Lighten up!

[Enough]

Evnin

went to my CDC for the first time in a fortnight - and in two weeks I've only lost six pounds. I know this is great compared with other kinds of diet, and I'm fine with it, but I'm not leaping around with delight. I have 9 days before my next infertility appointment and my weight will affect their decision about what they will allow/recommend. I really didn't want my weight to have to be part of the decision, and now I'm having to come to terms with the fact that I can't be 12.7 or less by the end of the month. I'll be lucky if I'm 13.7. I'll live.. but it's more likely to be without kids than it might have been if I'd started this just a few weeks earlier. No value in regrets, and all I can do is my best from now.

But let this be a lesson to you folks if you're at risk of being in my situation x

 

[spangles]

Oh honey. Can you be "too sick to attend" and hope they reschedule in a month's time?

 

[Enough]

Lovely idea spangles .. thank you for thinking of me.. the nhs cuts mean they're getting rid of the fertility service in our area.. they're being made redundant in May so I was one of the last through their books.. not sure what happens next but i guess I'll find out on the 1st March..

I know! I'll make a graph of my weight so they can see the trajectory of course! They will be able to see the progress and might then let me have the treatments after all.. it's not going to harm.. we'll see.. it's all in the lap of the gods really..

Glad i thought it through on here though..

Thank you!

x

 

[Enough]

soo tired this evening.. I just don't have the energy to stay up.. going to have some more water and see if that helps.. haven't had my fourth pack yet either so I'll have that when OH gets home - mm.. soup, I think.. chilli.. glad I have some spares these days so I can choose

night x

 

[iva]

I've just found your diary!

fingers crossed for your appointment at the clinic, I have one at the end of march as well, my bmi will also still be too high, but they did say I could have clomid if I lost a decent amount. However we've discussed it and decided that we will concentrate on my losing weight and our wedding later in year, and then go back for the clomid which has a better success rate with a lower bmi. We're fortunate that I think there will be no problem with taking that extra time.

If your local fertility clinic is closing could you not be referred to the next nearest one?

 

[Enough]

Hi Iva! :welcome2: to my diary

I think they're likely to prescribe clomid next but they haven't til now because of my weight and also I've recently had ovarian drilling and I'm on metformin - which I needed first for clomid to have a chance of working... I could have done with more time to loose weight too before starting on it - and I'm not sure whether I'll get it or not - or if they have any other plans for me - they might suggest something else entirely - who knows..

the clinic is being disbanded with an improvement to priorities for services in the area.. meaning they're not going to be providing the service in the nhs locally anymore.. but there'll still be some non specialists around - like my gp might prescribe the clomid (but they don't necessarily know what they're doing with the stuff).. or we might be looking at trying one cycle of something before they are made redundant..... who knows... I'm happy I've had the chance to have the ovarian drilling cause that would have been a certain 0% chance if I hadn't.. and the rest is in the lap of the Gods..

tbh, if I get to 45 and don't have kids, I suspect I'll come to terms with it quite well - I could adopt/foster/share my love and energy with people in other ways - I don't have to make an extra person in this over populated world to love and nurture when there are so many of us all ready.. can't pursuade myself that at the mo haha - not with this hormonal clock deafening me!! but I think I will once I'm there.. we can only enjoy life in the present and see what happens...

Hope all goes well for you Iva x

 

[Enough]

tired now.. tried to achieve tonnes today and not sure if I managed much of it.. some bits I suppose.. loads more to do and done nothing in terms of the house so it looks like I've done absolutely nothing.

I've done much better than I'd normally do in terms of eating though, on a day like today - serious comfort eating zone normally - but today I've had a porridge, a shake, and a bar. It does mean I only have one soup left available to me (when normally at this time of day I'd still have two) - but it also means I haven't rammed half the kitchen down my throat just to feel like I'm getting something done - when I'm simply not!

eating is the same kind of unhelpful distraction.. it's a way of feeling like I'm doing something useful.. which I am if I'm needing the food.. but I'm not if I'm not needing the food!

I'm starting to build an image of myself as a healthy, well balanced, emotionally stable person who loves to do healthy things, and doesn't want to harm herself. It's only a sketch at the moment, but I'm adding detail and colour to this image every day.. I'm getting somewhere useful, I'm sure

 

[Enough]

My OH has had me in stitches this morning converting song lyrics... and then I came on here and spotted the thread "I want to lose it, lose it!" and for the first time, I could hear it being sung:

Reel 2 Real - I Like To Move It HQ [1994] - YouTube

OH was playing with the lyrics of

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dajn9Bk24CY

singing: I've got pie but I'm not a pineapple, I've got hair but I'm not a hairbrush hahaha

(etc.. I'm not sure it's so funny written down!! hahahaha!!)

I'm going to think of some anthems to get me through this diet and for the long term..

any suggestions?

I GOT A SALAD [SONG] 5/24/10 - YouTube

haha - this is great! haha

I WANT TO BE HEALTHY [SONG] 6/1/10 - YouTube

That's made my day!!

see you later - have a goodn!

x

haha!

 

[Enough]

very full of milkshake and feeling a bit sick.... like I've downed it far too quickly but I didn't..I drank it slowly... honest..

struggling tonight - not with a desire to break CD.. just feeling tired and a bit rubbbish.. think I'll have an early night
:zz:

good night x

 

[iva]

sleep well, hope you feel better in the morning x

 

[Enough]

lol - your words of wisdom have worked wonders!! - that was last night - and I felt great this morning - Thank you Iva!

