Rosebug's Diary [back on the chain gang~]

oh hope the results come back with something that can be treated easily love x
 
First day VLCDing -

I still appear to be having difficulty eating everything I'm supposed to! Today to get up to 600 cals I need a porridge, a protein shake, 2 babybels, a soya bolognese and a dessert thing. I still have the last two to go and I'm so tired (worn down after a bad visit with nana) I don't know if I can stay awake long enough to eat them. I've -just- finished my protein shake.

Food is still tasting bad. Not just food, also drinks. Everything tastes wrong in my mouth.

Am thinking about switching to a vegetarian style atkins plan when I come back, maybe for at least half of each week, to stop myself getting so grossed out by meat. It's tough though. I love quorn chicken pieces in tomato sauce with cheese - but half the pack of quorn pieces is 20g carbs before I even thin about adding a tomatoey sauce, and I don't think I know another sauce I'd like them with.

Could do the occasional quorn burger and frankfurter, but they're all far more high carb than the meat versions. I'll have to do some thinking regarding it. I don't think I can go back to being as strict with myself as I was, though. But I do just want to see this weight gone.

Ah well, we'll see.
 
do you think you might have some mouth infection if everything is tasting awful love?
 
No, but I think I may have a zinc or B12 deficiency. I've had both before. Just need to wait on my bloods results.

On the plus side, this dietimeal spicy bolognese is at least fiery enough to taste.
 
Hm, not sure if I have a touch of the ketosis flu developing or if the headache and stiffness is to do with sleeping from 8pm to 11:30pm, waking up from a horrific nightmare and managing no sleep since. Either way, I think I might give my afternoon lecture a miss and come back to sleep. I've missed that class more than I should, but it's so pointless in relation to the paper we have to write for it and I'm riddled with stress on a 1000 fronts right now. Something has to give and at the moment it's that class. I know I can write a good paper, I won't fail it.

Ugh, mentally/emotionally all over the place atm.
 
Morning Rose, how are you this morning?
 
Nana isn't doing well.

And I've just made the mistake of weighing myself and am crying my guts out. Great day.
 
Huge (((hugs))) sweetie.
Xxx
 
I'm scared of this vlcd now. I don't know if it was a bad idea, if I should stop right now, abandon all the money I couldn't afford to spend and get back on Atkins. But I don't know how to do Atkins the way I was before when meat tastes so bad to me, and if I add in vegetarian options to make me happier I'll be adding in more carbs and I'll lose slower.

Or I do the vlcd for two weeks and maybe get back to where I was when I bloody started and then come back to Atkins and can't lose again.

2 months to lose 2 stone. 3 days of eating soup, fruit and toast to gain 7lbs back.

I'd like to jump off a cliff. I'm going to be fat forever. I am never ever ever ever going to be able to eat like everyone I see all day long gets to eat because if a bloody sandwich passes my lips I'll gain half a stone. I wanted to be normal by my birthday, now I feel like I'll be doing this forever and I just want a bloody break. I want to not be me anymore. I'm sick of me. I'm sick of all of this.
 
I'm so completely stupid. I was losing a pound a week. Okay I was miserable but I was forcing food down and I was losing which is better than gaining half a stone just to feel mildly better for five minutes.

I'm so so so so so bloody bloody stupid.
 
Rosebug - please please stop beating yourself up. You are not feeling well, you've got a lot of stresses on and haven't been sleeping properly - is there someone you can talk to? If you pm me your number I'm happy to be a listening ear. There are never answers and you can only ever choose your path one step at a time. Here's a virtual support hand to hold and we're here when you need us.
((rose)) Xxxxxx
 
Thank you Katie. I'm not very good at speaking on the phone though and I'm not making much sense when I talk right now anyway. Just don't know what to do. I can't believe the size of the gain- I wasn't expecting to lose much with the switch and I know I won't know until next Thursday if I have anyway, but I was hoping I could give myself a short break from eating without gaining. I would have been better/smarter just to go up in carbs and allow myself a few things, or something. Soup and fruit. I didn't even have anything bad. And now if I lose the gain on the vlcd for a week or two and want to go back to Atkins I'll probably have sodded up my metabolism and any future losses. And I don't have the strength to keep to things when i don't lose, as shown. I've just messed everything up.
 
