!!!! *gets her pom poms out* hahaha!!!!

Get back onto the shakes. I ate yesterday because I was ill, and today I've been feeling hungry since I got up. A day or two after restarting and you'll be fine.

I know exactly how you feel. Think of the amount you've lost already in such a short space of time. 1st a month is the estimate. Think of how quick its going to come off.

All that food you might crave just now will still be there when you're done. Dont lose faith in yourself, I wont xx

Loving the personal cheerleaders,
Oddly I never thought of that before, about it still being there at the end!


Thanks, again for being so lovely to me, must be annoying the hell out of you, sorry xx

 

[Krissykat]

I wasn't lying when I said that I didn't want to diet this way but in all honesty, I don't want to diet anyway, I'd like to wake up and be a perfect size 10 but as I don't have a genies lamp to hand dieting is pretty much my only option right?

I don't really know what to do now in all honesty, feeling a little lost. :sigh:

I know exactly what that's like and for every other diet I have tried I have felt the same. Besides the fact of how quick cambridge is I think something has clicked in me now and changed my mindset. I was ready to make a diet work and that's how I have succeeded so far, if you are not ready and you are not in the right place then it won't work. Its determination and will power, without that no matter how good a diet is you won't suceed.

 

[scooterchick]

So glad you came back Flower. Sometimes I would wish I could catch some mystery illness that would land me in hospital for 6 months and I'd come out thin lol! But really I don't want that to happen.

You need to try and change your mindset about the diet. Look forward to it, with every shake you have you're a step closer to the body you want. Celebrate it, don't look on as a punishment for being a naughty girl, these are your steps to freedom, you're taking control of your life and your eating.

My baby is really unsettled tonight so I'll try and reply more tomorrow. Get back on the wagon girl, we're all with ya!!!!!!!!!

 

[spangles]

Oh flower, I'm so pleased that you're think again. You've had a horrible time in recent years, by the sound of it, and it takes a lot of bravery to do something like this, that takes away a lot of the instant pleasures in life. But YOU *can* do it! Look at me: 1st august i was a size 24, now i'm a small size 16. I'm not special, i've just found my groove on this diet - which i've never done before - and although missing my comfort in food has made me sad at times, i'm so much more positive about my future: about who i am to the world and to myself, and about my chances of haing a baby, and beginning to think i might not spend the rest of my life depressed and hating myself for the choices i make about food so many times a day.

and it isn't just the diet - it's minimins. sharing this journey with so many people - painfully honest and tirelessly supportive people - has been a privledge and has really helped me understand myself better. I read your sadness and hints of loneliness and i'm excited for what the diet and this community could do for you in the months you would be here.

C'mon. Be brave and use your undoubtable strength.

 

[_Flower_]

Again thank you, I'm so glad I talked to you,

My plan was to start a fresh today but I'm now on antibiotics until Friday think its a bit unnecessary but its hard to argue with a doctor. He said I can stick to a protein diet if I must but not a vlcd but I'm going back Friday for a check up and he'll give me a yey or ney on a restart.
Guess it gives me a few days to try and get myself together and try and talk to hubby about things. That must sound really weird, not telling everything but there are things I don't tell him about my feelings, It leads to questions, which leads to emotions, which I've been trying very hard to keep under control recently, although he probably knows.

 

[ClaireCat]

That must sound really weird, not telling everything but there are things I don't tell him about my feelings, It leads to questions, which leads to emotions, which I've been trying very hard to keep under control recently, although he probably knows.

I can relate to this wholeheartedly. I keep alot of my emotions to myself. I like to make a joke out of everything to hide what I feel inside.

My usual, and most famous response is "im fine" lol! But BT isnt always right, its not always good to talk. At least, not to the people closest to you.

Thats probably the wrong attitude, but I dont think burdening the people I love most with the crap that goes on in my head really helps anyone. I think I'd quite like a therapist to rant to! lol!

 

[_Flower_]

I can relate to this wholeheartedly. I keep alot of my emotions to myself. I like to make a joke out of everything to hide what I feel inside.

My usual, and most famous response is "im fine" lol! But BT isnt always right, its not always good to talk. At least, not to the people closest to you.

Thats probably the wrong attitude, but I dont think burdening the people I love most with the crap that goes on in my head really helps anyone. I think I'd quite like a therapist to rant to! lol!

Thanks Claire, glad its not just me. Whenever I attempt to er offload stuff, I just end up feeling guilty. I don't think even a therapist would help me, maybe a year or 2 good luck would do me.

 

[_Flower_]

So I have decided to be a bit naughty and start CD on Thursday, I know if I wait until Monday its going to be harder and to be honest I just want to get the first couple of days over with. Time to grow up and get on with it, because there is no point wasting anymore time.
Feeling sorry for myself, Seems like we aren't going to be trying for a baby :cry: anymore for a while, I broke my baby finger last night and I still haven't heard from my new job so there is no point delaying the diet really. I'm already feeling better and i'm already eating nothing but rubbish,
food + flower = a bad thing.

 

[spangles]

chin up, flower. this is it - this is the thing that can make you happy.

 

[shrinkingalice]

im so glad you decided to give it another go, ive been worrying about you the past few days! You can do this, I know you can. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, you have been to hell and back but guess what, you are still here. Never appologise for having a moan or a rant or even for speaking your mind, that is what we are here for. Would all these people still be reading/writing in ur diary on here if we thought you couldnt do this or thought you werent worth it! We are all here for you no matter what and it will take more than a shaky start on cambridge to shift us xxxxxxxxxx

 

[ayshaahmad]

Fab you are giving it another go flower u can do this we all can!!! I hope your finger is ok and once the weight starts to drop off you I hope u start to feel better about yourself and more positive, Cambridge is an amazing diet with amazing results, its bloody hard, but stick to it and u will get there, keep smiling chick xxx

 

[ClaireCat]

I'm so happy you've not given up on this diet. And as Kitty said, never apologise for having a moan or a rant. We all do it. I do it everytime I start to type! lol!

If I couldnt moan and rant about it all on here, who knows who I'd explode at in the real world!

I look forward to having you back on the wagon - been saving you a seat

 

[_Flower_]

What would I do without you guys?
I'm still starting tomorrow and quite excited about it really, I've rebooked my appointment with cdc for next Tuesday so should still have a decent first week loss after 5 days.
I've been off sick today woke up with the worst headache and was really dizzy, then I fell down the stairs mid morning (never use a hand with a broken finger to break your fall :cry so spent the rest of the day safely on the sofa! Still not heard from my new job, thinking they may have changed there minds but I don't want to phone them because they said they'd contact me. On the plus side only 2 days at the horrible work and then 4 days off

 

[spangles]

ooh - 4 days off, how lovely!

 

[ayshaahmad]

Oh flower you poor thing, sounds like you are in the wars! Hope you get better soon and good luck for tomorrow!!! U can do it this time!!!

 

[_Flower_]

ooh - 4 days off, how lovely!

I know, can't wait to do nothing.

Oh flower you poor thing, sounds like you are in the wars! Hope you get better soon and good luck for tomorrow!!! U can do it this time!!!

I feel in the wars a little. I hope I can do it this time, I'm trying to be positive but I know how life changing this could be and that kind of pressure is scaring me a little