Rosebug's Diary [back on the chain gang~]
- Thread starter rosebug
- Start date
Kat1e
This is for life
Yes I know what you mean - the salad buffet at work is exactly the same. I have resigned myself to having a relatively boring salad (lettuce & cuc) but they do have olive oil and lemon juice (just a hint
) for the dressing. Luckily there is usually grilled chicken.I also bought some sachets of no carb dressing from LCM to take into work - perhaps they would be worth an investment? Frankly - you can actually have my remaining ones - I find them all too sweet due to the sweeteners in them
We should organise to meet up for a trawl of friendly Twickers cafes one day.......
rosebug
Silver Member
Eh well today has turned a bit rubbish. Technically I suppose it started out a bit rubbish - woke from a nightmare (waterloo was flooded and someone mugged me for my phone??) at 1am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. But it got rubbisher on coming home for the afternoon - had some nasty names called at me at the train station. It happens far less often now than it did when I was bigger, and I always feel like maybe I'll be strong enough to deal with it this time -- but no it always sends me into a stupid panic attack and upset. When I was really big I took so much abuse I didn't leave the house for months, and I'm not exaggerating that.
And I seem to have gained 2lb that doesn't want to go away, and TOTM is over and I've been completely legal and am even cutting back on carbs by having these flavourd waters instead of squash although I don't really like them so far. So that seems unfair and confusing. Yes, I know I shouldn't peek but we all do.
Have ordered some sticks to check ketosis level.
It's days like this when the speed of a VLCD tempts me again. In fact just giving up eating altogether tempts me. I want to be a size 8, not an 18, and it feels so unfair that I'm stuck in this stupid ugly slow useless body.
Ah well. Just a bad day.
Yes Katie, I was totally thinking we should say hi sometime. xx
And I seem to have gained 2lb that doesn't want to go away, and TOTM is over and I've been completely legal and am even cutting back on carbs by having these flavourd waters instead of squash although I don't really like them so far. So that seems unfair and confusing. Yes, I know I shouldn't peek but we all do.
Have ordered some sticks to check ketosis level.
It's days like this when the speed of a VLCD tempts me again. In fact just giving up eating altogether tempts me. I want to be a size 8, not an 18, and it feels so unfair that I'm stuck in this stupid ugly slow useless body.
Ah well. Just a bad day.
Yes Katie, I was totally thinking we should say hi sometime. xx
rosebug
Silver Member
Food for today:
2 egg omelette at 3am - I woke from a nightmare at 1am and got no further sleep, plus I usually get up and have my protein shake at about 5:30 so as I was hungry at 3am I decided to just eat then.
1g
2 cups of tea
2g
4 bites of a BK double cheeseburger - was kind of gross
2g
Atkins chocorange bar
2g
3 Sula sugarfree sweets
No idea.
Fillet steak, 7 bits asparagus.
3g
Litre tesco white grape and blackberry water
3g
1/2 litre tesco apple water
0g apparently????
TOTAL : 13g
Might have a ginger mim later. I've drunk less today because I've been trying to drink tesco's apple flavoured water and it' too weak in taste for me so very hard to drink. The grape water is lovely but at 3g carbs per litre drinking 3 litres would work out more carby than my squash, which is what I was trying to find a viable alternative to.
I'll see what the next couple of weeks bring. I keep looking at Dukan stuff, but I would -need- to drink my squash or some flavoured water I like - can't do fizzy - and I think that would probably ruin it. Being able to take yogurts to college would be amazing though. And having tomato sauces now and then. If I plateau here I might at least try my own version of it to give myself a break for a week, maybe.
I feel like I've eaten loads but I suppose it wasn't that much actually.
2 egg omelette at 3am - I woke from a nightmare at 1am and got no further sleep, plus I usually get up and have my protein shake at about 5:30 so as I was hungry at 3am I decided to just eat then.
1g
2 cups of tea
2g
4 bites of a BK double cheeseburger - was kind of gross
2g
Atkins chocorange bar
2g
3 Sula sugarfree sweets
No idea.
Fillet steak, 7 bits asparagus.
3g
Litre tesco white grape and blackberry water
3g
1/2 litre tesco apple water
0g apparently????
