Licking the Lid of Life....my esoteric diary

[lickthelid]

The hypnotherapy actually was amazing. I wasn't sceptical as such but was interested to see how much it could 'cure' me and I was pleasantly surprised. It took three sessions and it's not uncommon apparently to feel the need for a top-up at some stage so I wonder if that's where I'm at. The problem being the cost is prohibitive really. I use food as a control thing. The more in control I feel in other areas the better my eating patterns. So I therefore would be labelled an emotional or stress eater.

At at the end of the day, hypnotherapy aside it's only my well being at stake and therefore only me who can change my relationship with food. I have said before and I stand by the fact that you are never completely recovered from an eating disorder in the same way an alcoholic can never really have a positive relationship with alcohol. I will always be at risk of falling off the wagon and of using food as a crutch or a reward. It's how I deal with those impulses in the long term that will dictate how well I keep the weight off and hopefully become a "naturally" slimmer person!

 

[Rae Rae]

The hypnotherapy actually was amazing. I wasn't sceptical as such but was interested to see how much it could 'cure' me and I was pleasantly surprised. It took three sessions and it's not uncommon apparently to feel the need for a top-up at some stage so I wonder if that's where I'm at. The problem being the cost is prohibitive really. I use food as a control thing. The more in control I feel in other areas the better my eating patterns. So I therefore would be labelled an emotional or stress eater.

At at the end of the day, hypnotherapy aside it's only my well being at stake and therefore only me who can change my relationship with food. I have said before and I stand by the fact that you are never completely recovered from an eating disorder in the same way an alcoholic can never really have a positive relationship with alcohol. I will always be at risk of falling off the wagon and of using food as a crutch or a reward. It's how I deal with those impulses in the long term that will dictate how well I keep the weight off and hopefully become a "naturally" slimmer person!

Completely agree with this. I too am in recovery from an ED. It truly is the hardest thing in the world. An alcoholic can abstain from alcohol but we need food to survive. I honestly do think it's an addiction. I haven't binged now in 20 weeks and funnily enough thats the same amount of time I've been on sw. I definitely think sw is the way forward for me and think therapy alongside sw has 'fixed' me. Of course I worry that I will revert back to the old me but at this moment, I'm being positive and taking it one day at a time xx

 

[liquoricet]

Me three. FWIW, I think looking at the how and why can be useful. Previous attempts to slim were driven more by wanting to look better/be healthier/fit in. I think you do need to be able to accept your body -not that it won't change, just that it's the shape it is and not disconnected from you.

This time, I want to lose weight more for my body. I want to be able to run faster. I'm not that bothered about being a size 12/getting to a 'healthy weight' I want to have a bmi of less than 30.

In the end I think the key is about choice. If I am told what to eat or that I can't have something I rebel. If I can talk to myself, negotiate, remind myself it's a choice I'm making because I don't want the negative consequences it's easier. (But not easy).

I talk to myself a bit like my 3 year old. Of course I can have some chocolate, would I like an options or fudge? I remind myself that the big bag of chocolate I like has quite a few I'm not keen on and that I could choose not to and buy some that I really like instead (but maybe after weigh in).

The problem is you have to make a decision to change.

I've been craving those sweets you get in liquorice all sorts that are jelly round with sugar dots (like hundreds and thousands) on. I think I'll have to get a packet after weigh in!

 

[lickthelid]

The idea of not standing out is not standing out for the wrong reasons. I can't describe how it felt when I realised that people wouldn't look at me now and think ooh look at her she could do with dropping a few lbs. They may still do this or they may never have done this but the thing is now I no longer care. I totally get the physical need to be fitter and stronger and for our bodies to be the best they can be but I, as shallow as it may seem; want to be admired. I don't think I have ever had that. Now a get little flickers here and there and its niiice. .

Am I shallow? Maybe.

 

[liquoricet]

I don't think that makes (us) shallow, we're all sociable creatures. But i do think it's easy to worry about what other people think and then stop living your life now. Once we stop doing that it's much easier to get on with things. Also as I get happier in my own skin I'm less likely to overeat.

I've never really been slim so it's hard to imagine what it'll be like!

 

[lickthelid]

I think our reasons across the board for wanting to lose weight are more complex than having a few ideals aren't they. No-one can deny the benefits of being fitter and healthier but it's the myriad of other nice things that come with it that give us the impetus to carry on. Discovering things we never had...like, as you say, feeling slim. I picked up a top the other day in a charity shop. It was a 14 but looked so small. I still bought it thinking well of it rides up or is a bit tight it will be ok in a few weeks.

