Feel much calmer and more rational this morning.
Talked it through with my husband and he pointed out I didn't actually stray from what I'd planned, and that in the past I'd have eaten twice as much and yesterday was still probably only half of a 'normal' binge day for me.
I recognised that what I was really upset about was buying a load of chocolate (3 Krispy Kremes and about 3500 cals worth of thortons) that I didn't actually want, and that I felt I was self sabotaging but as he pointed out, I had 1 Krispy Kreme and about 500 cals worth of chocolate and stopped when before I'd have kept going even if I felt really sick.
It was still stupid to eat it when I was full and didn't want it, but he also reassured me lots of people who don't have food issues overeat at the weekends. That doesn't make it OK, but it also doesn't mean that I'm still in the same emotional headspace as I was before I completed the plan. I was being stupidly harsh on myself and I've recognised the following:
1. I stopped eating the chocolate and though I ate til I felt a bit sick, I'd normally plough on through and keep eating until everything was gone. I didn't do that - I recognised the potential for it and stopped.
2. I binned the rest of the Krispy Kremes and chocolate last night so I wouldn't be tempted to do it again today - I'd NEVER have done that in the past, I'd have kept anything left (despite feeling horrible for it) and have repeated the mistake today and again felt horrible for it. So I've learned a lesson.
3. Next time, if I want a doughnut or chocolate that's ok - but I should only buy what I'm happy to eat that day. If I feel I want more the next day that's fine, but it means I can't mindlessly eat stuff I don't actually want just cause it's there. I'm not going to buy chocolate or sweet stuff during the week either - it's too tempting and because I don't feel full from the cals I think it makes me eat more to make up for it. Weekends only - and only enough for the day. If I want more once I'm settled I'll have to get off my backside and go get it.
4. And sort of on that note, I don't need to keep eating after I'm full to get 'value' out of the weekends. I have to learn that feeling really full from a gorgeous meal is enough for me and that once I reach that point I musnt eat any more. I don't have to have sweets in the cinema if I'm already full from lunch- it's still a lovely trip without sweets. That's going to be so hard for me to recognise as I feel I have to get the maximum 'food value' out of a trip even if I don't really want what I'm eating. No idea why - one for my counsellor I think! I need to accept that if I 'save' on my weekly allowance that's great. Even if it's only 1000 calories a week that's still a lb off a month with no effort.
5. I had planned yesterday. I didn't do what I've done in the past; weeks of sole source to goal and then huge binge and never getting back on track. I finished the plan. Actually worked the steps and finished it. With exercise. Ive never done that before - I haven't failed myself, I've successfully completed plan but I'm finding it hard to accept the following:
6. One day of over eating rubbish does not a fat girl make. 7 days a week of MASSIVE overeating and no exercise makes a fat girl. I'm not a fat girl. I'm allowed to have the odd binge (as most 'normal people' do), I just have to rein it in for the rest of the week. Only I can make the decision not to be a fat girl - there's a big self sabotager in me and she's a nasty little bratty ***** who stamps her feet and sulks 'but I want MORE' but I'm not listening to her anymore - I'm a grown up now and I'll have enough- but not too much.
7. As planned, maintenance starts today. My weeks will run Sunday - Saturday in terms of calories and gym sessions and each week I'll update on how many calories I've had, how much exercise I've done, and how my weight looks. My TDEE based on my weight, height and exercise is 2450 a day (so 17150 a week to maintain) and I do suspect that's a little high but I'll give it a couple of weeks and see. It's inevitable I'll end up a lb or 2 up due to water weight but if I've above 12st 4 this time in 3 weeks I'll know I need to adjust.
8. I have to trust myself. I stuck to the steps, I now exercise regularly, I have a plan, and I can stick to it. I'm not a fat girl anymore.
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