Protective of food

[chicken on a mission]

Last nights’ meeting was absolutely ****! Firstly I didn’t test in the pink again with the ketostix which is no surprise given my past history on that. Secondly my predictions of no change in weight was wrong, I put on 1lb! Of all the (swear word removed for decencey) weeks to retain water it had to be this one. Mind you 4st 4lbs loss in 100 days is still amazing and something to be proud of...and I am.

Thirdly including me there were only 3 at the meeting last night and I didn’t know the other 2. Of them 1 is starting management this week so I won’t see her again and the other is starting management next week. I hope some of my foundation group start coming to this meeting because otherwise I’ll have to think about swapping to a busier day because this won’t be worth paying out for the counselling otherwise.

When I got home last night I was determined to go out and get a small shish kebab with cabbage, cucumber, tomato and no pita bread.

Having finally given myself permission to eat and fully intending to do so, I then couldn’t then bring myself to do it and my rebellious child had nothing to rebel against so finally shut up for 2 minutes and let the adult get a word in edgeways!

Hopefully that will see the begining of the end of my adaptive and rebellious child ego states and the adult should be at the forefront of all my decisions which won’t leave the rebellious child any space to get going.

I can choose to eat or I can choose not to. It's my choice, I’m back in control rather than feeling dragged along by all this. Now it is back to the countdown 1 day down, 49 to go and I am feeling settled and good about this whole diet again.

 

[Shadow]

It's so nice to meet you `adult chicken'...I hope you are here to stay!

Congratulations on completing your 100 days, has it passed quicker than you imagined?

Do you think the change in your ego state has come about because your brain has registered that you have made a choice to join develpers?

I think the end of the end of 100 days is a big land mark for lots of us and is the time when the temptation to eat conventional food is at it's strongest.

I realised at my last meeting that rather than being in control, I am guilty of making my life easy by avoiding situations. For example I will eat a pack and then go and meet friends after they finish their meal.

So I've set myself some tasks this week to face my fears. I have gone for dinner with a friend (male ) and he ate a meal in a restaurant while I happily sipped sparkling water. I have eaten my bar in front of same friend and offered him some of it. And I have accepted a dinner invitation at a friends house but asked if she minded if I made my own soup while they all ate yummy food. (interestingly, I felt fine but friend felt unhappy and aware of her own weight)

I am going to feel proud of the fact that I am not purely adaptive child as I've believed up until now, but am also making a lot of adult decisions now.

 

[lavender]

WOW,
go girls, you are both realy sounding determined and focused today, well done!!

i never really had a problem with the end of the 100 days as I always knew it would be longer for me and my focus was getting to the "right" stage of management for my holidays!!(know now thats rubbish and if you have a holiday 1/2 weeks into management then just go for it and carry on where you left off when you get back!!)

Anyway well done girls and keep staying focused, heres to our adults!!

love heidi x

 

[chicken on a mission]

The 100 days has shot past

The change in my ego state has come because I have always been an all or nothing kind of girl and the crooked thinking section really challenged that for me which is why I gave myself permission to eat in the first place. I could never have done that before because I would have failed 100%, I know better now

The reason temptation was so strong for me is because of the counter on my blog. I knew I would have more to do but the constant compliments and observations that I haven't got much more to do really got to me and this combined with the better than expected weight loss really reinforced that I had reached my initial goal.

My original motivation for doing the diet (which was to get back the lifestyle I used to enjoy before putting on weight) had been fulfilled and there is no barrier to doing what I want to do now. I now have to go on for the shallow reason of looking good I think I can handle being superficial though

As for avoiding difficult situations, that's me to a tee and I need to design some experiments to challenge my behaviour. I have batch cooked meals and avoided family meals times and heating food up for my hubby. I am more sure of myself now and my ability to make a choice rather than be sucked into cheating before I have realised what I have done

Shadow it seems that you are light years ahead of me in terms with getting to grips with life. I am going to follow your lead and challenge the habbits I have set up to protect me from myself. I don't think I need them anymore now they have been exposed

 

[Shadow]

Shadow it seems that you are light years ahead of me in terms with getting to grips with life. I am going to follow your lead and challenge the habbits I have set up to protect me from myself. I don't think I need them anymore now they have been exposed

Chicken, My initial reaction to this compliment from you was a prime example of twisted thinking so instead I have very quickly corrected myself and instead I would like to thank you for the compliment. It's nice to be able to give you a bit of support back after all that you have given me.

