Saddlebag's Refeed

[Saddlebag]

My naughty Saturday - by Saddlebag, aged 26 and a half (but apparently acts like a greedy child when it comes to food)

Breakfast - I was a very good girl. Banana, fat free Greek yoghurt and a teeny bit of honey
Lunch - Again I was quite good. Quinoa with roasted vegetables (roasted in some olive oil but, in the words of Weasey, this is helpful food )
Afternoon - This is where it started going downhill... I wasn't hungry in the slightest. I remembered that there was a chocolate fondant left over in the freezer. My brain went into shut down mode and into FEED mode. I preheated the oven, didn't think no I shouldn't do this, put it in the oven, waited 15 minutes, still feeling no guilt, got it out the oven, plated it up, PUT A PILE OF CLOTTED CREAM ICE CREAM ON and applied it to my face in about 7 seconds flat. It was amaaaaaaaaaaazing and I felt no guilt whatsoever!
Did the food shop, only got healthy things, nothing processed, no sweets, biscuits or crisps. Yay. Then went home and put the dinner on...
Dinner - So when I got the delicious fondant out the freezer I saw the creamy mash, lamb and gravy I'd stuck in there from last week. I decided that was my dinner, then spyed a jamaican beef patty in there too... So decided to have that AS WELL.
Well, dinner was typical old Saddlebag dinner- a complete botch pitch of things I like but don't go at all. It was nice but I couldn't finish it. I felt sick afterwards. Still didn't feel guilt, but was a bit disgusted at myself for eating a bizarre concoction out of pure greed. I could have saved the pasty for another weekend, but was so greedy I had to have it.

I got up today, and got on the scales. 10.6. That's 4lbs in one day. That's when the guilt set in. I had fat free Greek yoghurt for breakfast with honey and apricot. Mid morning I had a banana, later had a nectarine and about 3 or 4 plain water biscuits (strange I know, but sometimes I just need a savoury crunch), lunch was the quinoa and veg left over from yesterday. For dinner I'm going to have some veg soup that I made the other day. I don't want any crappy food today.

I know I said that I would be doing what I wanted at the weekend, but I did that yesterday and I didn't gain much from it. I'm not dwelling on yesterday. It's taught me a lesson- don't just eat for the sake of eating! Telling myself that the weekends are my 'free' days has led me to binge. However, I do still want to keep the weekends as 'free'. If I could redo yesterday, I'd still have had the fondant, with less ice cream on. I would have had half the mash, half the sauce and left the patty in the freezer!
I know that people will read this and think I've lost complete control and I'm going to pile it all back on. I disagree- I suspected that I would have this problem once I came off the sachets. Suddenly I have the freedom to eat delicious tasting food again, but my greed will always be there. I don't want to live feeling like I'm on a constant diet, and when I was nearing goal I kept changing my mind about how I was going to eat afterwards to maintain. Should I low carb? Should I be mostly vegetarian? Should I cut foods out?
As it stands, I've opted for trying to be healthy and cutting out what I think led me to put weight on in the first place. So, I haven't eaten the following at all:
- sugary soft drinks. I used to get through gallons of full fat coke. I don't crave it anymore.
- crisps. Again, I'd get through loads and sometimes I fancy them but I know I'll binge on them so don't buy them.
- white bread, white rice and pasta. I would eat loads of sandwiches- usually cheese sandwiches with mayonnaise. Now for lunch I'm having one brown bread sandwich packed with salad and either a low fat cheese triangle or low fat Philadelphia. White rice, I've learnt how to cook brown rice properly now so it's not like bullets And always weigh it first. I don't 'cook enough for lunch tomorrow' because I always eat it all at once. I've not had pasta at all- another thing that I binge on, so I've not had it at all, even brown pasta.
- whole milk. I know there's not too much difference, but I'm used to skimmed milk now, so why up my calories with anything else?
- takeaways. I never really had these at home but often had them at work. I'm happy with my sandwich now. I don't fancy greasy food a lot of the time as it gives me tummy ache now. Sometimes I want Chinese but then of ways I can make something similar at home, with less calories.

So, they're my main changes. My greed is the main issue that I will be battling with over the coming weeks and months. I'm hoping I can stabilise my weight as at the moment I'm not quite sure how many calories I need to maintain, but I'll work it out.

