From S to L

Well I must be pretty sick because I had a very nasty fainting spell this afternoon and it's taken 2 hours for the shakes and cold sweats to calm down. One annoying thing about chronic illness is that you're so used to being sick 24/7 you usually just dismiss worsened symptoms as your chronic one until something becomes undeniably virus-like or abnormal for you 😂

I already got Caffe Nero this morning but considering I didn't keep it down when I fainted, and I'm fancying waffles, I've ordered myself a half waffle topped with strawberries and nutella, and a peach & lychee boba tea. Whether it stays down or not considering it's not exactly a bland stomach-safe food, I don't really care, I just want it. No clue how many calories are in it though, or how many I actually took in from my late breakfast, so I'll just log today's known calories + unknown, and number of meals/snacks as usual. Just a reminder that since I'm in ED recovery, I don't count higher intake days as going off track 💖

Hopefully I feel better soon, but this explains the fevers and hectic sleep schedule I've been having the last week or so! I really thought I was just overheating because of my weight or temperature regulation issues, not that I was ill with something 😂
 
Fever's gone! Still overwhelmingly tired and lymph nodes very sore and swollen but getting there. Still doing well with my eating, keeping it steady. I just hope my weight follows suit again soon but I'm pinning this week's gain on my being ill, fingers crossed Monday's weigh in reflects my eating better than it did this week 🤞

Proud of myself for managing not to fall into under-eating this week after that weigh in but I am concerned about my reaction if it goes up again. It was always plateauing at a healthy weight loss intake that would trigger me to cut calories down way too low. Whatever happens to my weight the next few weeks, I need to push through and stay in the 1000-1500 range, and remember at a healthy deficit it has to go down eventually. Eating next to nothing for a prolonged period will only weaken me and trigger me to put it all back on again when my body can't take any more starvation. Especially now my disabilities are so advanced, a relapse into restriction will only make them worse. I need to keep my focus on eating healthy instead of the number on the scale
 
Day 41 calorie intake: 1772
Meals: 2
Snacks: 2

Updating a day late as I made the mistake of weighing myself yesterday only to see I'm still 204.0lb and had a bit of a tantrum 😂 Ordered a ton of cakes from Starbucks but it turns out I can't eat that much anymore! So still within range, but I think starting next week I should aim for at least 5 days a week under 1300 and see if that gets the scale moving in the right direction again. Today's intake has been polishing off what I couldn't eat yesterday lmao. Got room for one more meal, will post today's log later tonight
 
Day 42 calorie intake: 1154
Meals: 2
Snacks: 0

Ended up not having anything else and that's probably for the best. From tomorrow onwards, 1000-1300 at least 5 days a week, with 2 optional days without a limit just to make sure I don't develop fear foods or anxiety about keeping to strict rules

Not hugely pleased about needing to establish these food rules as it feels like a slippery slope into old habits, but if my body insists on gaining above 1500 then sadly this is what I have to do. This time if I hit a wall where I plateau or gain above 1000cal, I'll ask my GP for tests to check for any underlying reason, and support/supervision to make sure I lose this healthily, instead of just exponentially lowering my intake by myself. I'm done with the starve/binge cycle. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life moving from underweight to obese and back again every few months. I lived like that for over a decade and disabled myself because of it. I learned my lesson that extreme restriction will never ever result in sustainable weight loss
 
Somehow I'm back down to 202.8 today! I stopped eating around 3 or 4pm I think though, and even though I ended up awake until 4am I didn't eat anything else. Then I slept until 3pm so basically did a 24h fast 😅 Not ideal as I shouldn't be going that long without food, but feeling better about the scale at least
 
Day 44 calorie intake: 914
Meals: 2
Snacks: 1

Day 45 calorie intake: 1718
Meals: 2
Snacks: 2

Fell asleep yesterday before I could eat enough 😬 So I treated myself to duck pancakes today 😋 Could only eat 4 so I put the rest in the fridge. I honestly think I'm at a pretty major milestone in my recovery, that I can't have true binges anymore (3000+ cal in one sitting), but I'm also still eating the right amount of food, so it's not the hunger "off switch" I experienced when anorexic either. Seems like my body is finally regulating and I'm developing normal hunger and fullness cues for the first time in my life!

I wish that was hyperbole, but I don't really know a life without disordered eating. My ED started with Munchausen by Proxy from my mother. I remember being very, very young, 2 or 3, and her strapping me into a chair for hours, not letting me leave until I finished the massive amount of food in front of me. I was naturally skinny in my early years due to food allergies and poor health, and as a severely obese woman who couldn't lose weight due to her own binge eating disorder, she projected it onto me very early on. When I got a bit older and outgrew my allergies, so my diet wasn't as restrictive, I started to gain more weight. It's like she saw herself in me and hated it, so that's when she started starving me for prolonged periods. Then she'd be jealous of me being underweight, and start a force feeding cycle. Obviously there was other abuse and neglect involved. So when social services and the courts got involved and I was able to move in with my dad at 13/14, I ended up obese very quickly because I had never had free access to food before and I was binge eating from a combination of extreme hunger from the years of f*cked up diet and also the emotional side of things. Bullying and seeing my mother in my reflection pushed me into my first restrictive cycle at 14, and from then onwards I was stuck perpetuating the whole lose/gain/binge/p*rge/restrict cycle between extremes all of my own accord

Sorry for the vent there, I guess I just felt the need to give context so I can really drive home what a massive deal it is that I'm finally, finally reaching some sort of equilibrium. It's been a hell of a long time coming 💖
 
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What a car crash of issues you had to deal with from your mother @BlueTopaz , I feel for you. And yes is certainly contextualises where you are now and how this is a positive for you.👋
 
Didn't want to read and run - and certainly couldn't put it better than tipperary. Where you are now is a testament to you - to your willpower and determination.
 
Day 48 calorie intake: 1489
Meals: 2
Snacks: 2

Forgot to update yesterday! This week has been higher than the 1200 I mentioned starting last week, but considering my weight went back down I haven't been as focused on changing what I've been doing diet-wise. I also felt it was important to try and eat as intuitively as possible after the day I unintentionally but significantly under-ate. If it's up again tomorrow, then next week I'll be lowering my intake a bit
 
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