TOTAL : 13g
Might have a ginger mim later. I've drunk less today because I've been trying to drink tesco's apple flavoured water and it' too weak in taste for me so very hard to drink. The grape water is lovely but at 3g carbs per litre drinking 3 litres would work out more carby than my squash, which is what I was trying to find a viable alternative to.
I'll see what the next couple of weeks bring. I keep looking at Dukan stuff, but I would -need- to drink my squash or some flavoured water I like - can't do fizzy - and I think that would probably ruin it. Being able to take yogurts to college would be amazing though. And having tomato sauces now and then. If I plateau here I might at least try my own version of it to give myself a break for a week, maybe.
I feel like I've eaten loads but I suppose it wasn't that much actually.
rosebug
Silver Member
Food today, dooby dooby doo...
1 skinless chicken breast marinated in soy sauce, garlic and mirin. 5 slices pancetta.
because of the marinade uhmmm
2g carbs?
3 sula sugarfree sweets
0g carbs apparently
3 egg omelette with cheese and chives
2g carbs
tea 1g carbs
perfectly clear water
0g apparently
TOTAL 5g carbs
I would have had some cucumber but when I went to the fridge it was bare. Might have some tea later, might also have a wee bit of smoked salmon, but quite full right now. I need to stop eating these sugarfree sweets daily, even if its not that many.
I quite like the perfectly clear water. I think I'll try to cut back on my squash and drink more of it, although I'm not sure I trust the 0g carbs claim.
Tomorrow - class in the morning, then shopping for a 60th birthday gift for my dad, then evening class. He's been utterly unhelpful in not saying he wants anything, and disliking social occasions and just about anything you can think of. I really have no idea what to get and feel like a very bad daughter, as he's an amazing dad in every other respect except being someone it's possible to buy gifts for. I'm going to try the natural history museum I think.
Think I will go to borough market for lunch - at the Roast to Go takeaway you can get a pork belly roll. I hate the fluffy bread they use so always just ask for the pork belly in a carton. Delicious and hopefully will stop me craving all the cakes in the cafes at the museum.
1 skinless chicken breast marinated in soy sauce, garlic and mirin. 5 slices pancetta.
because of the marinade uhmmm
2g carbs?
3 sula sugarfree sweets
0g carbs apparently
3 egg omelette with cheese and chives
2g carbs
tea 1g carbs
perfectly clear water
0g apparently
TOTAL 5g carbs
I would have had some cucumber but when I went to the fridge it was bare. Might have some tea later, might also have a wee bit of smoked salmon, but quite full right now. I need to stop eating these sugarfree sweets daily, even if its not that many.
I quite like the perfectly clear water. I think I'll try to cut back on my squash and drink more of it, although I'm not sure I trust the 0g carbs claim.
Tomorrow - class in the morning, then shopping for a 60th birthday gift for my dad, then evening class. He's been utterly unhelpful in not saying he wants anything, and disliking social occasions and just about anything you can think of. I really have no idea what to get and feel like a very bad daughter, as he's an amazing dad in every other respect except being someone it's possible to buy gifts for. I'm going to try the natural history museum I think.
Think I will go to borough market for lunch - at the Roast to Go takeaway you can get a pork belly roll. I hate the fluffy bread they use so always just ask for the pork belly in a carton. Delicious and hopefully will stop me craving all the cakes in the cafes at the museum.
rosebug
Silver Member
Grumpy as a bear this morning. Couldn't fall asleep until 4 am, slept through my 5:30am alarm, woke 2 minutes after my 7am train left, missed most of morning lectures but I still have to go in this morning to get presentation dates as next week is reading week. On train now, no time for breakfast so hungry, thirsty, huge headache, no painkillers and don't get to go home until 11 pmish.
Really bad mood.
Really bad mood.
rosebug
Silver Member
One thing about this way of eating is it's very hard to comfort yourself with food. Not that I'm sure it's ever helped me really to eat bad things but getting a bit of chicken just isn't the same as your favorite chocolate bar, is it. And all the other options people suggest to 'treat yourself' don't do much for me - nor can they be grabbed to go on a miserable grey day.
