Is the engagement too quick?

[kingleds]

Sorry, i may be about to disent here.....but i will start off by saying congratulations, and do what you want, not what anyone esle tells you to do!

It is my personal opinion that we as a society tend to rush into marriage far too quickly, alot of the time because its not taken as seriously as it should be.

I tend to think you need a good few years, like 5 or 6, with someone to really know them, regardless of their past being unconventional or not. I have known my OH since I was 11, and i am still finding stuff out about him 22 years on! You also need to get to the point where you get annoyed by them, and then reconcile yourself with those annoying traits. For example, my OH had a infuritating tendency to do no housework for a month, and just as i am about to loose my temper, he will blitz the house. I have just accepted thats who he is, but for years it didn't annoye. One day, about 7 yrs into our relationship i realised it properly properly annoyed me, & i told him so, he's marhinally better now (sort of) but for some, it would be a deal breaker.

I say all this as someone whose mother has had 3 husbands in the 13 years me & my OH have been together. We celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary in a week. So there is nothing wrong with waiting a bit, if thats what you want.

Either way, remember your mum is just looking out for you x

 

[jaylou]

I think when it's right, time doesn't matter. It can move as quick as you like, or as slow as you like. There are no timescales for things like "courtship" these days. Gone are the days of X amount of days before you "stay over" etc and I do believe, that as you get older, things move quicker.

First time round, together for years, married eventually, divorced after 4. Hindsight - knew it wasn't right but did it anyway.

Second time, met, moved in within a couple of months and married 4 years later. And it is perfect.

A past is a past, exactly that. Why does it matter about his upbringing, ex relationships, family situation - it doesn't affect the future or the way you feel.

In your mum's defence, she is only concerned for you, but in my opinion - we have to take a leap of faith sometimes. Would it have made a difference if you didn't get engaged but just got married in 2-3 years time? Probably not.

Good luck hun and congratulations!

 

[Rara Lara]

Hi ya, im typing one handed as ive got my baby daughter on my lap lol!!!!
I re-met my hubby january 2010 (knew each other in the past but lost touch, then found each other on facebook!!!!) Got together 23rd February 2010, he moved in with me and eldest daughter july 2010, got engaged august 2010, conceived youngest daughter september 2010, got married on our 1 yr anniversary!!! had our daughter 1st july 2011 and moved house 3rd july 2011!!! i would not change it all for the world!!!
i knew within a few weeks that he was a keeper

your mum is looking out for you, give her time! my mum cried when i told her i was pregnant (both times!) but she was fine within a few weeks, and i bet your mum will be fine about your engagement!

congratulations xxxx

 

[JezVonSavage]

I think mum's just go a bit doolally when a wedding is on the cards. Like everyone else has said, she is trying to look out for you but maybe not going about it the right way. As proof that Mum's go a bit nuts, here are a few stories regarding mine and my friends wedding.

I went out with my OH for 4 years, split up, got a new bf, the whole time I was with him my mum was like "but you should be with Alex! You are making a mistake". Split up with him and got back with Alex, first thing mum said was "are you doing the right thing?" INFURIATING!

Best friend met her hubby on holiday. Straight away he moved from Portsmouth to Liverpool and lived with her parents for 5 years whilst saving up for a house. Bought house, had son, got engaged, booked wedding for 2 years later. Mum is all happy about it, helps pay for it, then 2 weeks before wedding phones everyone up to say daughter is doing the wrong thing and can someone have a word with her. Brilliant!

 

[claire32]

I met OH at a bustop, in the dark, and we married 3 months later. That will be 40 years in June!

I love this!

 

[Claireybella]

Congratulations!

My hubbys cousin met his wife and married her within 6 months! 12 years and 2 kids on, they are still going strong! Sometimes you just know, don't you? I got with my hubby at 20 and was engaged 2 years later. We're still together 18 years later!

 

[BuzzyBee]

Congrats!
Next time she brings it up tell her: "My ex still broke my heart 7 years into the relationship. If a guy's going to break my heart he'll do it a month or a decade into the relationship"
You've wasted enough time with obviously the wrong guy.. this feels right so go for it.

