Kats cambridge diary - first timer

[katsparkle]

so I am 38 but I have been told I look much younger, I have always been overweight, which is strange because when I was in my teens my family was struggling and i dont remember us ever having any food, but hey ho, thems the breaks.

I have never had any confidence in myself, this stems back to many things and a very turbulent upbringing. I remember being 12stone and thinking i was so fat, then 14 stone, then 16 stone and so on, I can hardly believe I am over 21 stone, its actually incredible to me, how did this happen??? I'll tell you how it happened, years and years of telling myself i wasnt worth looking after, years of denial about what i look like...its weird because i look in the mirror and think i look ok, then I see a photo of myself and its a massive wake up call.

None of this is helped by the fact that my husband is very fit, marathon runner, slim, good looking etc etc

I know i have a pretty face underneath it all and when i take head shots you wouldnt even know that i have a problem, but just this weekend i was browsing through old family photos, and im in none of them, because i dont like being photoed, so god forbid anything should happen to me, my kids wont have any pics of us all together, this makes me feel like **** and they deserve more than that, its a simple thing but my father passed when i was younger and i only have 2 photos of him, so i guess its kind of a big deal to me.

next is the way I dress. oh my word, i hate everything i own, i dress in fat clothes, i dress like an old lady, im a trendy childlike character, im quite juvenile really which is possibly why its taken me so long to be honest about who i am and the fact that its my responsibility to change myself.

i cant afford the cambridge diet but my mother came to visit me last week and offered to pay for me to have a gastric bypass, which says it all really. i told her about this diet and she offered to pay for me to do it.

last year i lost weight on the atkins and went down to 18stone, and i looked and felt great, then i had to stop due to financial restrictions and piled it all back on because of my relationship with carbs.

today is day 2 and I am doing better today than i was yesterday. i am slightly annoyed because i have to go out for a meal next weekend because last year i won a writing competition and this was my prize to meet with publishers over lunch. i will just have to be very careful about my meal choices but dammit its a michelin star restaurant.

my goals are as follows

starting weight 301lbs (eep)
first goal 252lbs (18 stone) - what i got to last year on atkins
second goal 224lbs (16 stone) what i was when i had my son
third goal 196lbs (14 stone) when i met my OH
fourth goal 168lbs (12 stone) when i was at high school
fifth goal 140lbs (10 stone) dunno???
final goal 130lbs (9st3lbs) within my average weight for my height

 

[katsparkle]

Well I made it through the day on 3 shakes, this morning I am struggling again, it's purely mental though because I don't feel.hungry, it's just my brain saying eat eat eat. So this is day 3. I got through yesterday by reading everyone's inspirational stories, and looking at amazing photos. Will be doing more of that today. I'm just trying to get through my first week strong, and then we will see what happens.

 

[katsparkle]

I made it to day 4 , from what i have read of everyone elses diaries day 4 is the hardest so i am slightly freaking out although if i am honest i actually feel fine, just worried about falling off the wagon. I have been open and honest with people about the diet, i want peoples support and not to feel ashamed about the fact that I am actually doing something about my situation. i have had mixed 50/50 responses from people, most people warning me of how dangerous it must be - although I dont see how it can be any more dangerous than stuffing my face full of reeses and pizza so there you go. I dont care what they think anyway, its usually naturally skinny people who are unsupportive.

My husband however has been really supportive, he has been very resentful of my weight for years and hes just happy that i am finally doing something.

The hardest time for me so far is night time, just sitting and watching tv is impossible I just want to go to bed so i dont have to think about food.

All in all I am feeling very positive and I am sure that i can do today, and today is all I am focussing on....until tomorrow

 

[Spolly]

Hiya Kat!!

Well done on making it to day 4.. The first few days are tough, so to get through is a fab achievement!!

I'm starting again on Saturday.. I did the diet a few years ago, and lost a fair bit, but lost motivation and have decided I'll give it another go having put it all (and more) back on. Good luck and I wish you all the success xx

 

[katsparkle]

Hi Spolly!

I have several mini goals because i think if I go for the full 11 stone that I want to lose then I will freak out and stuff my face, so im doing it in smaller increments. I see we are a similar starting weight so it will be cool to watch your progress - make sure you keep me posted!

My house has never looked cleaner, I have been going from room to room cleaning just to distract myself from thinking about food. Although I am not actually hungry but the habit is the thing I am trying to break.

Good luck!!!! I hope it all goes well for you

 

[Spolly]

Will do. You too!!

I'm worrying if starting on a Saturday will be hard, but I don't want to keep doing the 'wait till Monday' thing, otherwise I'll never get started...

