The Highs and Lows of Development

Wanted to say this is a really really amazing thread - so much good stuff and so much wonderful support for each other.

Development can be a difficult time, and it really helps to get into your Adult state and work out what you actually want to do - I find going back to Vision and Goals from week 2 can be extremely useful in reconnecting with that.

And also asking for support and taking really good care of yourself is crucial.

Good luck all.
 
Hi Developers,
I made the decision this week to change counsellors, I can't believe I have done it. It was a bit of a challenge to myself really, I needed to get out of my comfort zone because I know that management is where it will really happen for me. I went and told my old LLC that it was the last time I would be at her class, and I'm so glad I had the confidence to do it face to face.

Also I was having a huge conflict of emotions, being rejected for two jobs over the summer hit me really hard. On that hand I was a failure yet on the other I look in the mirror, feel fantastic and so full of confidence. I was really struggling with reconciling the two opposing emotions.

So by switching to a different counsellor I hope that by the time I start management my journey will be divorced from the negative rejection and just focussed on the positive new self-confidence.

Keep on going everyone, have good weeks.

Claire
 
Well done, Claire.

Fingers crossed for a peaceful Route to Management!!!

How and where IS everybody (I know I haven't posted either)?!!

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Sorry to hear you are struggling Sandra, its jolly hard work when you have been at it for so long, and part of you just wants to be 'normal again' and eat like everyone else. BUT we have got to remember that what was eating normal for us made us overweight and unhappy and we dont want to go back to that. I like you are struggling, and have not really got back into Ketosis since returning from holiday at the end of July, which coincided with the end of foundation for me and the decision to move to CD.
I think I would have struggled just the same on LL , as I really had reached the end of the line where abstinance is concerned and had concerns about staying in Ketosis for mcuh longer as I think it was adversely affecting my health, (pains in my Kidney region, foot and leg cramp etc).
Luckily on Cd you can mix food with packs like on management in LL , but its the old thin edge of the wedge scenario and you have to be even more incredibly disciplined than when in abstinance as its OK to eat but easy to get carried away.
Glasd you decided to share this with your group, you should never feel you are dragging down the mood or anything like that, you are doing LL becuase of the counselling and group support , if you dont feel able to use it then whats the point? its there for you, so make use of it.
Good luck Sandra . I know its hard but we know it is worth it, just a while longer now...
 
I am just dropping in to say that I am not going to be posting for a while - I am really having a struggle to stick to the diet and at the moment I dont think Mini's is particularly helping me. I don't mean the people on it, everyone is brilliant and I love this thread in particular. What I mean is that reading and posting on here is just reminding me of the struggles I have been having and the times I have broken abstinence, also I think sometimes when I read about people breaking abstienence it makes me think it is OK for me to do it too!

I hope everyone understands!
Good luck to you all.
 
Hey Developers :)

I'm back from my, what felt like endless work trip and holiday.
I've not done well.

Only managed to stay in abstinence for 2 days - this is not good. When I got on hols all of the demons hit in full force. I've never been on holiday on my own before and it just wasn't a great time to be left alone to see just how much damage I can do when noone can catch me out. Other than myself of course, so welcome to a week of self torture at extraordinary levels.

There is so much for me to work out, but mentally I'm just exhausted. I have no answers. After seeing the 8lb gain on the scales this morning I just wanted to cry. That in itself is ridiculous, I mean really, what exactly was I expecting? And to make things worse, that's 8lb heavier than my heaviest 'swing' weight...so really that makes me almost a stone heavier than I was a month ago. This is really, really bad.

It has given me enough of a shock to set me up mentally for what needs to happen now. But there are lingering voices which I'm not happy about.
The shock factor will keep me abstinent - no doubting that. But what happens when I shake off the excess? I've not been able to get under 13st for 2months now. When am I going to be able to find the strength to get under that nemisis threshold? And of course it's all completely self imposed. And has become SO huge that I've turned it into something much bigger than it needs to be.

I just feel like I've learned nothing. That's exactly how I feel right now. I've learned nothing.

