Minerva's on a mission!!

Awww min . Massive hugs hun . And good for you putting yourself and your health first , I certainly wouldnt consider your decision a failure , more a strategic change of game plan ; 0) we all make the decisions that are right for us at that particular time and being able to ebb and flow with the tide of life is a skill that many dont have. So good for you for going after a different goal and enjoy the joys of renovations . We have a big old georgian house whuch consumes all my oh time when hes home . But the joy at seeing it transform onto something weve created is amazing xxx
 
Min. Once again I have nothing but admiration for you. It takes some serious 'balls' to make such a huge decision. I know it must have been very difficult. Sometimes in life we have to face up to the reality and make a u turn. Not everyone is brave enough to do that hence there are so many people in jobs, college, relationship wishing they were doing something else.
You do sound like you're happy and relieved (?) you've done it now. Plans to focus on job hunting and home improvements sound great though.
4 lbs loss is great Hun! Especially given the circumstances. Well done! I know what you mean about tweaking your plan a little. That's what I'm kinda doing too and I feel much better for it. Not weighing every week seems to have been a good decision too as I feel much more in control and less paranoid about not losing weight so thank you for that!
:)
Have a great weekend! X
 
Hello...

Thank you everyone for your support. :) I'm... um... hm... In all honesty I'm feeling really awful. I feel like a failure, like I'll never achieve anything and feeling really lost as to where I can go or if there's any point in anything. I'm amazed as to how much this failure/panic attack has shifted my mentality, it's as if I was chained to a boulder at the top of a "happy cliff" and it's been shoved off. I'm being dragged into a black abyss and there's nothing I can do. I'm so tired, emotionally and physically, all I want to do is sleep and forget this life exists... :(

BUT HAVING SAID THAT... I am keeping busy... because if I let myself stop, I'll sink into the quicksand. I'm tidying the house (it's filthy...!), organising the redecoration and am looking into jobs. OH and I are planning a drive around Europe in early June (wish I knew how to drive...).

This Friday he's organised a BBQ at our house and I'm trying not to freak out. I wish my social anxiety would calm the f*** down, I wish I had some control over it. I feel like a right freak and I try to pretend I'm ok with it to the OH.

Friday and Saturday have been awful food wise, really, really bad. But, been back on plan today. I'll try to minimise any damage and remain in control where and when I can. It'll be Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday on SnS. Wednesday, Friday and Saturday OFF the diet. 4:3 this week, which should limit any excessive gains and the like.

Meh... I'll catch up with everyone soon.

x
 
Min. Hugs from here. Sometimes we bite off more than we can chew. Why we do it to ourselves I have no idea but you can't fit round pegs in square holes no matter how you try.
I sat my exam, felt sick for days before it and just thought why am I putting myself through this? I am not hopeful for the result either!
Don't feel bad, it has no purpose in your life. The road to success always looks like a strait line where it is really a mass of curls with u turns and all sorts of crazy twists and turns.
We all try to do too much then batter ourselves when it's all gone wrong.
Think of how you would speak to a friend if this situation had happened to her/him, then be nicer to yourself!

Good luck with the house, I am looking at a full house refit at the moment and its quite daunting..
One step at a time!

Take the stress head off, no one got injured and there is no long term damage, just you learning what your limits are.
My DD went to do a bungy jump yesterday and after a lot of time up there, didn't do it. I know I would never have got out the lift. There were others happy to throw themselves off!
We are all different and can test out our limitations but don't feel bad as its the way we learn.

Hugs and sorry for the ramble!
 
Ooh wow.. Ok. :) Biggusbardus - thank you so so so so much. Your comment made me feel so much better. You have no idea how thankful I am. It's like... you flicked a switch on. I loved your story about DD's bungee jump... it really made me think - no matter how big or small something is, some people just can't do certain things. A whole year's course just felt so 'big' to just fail, but it's really nothing more than a slightly higher bungee jump, isn't it? ... It is and it isn't. But... I certainly do feel calmer. :hug99: When did you sit your exam by the way? And what subject? :)

Been on the packs last 4 days - may as well stick to it on the days where nothing is going on (though part of me really didn't want to!). :) Tomorrow OH has his final exam EVER - his university will be FINISHED! So I'm sure he'll want to celebrate. I'll go get him something delicious in the morning while he's out. :)

Been very productive to keep my mind off things too...! OH and I cleaned the kitchen on Sunday, re-organised and scrubbed it clean (yes he's an AMAZING man - he saw me start cleaning and joined in without question - I even tried to make him go away and leave me to it!). I'm slowly going through each room in the house, cleaning and tidying - did the office yesterday. I'm slowly feeling better, I just need to keep busy... if I relax I get very restless and agitated, so I need to put this nervous energy somewhere. Today I assembled some unit for the office which came from Argos. OH bought an oven from Gumtree for £50 - as ours broke a week ago or so.

