hello, only me!
so having my water and shakes and its TOM in a few days. i hope it arrives on time at the beg of the week so i can lose soemthing before i weigh in on fri-sat. i would love to lose a few pounds this week, but life is so freaking manic! sometimes i wish i could just stay home with all my babies, and then i feel guilty. i dont need to work financially but do a couple of days so i retain my independence, and sanity. in the past when i have not worked i have ended up becoming quite depressed, so i need to have work in my life as it gives me something to focus on. i know it sounds crazy. plus, its part of my identity. however, recently, i think how life would be so good without work as its so stressful! when i had my third child i used to think how great it would be if i wasnt fat, now i have lost most of my weight i think 'am i good enough mum'? when i work i feel guilty, when i dont work i feel low and guilty. yesterday me and hubby went out to a posh diner for lunch and we spent LOADS on it. i felt SO guilty afterwards. why why why? it was a lot of money but we NEVER have lunch out, and its not a drop compared to our monthly income. i am sick of always giving myself a hard time and always pushing myself so hard. i am what i am. i have to accept that. ihave a fantastic life and i need to start living in the moment. sorry to moan today, i just need to do it. i sometimes feel i dont love myself at all, and i need to, and want to. if i slip up at work/home/diet then its ok, i am only human andi am trying my best. i am split so many ways i often lose myself completely. i have decided to join a very expensive gym near my house in sept so that i have some me time. i never joined as i thought it was too much (again, the £60 it costs a month is what i earn in half an hour) but no more. i will invest in myself. I admit i am having a bit of CD weird phase at the moment but i have no deadline. I will keep trying and my aim is to be at 10 stone for my birthday in November. no pressure, no rush, and no recriminations.
phew, needed to get that out!!
today is going to be a good day....