 

[iva]

haha I'm half asleep myself, and didn't look at the timing lol.

Think it's time for ME to go for an early night.........

 

[Enough]

Had fertility appointment.. as expected.. haven't lost enough in time to win their sympathies.. and they're closing... left feeling very sad....

So.. deep breathe.. their advice..
Keep loosing weight cause it might happen naturally
keep taking metformin
If still no luck by June go back to GP and they might be able to refer me to another GP who has a special interest ("gpsi") who might know what they're doing with giving me Clomid.. but should be Clomid and artificial insemination.. but that's not likely to be available now they're closing down..

Private ivf is an option but about seven thousand ish..

So.. I'm now relaxing with OH and he's cheering us both up.. what a star

What will be will be

 

[iva]

well at least there is the possibility of getting clomid.

could you not have artificial insemination privately? Sure I saw that on the info I got from our local clinic, it was £700 I think.

fingers crossed that the ongoing weightloss works though and it happens for you xx

 

[Enough]

Thank you iva!

..think you'll need to look at the small print on the price you've seen - that's ofetn the cost for the initial consultation and scan/blood tests!!

http://www.londonwomensclinic.com/images/uploads/downloads/Price_list_London_V13.pdf
Even the £5900 package says in the small print:

Please note that screening tests, IVF medication, ICSI (£1,100), Blastocyst culture/Assisted Hatching (£500), any hormonal assessments during treatment, sedation fee (£300), embryo freezing and storage (£500) and HFEA license fee (£75) is additional – per cycle.

Additional costs I've seen in the small print have been things like £4000 worth of medication, or each blood test £50-£100!!

...let's hope CD will sort me out

Thank you Iva!

xx

 

[iva]

I have to confess I didn't look very deeply as we decided we'd not take things that far. I'd be happy to try clomid but not the invasive treatments. I *am* fortunate to have one daughter and I know this, she took almost 2 years to conceive, I was over 7 yrs younger then and a little lighter, so I'm hoping weightloss will turn back the clock somewhat but time will tell. I've been trying this time now for about 19 months. I probably would have drawn a line under it by now, however I don't feel it's fair to my OH.

My husband (daughters Dad) was killed in an accident 5 yrs ago, so this is all a 2nd chance for me, If I was still with him I'd likely not try for anymore. However my new partner is fantastic with my daughter and altho he is not pushy at all, and happy to be her 2nd Dad, I'd just love him to experience the whole thing from the beginning if you know what I mean. I also think he's very young to give up on the chance of having his own children as he is 12 yrs younger than me :giggle:

Anyways sorry I just hijacked your diary with my life story!

Lets hope we all manage to get pregnant and stay healthy!

 

[Enough]

Blimey iva.. your situation puts things into perspective again.. I'm looking forward to six months-to-a year from now when we're both talking about keeping the weight off whilst pregnant

I completely understand what you mean re your OH.. he sounds lovely.. and your husband so sad.. so sorry for him/you..

You're a strong and brave woman for embracing the future - What a woman!

I left my ex three years ago, moved house and met my OH all in a short time, and I'm only just starting to be truly 'here' with him, rather than thinking of my OH as some kind of holiday from normal life or something.. and that was something relatively minor, planned and not traumatic - so how you've managed to pick yourself up, look after a child, look after yourself and meet someone wonderful AND be present in the moment rather than stuck in the past is AMAZING!! hat's off to you!! xx

so - here's to our futures.. with lovely partners, baby-filled bellies, and all eyes to the future - with loving memories which we cherish and happy futures to look forward to

xx

 

[Enough]

quick diary entry before heading out for a weekend away (although I bet I'm on minis on my phone while I'm away!)

..had a much better day today - stuck to CD yesterday despite my moments of sadness, and have done today too (although I've had my last pack for today which is a bit wubbish!

I've re-thought the news from the clinic too, and set up a game plan for myself:

CD SS+ for March
up the stages for April so I can be off CD for my holiday in May
back into CD SS+ mid May
CDSS+ May and June. Se GP end of May and look at getting clomid.. by then I'm hoping to be: about 11 stone.. GP should be happy with me for that by then... and my body should be better equipped to deal with carrying a babe

... we'll see....

 

[iva]

That sounds like a fine plan! I like to have those sorts of plans as well

As for me, I'm no super woman, I had my time of grieving, and had plenty of darker days, but having my daughter to look after pulled me through. I also have fantastic friends and family, and the last couple years I've had my OH as well, so I've had a lot of help to get to this point. I also kind of believe that 'what's meant to be will be' so that attitude helped me accept what happened and just get on with things. The thing is that experiences like mine change a person, safe in the knowledge that life can be short I usually manage to appreciate all the small things and live life a bit braver than I did before. It probably sounds weird, but altho I'm not grateful for what we went through I AM grateful for the lessons I have learned, and I'm happier now than I ever was.

Hope you're having a fabby weekend!

 

[Enough]

I love the fact that you have gained such a sense of appreciation for life and living life to the full !! I truely believe that even the greatest tragedies can have gifts for us that we could not predict

X