 

[Tinytootz]

Well, so far I have ran all the potential venues past my mum, she met OH's grandparents and his daughter last week, and we are both bending over for her. But she is still a broken record. On the way to a venue today, she said to me "so, who's idea was this wedding?" I snapped, pointed out that this was the third time she asked me, the answer hadn't changed, and that it was getting really quite repetitive and boring, and I didn't know what she was getting at. She said she was just trying to make sure both me and him were into it.
So off to the venue (which was naff as it turns out), then as we were approaching my home, she said "are you actually going to make it official then?" I asked if she meant an engagement party, she said yes, and I said no! I don't want an 'engagement party', to me they seem outdated and a bit pointless. She still hasn't told anyone, and I swear she thinks I'm 12 and just playing a wedding game. I refuse to have a party that I don't want (and can't afford), but I simply don't know what she is playing at, or getting at.
In many ways, I think the fact that we are thinking 2014 is making her think we aren't serious! She seems to flip from one to the other, she let slip that her and dad had been discussing a horse and cart! But then that is followed by being asked if I'm gonna make it official! Maybe its because I'm not excited about her in her presence, so she thinks I'm not really into it and its all his idea. But then booking the venue, to me, isn't the exciting bit!
The only thing me and a friend can think of is if I organise a meal out with close family and close friends, see if that makes her feel any more 'official' about the whole shebang.

And breathe...........and put the wedding notebook away for the day!

 

[kingleds]

Okay, i know I was the only one who said, yes maybe a bit soon, but she sounds a bit mental, so my advice (for what its worth) is even if it is a bit soon, its up to you. Ignore her, and do it your way. At some point you will snap. i know I did with my mum & her repeated 'why don't you get married in that lovely church down the road from my house comments. The conversation finally went something like
1) Because I'm an atheist
2) Your house is 300 miles away from my house
3) Its in friggin bradford
4) We are getting married in Jamaica!!
5)Shut up about your stupid local church.

 

[Tinytootz]

I've ended up emailing her. I know, pathetic. But in person I get so annoyed, and she drags up so much stuff from the past, I want to get my word in cause I'm selfish like that
I basically said no, we are not having a party. By all means, if she would like me to arrange a meal out with my close family, his non-existent close family (apart from his daughter, of course) and my close friends then that is fine by us, but I consider a party to be pointless, outdated and a waste of money, as would a sausage roll and a sherry round here. I also said that I may not seem excited, but it can feel a bit awkward and cringey looking at wedding venues and bridal suites with your parents. I said that I would like them to see the venues etc, hence why I always invite them, but if she would rather I did the rest alone, or with friends, then that is fine. I also reminded her that for years she told me when I get married, I was to speak to my Aunt or my Nana about it as they aren't her thing. Alas, one is dead, and we don't speak to the other.
Its a shame, as I know she is excited about it, as is dad in his own "when can we do a food taster/what car are you getting" way, but she is blowing hot and cold (at one point this afternoon, she was wittering on to the man at the venue whether they could do menus with our names at the top in a nice font....), and I am finding the fact she hasn't told anyone rather upsetting.

The book is still away, and I will discuss it with OH when he gets in, as he is more worried about my mother than me, he just wants her to be happy with it all!

And I await an email giving me a right rollocking, or a phone call with her in tears as I couldn't say it to her face so had to resort to emails.

 

[Tinytootz]

And I appreciate your honesty Kingleds. In many peoples eyes it is too soon, hence why I started the thread. If you had asked me a year ago about someone in a similar situation, then by jove, it is way too soon. But it feels right

 

[MissSlinky2011]

I got engaged to my husband after two weeks, we got married a year to the day we met and four years later we are still incredibly happy and in love, I was 21 and he was 22 when we got engaged.

I think when you know that person is the one then time doesn't matter.

I now know that if we had waited for another year before getting married my nanna would have died 3 days before our wedding, and if I had postponed for another year my dad died Feb 12th last year. So we got married when we were meant to.

My husbands dad was a very bad man who beat his wife and children and is now in jail and on the sexual offenders list after sexualy abusing my husbands 8 year old cousin (my hubby was only 9 at the time) - my husband hasn't seen him in 17 years. But my husband is nothing like his dad and peoples pasts and upbringings don't define who they are.

I think people often forget that our grandparents and their parents would meet and marry within months and divorce was practically unheard of. My nanna met and married my grandads after 3 months and they were made for each other Love isn't defined by the length of time you know someone

Massive congratulations

X x x

 

[bevhunter1986]

I got engaged to my husband after two weeks, we got married a year to the day we met and four years later we are still incredibly happy and in love, I was 21 and he was 22 when we got engaged.