 

[chicken on a mission]

You gotta love this LL head stuff. I wouldn't have figured out half of what I know now if it wasn't for the counselling sessions

 

[lavender]

I am still haveing to "avoid" certain things and i think that is ok as long you are not putting your life on hold.
we are not perfect and its ok to test yourself with challenges however if this leads to constant feelings of "Faliure" then perhapes its better to limit the teasting to when we are most likely to have a positve outcome!!
i wouldnt for instance make a cake if I thought it was going to give me problems, even if I believed I "should" be able to cope with it and leave it alone, Why make life harder than it need be, ?? some times the cake wont bother me ( like today) oyher days I would be listening to it screaming at me from all over the house, if that started to happen it would have to go or else I would eat it and then the CP/RB child start and that really does my head in!!!
today i think i am adult with a bit of adaptive child thrown in!!

I have been surprised that old habbits crept up on me, some in disguise to start with and my LLC said that that was because i was seeking comfort in them as the familiar can some times be easier to deal with even if it is negative!!! Watch out for those ones!!

i am to try to think when I recognise an old habbit"what does this habbit do for me know?? do I need it or could I choose to replace it with something else??"
easier said than done but i am trying!!

Good luck today

love heidi x

 

[Shadow]

Heidi,

You are absolutely right, there is no point in setting tests for yourself if it is likely to lead to a negative result. Initially I avoided situations because I wouldn't have been able to cope, but lately I have realised that I am stronger now and am still avoiding situations. I needed to test myself in order to give myself the confidence that I am now making adult decisions.

Then hopefully I will have more trust in my adult ego state to take me forward into maintenance in the future as I have been worrying about this. I had discussed this at the last meeting with my LLC.

My biggest challenge will be once I am allowed a little, because I seem to be an all or nothing girl.

Chicken, I DO really love this head stuff...tis great . I am certainly hoping to come away from all this knowing and liking myself a lot better.

 

[chicken on a mission]

OMG YES! I love all the head stuff because I knew for me that losing the weight would be the easy bit, hold my weight would be difficult and that would happen if I didn't work out my 'issues'

Some of the BIG issues that have come up over the past 14 weeks I would never have worked out without the framework of the LL meetings. I needed a bit more help than that because it took the removal of a few layers to get to the real problem.

As I go into development having had avery disappointing first meeting because there were only 3 of us because it was a Bank Holiday Monday and of the other 2 one starts management next week and the other the week after

I might have to consider changing the meeting time to find a busier meeting.

 

[lavender]

feeling very low at the moment and cant quite put my finger on why??

had my first day at college yesterday and it was an induction day, just about everything that could have gone wrong did!!
1. we were told to arrive at 9am and infact it was 10am!! (not pleased as had early start to beat traffic ,get kids sorted and had arranged husband to take day off work , all not neccesary as it turned out as could have just dropped son off on way at friends!!!)
2. uniform ordered in june not ready!!
3. changed course days from tues/weds to weds/thursday!! ( not good as gave up several childminding spaces on a tuesday as I couldnt have them!!! and had made lengthy arrangements for own children and dog to looked after on dayd told!!!!)********)
4. induction days were meant to be yesterday and today again lengthy sorting out to get kids looked after, but no they have changed it to monday!!!!******)
5. course hand books /kits also not arrived or name badges or student id cards!!!!

"WHAT A F*****G LIBERTY"!!!!!!!!
I hate incompentace and that amount in one place is unbelievable!!!!! anyway end of rant, now I feel better!!

anyway when I got back from college I slipped into neg nurt parent and "comforted myself with that old favorite food!!!
i knew I was doing it and that I was in danger, I even moved a pack of biscuits that my husband had brought into the house (how rude!!) into his office because i knew I would find them hard to resist so i did have a bit of control but I over ate my meal, didnt stop until I was stuffed, after i sat and tried to understand why i had wanted to do that because it wasnt a nice feeling being so full and wasnt really a comfort feeling!!??

Anyway today is another day and I am going to try to have a better day, i am so aware that food is my every thought if i am not busy or happy and that is something I would really like to get a handle on.!!

 

[Gen]

Hiya Heidi

your post struck a big chord with me today and where i'm not feeling down i'm reverting to food for comfort and reverting to my old ways of thinking somewhat. i know they are wrong which in itself is an achievement but i found it hard last night to resist and unfortunately i didn't!!! but i'm not beating myself up over it just moving on and learning!!

anyway how unorganised was your course yesterday... jesus that sounds really bad. what you going to study?? you sound like you have a hectic life with kids and minding kids so well done on going back studying!!!

hope you are feeling a bit better, we can only learn by the mishaps we have on this crazy diet eh??

