So I haven't been on here for a very long time. I kept saying I won't come on until I have 1 week on track under my belt. And look how long it's been,,, reflects how badly I've been doing. I'm bigger than I've ever been. It's scary. But actually not surprising given the amount of bingeing I've been doing.
Old habits die hard... I used to have phases of this mixed in with phases of restricting, throwing up or exercising to compensate, which I know is not healthy but this is the longest stretch of time I think I've binged for... Well actually aside from when I was 20 and went from a size 6 to a 14!!!
But anyway... I decided to go against having to wait 1 week in track before I post this. I can't wait any longer!! I have just finished day 4...
I was hit by a car 2 months ago and was just a few weeks back into exercise and running. That all fell apart after. I was already disgusted with my weight back in April when I had 5 months less bingeing on me, so really being disgusted now doesn't really shock me. But I am really big. And I can't run or exercise because of injury. I can walk. But that's all.
I've dug my old exante packs out and have 3.5 weeks left.
I have to go to a birthday in 9 days which is a bit annoying in terms of ketosis but I have to go. The only other "must do" event after that is another bday at start of November.
I've been on 2 holidays feeling disgusted with my body (end of May and end of August) And again I'm wasting my life on this topic. I am too ashamed to go to my counselling session but also, I know I won't be able to VLCD when I start it as it goes against the purpose of the sessions so I have so far managed to buy time until November, and hopefully longer, during which time I want to VLCD as much of this weight off as I can. I know it might sound less healthy than the counselling route but I also know I need this weight off ASAP.
Hopefully when my back and neck are healed it will then be easier to get back into running and exercise at a lower weight. I'm shocked at how much I've let myself down. I gave up completely and saw food as the only thing to look forward to each day.
I am not weighing myself the thought of it terrifies me.
I am going back to work on Monday 29th sept.... So worried about all the weight gain as I will have been off for 9 weeks. But hopefully this week and next will help a bit and I won't look so big.. I don't think I can handle hearing anyone's comments.
The funny thing is I felt disgusted at my weight in April. And 2 of my family members saw a pic from April and commented on how I look like I'm less big there. So I've got a lot of work to do because April weight was nowhere good enough let alone this awful weight. I was reminiscing over pictures of me this time last year. I can say it now but couldn't say it then... I looked amazing. Amazing figure and so pretty. I was a size 8/10 and was actually wearing a mini top out!! I have totally let myself go. And I know I disappeared from here which was a bad move and part of the whole denial I sink into. I have so many justifications as to why I should binge. And how it will always be the last one. I've had 5 months of "last one" binges. It's absolutely disgusting. And I actually felt better about myself when I was throwing up or over exercising to control my weight. I know it's an awful method, but at least it took away the damage... Now it's all stuck to me!!!
This wasn't meant to sound like a negative post, but actually it's interesting that it is because I've been very happy and jokey with everyone and even in myself, but sleeping terribly and feeling stressed, or getting very angry when I drink alcohol. Writing this has actually shown me how terrible i am really feeling, and just how much I've managed to mask it, even from myself.
This is my long term plan. I have no idea what I weigh and don't wanna know but I've presumed I'm about 160 :-(
By 19th December I can be 9st6.. I might be happy to stay at that weight and just keep toning up OR
By 9th January I can be 9stone again
Start weight: 160??
Daily Cals Weekly exc. Weight
23 September - 31st October 5.5wks
650 3x20m 146
1st - 28th November 4wks
1100 5x1h 138
29th November -19th December 3wk
1500 5x1h 132
20th December - 9th January 3wk
1450 5x1h 126
From 10th January for life!
1510/1725/1945 0/3x20m/5x1h 126
Writing it all down has made me kind of excited!!!
Look forward to catching up on everyone else, and to being writing some more positive posts from now on X