I felt huge on holiday. Even though I was lying around in my size 14 bikini and bronzing in a glorious manner. I felt huge. I need to lose this weight. I need to get under this threshold weight that is currently ruling my life (and that's exactly what it feels like)

So - deep breaths and time for focus. And fun! I'm so miserable being chained to these thoughts around my weight, I need a completely different approach to get me at the right weight for management. So I've made the decision to stick with Development. It's the only way to get me physically ready for management (can't even dip into the mental readiness that I need, and am nowhere close to).

I do understand what's happened this week on hols. I really do. My problem is not around getting the insight, it's about what I'm going to do about it.
I really want to return to comfortable abstinence. It's definitely a hiding strategy, and I definitely want some of that! I've been through the 'I must start management' stage, and it's just not my time yet.
I'm going to become Abstinence super star scholar again - I'm so good in that state!

I'm very very very concerned about my hair. I accepted the whole hair situation from Day 1, but now it really is extremely noticeable that the front of my hair, above my fringe is very thin. In the wrong light it looks terrible. And there's absolutely no sign of re-growth. None whatsoever.
Anyone have any hair related thoughts/experiences they can share? My understanding was that introducing food again would encourage the shedding, but worry not, it will grow back.
So now that I'm going back to abstinence - what does that mean from a hair perspective?
Really value everyone's thoughts on this.

Hope everyone is doing great and look forward to catching up on all of the posts and buckling back down to it.

:D
 
Hia Tiger Girl,

I identified with a lot of what you wrote here.

Firstly though,

Quote "I just feel like I've learned nothing. That's exactly how I feel right now. I've learned nothing."

I too briefly considered the same thing Tiger. It is not true though because I have actually learned that it is not enough to learn the right way to have a good relationship with food, we have to actually physically do it. And that is the hardest part. To actually live with having a good relationship with food. Every day. Every hour.

So, not only thinking like a slim person would, but actually getting out of our comfort zone and behaving as a slim person would. Making decisions as a slim person would. When faced with a packet of biscuits, a slim person would have one or two and leave the rest. What would you (like to) do in the same situation? The choice is yours (ours). A slim person probably gets up half an hour earlier two or three mornings a week to fit in an exercise video before work. A fat person probably thinks about doing it, but actually when the alarm goes off, switches it off for another half an hours kip! When I say 'fat person', I actually mean someone who may look slim, but has the mindset of a fat person. Rather like me at the moment. I certainly look slim, but won't for much longer unless I 'change my fat person behaviour for slim person behaviour'. In fact, at this very moment, while I am typing to you, I should be getting ready for a session at the gym. I am somewhat avoiding thinking about doing it. However, I have told my husband that I am going, so I'd better get changed... in a moment. Because that is what a slim person would do. She'd take the opportunity to do a bit of a workout (half an hour) with the promise of a swim and jacuzzi afterwards. Mmmm, sounding lovely, I'm nearly convinced! Hehehe:D


Quote "I felt huge"

Blimey, after the huge amount of weight you've lost how can you feel huge? Well, very easily, because I felt/feel the same. It is weird that no matter how amazing we look compared to what we did look like, we are still not satisfied. I have finally realised that I never will be satisfied. Full stop. Having accepted that fact, I also am beginning to accept that I look ok. I do still find it hard to see myself as I really am, for example, I can look at someone else and wonder "am I smaller or bigger than her" and simply not know. Do you do that? I can't be the only one.

Quote "I'm very very very concerned about my hair"

I too remember being worried every time I washed my hair because loads of it seemed to fall out and clog up the plug hole. I don't know if some of the problem was all the highlights I kept getting. I've stopped all that now and my hair seems a lot healthier. Hopefully someone else will read your post with some good advice, Tiger.
 
...then I am going out of the house, into the car and into town. I am absolutely not going to meet my mates at Wetherspoons for a drink. Oh no. Straight to the gym for me.:D:D


May be pop in to 'spoons later on...
 