Just reminding myself I want to be thin as much as I want the chocolate equivalent of a hug. I wish it could happen faster.
Just reminding myself I want to be thin as much as I want the chocolate equivalent of a hug. I wish it could happen faster.
rosebug
Silver Member
Recording my food so far so I can keep track, it's sort of loads.
Tea x 2
4g
2 slices bacon (from a bacon roll at pumpkin at clapham, gross. Cafe chaud at surbiton do seriously amazing bacon rolls).
0g
Mcdonalds hamburger, no bun but tiny bit of sauce.
2g
3 bites chicken & herb burger at borough market. Too herby for me and home made style burgers always seem to have gristle in urgh.
2g
Filling from pork belly roll - didn't get the roll just asked for the filling in a tub, was delicious.
0g
Coke zero
0g
Total as of 3pm: 8g
Tea x 2
4g
2 slices bacon (from a bacon roll at pumpkin at clapham, gross. Cafe chaud at surbiton do seriously amazing bacon rolls).
0g
Mcdonalds hamburger, no bun but tiny bit of sauce.
2g
3 bites chicken & herb burger at borough market. Too herby for me and home made style burgers always seem to have gristle in urgh.
2g
Filling from pork belly roll - didn't get the roll just asked for the filling in a tub, was delicious.
0g
Coke zero
0g
Total as of 3pm: 8g
rosebug
Silver Member
Got home and grabbed some prawns and crispy bacon so total still at 8g I think. Had a coke zero, sprite zero and a couple of touch of fruit drinks which might add up to 2 carbs max.
Thanks for the hugs. Spent the last 2 hrs of my day sobbing (in character - working on a radio play) which was quite cathartic at least.
Re: new poster on the Atkins forum, I didn't reply there as I don't want to make a fuss over one small comment but - fair enough finding slimmer people attractive, but would you go on a forum for women with hair loss and say 'no offense but I'm getting a wig because I want to date a girl with hair'. Just struck a bad and needless note with me - everyone is aware that thin women are considered more attractive and I expect that and fitting in socially is the reason many of us are here. Phrasing it like that just reinforces my own very bleak and negative feelings about myself, I guess. No reason to say 'no offense' if you don't expect it to offend people.
Thanks for the hugs. Spent the last 2 hrs of my day sobbing (in character - working on a radio play) which was quite cathartic at least.
Re: new poster on the Atkins forum, I didn't reply there as I don't want to make a fuss over one small comment but - fair enough finding slimmer people attractive, but would you go on a forum for women with hair loss and say 'no offense but I'm getting a wig because I want to date a girl with hair'. Just struck a bad and needless note with me - everyone is aware that thin women are considered more attractive and I expect that and fitting in socially is the reason many of us are here. Phrasing it like that just reinforces my own very bleak and negative feelings about myself, I guess. No reason to say 'no offense' if you don't expect it to offend people.
Kat1e
This is for life
Morning rosebug. I know what you mean and i think your wig analogy makes the point really well. I think self image is such a (strange!) personal thing. For instance i never mind looking in a normal narrow mirror, but hate my dance classes in a room with a wall of mirrors and refuse to look at photos of myself - which is why i am usually found behind the camera
rosebug
Silver Member
I just hate myself in general, I think, which is a response to how other people have reacted to me. I used to be much bigger (I've really lost over 9 stone in the last 4 years) and it's sort of heartbreaking to go from being that huge, put so much work into it, lose more than most people could imagine... and still be the fat one. I get compliments occasionally now and can't deal with them at all because I took abuse only for so long that that's what feels like honesty, and compliments like a joke. I guess I'm a size 18 now (although size 18 in Evans jeans, size 18 in Dorothy Perkins won't do up over my tummy) and still classed as a 'larger lady' people would dismiss by statistics alone without even looking at.
Incidentally I really hate the term 'larger lady', none of us aren't aware of being big. Why not just use the term fat? Tiptoeing around it feels worse than addressing it directly, I suppose.
I read this article by Lindy West last night. It's full of swearing I'm afraid but I wish I could achieve the level of acceptance of myself that she has. Her points about people's 'concern for her health or diabetes risk' are interesting, but it's her points about how ashamed of themselves fat people are that strike such a note with me.