Rose hun it breaks my heart to see you so unhappy.

I really don't know what to say that will make you feel happier in yourself, only that - well, look at my stats love, I am huge, I let myself get this big and I've been miserable about it for years - stupid, wasted years - but I know now that I have the answer for me.

I've done all the diets and never done terribly well - but for the first time ever, I am losing weight - but only when I stick to it. My head just isn't committed to it sometimes, but I have learned not to beat myself up too much about it - because there's no point.

Keep talking to us and don't put too much pressure on yourself about deadlines or the like - and you will be ready and happy to focus back on it soon.

Susie xx
 
Just for you Susie, and just for a day, I've changed my sidebar statistics to reflect my highest ever weight, which was back in 2006. It's taken me a long long time to get where I am - not counting the millions of failed attempts, small losses followed by huge regains that preceded being that weight.

Now I'm the smallest I've been in my adult life, and I'm nearly 30. I still feel as big as I was at my heaviest weight. Up until 2 stone ago I was still wearing clothes from my heaviest weight - in fact I still do wear a couple of t shirts as night dresses but I mean I was wearing them normally, some of the skirts held in by safety pins. I feel the same size as I did in those years when I was too miserable and scared to leave the house.

The scales tell me I have to lose 3 stone to get to a 'normal' BMI. Looking at what I've lost it should be nothing, but it feels like everything. I just want it gone. First and foremost I don't want to be obese anymore. So I can't bear STS for a week, and gaining is even worse. It's more time for me to be like this, and be miserable.

I need to work on hating myself a little less, but I don't feel I can get there until I'm thinner. Deadlines - or at least a consistent rate of loss - are vital to me managing to stay on track.
 
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I think part of what frustrates me is I have been so bloody committed. I've atkinsed half ars*dly a few times over the last couple of years but this time I was perfect. Well under 20g. Not one cheat in 10 weeks. I have a couple of days eating soup and fruit after forcing myself to stay on track despite constant bloody nausea, not takeaways and chocolate, and 7lb????

So much for the thought of taking easter off after denying myself two years running. So much for ever feeling or being normal. I don't know. I am on this vlcd. I have made sure it's high protein and low carb so hopefully if I'm only on it a week - the nausea does seem to be improving - i won't have too much bloody fluctuation moving back to atkins. But maybe I will. Maybe I'll gain another half stone. Maybe I'll gain ten of them. I have absolutely no idea anymore.

Also when I get back to atkins I'm going to need to allow myself slightly over 20g carbs at least a couple of times a week so I can not have meat but have quorn. I might manage to keep it under the 20 but I can't guarantee it. So I'll be slower.

I don't know I don't know I don't know.
 
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I need to put pressure on myself because I'm a lazy, lazy person and if I don't have pressure I don't do anything. ANYWAY time to stop essentially flailing all over this poor thread and go to visit the hospital.

Thank you, everyone. Sorry for the freakout. I keep them in my head usually.
 
Rose, my heart goes out to you. I had a couple of sudden gains as you know but now I'm back on track. It's just what the human body does sometimes. I'll bet that most of the half stone is just water.
Keep talking to us sweetie. We all go through this stuff.
Look how well you have done though! My goodness you should be patting yourself on the back continuously. You rock girl!
 
Hi Rosebug - you are amazing and have already done an outstanding job of getting to where you have.
Thinking of you and hope visit goes well
Xxxx
 
I don't know what to say to try and make you feel better so I'm not going to try! But I'm very glad that you have vented here. It's very therapeutic to just get it all out there isn't it! The thing with this place is we've all been exactly where you are so totally understand. I've been on quit smoking drugs for 8 weeks now and the nausea is almost unbearable. I've gained shed loads of weight but know once the drugs are finished I can get back to it. It's just horrible watching the scales go up every week and knowing that's another x amount of weeks it'll take to lose it and I hate that this is happening but you can only have so much going on at one time and I just have to accept that it is what it is. Huge ((((((Rose))))))
This message comes to you courtesy of an extremely large vodka as I've been forced to be pleasant to my ex husband face to face today and have another 2 weeks and 3 days to get through until I can go back to ignoring him ;) Thank god i gave an o'level in drama and a degree in drinking xxxxxxxx
 
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