Well, I also realise that I should keep weighing myself weekly - as I'm feeling a bit more jumpy diet wise, less settled and more prone to binge type behaviour, I need to keep an eye on my weight. I'll record whatever gains I have on Monday as usual... I wasn't going to do it originally, but I recognised today that I MUST NOT bury my head in the sand as it was my downfall last time. I thought I could 'fix it' by dieting without knowing numbers blah blah blah.. not this time. I am going to know those damn numbers and when it does go up on Monday, I promise not to freak out. :)
Another thing is, keep being on the forum as it does help.

So, deep breath!! :D Thanks again Biggus - you really honestly did help me.

x
 
Hey Min - keeping busy is a good idea :D and I always feel more relaxed when the house is clean (ha! with 4 cats and 2 kids (plus husband) that is a rarity!)

You did the course, you learnt what you learnt, and if you don't get the qualification at the end that doesn't mean you didn't learn it - you've still expanded yourself you don't need a certificate to prove that to anyone. It's the journey not the destination ;) and if the journey was too treacherous and you said ENOUGH then that is OK :D:D

Feel for you on the BBQ anxiety - I'm always like 'did they think I was stupid when I said X' or 'were they just here to be polite' then start winding myself up until I take some sleeping tablets :D:D

love and kisses xx
 
Thanks Min. Glad it helped, I sat a project management exam, I need 4 units for a degree and I have gone back to it after 18 years. I failed the last time through, completely, resits and everything. Got up dusted myself down got a job and raised my kids. Now I thought I would go back to it.
I forgot the levels of stress it induces, and the stupid amounts of pressure we put on ourselves for no real reason!
I actually had a bump in my car the night before due to stress.. It just shows you how we do it to ourselves.
Nothing major, just £ 100 damage to another car, that I can't afford!

DD has got over her disappointment of not doing it, she can't understand why she could stop on the edge and not go over.. I would still be in the lift!
relax about the exam, do you have a resit? If you don't view it as a life and death scenario then it takes some of the issues away. I am trying to view it as a "nice to have" thing and seeing if that changes the stress..

I always feel great after gutting the place, got 2 houses to attack this weekend! Woohoo!
Must be great to have an OH that is so supportive in helping out.

Final exam? Wow that must da relief for him then! I soo wish it was me right now!

Good luck wi the diet, be nice to yourself and things will come along a bit easier for you, I know its hard as I am one of the most highly strung wrung out pieces of humanity!

Hugs from here x
 
Hiya Min :)

Sorry not been about, feel like a terrible person not keeping up to date with everyone, but it's not been too great here!

Hope you're well my lovely?

Sending great big :bighug:to you! xxx
 
Hi honey :)

Im back.

I am SO proud of you. Can I tell you a little secret that took me a LONG time to realise? - Part of "growing up"....is in fact realizing what our limitations are. And not being afraid of the fact that we HAVE limitations in the first place. It is also being able to make HUGE decisions like the one you did and seeing that theyre not a big deal (if that makes sense). It is being in control of your own destiny to a point....and knowing what is right for you and making that your priority. Like Lou said, you still ;learnt all the stuff...youre just not an exam type. Im not either. I may know something inside out and backwards. However, if you try to grill me on it....I freeze up and its gone. Why? Because my brain and my personality arent wired that way. No big deal. You stepped up and said "screw this". And that was the very best thing you could have done for yourself. :)

Diet-schmiet, right now for me. I just got home yesterday and I am a depressed, homesick ball of YUCK. So i shouldnt comment on this aspect but....you seem to have it worked out. 100% on days you can. and just LIVE your life. Sounds like a brilliant plan to me!

