Mini - don't worry!
I'm just having a fat day today - the result of too big a plateful at Pizza Hut last night - the irony of the situation - I was eating cos I was so happy I'd got into Next size 10 jeans -D'uh - like stuffing salad potatoes in my mouth is really going to help!!!
Actually my son and I were saying goodbye to the holidays as he started school again this morning - he's annoyingly silent about whether he enjoyed himself - he's practising for being a Kevin the teenager and just grunting things like "s'alright", "nothing" etc whenever I ask him about his day.
On a more serious note tho Mini, I am still fat - I have two huge rolls of fat/excess skin above and below my waistline, I've a feeling even if I got down to some incredible weight like 8 and a half stone I'd still have them - this is the consequence of 20 years of obesity. I don't intend to upset anyone who still has a way to go on their diet journey but 11 stones, which the scales reported this morning (blushing - I gained half a stone having a week off CD) when you are 5'4" at full stretch is not a healthy weight. OK, it's much, much healthier than I was and if this is the weight/figure I end up maintaining at then I will not mind - I realised years ago that nothing short of a total body transplant will have me looking like Sarah Jessica Parker, I'll never be wearing a sleeveless sheath dress, bikini or mini skirt. Whilst I said I got into the size10 jeans I forgot to mention they looked like I could use to lose another stone!
This last bit seems so much harder to lose than the first bit - I guess cos I'm bored now (been SSing - supposedly- for almost a year) and I'm letting all the compliments go to my head plus realistically I'm not going to look much different to other people when I do lose this last stone - only my waistbands and I will be able to tell!
I think subconsciously I'm sabotaging myself because I'm frightened of finishing - this losing weight thing has masked my obsession with food, I've become a VLCD diet bore and SSing is easy as I just don't have to deal with my food issues. I'm one of the people who can't seem to stop once I've started eating - and I didn't get to 22stones making sensible choices re what to eat/when to eat/how much to eat etc. So I've a whole learning curve to climb up yet. And it's really quite daunting. My long term aim is to have a very simple and structured menu in the week (porridge/fruit (yuk!) yogurt/low fat protein/veggies etc) and allow myself to be a lot more free at the weekends. I'm hoping that will be manageable and help me not to feel deprived and won't induce the dreadful guilt of "oh I shouldn't have eaten that..." etc. Plus I need to do a whole lot more exercise - if I want to eat more I need to move more!
Anyway, now I am at this end of the weight spectrum I want to stay here, for the first time ever I'm actually conscious of my size in a more positive way and I revel in buying clothes from "normal" shops and I want to carry on doing so. I realise now that there are different levels of fat and no longer do I think "oh I'm 11 stone, I'm really fat so it doesn't matter if I eat this chocolate, that pizza, this cheese etc etc etc".
Gosh, don't I go on?? Sorry, will bimble off and read to the boy whilst he eats his yummy homemade pizza and mixed vegetables.
Lots of love,
A
xxxx