Take away tomorrow night as a farewell rubbish food, then I'm all over Cambridge!!!! xx

 

[katsparkle]

i had a kfc the night before i started and it was a rubbish one so that made me feel better about giving up food.

i agree about the wait til monday thing, i only had to wait til monday because we were visiting family that weekend and i thought it would be too hard to start then. end of day 4 now, today was hard!!! but its over!

 

[katsparkle]

day 5 - its hard , but the difficulty is in the breaking the habit i think still, im not hungry.

last night i went with my husband to the theatre, i had my shake before we went and drank water throughout the performance, my mouth felt horrible and after a while i felt trapped and like i wanted to eat. I think whats been really helping me keep on target with this diet is being distracted, the play wasnt that good and as soon as i got bored i wanted to eat something, i think that says a lot about my relationship with food.

 

[Carrie39]

Hey Kat...well done on starting Cambridge it sounds like you're determined to get the weight off...good luck wit your journey and keep us updated. I think the CD makes you start to think about your relationship with food, cos when in ketosis you're just not hungry!...so eating for other reasons

 

[katsparkle]

Hi carrie,
I am determined at the moment lol, but i know that its a moment by moment thing, will power is not something that is magical its something you have to work at, i agree with you about staying in the zone, thats where I like to be.

I was on the atkins for a year and lost 4 stone, most of that in the first few months, but i stuck at it, thats why i believe in myself this time, i have never managed to stay on anything for a year lol. fingers crossed it wont take me that long on this diet.

 

[Catherinej]

Hi Kat

I'm on Day 5 too! SS. All going well but dreading tonight and tomorrow night cos I like my wine or vodka on the weekend! Oh well, its worth it for a few months to get back to my size 10 wardrobe! I

My story is, gave up smoking and over a couple of years piled on 4 stone! Time to get it shifted now

Catherine x

 

[katsparkle]

if it makes you feel any better catherine i wish i was 14 stone!!! lol

day 6 has been the hardest so far, i made an amazing dinner for my family which i then couldnt have which sucked!!! i also made dinner for the next 3 days as well so that i dont have to cook, i find that the hardest.

but day six is over!!! yay

 

[katsparkle]

end of day 7 = omg the weekend was so hard, i really struggled this evening, in fact i struggle when i have to interact with other people because i just want to get on with my own thing. still doing it though, havent crumbled yet, but i have been teetering on the brink all weekend. went to a fancy ice cream parlour this weekend, made loads of amazing food for my family but i still havent partaken.

i have to go out for a meal on friday - its been planned for months and i forgot about it. i will eat low carb and keep my fingers crossed.

anyone who thinks this diet is the easy way out is crazy =its sso hard

 

[fitfatseesaw]

Hi Kat
Just seen your 1st weigh in ... Totally Amazing! I bet you're glad you resisted your home cooked meals and the ice cream parlour now!
Well done. You'll be at your first mini goal before you know it.
xxx

 

[katsparkle]

yes im a third of the way there already in just a week, i know next week my loss will be much less and i am mentally preparing myself for that. what i need to remember is any loss is a win as far as i am concerned, in fact even stasis is a win.

 

[katsparkle]

Havent posted in here in a while but I just wanted to talk about me a little bit.

So I have lost 26 lbs so far and it feels great and then occasionally i get this panic and think omg what if i actually do it this time, what if i lose weight and become thin, what if i actually succeed at something i am trying to do.

I feel like my whole life is a series of failures, and i am not trying to be dramatic its just a reality about me, i get close to something i want and then i deliberately sabotage myself. I got into Uni and i messed that up, I got a good job and then i messed that up, and over the years things i have gone for i never actually complete because i have worse than a fear of failure, failure is the norm, failure is acceptable to me, i have a fear of success!

I spend my entire life dreaming about being a better me, being slimmer, getting published/optioned. becoming a hairdresser (?) becoming a psychologist, becoming this that or the other, but i never do any of it, or i start but i dont finish. I am sick of daydreaming, sick of wasting my time thinking about the things i cant or dont have. sick of the regret that comes with being overweight and my crippling lack of self confidence. I dont take my kids swimming, i dont like holidays i dont like shopping, i dont like doing anything for me, i focus my attention on other people and then i dont have to make myself better. well enough is enough.