*hugs*

I hope youre ok, lovely! xxxx
 
:bighug: All of your advice and experience has been invaluable to me - my sheltered life really hasn't taught me much! :p You are all so very right, the biggest learning experience and the growing up bit comes down to largely knowing where your ceiling is. I think I somewhat reached mine! Still, knowing and having a boundary helps and now I can start building on the skills within this circle and pushing out again when I feel comfortable with what I have. :)

I did go off the rails with the diet for the last 2 weeks, OH's end-of-Uni events + family gatherings have been happening thick and fast and I felt it very difficult mentally to be on packs/strict diet one day and off it in some way the next. This jerking around only messed with my head and I've overdone it quite a bit. *shameface* ... BUT having said that, I do not feel emotionally drained, depressed, anxious anymore which are major triggers. I've tried to work on those as they come rather than bury them in food. So there's a positive ... right? :p I feel really BLOATED though and have gained quite a bit... I know some will be water, but some is definitely fat. It's not the end of the world though, my clothes are not much tighter than they were before, so I know I'll be ok. (...though I still feel the size of a hippo o.o !!! )

The last 'food' event is on Monday - OH's parents wanted to go out and celebrate various things. Thank god!! After that it's a clear run for the next 3 weeks - back on the packs on Tuesday!! :bliss: OH has gained some weight over the exam period too so he's keen to join me! :D

At the end of June we're planning a European roadtrip... I'm a little apprehensive over it, as OH wants to drive all the way from Calais - through Brussels - to South Germany to see Neuschwanstein castle in Bavaria. If you find it on Google maps - just look at the satellite view... DEFINITELY worth seeing!! It will be a big trip, just on the road and stopping off wherever we want to. Scary for me, but a dream for OH, so we're going for it! It'll be a week - off plan - but then straight back on it in July and August! :) Hopefully I can be in the 11st's by end of August (at the rate I'm losing even on 100% anyway).

... So, I will be back on Tuesday and will catch up with everyone, promise! I miss you all! :hug99:
 
Minerva I hadn't seen you for a while and checked your activity, didn't realize you had your own diary!

Consider me a new subscriber haha

How have things been going?
 
I would love to go on a Europe road trip that is awesome!! I'm scared to drive on the right though, never done it before and my OH has NO interest in Europe (apart from Amsterdam :rolleyes:!!) I always thought I'd someday do it on a train maybe with one of the kids when they're older if they have any interest in it :) I want to see everything!!

Good luck getting back on track and glad you're feeling a lot better mentally - good to give yourself a break :D
 
Hi Alex :) I'm glad you're doing well - I do check in on your diary every few days, and your determination is admirable!

Lou - it's disappointing that your other half is not interested in Europe ... Amsterdam on its own doesn't count (plus I assume it's for the special benefits its got on offer?). I don't smoke and don't drink often so that sort of thing doesn't appeal to me. We're just going on a massive... culture and breathtaking scenery type of thing! I really hope your children will go with you when they've grown up a bit, it's worth doing!

As per dieting and such - as promised I started on Tuesday, back on the packs. :) Clear sailing. First 3 days were hellish because I also have up caffeine at the same time (two withdrawals! argh). I have not been without caffeine (in either coffee or diet coke form) in... forever. I can't even think of a time when I was without it...!! Withdrawal headache and leg pain were horrid the first 2-3 days, but now, on Day 5 I feel absolutely fine. :) I'm only giving it up for a couple of weeks, just to get my tolerance down as I was on an extremely high amount of it per day!

Today some OH's friends are coming around and we're playing a board game which is adapted from a computer game (Civilization), we'll see how it pans out... We've bought some high quality beef steaks from the butcher's as we figured making packs may be a little bit awkward in front of them. :) Looking forward to some meeaaattt!
Speaking of meat - next week I'm doing an Atkins style week, keeping net carbs at approx 20g per day and just having meat/eggs/yoghurt and a bit of salad. Will be counting calories along side. :)

Been busy organising stuff for the trip and bathroom redecoration and cleaning/tidying house (delayed Spring clean)... so haven't had much time to be on the forum. Eeek, there's still so much to do!!

