yeah got a bit of gossip
I had two really good nights
actually feeling so happy atm which is just such a refreshing change. After struggling with my depression and finding the past 6 months very hard after the break up from my ex whom I wanted to marry I have found life very difficult. Its just one of those things in life, a culmination of events and you just feel smothered and unable to cope. This is a bit heavy and not what I initially intended to write but it feels right and its what Im thinking and feeling.
We broke up in June and it was messy and for the next 6 months I kept sleeping with him, because we share the same friends it was impossible to avoid him and we fell into old habits. Apart from I got none of the good things, I was just used for sex and I allowed myself to be used. This meant that I didnt really move on or deal with the break up properly and he treated me like absolute crap, slept with me and other women and I allowed it because I had such a low opinion of myself. I thought, who else will have me?
At NYE, like all the other drunken nights before we ended up together at my house. and when I woke up he was gone, like always. I then went on to fb and saw all of these photos with another girl a couple nights before and I just felt truly broken. I already have so much to contend with, why am I making life so hard for myself? I am miserable and lonely and I have no self respect or love. So I just decided. Thats the end. I have to fix myself. I can see myself falling to old worrying patterns, that have previously led me to two hospital stays. But I am better and stronger than then. I have to fix it before it gets that far.
I wrote this huge list of things I wanted to change, I separated that in to two, things I have control over and things I dont. and I started therapy. I cant believe in four short weeks the change in myself. after 6 long miserable months. Its like this fog has lifted. I know its not over and there is lots of work to still be done. But I feel amazing. I stopped going out so I didnt have to see my ex and I just feel like all those strings are gone! I feel free. I am losing weight, Im sorting my head out and I am fixing a seriously poor start to my last year at uni. I am pulling it all back. I am also constantly preaching self love and positive thinking to myself and it is working! I never thought I would go for that, but really, how else can you change yourself and your behaviours? Just keep telling yourself and one day you wont have to because it will just come naturally!
So last night was the first time since NYE that I caught up with most of my friends. I had a huge catch with a friend of mine who is also a Polycystic Ovary Syndrome sufferer. She is big like me and truly understands a lot of what I go through. We are the only big girls in our group. She just asked me 'Whats changed?' she said she could see a light in my eyes that she hadnt for so long. I felt really touched by that. I dont really talk to my friends about my depression or the things that make me sad, so for someone to notice so much with so little information, I really felt like she got me. I explained that I had lost 1 1/2 stone and I felt like something in my head just finally clicked and that I felt so happy.
We both then joined in a group of people talking, some my friends and some new people I hadnt met. I was so confident and happy and I loved making everyone laugh, I felt like I was me again. My friend kept making eyes at me so when I got the chance I asked her what she obviously wanted to say
She thought that one of these new guys we were talking to liked me. He had at one point said, you are so smiley, I love that! - very sweet! I laughed it off and pointed out he was talking to our beautiful size 8 friend and that I thought he wanted a piece of that, who wouldnt! However, later on we happened to be left alone in the kitchen and we were chatting away and he suddenly said to me 'Do you know what I find sexiest about a woman? Confidence, and you have it by the bucket load, its so attractive' and then he promptly kissed me.
hahah shocked doesnt quite cover it. This guy is like miles out of my league. Hes a bleeding athlete!
I cant stop smiling.
I dont think anything will come of it. I think it was a spur of the moment bit of passion lol but I dont even need anything to come of it cos it made me feel bloody amazing!
BLADY HELL!
sorry for the essay guys. Seriously feeling the love today.
I also want to thank all of you guys, I feel like this diary has seriously helped me, very cathartic. You kinda made me feel like I have friends when I felt alone in my life!
In other news, does anyone watch new girl? cos the kiss was kinda like that - and watching that - it blew me away!!!
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