Phewwwww! Long post! Sorry for going on!

 

[weasey]

Hmmm - there are 3 words in your post which I have an issue with - they are not "fondant", "clotted" and "mash" but are instead "guilt", "greedy" and "disgusted". Calling yourself greedy does two things:

1. It puts you down. You insult yourself. It makes you believe that you are a greedy person. Because you are insulting yourself you may want to eat unhelpful things in order to make yourself feel better. Then if you do that you go through the whole cycle again.

2. It stops you addressing the actual problem. By calling yourself greedy you don't look at why it actually happened and what lessons you might learn. It doesn't change anything for the next time you are tempted. Why did you want to eat the food? Were you feeling a particular emotion? Had something happened that day? Were you bored? What might you be able to do to releive the boredom/anger/happiness/sadness/tiredness which doesn't involve food? Is food a treat? What other non food treats are there?

I would also question why you have certain food in if they could cause a problem for you. Bread is one of my issues. I don't have it in the house. Then it can't 'call' to me! This is relatively easy as my husband doesn't want to eat bread either - I understand that it would be more difficult if you have others you live with.

I recognise the not thinking state of doing something which is unhelpful but refusing to think about it until afterwards. One really useful tip I got last week was to write it down. So if I'm tempted to have something unhelpful I'll write down what I want and why - and how I'm feeling. By the time I've done that the craving has gone away. This isn't magic - what it does is to put you into analysis mode and take you away from the emotion which is making you want to eat.

Having said all of that I actually think your post is hugely positive. You are obviously learning a lot about how you feel physically after eating certain foods and how you want to approach things. Well done you!

 

[Saddlebag]

Thanks for your thoughtful post Weasey. I do need keeping in check sometimes. This type of thinking has in the past led to drastic undereating and also drastic overeating, so thank you for pointing it out.
It's true what you say about calling myself greedy. For a split second this morning I thought 'damnit, I've gone off track already so what does it matter' before I thought woaaaaahhhh woah woah yes it does matter! I'm glad that I managed to recognise that so quickly, as I wouldn't have done before.

I still don't know why I ate it. I was happy, just going about my day to day stuff. I had even just got my stuff together to go out! Then the image of the chocolate fondant just swamped my brain and I thought if I don't eat it now, I'm going to be thinking about it all day, and will probably buy a load of chocolate at the supermarket and eat it in the car... I'd only given myself two options- eat fondant, or buy chocolate. There was no third option of 'neither'. I don't know why.

The fondant, along with the mash, lamb and gravy was left over from last weekend- I had a boy over for dinner and I really hate wasting food, so I boxed it up and froze it. The ice cream I bought for mothering Sunday ages ago! I'm not a massive ice cream fan so it's been sat there since then. I just fancied it yesterday The Jamaican pasty I also got ages ago- I should have thrown it away when I cleared out the freezer last week, but i hate throwing away food that's ok.

If I had any unhelpful foods left, I'd give them away, but it's all gone now. I live alone so have no excuse at all to buy anything other than helpful foods. The worst things I have in the house are some tinned soup and pork scratchings which are my ex's, but I'd rather boil my own head than eat pork scratchings or tinned soup. I've kept them as sometimes my friend pops in unexpectedly and she'll make herself something to eat, like a tin of soup or something.

I think I will try your advice about writing things down. It may help me to pause, take a breath and ask myself if a ryvita would be sufficient! I am such a food lover- I just love food, I love flavours, tastes, cooking, experimenting. I was a chef some time ago, a pastry chef... I learnt a lot about food, how to make the most out of flavours and tried
lots of different food. When I eat something that tastes nice I get a warm fuzzy feeling that's not rivalled by anything. I knew that my food yesterday was nice as I'd had it already last weekend- so I got all excited over the prospect of all those flavours again.

Crikey I sound like an addict!!!