Im currently wearing it as I type. At what point will I pick up a top like that and go ooh that will fit? That's when I know MY perception of my size has adjusted. Can't wait! X

 

[babycake]

i'm all nicely caught up.

Talking about perception.-

So many people think that if you are fat its because your lazy! and that all you need to do is stop eating big massive fatty portions of rubbish and eat healthy!!
Dur.......if it was that easy we wouldn't have got fat in the first place.

Getting to the size we are / was is a very personal thing. I've done lots of thinking and soul searching on this. One of my bosses passed a comment last week that made me think deeper. He said 'but you don't eat loads, I just thought that this is how your ment to be' Bless him. in his own way he was trying to be kind and supportive.

I eat alone..... usually in the car where nobody can make me answer for it. I spent years of my childhood being bullied at school and ignored at home. I wonder if I became this size to be noticed!
In life i'm always the one that puts maximum effort into things, sort out stuff that nobody else thinks of, organises the best doo's. The life and the souls of it, but when it comes to thanks and praise i'm usually at the back of the queue and they always run out before they get to me. Its heart breaking. I don't really do the things I do to get anything more then satisfaction out of it, but it would be nice just once to feel appreciated.
How do I react? I eat. I 'treat' myself to a mcdonalds, kfc, pizza, subway to cheer me up. Also when i'm stressed I starve (unintentionally) and then binge.

Here is an example of a recent event - i'm part of a ladies dart team, have been for over 8 years. I'm usually the one that has to step up when the captain and vice are away, do the book, sort the football card, ring in the results ect. When I had my last baby I got a few well wishes on facebook from a few of them but nothing else, even having been rushed back into hospital with a DVT and PEB. When my friend also on the team had her son 6 months later she got cards, presents, vouchers!!! sucks!!! but it gets worse.
I was very ill in September and had to have surgery and then rushed back in with complications, I was seriously ill for weeks. I missed signing on for the current season. Not one of them bothered to get the forms to me to sign up. My own mother is on the team and even she didn't say anything ( 2 years ago i'd signed her up because she was away) !! When I was finally well enough to go to a match the vice actually said ' you cant play, your not signed on, We thought you weren't bothering anymore' FFS!!!!! as a side issue not one of them had bothered with me for the 3 months i'd been ill, even to ask if I was coming out for darts. Flip to another girl on the team that was hospitalised in june for gastroenteritis, I got a message asking for £5 towards her get well flowers and present from the team. Needless to say I never saw any flowers at my hospital bedside!

Sorry to flood your thread with my ramblings but I think I've made my point that we all have our own very different reasons for being how we are and that all these self centred 'always skinnies' can step off

 

[Seacrest]

Wow, there are some hearbreaking things on here. Big group hugs all round I think.

The deeper psychology behind all of our reasons for being as we are & what we wish to be are very interesting. There is no doubt that we each have our reasons, and those reasons are very deep-felt. I am not sure I even understand my own reasons for why I eat / don't eat, and why on occasions I know i eat too much and yet do not control myself. After those occasions I despise myself for being a pig; I even have an agreement with my OH that he will stop me eating if he thinks I am taking too much. Conversely, I can successfully fast (as I am today), and be in control of my intake. In fact control is important to me, and I dislike myself if I feel I have been uncontrolled. Nevertheless, on occasions I am uncontrolled, and do not stop myself. I am not sure I reward myself with food, but I do like to think of food, and I am to a degree rewarded by the thought of food. I enjoy nothing more than going out to dinner - even if the morning after I regret the fact that I have gone. I have been like this for years, and I have no idea of the origin of my thoughts. I do wish I could break my habits, but don't appear to be able to!

Incidentally, it would be a mistake to beleive that those who are 'naturally' thin don't have these problems too. I know of several people who are naturally (or unnaturally through their own control mechanisms) thin who suffer considerable psychological disturbances in the same way. They are simply more fortunate in that it may not physically show.

 

[babycake]

Wow, there are some hearbreaking things on here. Big group hugs all round I think.


Incidentally, it would be a mistake to beleive that those who are 'naturally' thin don't have these problems too. I know of several people who are naturally (or unnaturally through their own control mechanisms) thin who suffer considerable psychological disturbances in the same way. They are simply more fortunate in that it may not physically show.

Defiantly a valid point. I wonder if the people that make the 'just stop eating' comments are in fact deflecting from their own problems? I will think about this a bit more today.

thanks seacrest for giving me another view to explore:hmm:
xx

 

[lickthelid]

When I "liked" the posts it was not the content as such but a validation of our ability to share and experience some catharsis.