Have so much to say in response to what you wrote, but no time to say it right now - but just to say my hair has been falling off me in clumps! I have lots of fine hair so it doesn't show but I could knit a jumper from the hair I've lost since I started eating.
 
Hia Tiger Girl,

While I was at the gym (yes, I did go) I was thinking about your post and thought I'd jot down a few more thoughts and ideas which may help a bit.

Your comments about this

Quote "not been able to get under 13st for 2months now. When am I going to be able to find the strength to get under that nemisis threshold"

That I can really identify with because it has happened to me several times with past diets. What exactly was blocking me from going over this threshhold?

When doing LL I carried on past the threshhold and got through it unscathed, finally getting down to a weight which I'd never previously been as an adult.

However, what is blocking you from getting below 13 stone? I was thinking (when stepping mindlessly on the stepping machine) that there are fears we are conscious of, for example, spiders or heights, which we consciously avoid in our daily lives, because we don't want the negative feelings associated with dealing with them.

Then, there are the other fears, the unconscious ones, which we actually know nothing about. These fears which are very powerful and protect us from 'harm' on a daily basis. I have come to understand that I have serious self-esteem issues and losing weight has at last forced me to understand how this has impacted on my life. The excess weight I carried about for so many years and was never able to lose (like you, 13 stone was the nemesis), was actually a very comforting barrier which protected me from 'harm'. I could retreat into my comfort zone (food) when any difficulties arose and felt 'safe'. I could never understand why I did this, because I SO wanted to be slim and have a good relationship with food.

Our unconscious thoughts are the ones which ultimately guide our behaviours, no matter how much we consciously want to behave a different way.

OK. So I know all this, Tiger. I have this knowledge. Why can't I just 'change' my unconscious behaviours? Well, I can, but it will actually mean that I focus on this core belief (visualise a vast mountain, if you will), and remove it, chip away at it, wear it down, bit by bit, until it finally fades away. Of course, at the moment this seems a rather impossible feat to achieve.

What I'm trying to say is that you also have to try to find the 'core beliefs' which are stopping you achieving what you so want to achieve. This may not happen until you are ready for it to happen. I am coming to realise that just because I want something, I am not going to get it. The 'conditions' have to be right, first. But for the conditions to be right, I have to be (in my mind) in the right place and ready to move on to the next stage.

I don't know if I am explaining this very well because it is all new to me too. You ain't going to be ready to receive the knowledge and use it until you are at the right spot on the path. God, that's even more obscure! All I can say is, that that is the way it seems to be panning out for me. I mean, I understand that I personally have to learn lessons and learn them well, often several times, before they finally sink in and I move on.

OK, you're probably scratching your head by now and wondering 'what's she on?' Yes, I'm rambling but I'm on a roll! I am just putting the thoughts down without tidying them up first. I hope that Karion will come along and explain it for you in a couple of sentences! Hehehe

I hope that today, Saturday, find you in a happier state of mind. Well, it probably did until you read this post! I am just finishing my coffee and then popping into town for another session at the gym. I won't overdo it because I had a bad migraine on Thursday and still have a whisper of a headache.

Take care now.

Nice to read your post too Cerulean. I hope you can post again later with advice for Tiger about hair loss.

AmandaJayne
 
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Hello Everyone

Lovely to come on here and see some familiar "faces"! Amanda Jayne - hope you are hanging on in there. Very impressed you went to the gym. I have to say that I am really struggling on the exercise front since the cold snap! Needs attention!

Anyway, two things - I promised TG to post a thread on here, which starts off as self-sabotage and then goes nicely into addictive desires. I think it's worth a peep; in fact, I think we've all contributed!

http://www.minimins.com/lighter-life-forum/20859-self-sabotage-help.html

Sarah/Cerulean - great to have news of you - here and on the blog. I've been thinking of you and catching up here when I can. You seem to be making very good progress. You've raised some really good points that I WILL get round to dealing with!!!

Other than that, it's an up and down ride! No different from Development except food is in the mix!!!

Thanks for keeping this fantastic thread going; there's always so much on here and food for thought. Sorry, you know what I mean!