 

[weasey]

There's definitely a bit of crooked thinking going on there - as you've identified yourself - it is never a choice between fondant or chocolate! By thinking that to yourself you are giving yourself permission to eat the fondant. The "I've ruined it now I might as well eat more" thought is also crooked thinking - you did fantastically to recognise it and not give in to it. These crooked thoughts are those that can be addressed through the writing down how you're feeling and using that to move you out of the danger zone. It isn't that you can never eat fondant - it's that you should do so when making a fully rational decision - not when fooling yourself into it and giving yourself permission.

Also, you don't like wasting food - but by freezing it and eating it at an unhelpful time you are effectively using yourself as a waste bin. You deserve better than that.

Sorry - I'm feeling a bit strident today! Feel free to ignore me!

 

[Saddlebag]

Oooh Weasey you're so right! Perhaps I should be asking myself why I'm cooking too much- perhaps I'm subconsciously doing it so I can give myself an excuse to eat the leftovers another day? Oh, I just had a revelation! That's definitely what I do! *gasp*

I need to consider the consequences before eating. If I'd got on the scales this morning and not have put on 4lbs, I wouldn't have felt bad at all about yesterday. It tasted lovely and I really enjoyed it. But I'm glad I got on the scales today, because 4lbs is easy to put right. I'm not concerned that I'm a daily weigher as it does help me to put things right before that 4lbs turns into 7, which it could easily for me within a week.

 

[weasey]

That's true. It's not about making you feel bad though - that's not helpful - but quickly doing something about the issue is hugely positive.

 

[Saddlebag]

Thanks Weasey.

I've had a good couple of days food wise, still lots of fruit but been keeping track on MFP so that I don't go mad. I've been making little changes, such as not having honey on my yoghurt as I figured it was a bit indulgent when I was having fruit with it anyway.
Yesterday I made some chips out of celeriac, cooked in the oven with fry light. They were really nice and I had them with 2 eggs fried with fry light and some baked beans. It was delicious
Today my dinner was soup and eggs- sounds bizarre but a runny yolked fried egg in a bowl of hot soup is really nice!

I'm a little nervous about tomorrow. I'm going out with work and I'll be drinking- I've not had alcohol in a while so will try and take it steady!

 

[Saddlebag]

So. Thursday.

Breakfast- porridge with skimmed milk.
Snacks- sugar free jelly with a few peach slices, about 3 pieces of fruit
Lunch- brown bread x 2 with a low fat laughing cow triangle, lettuce and cucumber

And then the work night out occurred.

A half of Coors light.
A gin and soda.
A vodka and diet coke.

1 and a half hot dogs in white bread buns

3 more vodka and diet coke, could be 4
3 jagerbombs
Another vodka diet coke

Doner kebab and chips in a naan

Theres a distinct correlation between booze consumption and increased calorie consumption... So much for taking it steady!
I knew that it would be quite a boozy night out and that I wouldn't get away with having a couple and sneaking home. We were celebrating a number of things and I've not had a proper night out in ages, so I did really enjoy myself. But feeling rather bloated now! I've not been tiddly for ages.
On the plus side, I did do my 30 day shred this morning Not that it will make much of a dent in my calories consumed today... Oh well! I'm going to be good for the rest of the week now, today was instead of a 'free' weekend so I will make up for it.
Right, I've had a pint of water and am off to bed- please cross your fingers for no hangover tomorrow for me! It'll be a miracle if I've not got one after all the rubbish I've consumed!

 

[Saddlebag]

I'm celebrating a minor victory today. Just weighed myself and I'm 10.2 still. Hooray! From daily weighing I know that my weight has fluctuated a lot this week (but with calorie consumption like the above I'm not surprised!) but I'm glad I'm back where I was this time last week.
I'm pretty chuffed, because after my night out i actually got back to healthy eating again the next day, which is pretty unheard of for me! Usually that would be the beginning of the end, but now I care about the body I have worked for and I'm not going to sabotage it. I'm also glad because this means I'm starting to work out how much I can have to stabilise my weight.
I'm off shopping with a friend today, and we're meeting at 11. I'll have a late breakfast (after doing my 30 day shred ) but not sure what I'll do for lunch- she is currently on exante so we won't be eating in town or anything. I might take some fruit in my handbag. I've not bought a sandwich or anything from a shop yet as I look at them all and think 'how can that be 450 calories, what have you put in it?!!' I like to get as much as I can out of my daily calories (currently set at about 1200, gradually going to increase this) and 450 on 2 slices of bread and a filling is not value for cals!!

