i did it....now to management. uhoh.

[FennyS]

....hadn't finished that. Naught minimins.

I think I am feeling anxious about my job situation. I have 2 part time jobs but no career. I want to be in social care (I'm a trained social worker) and help people. Saint that I am. But I need to find the right job.

I have an interview at a school for assessment and child protection practitioner, so fingers crossed for that.
I just feel anxious no it having a PLAN. I like plans.
I also think with my mum and sister being away I don't have an anchor.

However food today was good. 1300 but completely full.
Also went swimming this morning and managed 45 minutes.

At my pub shift yesterday 2 boys gave me their numbers. I couldn't believe it. I sometimes forget that I look better now and am still surprised when boys like me.
I think I'm ready for dates. I won't ring either of them but there is another boy (also from pub. Regular) that I like.
Am notoriously **** with boys tho. Think I push them away and try and test them. Because in the past I haven't felt confident enough or deserving of them liking me. I suppose that's starting to change.....

3 positives for today.
- swimming this morning even tho I couldn't be brother d. And managed 45 mins.
- really happy in own company this evening. Managed to read a book. I love reading but haven't had the concentration for it for a while.
- had lovely time at work last night. I AM fun and nice. I need to remember that more.

 

[FennyS]

This week has been a bit of a funny one.
Have been doing lots of exercise which I am starting to enjoy. Met with personal trainer twice and lived that. Is so much easier to exercise when someone is making you.
Still no news on the job hunt. Very disheartening and am now questioning my decision to quit old job. But that's silt because it was awful and bad for me.
Still at pub which really love.
Also am doing some counselling skills work to groups. Love this but is only 5 hours a week so not much money.
Me and my sister went out wed night and binged a bit.....ice cream, shared a cake, pasta, couscous, bread.
By my old standards it was nothing BUT I don't want to get into it again. Carbs are such a trigger for me....once I had the pasta I was gone.
I felt awful physically, so bloated and tired.
And awful emotionally, crocked thoughts and negative self talk.
The next morning I pulled myself together and had a good day. 1250 cals to pull back. Will try to have 1250 for the next few days I think.
I am pleased in a way, that the binge happened. I know I don't want to go back to that behaviour. I know how awful it makes me feel. And I know I would rather have this body than binge. I was able to catch myself so the binge didn't go too far. This is PROGRESS.

Plan for going forward
1250 cals for next 4 days.
Keep on with the exercise, aiming for 4 times a week.
Cut out pasta and cous cous. They are triggers and not worth it to me.
Simples.

 

[FennyS]

3 positives for today
- have eaten v well and planned my food diary for next few days.
- have done all my to do list and feel relieved.
- I feel happy to be alive today. There are so many oppertunities and so much fun to be had out there, I sometimes forget it.

 

[FennyS]

Good day today. 1600....had 2 days doing 1200 and couldn't do anymore. Went to gym yest and going tomorrow and walked ages today.
Positives- lovely coffee time with my mum (she had been away for 5 days).
Really good pub shift at work.
Wore black leggings and v tight black top to work. Felt good.

 

[FennyS]

Me and mum went to gym this morning. At 10am on a Sunday. That's dedication!
We did a plan the PT had set and was sooooo hard. Did it all tho and both now feeling v smug (but also physical wrecks).
Eating been good. 1500 cals.
Done 3 job applications.
2 more to do tomorrow, then 3 on Tuesday.
Swimming tomorrow morning if not in too much pain from today.....

 

[FennyS]

Also weighed self this morning and still 9.4. Was having v crocked thoughts yesterday....being certain I had put on weight and 'felt' fatter. Knew they were silly but thoughts v consuming. Have given myself good talking to and having 1 cheat meal (anything I want and pudding) a week.

Positives
- 3 job apps. Proactive.
- my sister rang. She is coming home on wed so we are having girls night in. Thai takeaway.
- (know this shouldn't be one but....) The scales were my friend. 9 stone 4.

 

[FennyS]

Still ticking along with maintaining. Still same weight.
Find myself thinking..."if I could just lose another 3 pounds...". This is crockesd thinking. I'm so happy with how I look. I have never liked what I see in the mirror, and now I do. I'm constantly amazed that its me.
I feel confident and worth it.

Have been doing lots of exercise, swimming, personal trainer and classes (love them. Step today, zumba tomorrow).
Still beating myself up a bit when I have a bad day food wise. And then make myself pull it back by cutting back to 1200 calories. I'm not sure if this is needed. But am constantly scared that will be big again.

On the job front: working in pub. 3 interviews this week (youth offending worker, youth worker and deaf/blind project worker).
Fingers crossed.

 

[FennyS]

I got a job.....wooooo.
Child worker for a charity. Soooooooo happy and finally job things falling into place.
Eating still low ish.....trying to build treat days in to week.
Gym tomorrow then town with sis and her kids then working at pub in eve.

 

[Tess Matthes]

Well done Fenny that is fantastic news! So glad you have a job and you feel in such a good place.

Pleased to hear you are still maintaining and doing a great job by the sounds of it!

Tess x

 

[Tess Matthes]

Haven't heard anything from you in a whole Fenny! How are things going??