Jessica Rabbit72's diary 4/1/10 - 7/2/10 now closed.

You have to ask yourself can you see yourself living your life without him in it. You're angry at the moment and making any decisions in that frame of mind isn't the best. You may think you r communicating with eachother but in fact you may both be holding back. You need to really talk it all out. You may find you don't want to lose eachother after all. He has to understand that it's about compromise on both sides. You could look at it as a fresh start. Learn how uv both changed, what you both want from eachother and your future and work towards that. Or go get some counciling together. Maybe you're not meant to be together but make sure you hBe spoken openly together so u know where u both stand. Sorry just my opinion but sometimes the things that r most special r right under our noses and until they're gone sometimes we don't see it.

So how's cd going today so far? Hope you're ok. It's awful when relationships are hard. I've had it tough for years until my eyes opened. One thing tho is I made my decisions when I wad content in myself and anything after that was a bonus to my happiness.

Hugs Hun xxx
 
Jess,

If it helps, my parents divorced when I was 8 so my sister and I had to grow up a heck of a lot faster than a lot of my friends did because we had to help mum out. However we were still kids, we had our fun times and we had fun. Your kids will be happy if you are happy and it can be surprising how much friction they can pick up on.

I'm pretty independent and have achieved a fair bit in terms of moving countries etc. I have no doubt in saying that my upbringing helped with that.

We had to move to the other side of the country for a few reasons. I'm not going to lie and say there weren't down sides too but don't stay just for the kids.

What I'm trying to stay is don't just stay for the kids. If you can work it out, great, there's no doubt that is better for the kids but don't let that just be the only reason.

LC
 
hey everyone sorry not been around today but feeling very lousy and kids have been off so havent had chance to get on pc. I will reply properly to everyone when this awful cold goes - Im hoping it doesnt turn into flu.
hope you all okay - am off to be
see you tomorrow and keep up the good work
xxx
 
be better soon hun.

xxx
 
Hope you are feeling a bit better today Jess. Thinking of you.
 
Hey people sorry went awol but was really ill with cold - still have snotty nose and sore throat sound like Im ill but dont feel as bad as I did a few days ago.

TOTM has also arrived so can see myself getting back on track to ss on Monday.

have spent the morning at a friends house to update her on all the relationship saga and since being on here and talking in depth to her and also my Mum on Tuesday night - I have made my own conclusions that I am only here for the sake of the children.

I need to decide how and when to end the relationship. Ive never done it before and really the end of this relationship is nobody's fault its the classic of Ive grown and he hasnt and essentially he wont grow with me and wont be able to change.

Things will always be my fault (in his eyes) and he doesnt bring out the best in me and he doesnt really know me at all.

I can imagine life without him and when i think of him leaving I just keep thinking about how the children will react so there's my answer.

I also think it has alot to do with my weight and that is why I have yo-yoed in that when Im not happy I punish myself with food.

I need to spend the next few months making myself happy and then it will cascade to the children etc, but unfortunately I think long term to be happy it has to be without OH as my HB.

sorry for the deep post but writing it down has helped - I just dont know how to tell OH really - cos I dont want him to go off on one and drag the kids into it and blame it on me - we have got to be very careful how we phrase it with them as they are not the reason and I dont want blame to be apportioned infront of them and playing one parent off against the other - any ideas gratefully received.......................

Hope you are all doing okay and I ppromise more upbeat posts from now on!!!!!

xxxx
 
Oh Jess... no advice but a big hug. Really feel for you honey.

xxx
 
Same here Jess, so sorry but here to support you. x
 
Hi Jess,

I can't tell you how to tell your kids but I can tell you that whatever my parents told me was very simple. I can't remember exactly what it was but just keep it simple. I'm sure there's a few good parent divorce etc boards out there that could give you some tips too, and also how to protect yourself beforehand ie legal advice..

As you said, the most important thing that you and your OH need to do is keep the kids interests number one.
 
Hon............
I have know wise words....... i wish I did....... but just wanted to say your right in doing what you feel is right for you all in the long run hon!!!!
love and hugs coming your way and hope it all works out the best it can for you all... xxxx
 
Hey everyone - thanks for the posts it really does help knowing I have support on here.

Its funny when Im on my own in my own thoughts I know exactly what I want then when all the family are around I keep thinking I just cant do it to the kids and then think I could be alot worse off.

There isnt anyone else involved or drugs/drink/domestic violence etc we have just grown apart and as I said before I dont think he will change as he is quite old fashioned and traditional and Im sort of traditional but not old fashioned (if that makes any sense)

I have been on some of the websites for kids and separationa nd divorce and i just dont think Im ready to take that step yet.

Ultimately I think if we did a compatability test we wouldnt score highly together as we are opposites in alot of ways and yes opposites attract but I feel like alot of the time Im having to support him and be the adult in the relationship and he tries to wield power by telling me I need to do as Im told!