Hello, I Am Fat | Slog
I want to be thin so other people will like me. Not so I can find some other thin person and think we're better than anyone else.
----
On another note - tested for ketosis today with brand new ketostix as my weight is just staying the same and it's really upsetting me. I've been drinking plenty, wee was really light, and the stick was really dark in ketosis. Odd?
I think I'm going to chuck out the sula sugarfree sweets I have. I've had a sad week and had more than I'd want to, and if my body is burning the sugar alcohols first maybe that's my problem. I usually have enough carbs left for a small square of very dark chocolate, so I'll get some of that instead.
Incidentally I really hate the term 'larger lady', none of us aren't aware of being big. Why not just use the term fat? Tiptoeing around it feels worse than addressing it directly, I suppose.
I read this article by Lindy West last night. It's full of swearing I'm afraid but I wish I could achieve the level of acceptance of myself that she has. Her points about people's 'concern for her health or diabetes risk' are interesting, but it's her points about how ashamed of themselves fat people are that strike such a note with me.
Hello, I Am Fat | Slog
I want to be thin so other people will like me. Not so I can find some other thin person and think we're better than anyone else.
----
On another note - tested for ketosis today with brand new ketostix as my weight is just staying the same and it's really upsetting me. I've been drinking plenty, wee was really light, and the stick was really dark in ketosis. Odd?
I think I'm going to chuck out the sula sugarfree sweets I have. I've had a sad week and had more than I'd want to, and if my body is burning the sugar alcohols first maybe that's my problem. I usually have enough carbs left for a small square of very dark chocolate, so I'll get some of that instead.
rosebug
Silver Member
Food today:
Protein shake
4g
Smoked salmon and cream cheese
2g
Courgette, Parma ham with cheese sauce
4g
Steak and asparagus
2g
Cups of tea
4g
TOTAL 16g
I should say that my portions here are small - the salmon was about 3 slices on a tea plate with a spoonful cream cheese, and the courgettes were a tea plate sized portion too. Decent bit of steak & 7 stems skinny asparagus.
Protein shake
4g
Smoked salmon and cream cheese
2g
Courgette, Parma ham with cheese sauce
4g
Steak and asparagus
2g
Cups of tea
4g
TOTAL 16g
I should say that my portions here are small - the salmon was about 3 slices on a tea plate with a spoonful cream cheese, and the courgettes were a tea plate sized portion too. Decent bit of steak & 7 stems skinny asparagus.
Last edited:
rosebug
Silver Member
Just visited my gran in the hospital and, like wise, some pottering around in between homework.
Well, stayed the same weight wise. I knew it was coming but not why. I actually gained 3lb at the start of the week (I've had a few sneaky weigh ins). I haven't eaten anything illegal, and all I can think of is the polyols, because I've had more sugar free sweets than usual and certainly more than I'd usually allow myself.
The gain happened after I'd had a mim twice in 3 days and sugar free sweets maybe 3 times in small amounts. I'll leave mims in this week if I need them as I only saw losses, not gains, after having them before.
I'm still heavily in ketosis.
A STS is miserymaking for me as it's been a very very hard week to stay on the wagon and having somehow made it I just feel like there should be some kind of reward at the end. Regular downward tilts are literally the only thing that keep me on the straight and narrow.
So, doing this week in hope of a woosh and if not... well I don't know. More thinking.
Well, stayed the same weight wise. I knew it was coming but not why. I actually gained 3lb at the start of the week (I've had a few sneaky weigh ins). I haven't eaten anything illegal, and all I can think of is the polyols, because I've had more sugar free sweets than usual and certainly more than I'd usually allow myself.
The gain happened after I'd had a mim twice in 3 days and sugar free sweets maybe 3 times in small amounts. I'll leave mims in this week if I need them as I only saw losses, not gains, after having them before.
I'm still heavily in ketosis.
A STS is miserymaking for me as it's been a very very hard week to stay on the wagon and having somehow made it I just feel like there should be some kind of reward at the end. Regular downward tilts are literally the only thing that keep me on the straight and narrow.
So, doing this week in hope of a woosh and if not... well I don't know. More thinking.