I think when you know that person is the one then time doesn't matter.

I now know that if we had waited for another year before getting married my nanna would have died 3 days before our wedding, and if I had postponed for another year my dad died Feb 12th last year. So we got married when we were meant to.

My husbands dad was a very bad man who beat his wife and children and is now in jail and on the sexual offenders list after sexualy abusing my husbands 8 year old cousin (my hubby was only 9 at the time) - my husband hasn't seen him in 17 years. But my husband is nothing like his dad and peoples pasts and upbringings don't define who they are.

I think people often forget that our grandparents and their parents would meet and marry within months and divorce was practically unheard of. My nanna met and married my grandads after 3 months and they were made for each other Love isn't defined by the length of time you know someone

Massive congratulations

X x x

That's sweet!!! now I don't feel so bad about thinking what I do! Pm you about that though x

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[Supergirl1980]

I haven't read all the replies yet (I will do later but am about to go and pick the kids up). I don't think it's too quick at all, but that said, me and my other half seemed to have fast-tracked our relationship. We met in June 06, I found out I was pregnant in december 06. He moved in with me in April 2007, we got engaged in june07, our daughter was born that august and we then married in feb 09 and are coming up to our 3rd anniversary. I was 26 when we met and had never had a serious relationship before him but when I got pregnant we talked about our future as I knew I was serious about him and wanted to find out if he felt the same before we decided whether to continue with the pregnancy.

I think that at your age you are quite capable of making decisions and despite your mum's concerns your relationship isn't exactly quick. It's not like you met and got married in a matter of weeks! Ultimately, you know what feels right for you and it is up to your mum to come round to the idea by herself, not for you to persuade her.

Congratulations on your engagement!

 

[Shirleen]

I would offer her the alternative to getting married, which will still be you two living together, perhaps having children and the only difference is that you aren't married.

Congratualtions!

 

[lardylady]

I met my OH in November 1996 and we were married in August 1998. My family were worried about me, because I was widowed very young in 1993 (I was 25 when my first husband died.) and they were concerned that it was too quick the second time round. 14 years later, we're still happy and very much together. My cousin, on the other hand, was engaged for 11 years and the marriage lasted less than 12 months! If it feels right, then it is right.

 

[mrsgosling3]

I just found this. I don't think it's too soon. I met my husband in July 2001 when I was 22.. I moved in pretty much instantly and he proposed less than 3 months later. we married in June 2003 - a month before my 24th birthday. We had been together 23 months and 1 day. Just because you got engaged doesn't mean you have to rush a wedding. 10 and a half years later we are as happy and as in love as ever. I think when you know you know. Mums are just doing their job and that's looking out for you but if you are happy then it's never too soon xxx

 

[Tinytootz]

Well, it is booked now for June next year, and the mother has been around for most of the process so far. I thought she was 100% cool with it, till I got in tonight! She picked OH up from work tonight as she was passing, and pretty much grilled him the way home - "why do you want to marry my daughter?" "I am so shocked over it all" "I never thought she wanted to get married". Now, she didn't do this in a nasty way, but she is short and Scottish (not that its an excuse!) but she can be quite intimidating to someone, especially someone who is trying to make a good impression!

So I called her when I got in, asked her about it (after she told me to watch Gok teens, as some of those girls are going through what I went through.......I pointed out I am long past being a teen, but it fell on deaf ears. She was also telling me about Jo Brand putting on 3 stone on the pill or something, as she is convinced that is where I went wrong, despite the fact I wasn't on the pill, and despite the fact she knows this, but I digress.....), and pretty much told her she is going to have to stop. She says she is fine with it, but then keeps asking these questions. I don't think she realises she is doing it half the time!

But yes, next June is D-day. I am still consulting her over things as I think its wrong to push her out totally, but I am aware that most of it may be done alone

 

[MissSlinky2011]

My dad had a formal chat with my hubby asking why he wanted to marry me and stuff, I thought it was quite sweet that he was looking after his little girl. I really miss him

X x x

 

[Rara Lara]

My Nan and Grandad met and married within 6 months, they were married very nearly 65 years!!! (My grandad died on 3rd December last yr and their anniversary was on christmas day, so he just missed it!!!)
I think when you know, you know xxx