Heaving myself back on the wagon!

[X~Libby~X]

Well after my 'revelation' as to why I overeat/eat carby comfort foods, I tried to really have a good think and try to get a handle on how I actually FEEL rather than just coming up with thoughts.

As I had told my LLC that when I look in the mirror, I look exactly the same despite having lost 2 stone, my clothes being smaller and the fact if I put a before and current picture together I can see the difference. Anyway to limit repeating myself too much, she told me to imagine the scales showed I had lost 5st but I still saw the same thing, how would I feel?

I did this exercise and for love nor money couldn't come up with true honest feelings. Everything I came up with was something I would think or do. I started trying to work out my feelings towards everyday situations or things that have actually happened and it was the same again, always something I would think or do, never feel.

It's a very bizarre thing to not be able to articulate (even just to myself) how I feel. I guess I've been doing it for a long long time but subconsciously. It's actually really messed me up. You know when it seems like you've got some faulty wiring somewhere? I got really upset about it all and found the whole situation really daunting. I think it's going to be a very very long road for me to get over this.

I ended up having a massive day of lapsing yesterday. I was on the verge of doing it all day, then my friend said I wasn't allowed and that was it, off I galloped into rebellious child and did it anyway. I'm not going to go into what I had but let's just say it was a whole afternoon of consuming carbs and sugar.

It was completely silly behaviour and I am really cross with myself though trying not to dwell on it. I spent all night last night with stomach cramps which is hardly surprising.

Hope everyone else is doing better

X

 

[X~Libby~X]

Well...I've not been on here for a few days as I've been a bit all over the place. The one day of bingeing as mentioned in my last post actually ended up being 5 days. Now all 5 days weren't binge days, just the first one but I did eat on each of those days. I didn't go to group on Sunday as I wasn't well (hardly surprising) but I went to the pop in tonight.

I said to my LLC that I feel like I've made progress. This is because the last time I did LL in 2009, I had a binge and thought 'well I've f**ked it all now' and I didn't go again. This time I thought 'what's done is done. It wasn't a great idea but I can recover from this and get back on track'.

I know it sounds a bit strange but I honestly feel like I needed to have the binge. It has highlighted behaviours and made me reassess my motivations for doing this in the first place. This is my second day of being back on plan and I went to pop in fully prepared for a massive gain but also prepared to face up to it. I ended up losing 1lb. Now this is 1lb since my last WI 10 days ago so I clearly did put on weight, this just shows I'm going in the right direction again.

I have my tattoo booked for 4 weeks on Friday and by then I need to of shifted 12lb to make it 3 stones in total. If I cheat and do not reach my target, I have agreed I will give my OH my appointment and pay for his tat instead (massive motivation right there!). If however I stick to plan 100% and drink my water etc yet for some reason do not quite make it to my target I will still get it done as I can't punish myself for the way my body works.

Hope everyone else is ok

X

 

[SuzieSuze]

I'm glad you are back on plan. Great idea about the tattoo, I just hope your OH is not going to tempt you off your diet to get a free tattoo?

 

[X~Libby~X]

Hahaha no I haven't informed him of this. He's coming with me on the day and we both have the same tattoo artist and he already has art work off my OH ready to go so my OH wouldn't find out til the day. I was worried he might start waving food under my nose! I don't think he'd do that really but i'm not risking it!

X

 

[Spanglymum]

Wow. I've just been reading your posts about not being able to articulate your feelings and can SO identify. I've been lapsing big time over the past few weeks and have gained a massive amount of weight in a short space of time from bingeing. I couldn't work out why - but it's because over the past two years I've actually started feeling stuff, allowing myself to have feelings - and it's scary and unfamiliar. I will get this binge weight off again and I hope am still learning and progressing - but I wanted to reply to your thread because I think I have similar issues.

 

[X~Libby~X]

It's a bizarre feeling. My binge came around cause I hadn't realised how much I was numbing myself with food and it was quite overwhelming having it pointed out. Last night at group we were doing about stress which was yet another big week for me as I suffer from a lot of anxiety issues which has got a lot worse since not eating.

I'm trying to sort my head out so my journey might take a little longer than I had planned but if I don't face these demons now, then when I get back into the big bad world of food I'll just end up getting back into bad habits.

Argh our minds are our worst enemies at times!!!

X

 

[X~Libby~X]

Well I went to a yoga class last night for the first time. I was absolutely terrified as my friend and I were the only yoga virgins and I had visions of me hurting myself or someone else. My anxiety set in big time about an hour before we had to go . I was shaking and felt ill but I made myself go as I knew I was being irrational.

And guess what? I really enjoyed it! I managed to keep up with the class and I had the best nights sleep last night that I have had in a very long time. Think this is going to be a really good thing for me x

 

[X~Libby~X]

I managed to get into some size 14 skinny jeans today. When I say skinny, I mean they are skin tight (they're supposed to be). They fit on my legs and are just a teeny bit tight round the waist but not too tight that I can't wear them.

Pretty happy about this as its feeling quite daunting at how far I've got left to go on LL so it was a nice pick me up.

Hope everyone is ok

X

 

[X~Libby~X]

Had my group meeting last night and am feeling a bit of a mixed bag of emotions today. I was down 3lb this week which I was pleased about. What threw me was that there was one of my LLC's locums there that I had never met before and she took the group session despite my LLC being there.

I know this doesn't sound like a big deal but I have real anxiety issues linked to meeting new people. If I know it's going to happen (like when new people join the group every 4 weeks) I really have to prepare myself. We also had a woman start a week early yesterday as next week is Easter Sunday. It was quite awkward as she sat next to me and was talking to me while all the while I'm trying to stop my hands stopping and shaking and to breathe nice and slowly to slow my heart rate. Poor woman must've thought I was very odd.

I know that it's good for me to experience these situations as its the only way I will start find it easier, I just wasn't prepared last night. I ended up in a right tizz and ate when I got home. This is something I really need to learn to deal with as I can't go through life panicking if I meet someone new and then filling my face!

I'm drawing a line under last night and starting again today. Today is a new day. I'm going to a messy play session with my daughter this morning so that'll be a distraction

Hope everyone else is ok
X