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Oh I love this forum so much - some amazing advice and experience. I wish I had known about this when I was doing my own LL programme - it would have been a great additional support.

Re the hair - some people experience some hair shedding as part of the programme - it's part of some people's natural response to a very low calorie diet and will all sort itself out.

While you are in abstinence, and in your body's famine mode, some parts of your body's non core activities slow down or stop - you can feel colder, and your nails and hair can stop growing or slow down. In a small proportion of people I see, a significant number of hair follicles all stop growing at the same time, and when hair starts to grow again (usually during Route to Management, but it can happen at any stage), the new hairs push the old ones out.

You can have between a couple of weeks to a couple of months of seeing this hair falling out before it all settles back into balance. It looks more dramatic the longer your hair is - I have long dark hair and lost a loosely tangled handful a day for a couple of months and my hair thinned slightly overall, but not really noticeably to other people, and it is now completely back to normal a few months later.

The thing to remember is that each hair is only falling out because a new hair is growing. The new hair was also created when you were on 100% of all necessary vitamins and minerals, so it is usually very healthy and shiny too!

In the meantime you can console yourself with how much longer you and your hair are going to live as a result of your weight loss!

Hope that helps - my experience as a counsellor with hundreds of clients is that this happens in a few of them, and ALL of them have gone back to normal within a few months.​
 
Hi, my name's Kate and I'm new! Came across this forum online whilst desperately looking for some support. I have been doing LL for 18 weeks now. I have lost 58lbs and have 12 to go to a BMI of 25 and 19lbs in total to get to my goal weight.

However, I'm at an all time low. I am really struggling with development - find the sessions nowhere near as useful as foundation and I have started to lapse on really silly things. My friend who started at a similar time to me has also started management and I feel really alone.

I know I am so close to my target but it feels so far away and unachievable - more unachievable than losing 5 stone seemed at the start. I am drinking between 4-6 litres of water every day and also going to the gym and doing 40mins of cardio at least 4 times per week.

Sorry to unload but desperate for some help/tips/support.
 
Hi Kate

Welcome to one of the best threads in town!

And well done on a marvellous weight loss to date. You sound really focused and have identified where you need support. That's a good start!

First things first - Development is a tricky kettle of fish (sorry for all the food analogies.)

The sessions - why do you think they are not as useful as before? If you have read this thread, you'll know we all were very opionated about where we felt the shortcomings were. Have you bonded with the group? Have you got people from Foundation in your group? I am guessing not as you say you feel alone.

Second, this thread has loads of support so hopefully we can help you - virtually - at least.

Lapsing - do you know what the triggers are? Have you done some thought records?

Goals - I think this is really, really important. Sarah/Cerulean and I had a great exchange (here on minis but not on this thread, I think) as we came close to our goals (well, I was too scared to set any but hope you know what I mean) - it all became super scary, at times. But you can white knuckle it, if necessary! Were you bigger for a long time or just recently? Personally, I think it makes a difference.

You said..I know I am so close to my target but it feels so far away and unachievable - more unachievable than losing 5 stone seemed at the start.

The closer you get to a weight you like, you start forgetting about stones and start focusing on pounds. I never would have believed this - I was oblivious to a stone or two loss or gain but now I am super conscious of a pound or two loss or gain - unless I had experienced it for myself. It's such a strange thing when it happens; it's such a different way of feeling and behaving.

The other thing I can say, with 100% certainty, is that WHATEVER you eat (lapse), the mental effects will be much, much harder to deal with. I don't know what the others will say - but - if you can, please try to stay abstinent and get the job done.

Furthermore, I would suggest you look back to when you were 100% abstinent; what were you doing? What strategies did you use? How did you cope then? What's changed?

I really wish you lots of luck; you are close and it's really good you reached out for help. The women on this thread are fabulous. We all know where you are coming from. I would suggest you read some blogs too - they are really helpful.

Let us know how you get on. Hope this advice helps.

Take care and welcome to the gang!