Living like we are now isnt awful but we are becoming more like parents who communicate about the day to day running of the house and the children but 'we' as a couple have become lost and when I bring it up his response is - well things change when you have children and the children are paramount - but he forgets that our (mine and the kids) lives revolve around his work and his hobby, so his life hasnt changed never mind that I have a much better paid job than he does and is alot more responsible and stressful and Im running round like a headless chicken trying to keep all the balls in the air and keeping everyone happy!!!

We have a family holiday booked in June and I have thought tonight that Im going to give it till then and see how the land lies as I cant expect him to change overnight and over the xmas holidays he has been helping out more but we will see how long it lasts.

Im off work at the moment with stress and I think that it is grating on him as according to him you have go to work even if you are dying and nothing can get in the way of work, as your job is paramount cos no job means no money no house etc......... but my GP reckons Im nowhere near ready but he just doesnt get it.

So after all that ramble Im going to start back on reclaiming the old me and looking forward to discovering the new happier me and get back on track with cambridge on Monday.

Thanks again girls for the support and advice and hope you are all okay.
xxx
 
Hi jess,

It's awful you're going through this. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you and we'll all be here in the next few months. Afterall life has everything to do with this diet.

Nite xxx
 
Hi Jess, I'm sorry you are going through a rough time! I've been there with my DH as we are complete opposites in many things and our marriage hasn't always been easy. We have settled into a comfortable marriage (doesn't sound very exciting but is far better than the constant highs and lows) and we both love each other dearly but being so different we have to work at it and there's a lot of compromising being done all the time.

You have done a wise thing - postponing your decision for a while to make sure you are doing the right thing. Leaving and starting a life on your own can seem very exciting (and probably would be) but the reality of not being a family unit anymore can hurt more than you imagined. Use the time wisely! Don't think that he will change - you have no control over that. See if there is anything you can do to change things for the better. I'm not saying you are in the wrong, just that you can only change what you can control and the ripple effect of changing your own behaviour can be great. For example - I used to get so wound up that DH did not help around the house much and it would cause huge rows as he felt that the 2-3 jobs around the house (diy) a year would compensate for me doing everything on a daily basis. I decided to stop getting wound up about it and not complain anymore. Instead I ask him to do stuff (in the same way that I give the children chores) and he happily does it in his own time. Yes it is frustrating that he can't remember to take the rubbish out on a Monday night or that he won't do it the second I ask him, but it gets done eventually with no arguing. I have had to learn to chill out a lot and let things go when it's not done the way I want it, but things have improved a lot as a result.

Sorry - I didn't intend on banging on about me but just wanted to let you know that it's not easy being with someone very different to yourself, but it has some wonderful benefits. I've tried lots of things I would never normally have done, I'm forced into being more social as I can be a bit of a hermit whereas DH is the life and soul of every party (ok not quite!). We have endless discussions around politics or religion as our views differs and it makes for an interesting evening (sometimes ending in a strop ;)). The only thing we truly agree on is how to bring up the children. We have minor differences in terms of the specifics, but that's more to do with DH having a shorter temper and me being a besserwisser when it comes to the kids (oh yes - I am ALWAYS right!).

Take your time - see if you can change how you react to your DH and see if this change in turn affects your DH's behaviour. As I have books for anything going on in my life (plenty of puppy books on order at the moment) I have also read a few on relationships - I can recommend this one:

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Amazon.co.uk: Susan Page: Books

I haven't read the whole book, but dipped into it trying a few different things out to see if it helped and it has some suggestions.

Take it easy - look after yourself and your family!
 
Alli says all that I wanted to say, but a lot better than I could have said it... a LOT of wisdom here. I also have a relationship that has had ups & downs, and several times come dangerously close to rocks... but I am glad to still be with OH even if he drives me scatty at times. I echo what Alli says about not trying to change the things you cannot control, but finding other ways to improve the day-to-day. It seems that some couple-time, a few weekends away with kids with grandparents maybe, could help you connect a bit more.

Having small kids is very stressful, and you do lose yourself to mummy-mode, and it's not a nice feeling... but single mums do not have it easy, trust me... I think you are wise to wait and not act in haste. If you do end things, know that you have tried everything possible to make it all work, and that way you will have no regrets on that score... can you try some couples counselling maybe? The weekends away? Talking, honestly, about what needs to change and why? (Does he KNOW how close to the edge you are here? Knowing how unhappy someone is can make the most traditional soul a little more flexible).

Big hugs Jess, and as Sunshine has said, we are here for you...

xxx
 
Hiya Jess, hope your day has been a good one and i hope you've had some head space. It can be good sometimes to step back and let yourself relax a little about it to give your head a break. I took this advice when my 1st marraige broke up and it saved me from having a nervous break down.

Thinking of you xxx
 
Hi Jess

Just echo-ing what everyone has said, that we are all here for you, whenever you need us.
Hope you have had as peaceful a weekend as you can do, and you have managed to have a little 'me' time, which as I know, isn't easy to do.

Thinking of you x
 
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