 

[Saddlebag]

Maintained 10.2 this week. Yay

 

[weasey]

Fantastic!

 

[Saddlebag]

Thanks Weasey! I'm chuffed. I've been working hard at it. I'm pretty strict during the week then on one of the weekend days I allow myself to indulge a little. I'm off out on the tiles tomorrow so that will be my indulgence!

 

[Hopingtobesmallersoon]

Well done saddlebag, that is great news!

 

[Saddlebag]

Thank you

This weekend has been full of weekend food (the saddlebag equivalent of weasey's unhelpful food!). Friday night I had baked chicken with brown rice and peas- quite healthy but I had a lot of it! Then for some reason I had ice cream... Which is now finished so tub is in the bin and obviously not bought any more (or I'll just eat it).
Saturday I was really busy but started off well with fat free Greek yoghurt and peach slices, and an apple. Went to the hairdressers then was rushing around as I had to go shopping before going out later, so found a few oven chips in the freezer which I finished (again won't be buying any more).
In town I had a low calorie chocolate bar from boots when I was peckish. When I got home I had 2 ryvita with peanut butter. Went to my friends before we went out, and ordered pizza... Had 2 slices of meat feast. Drank a lot lot lot lot lot lot LOT of booze, mostly sugary sweet stuff, then straight to the chippy where I had chips, cheese, mayo, battered sausages and a spring roll I ate the spring roll and threw the rest away after 1 or 2 bites.
Sunday morning my friend did a cooked breakfast- 2 slices of bacon, 1 egg, 1 toast and 2 sausages. For lunch I had a jacket potato with lighter than light mayonnaise, then for dinner a bowl of homemade soup. Then I made some biscuits (about 6) and ate them all....
So, that was my very weekend-y weekend! I know it looks completely out of control, but I just had whatever I wanted and really enjoyed it all. I'm totally looking forward to getting back on week-day food tomorrow though. I have a lunch do at a friend's which I don't really want to go to as she uses so much butter and cream etc in cooking, but I think she is doing a buffet so I'll probably take a dish and make it a healthy one!
I got on the scales and have put lots of pounds on, but feel no guilt at all, because I know that I can be really good during the week and I find it dead cleansing!

 

[weasey]

It's lovely to see so much enthusiasm Saddlebag! I'm feeling higely positive at the moment too. It seems like I've found the route which I need to take for the next few years after quite a bit of thrashing about looking. It's a great feeling isn't it?!

 

[GretaGrip]

Great diary and really helpful to me

I'm 10 st 3 and in 4lbs time plan to start a re feed / maintenance plan - looking forward to reading your progress

 

[Saddlebag]

Thanks Greta and well done on your loss!

I had a very calorific bank holiday weekend which showed on the scales. Weigh in is tomorrow so I'm hoping to have got closer back to 10.2 although I doubt I will be back there until at least next week.
Been very good since Tuesday and I intend to have a low cal weekend.

 

[Saddlebag]

I appear to be between 10.2 and 10.3. Which I'm very happy about, as it means I've pretty much lost the huge wedge I put on over the bank holiday weekend (which I think was about 6 or 7 pounds!! )
Bearing in mind how much I put on in those 3 days I'm chuffed that it's gone just as quickly. It was probably water from all the carbs as I didn't notice my clothes being any tighter, although I did have a pot belly on Tuesday!
So, just to keep my body back at the weight I'm happy at, I'm going to keep eating well over this weekend and not binge. I'm making a curry tonight for a friend coming over, but not concerned about that as I think I can make it in such a way that it'll fit into my 1200 cals a day. I'll do brown rice too instead of white.
Ooh, thought I would mention that I'm still doing my 30 day shred. I'm kinda stuck on level 1 (I want to do proper press ups!) but think I'll be progressing soon. I've got a sore wrist at the mo so I had a day off yesterday. I would say I'm enjoying it but that's not quite the right word

 

[weasey]

Well done! You're doing great at maintaing!

 

[Hopingtobesmallersoon]

Yes, that is super, well done you. Your starting to get a real idea of how your body is managing the food/life balance - it's really great