Mrs Lard xxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Mrs Lard,

Thanks for the kind words - re-read my earlier post and I realise how irrational it sounded. I must admit I struggle to do thought records and perhaps I should give them more of a go. The problems lie totally within my own head and my internal chatterbox more than anything else. I seem to be self-sabotaging. Its almost as if I don't want to get to goal because I don't believe I actually can! I have always been large - currently the smallest I have ever been (apart from on the way up!).

The development group does contain two members of my foundation group who I can caht to. But the CBT and TA doesn't seem to be as focussed and I don't seem to leave the meetings feeling as energised and positive as I did in foundation.

I have just got back from the gym and feel much better - determined to conquer those demons and demolish this last bit of weight.
 
Hey everyone :D

Just popped in and caught up - thankyou all so much for your lovely responses to my return post! 3 weeks away and ooh, that's a LOT of thinking time!

Things are on the move again - and in a good way.
AJ - thankyou for giving my post so much though on the treadmill!! And it all made perfect sense, it really did! They say that understanding your core beliefs is a bit like peeling the layers from an onion, there's always another one underneath - so true.
I guess this 13st threshold is a big one for me. I'm tall (5ft 8) and have always been able to carry my weight very well. Love, love, love clothes and have used this to my advantage from a 'disguise' perspective too. So now that the massively obese stage is over and I'm back to the weight that I was for so many years, I know this is where the next layer of the onion lives!
And I feel just as overweight now as I did back then, because 13st is definitely overweight. My limiting beliefs are all saying "It's fine - you look great. You always looked great at this weight", but I'm trying to build the empowering beliefs to take this one on! "You deserve to get under this threshold", "You can healthily and happily maintain a weight around 11st" and so on.
I'm building them up and determined to put them into practise.
When I finally, albeit briefly, dipped under 13st - I cried. It was the first tear I've shed since starting my LL journey. It completely knocked me off my feet and was a totally unexpected reaction. And we're talking proper on the floor sobbing!! I guess I should've realised then that was so much more of a bigger deal than I expected. That happened around Aug bank holiday, and I've not revisited that number on the scales since.

The whole experience terrified me and I'm still working through exactly why, but if we were writing a novel (and lets face it, this thread could easily be a blockbuster in the making!!), I think my character would've been described as 'reaching her moment of epiphany'. So like all good stories I need to craft the ending. I need to get to the 'and they all lived happily ever after moment'. I refuse to turn my own blockbuster into a tale of moralistic learning and lessons for us all when we take the wrong path!!

I'm now fully prepared to take the plunge and get under the 13st threshold. Nothing bad is going to happen. My key memory from the experience is how different I felt physically. I just can't put into words how different I felt! Isn't that weird? It scared me. I understand that now. It's been 15years since I was under 13st. The whole thing definitely reeks of self sabotage and the fear of the unknown. Well, I've been in the unknown zone countless times on non weight related issues, and actually thrive on this kind of thing. No safety net required for TG! So I am gonna get there again, and when I do I shall be revelling and relishing the fact, not running terrified from the scene!

I shall report back when I get there - it's not too far away :D
 
Welcome to the Developers thread Kitkat! :D
Everyone here has loads of experience and expertise on the very tricky Development stage, so post lots and you'll get loads of advice and support.
:)
 
Hello there Kitkatkin,

It is great that you've found this thread. Now you know you are not struggling alone and you have a place where you can share problems and solutions. The LL meetings are useful but often it is not possible for various reasons to talk through specific issues., and there is no doubt that group dynamics can make a difference, particularly when members change, as they do with development/management.

It can be really helpful to be able to come here and read other peoples thoughts and ideas about dealing with the day to day struggles of living with food issues. Also, I like the relative anonimity of being able to post freely here. As someone who finds it difficult to open up to family/friends about my food issues, it is a relief to have a place to come and explore various issues in greater detail with other people who understand. Keep reading and posting when you can, Kitkatkin (cat lover, perhaps?)

By the way, congrats on a fantastic weight loss so far.

AmandaJayne
 
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