Gen xx

 

[lavender]

feeling sick... too many cookies!!

HI Gen

Glad its not just me!!! Havent had a very good day ads I made cookies and ate loads of the mixture and then some cookies!!! peanut as well so as bad as it gets really, I knew it was going to happen and I would have been so much better just not making them!!!
But i had been as to make something for a gala and instead of thinking straight and putting myself first i went ahead and did the thing i knew I shouldnt and now i feel really sick and fed up with myself!!!
i am already beating myself up and know that wont help, so feel worse for not being able to stop it!!!

had big row with son this morning and although its sorted now i think it was delayed comfort!!!
really hope when I get the kids back to school I can get back on track!!

 

[Flopster]

In contrast to that I LOVE the thought records and find that far more useful to me.

Chicken, can I ask how you use the thought records - we did some work on them but not as much as I would have liked and am struggling to get my head around them.

Do you do the thought record immediately or "after" you have had time to think about your hot thoughts or stressful situations?

I would love to be able to usefully use them but somehow something is missing with me and I just don't get them 100%

Regarding the ego states, I think a lot of the time I am actually in controlling parent mode with myself, although I do go into adult mode when I need to *usually* - today though I have been rebellious child all the way but have (with yours and mini's help) pulled myself back to what I hope is adult mode so that I can deal with my eating logically.

I don't really do adaptive child - it just isn't a part of my personality but I know I spend a lot of time either as rebellious child or as controlling parent.

 

[lavender]

well now i have put on 3 more lbs so that really goes to show what happens if you take your eye off the ball!!!
had a really good meetingwith LLC this am and have decided once again to SS (where have you heard that before???)
I am wondering if i have let these extra lbs come on so that no one can qustion my "need" to SS?? i can say " but i have gained 6lbs so i need too".
whatever, i am going to do,it. The only fly in the ointment so to speak is a dinner party i have already agreed to go to on saturday and i dont feel i can pull out really!!

my options are
1. keep SSing and just say i need to as i have gone over my buffer and need to sort it!!
2. warn hostess and request lean protein and salad ( she has food issues so would understand I think!!)
3. fake illness and dont go!!
4. stuff my fat little chops all night and have to go through carb withdrawral again!!

so not sure which i will go for yet but i hope it will be one or two, we will see, havent had anything yet today but am just feeling first hunger pangs!! off for a pack!!

 

[chicken on a mission]

My first port of call is always my online diary and then I do weekly thought records transfered from my blog. That way I get how I was thinking/feeling and can do an immediate comparison of how I am feeling now. I find the format, once you have got used to it, is very accessible and useful for organising the information so that I can break it down and make sense of the layers.

 

[Shadow]

I need to work on thought records too I think. I don't carry my book around with me, so by the time I get home the moods and thoughts have come and gone and I forget about them.

Any suggestions anyone?


Lavendar, only you can make the decision as to what you should do about the dinner party (if it's not already past) but all I can say is that any decision would be best made in your adult ego state. I don't think faking illness comes under that.

 

[chicken on a mission]

I need to work on thought records too I think. I don't carry my book around with me, so by the time I get home the moods and thoughts have come and gone and I forget about them.

Any suggestions anyone?

I don't I'm afraid, because of my lifestyle I am never far from my laptop and my diary gets updated numerous times a day when the mood takes me.

What I do do is put the thought records tempplate on computer and then fill those in rather than doing my book which is so well thumbed it fell to pieces weeks ago

Maybe you could do the template and have a blank one in your handbag for whenever you need it. That way you don't have to worry about it being neat and you can put down whatever you feel about the situation and sort through it all later

 

[Shadow]

Good Idea Chick.....will sort that out this week.

Thanks x

 

[chicken on a mission]

Glad I could help

 

[Shadow]

I had a situation that occurred last night which I would like to write as a thought record and I would also like to share with you.

My day was fine, nothing out of the ordinary happened at all. Then I got home (to my dads house - temporary arrangement), and I all of a sudden felt quite angry and aggitated for no reason what so ever. I went and lay on my bed and promptly fell asleep for an hour. When I got up I was short tempered with my son. Once he was in bed I hid in the kitchen doing ironing but when dad asked what is wrong I started to cry. I didn't feel the need to eat, even though I felt sad. I went and hid in my bedroom with music and when I woke up this morning I felt much better.

I am confused by my mood swing, but am proud that I didn't turn to food for support or even consider the possibility of doing so. I really think I was in an Adult ego state though.