Thank you girls - it's really sweet of you all to post.
xx
Wow, u really are having a tough time... Much hugs xx
If u find it therapeutic then keep on writing, u know well I write every detail of my boring life just to get it out!
It does seem like u have been working a lot more than usual, are u doing more hours just now or a heavy workload that's weighing on ur mind??
Aside from that tho, have you had a quiet weekend at home recently?? I know u like to do things with the bairn etc but maybe u need a time out for yourself. As for sitting at home feeling like ur life is wasting away, I think we all go thru stages of that. It sometimes feels like there is no end goal, but u do still have things u want to achieve, unfortunately day to day living slows down getting there but you will, we all will.
And just remember in a few years u will be desperate to spend time with the bairn cos once he's a teenager u might be ditched for a younger girl!!
I know I'm blithering rubbish but it made sense in my head!! xxx
Thanks Mave! Funnily enough, the past week or so work has gotten much quieter - where I've finished one project and have a new one starting. I can cope with work pressures, I'm used to it. And my new role should be much easier, or less pressured at least, than my old role.
Something that doesn't help though, is that I am on call a lot. Now its usually money for old rope, we are a fairly stable system so I don't get paged very often. However, you do need to be near an access point for your laptop (i.e. either dial-up or broadband connection, we're not allowed to use other people's wi-fi, and they won't give us a dongle). Therefore I can't just get up and go out for the day quite often. Which is really frustrating. I am craving a nice day out with the little man, as we spend too much time stuck at home, and when I finally get a day we can go out, it either pisses down, or like yesterday, was my sister's birthday shindig. Which was great, don't get me wrong - but I am feeling like I need to get out out, not just round someone elses house. Sound like a right spoilt brat don't I?
But, on the upside, I do have next week off work. I still haven't decided whether or not to go camping, or just do days out based at home. I will have a think over the weekend. I'm on call till Monday morning, so can't go anywhere till then anyway.
And I do love spending time with my wee man - it's the evenings once he's gone to bed that are the problem. Our life seems to involve rushing about all over the place, but never actually doing anything! If that makes sense anyway? But again, I have next week with him, then a week or so after that, his Dad is on call, so I get him for the whole weekend, and I'm certain I'm not on call - so we get some time together. We can have a day out, AND have a day bumming around at home.
I think that's really good advice Maverick. Pinkie, I'm sorry about how you're feeling at the moment. There's nothing worse than that feeling that there aren't enough hours in the day and that all there is time for is work and "responsibilities". It's good though that you have special occasions to look forward to. I think it's a great idea if you write down how you feel and just knowing someone is listening is sometimes a real help. Hope you don't feel too bad for long and that it is just star week. You're a really great gal and so funny, wise and interesting, you always make me feel happy when I read your witty posts! Xxxx
Cheers Jules. It's prob star week, worrying about my Nan, worrying about the bairn (though that started the day I found out I was pregnant, and will continue till the day I die! lol), worrying about/juggling money, and a build up of feeling bored, pointless etc etc etc. But I do know what to do to help lift me out of it - and writing is definitely my thing. That and little things to take care of myself. If I do go camping next week, I shall take my 'Therapy Book' with me and do lots of writing in that. And hopefully finish off my Rupert Everett book too - that is a funny read, I did another chapter last night, but fell asleep on the second again, ha!
I think it's a great idea to write it down. It helps to get some clarity over what you want and how you feel and it can help to be able to reread things when you feel a bit differently. I agree that some little targets will be helpful but make them achievable. Don't expect to be able to do everything at once. Try to think about one thing at a time and then work on the others when your targets are achieved.
I'm sorry to hear about your Nan. I will be thinking of her. I hope that the surgery goes ok. If you can't make it to visit, you could always give her a call so that she knows you are thinking of her ? I'm sure she would appreciate that.
Big hugs Pinkie.
Gail xx
P.S. For Maverick and Lil'Sausage who I know read your diary, I'm sorry for not being on your threads for a while. I am planning to get back there but I couldn't keep up with everyone's while work was so busy. (nothing personal !) I've managed to pick back up Jules thread now so I will be there soon.
Thank you Gail. I've just spoken to my Dad, I'm going to meet him at the hospital around 11:30. Apparently it isn't surgery she's going in for today, it's a CT scan (?) - to investigate what the lump/blockage is. We'll know more then. It's all really sad though. I think for the first time ever I'm just really coming to terms with what my Nan dying means for her and me, and my little boy too. She's just always been my Nan, she's always there - and she's always OK.
Aw, sorry to hear you feel so blah Pinkie. We do understand, I have been there!
I think that people have 3 main needs. Love, security and significance. How these needs are met vary from person to person. Sounds like you need an injection into each of these areas! For me they are met through my faith. I believe we are created, we are loved and we have a role to play in this world. At times it is difficult stumbling our way through a world that often seems unfair and cruel- or just down right boring!
I am sure that with some positive steps you will find your way again and in the meantime, rant away!!
Xx
Hey WG - thanks for your thoughts. A lot of what you say rings true with some of the counselling I've been through in the past - and for me it is often about finding love and happiness within myself. I am very hard on myself, I was never a person to sit about - and evenings spent doing so, with only a house to care for (once the bairn is in bed I mean) - just isn't me. But, it is part of my role as parent, so I need to make the best of it!
Anyhoo, I went out for my run this morning, it is getting easier I am sure of it. Managed the 25 mins relatively OK, though I was starting to struggle by the end.
I've spoken to my Dad and am going to pop up and see my Nan.
I'm going to cycle the bairn to Cubs, then cycle to WI and back later - really trying hard to be active as much as possible.
I am also going to tackle that bloody ironing later. Does my head in, and a messy house does not improve my mood. I am a bit of the tidy mind, tidy environment ilk.
I have also decided to shell out some cash and get my old decorator in to do my kitchen. I think that will cheer me up a little too. lol the rest of my bonus is going on a new bathroom sink, and when I can afford it in a few months, I'll buy a bath and get them both fitted!
So thanks once again girls. I really did need to let off steam, get that clarity back. I'm gonna shimmy off and have a wash so I'm ready to go to the hospital when my Dad calls.
Mwah! xx