Here is one of my biggest problems with losing weight, and its silly, but i like it, i like what comes with being fat, i like being invisible, i like not having to deal with people, because people dont talk to me, im not one of those jolly fat people who are the life and soul of the party, i am the miserable aggressive one in the corner that people are frightened to speak to, and when they do speak to me, i am often confrontational and quite erm....blunt. Its all part of my armour. But its not just protecting me from people , its protecting me from having a life, its stopping me. I had a very unique and turbulent upbringing, I dont ever talk about my childhood because it sounds like one of those tragic danielle steele novels and it really doesnt ring true. I think the fact that i locked that person away is part of my overall issue. I eat to feel secure, i eat for comfort.

a brief little history : when i was a kid we moved abroad for my dad to work, his business plans fell through and he became involved with some criminals and became an accountant for them, all the while never actually making enough money to pay the rent, etc, in the space of 4 years we lived in over 25 different homes, usually just for a month until we got evicted, the country was non english speaking and i spoke the language but my mother didnt, by the age of 11 i was used to dealing with bailiffs and "heavies" coming to kick us out because there was no one else there who could. my father would disappear for months at a time without paying the rent or leaving us money for food, occasionally we would get help from friends to eat food, but i would live on one bread roll a day (no filling) for my school lunches and lentil soup for dinner if i was lucky, sometimes the store would give us out of date eggs if we asked for them, we were beyond poor. we were also in quite a lot of danger at that time because of the nature of my fathers work, i was semi oblivious to it. On top of this i was experiencing bullying at school for being the foreign kid and it wasnt long before even less savoury characters figured out I was basically parentless - i would stay out til all hours just roaming the streets and doing all kinds of dangerous things like playing on building sites and breaking into derelict buildings. even the little family we had out there didnt really know us, and did not help us out. I also suffered abuse (the icky kind) from a neighbour, a shopkeeper in our street, 2 of my cousins and 4 boys at school. Yes life kind of sucked for me at around that time. eventually my mother lost her marbles a bit and stopped looking after me altogether, my dad was awol annd my siblings had left home, so it was just me and her, i was the parent, i was 12, i had to miss school most days to make sure she was ok. eventually we moved back to the UK and my parents split up after us literally being homeless for a few weeks, someone in my mums family paid for us to come back and we moved into my aunts fish and chip shop - ah yes what better place to live than a chippie when you are 13 and pretty much emotionally screwed. so then i started to eat...and eat...and eat. I put on weight, slowly at first but then i noticed something, the more i ate the more people left me alone, boys didnt want to go out with me, people didnt want to hang around with me. I met one boy who was like an angel, he was my first kiss and my best friend, long story short he was killed in an accident and yet again i was alone, still 13, i decided to give up on myself - this was around the time when i used to believe in god but i stopped there and then, knowing for certain that life was pointless and blah blah blah other miserable stuff. so i just kept getting fatter. it was my body armour, i couldnt be in relationships. Then after not hearing from my father for 5 years, we heard he was in a coma and i should go and see him in the other country, i couldnt do it, i was too afraid, he died and i have always regretted not going. I actually managed to conceal for most of my life my general disgust and phobia of men, most people just think i am a b*tch but the fact is i dont let people close. then i met my husband, he was lovely, we had a son, we had a daughter, we got married and now i am HUGE lol. my husband really is a control freak but i know he deserves better than this, he loves me but he cant stand the way ilook and i dont blame him.

im doing this for me, so that i can stop being afraid to have a good life and stop worrying that every man i am ever likely to meet has some seedy alterior motive. i just got unlucky. anyway this was unusually honest for me, i dont normally engage in this level of honesty because i know how unbelievable it all sounds.

i am determined to be the best version of me possible, and not the frightened little girl trapped inside this fat body.

thanks for listening

 

[katsparkle]

so i feel pretty good today, got an early night, i always get a bit emotional and nostalgic on the last day of my time of the month, hence the depressing post yesterday. going out for the day with the family today so that will be hard. hope everyone sticks with it

 

[Nikie]

Wow. You gave been through so much Kat......I have so much more to say but am typing on my iPad and im rubbish at writing on here!!! Will be on laptop later and will give your post the proper response it deserves then xxx

 

[katsparkle]

Thanks nikie, my Autocorrect changed your name to Julie Andrews just then, how bizarre lol

 

[katsparkle]

Getting weighed this morning. I have been on three shakes and a sneaky treat this week, all low carb but I wonder how it's affected my weight loss. Originally I was told I should have the evening meal but I prefer sneaking a boiled egg because it feels like cheating lol and for some reason that helps!!

Was awake several times in the night, maybe I'm worried about my weigh in or maybe it's just a ketosis thing.

My breath is rancid I'm taking this as a good sign.

Today I have set myself the job of making a story board on my wall today for my novel. I HAVE to finish it by August at the latest and I need to resubmerge myself into the story because I'm forgetting basic parts. So I'm going to do a big crazy plan wall as though I'm solving a crime, it might inspire me. Been asked by the people who ran the comp I won if I wouldn't mind being filmed when I visit the publisher, so that's even more incentive to lose weight. It's all keeping me focussed!!!

Also looking forward to putting my weight into my weight loss app. this is my 4th week!!! Cannot believe I stuck it out for a month!!! Here's to many more months with losses to show for it!