This is journey is a rollercoaster

 

[lickthelid]

Saturday 22nd Feb

Where has the month gone??

can anyone else believe that Feb is nearly over. I know it feels shorter due to..well..being shorter but still!!

I'm feeling good today. Plenty of green tea, Twinings seem to have realised that green and flavoured tea is de riguer at the moment and have yet more flavours. I popped to tesco for two boxes of Buttermint and also picked up some green tea with salted caramel. It's very nice. But I spent £7.50 on three boxes of tea bags!!!

They help me feel in control though. Like I'm indulging but in a good way so what price slimness?

happy weekend everyone!!xx

 

[Willbeslimjen]

Home bargains have twinnings blends for 69p a box. If you dont have hb apparently Qs order from the same suppliers.
Have a good day

 

[lickthelid]

Don't have home bargains (I don't think) but we do have QS so I'll check them out!! Thanks
x

 

[Rae Rae]

Saturday 22nd Feb

Where has the month gone??

can anyone else believe that Feb is nearly over. I know it feels shorter due to..well..being shorter but still!!

I'm feeling good today. Plenty of green tea, Twinings seem to have realised that green and flavoured tea is de riguer at the moment and have yet more flavours. I popped to tesco for two boxes of Buttermint and also picked up some green tea with salted caramel. It's very nice. But I spent £7.50 on three boxes of tea bags!!!

They help me feel in control though. Like I'm indulging but in a good way so what price slimness?

happy weekend everyone!!xx

Ohhhh what does the green tea with salted caramel taste like? I'm drinkin green tea with lemon and peppermint tea like it's goin out of fashion....this is coming from someone that only normally drinks water aswell.

Joined group today so will let ypu know how it goes over the next few weeks xx

 

[lickthelid]

Ohhhh what does the green tea with salted caramel taste like? I'm drinkin green tea with lemon and peppermint tea like it's goin out of fashion....this is coming from someone that only normally drinks water aswell.

Joined group today so will let ypu know how it goes over the next few weeks xx

Yes do I'm really interested in how it might improve upon at home apart from the obvious of being weighed!

the green tea with salted caramel is quite different. You can really smell the caramel and its kind of like a smoother green tea? They do a caramelised apple green tea too and another new one the name of which escapes me. My favourite it's still butter mint but I drink a lot of green tea too, mostly plain or with cranberry but I quite fancied trying these new ones!

 

[lickthelid]

Oh my god. Its gingerbread green tea. And twining a have a 3 for 2 offer on their site. Right.....

 

[Rae Rae]

Oh my god. Its gingerbread green tea. And twining a have a 3 for 2 offer on their site. Right.....

The gingerbread one sounds no nice, it'd be nice at xmas aswell xx

 

[Happy Holidays]

Theres a Polish shop near where I work & they sell lots of different teas, my fav at the mo is Orange & Mint (well that what the picture says!!!), orange is good for digestion iykwim!!!

 

[NotsofattyPatty]

Great to see you back Sam. Your humour has been missed.

I wonder if it wasn't just the end of your SW membership which caused the slip - up but also the fact that you were beginning to feel more 'normal'? If I remember correctly you were beginning to get compliments and felt more 'at ease' with yourself. Perhaps you needed time to come to terms with this and to accept the 'new you' before you could move on? It's well worth making a list of reasons for continuing to lose weight as they most likely won't be exactly the same as they were when you first started out on this journey.

Enough philosophising for now - I'm off to search out these fantastic-sounding new teas!

 

[Gwella]

Great to see you back Sam. Your humour has been missed.

I wonder if it wasn't just the end of your SW membership which caused the slip - up but also the fact that you were beginning to feel more 'normal'? If I remember correctly you were beginning to get compliments and felt more 'at ease' with yourself. Perhaps you needed time to come to terms with this and to accept the 'new you' before you could move on? It's well worth making a list of reasons for continuing to lose weight as they most likely won't be exactly the same as they were when you first started out on this journey.

Enough philosophising for now - I'm off to search out these fantastic-sounding new teas!

Agree completely, I'm having a bit of a weight loss crisis too at the moment (Do I still really want this? Do I want to stick to it for the rest of my life? Is it worth the effort? Will I really see that much of a benefit from all this hard work?). I'm taking lots of time to think it over and think in real depth about what I truly want. Sometimes the heart needs time to catch up with the head and vice versa...