Hope everyone is well!

x
 
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Busy over here!! Been sourcing tiles, we went to quite a few tile places, Wickes is by far the worst quality/looks wise, then we almost went for a £39 per Sq m from another shop.. Then we visited B&Q on the fly and amazingly they have some wonderful looking tiles for £20 p sq m, which is what we've settled on. :) Sourced a plasterer to fill in holes, now looking for a bathroom contractor to do the work... I can tell you one thing - I'm sick of looking at toilets online!! We settled on a nice suite, but we have to make some alterations to make it fit.

On the holiday front I've booked a hotel and reserved a hostel - we're going to drive from Calais to Lille, France (lunch stop-over) and have a hotel in Leuven, Belgium. We'll take a day trip to Brussels and then have a day to spend with some friends in Leuven. After that we're off to Utrecht, Netherlands to visit another friend there where we'll spend a day. After that... off to Germany, down the west side through Cologne, Frankfurt and Stuttgart possibly to Zurich. ... then back up to Calais through Luxemberg. Are there any nice spots to see in-between Zurich and Calais? Likewise - any towns or anything worth seeing on our projected route in Germany? :p Reims is optional - it's mostly for an overnight stay, if you have a better suggestion let me know :D

Here's a link to our rough route:

https://maps.google.co.uk/maps?sadd...dirflg=t&mra=dme&mrsp=9&sz=6&via=1,6&t=m&z=7#


Diet wise - I lost 8lb this week from the 13lb gain :D But that was to be expected as water weight fell off. Now I'm going on a calorie controlled Atkins for the next week and a bit before we go away. :) Going to keep my carbs at the recommended 20g per day, have switched to decaf tea (cut out coffee - caffeine withdrawal only lasted a few days surprisingly enough!) and going to keep my calories between 800-1000. :) I've even cut out the diet drinks which is a big step for me! I love my diet drinks.. but have stuck to water :)

A little bit bummed looking at the calendar, when I get back I have only 6 weeks until the projected target of my end of August event. In January I thought I could lose the 6st by then, but my slow losses meant I'm nowhere near getting to target now :( Hopefully I won't gain too much on the 12 days we're away and I can get into the 11st's by end of August... Fingers crossed!!

Hope everyone is having a good Monday!!
 
Lou_G said:
I've always wanted to see the wattenmeer in schleswig holstein don't know if that's too far north?

Must get over my fear of driving on the right!!
Click to expand...

The OH says it's not as scary as you think, he ventured out to Holland only about 6 months after passing his test in 2008 and he adjusted within 10 minutes; after that he drove around Latvia a lot in 2011 and he didn't even blink an eyelid at it all. The only things that are creepy are roundabouts - they go the opposite direction!! :p

Unfortunately the two places you mentioned are way too far up north! Both do look beautiful though :)

x
 
Day 9 - going strong back on it. :) I feel slimmer again, I really hate water weight bloat so much!! Another 7 days until I go away! EEEK! Atkins is going well, we're sticking to our 20g of carbs per day - it's amazing how much is in EVERYTHING. Lol. We're a little stuck for what to cook for meals at the moment, but are learning along the way. Have looked at some Atkins recipe sites for ideas and will go for a food shop tomorrow. :) I've kept my calories quite low - below 800 per day.

Otherwise, I'm keeping busy. Tidied all of the wardrobe out yesterday, put away my size 20's and 18's - they're way too big now! Did a whole bunch of laundry, organised things for the trip. Drew my dad a nice Father's Day card - I must mail it tomorrow!! I hope I don't forget :p

Here's a picture as I thought it was kinda cute. :)

dadcat1.jpg
 
YOU drew that? Holy crap!! YOure so talented, Min. Really. Im sure he will LOVE it!

Im glad the diet it s going well. I need to do something like atkins too. But I just struggle as I really want to go back to being at least 95% veggie. I suppose I could use quorn chicken pieces. I just havent a clue how to go about it AND we're on a strict budget as well. :/ its so much easier to just have cheap stuff like pot noodles, cereal, sandwiches. But I know its all so carb laden. Im stuck. I need to make something work within the budget we have.

Your trip is so close now! It sounds SO SO SO amazing. I would LOVE to do something like that. Aint gonna happen because we dont drive and we have 2 little ones...but man. It sounds amazing. :D YOu're going to have a blast! :) xx
 
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