HappyBunny2013
Full Member
End of Day 8 
Met a friend for a playdate and lunch today and felt on the spot at lunch so chose a goats cheese salad without tomatoes. It had dressing though so I'm a bit worried but it's all I've had all day (not ideal I know but it's a one off) so hoping it won't do any damage *fingers crossed*
I was so sad to hear about Robin Williams today and it really made me think about something, it's a bit hard to articulate but I can't say I've ever really struggled with depression (had a few dark moments over the years but wouldn't say depression) though I have come very very close when I was at my biggest. I don't like saying that because it makes it sound like I'm trivializing depression and making it about looks or something, that's not it at all. I felt so trapped inside this big body, didn't recognize the person in the mirror, every joint ached and I could almost feel the stress on my heart trying to pump blood around my enormous body. I didn't want to get dressed because that simple task got me so down, I hated leaving the house or bumping into people, my day would instantly be ruined if I got a glimpse of myself in a window or a mirror. I had no confidence in myself and it spilled over into many areas of my life, it stopped me doing so many simple things that even now I take for granted. My feeling is this, Robin Williams so so many like him struggle with similar (I'm assuming much worse) feelings all the time, regardless of their weight, financial situation, love life etc etc. I on the other hand am lucky enough to only be a "circumstantial sufferer" that's probably not even a real thing, but my circumstances made me feel that way nothing more. A few stone off and even though I'm still obese I feel like a new woman, all that darkness has left me thank goodness. There are so many women who I've said before in this diary, I envy so much, who are able to still be *happy* whatever their size and the sad fact is I'm honestly not. All my happiness was hugely muted, even on the happiest day of my life when I had my daughter I wouldn't have my picture taken, when forced I felt so shocked as I simply didn't recognize the mother in the photo.
It might sound vain but I truly don't think it is I think it's a lot deeper than that.
My point is, that has really brought it home to me just how important this journey is for me. Lifesaving in a sense (in that I need to live, not just sadly exist like I had been doing. I'm really really lucky that I have the "get out of jail free card" to escape that dark place by just losing a bit of weight when some people are plagued no matter what. It's time ty count my blessings I think and continue on this road to a better life mentally.
Met a friend for a playdate and lunch today and felt on the spot at lunch so chose a goats cheese salad without tomatoes. It had dressing though so I'm a bit worried but it's all I've had all day (not ideal I know but it's a one off) so hoping it won't do any damage *fingers crossed*
I was so sad to hear about Robin Williams today and it really made me think about something, it's a bit hard to articulate but I can't say I've ever really struggled with depression (had a few dark moments over the years but wouldn't say depression) though I have come very very close when I was at my biggest. I don't like saying that because it makes it sound like I'm trivializing depression and making it about looks or something, that's not it at all. I felt so trapped inside this big body, didn't recognize the person in the mirror, every joint ached and I could almost feel the stress on my heart trying to pump blood around my enormous body. I didn't want to get dressed because that simple task got me so down, I hated leaving the house or bumping into people, my day would instantly be ruined if I got a glimpse of myself in a window or a mirror. I had no confidence in myself and it spilled over into many areas of my life, it stopped me doing so many simple things that even now I take for granted. My feeling is this, Robin Williams so so many like him struggle with similar (I'm assuming much worse) feelings all the time, regardless of their weight, financial situation, love life etc etc. I on the other hand am lucky enough to only be a "circumstantial sufferer" that's probably not even a real thing, but my circumstances made me feel that way nothing more. A few stone off and even though I'm still obese I feel like a new woman, all that darkness has left me thank goodness. There are so many women who I've said before in this diary, I envy so much, who are able to still be *happy* whatever their size and the sad fact is I'm honestly not. All my happiness was hugely muted, even on the happiest day of my life when I had my daughter I wouldn't have my picture taken, when forced I felt so shocked as I simply didn't recognize the mother in the photo.
It might sound vain but I truly don't think it is I think it's a lot deeper than that.
My point is, that has really brought it home to me just how important this journey is for me. Lifesaving in a sense (in that I need to live, not just sadly exist like I had been doing. I'm really really lucky that I have the "get out of jail free card" to escape that dark place by just losing a bit of weight when some people are plagued no matter what. It's time ty count my blessings I think and continue on this road to a better life mentally.
