The Highs and Lows of Development

Hi Tiger Girl, its great to see you are so positive, and what a fantastic loss! 8lbs is brill. You have it under control now, and you are going TO DO IT!!!
Don't buy too much at the moment, I'm regretting buying stuff at the moment. Had a big do in Primark last Saturday, believe it or not I bought Age 12 to 13 trousers! My 12 year old daughters face was a picture!

Helen, hope you draw inspiration from TG's fabulous return to form. Its great to see it is possible to get it back.

Best wishes everyone
Claire
 
Claire - I'm picking up your Developers form where you left it!! Thanks so much for the support :D
And yes, good old Primark is featuring heavily just now, but that's not stopping me from buying just the most fabulously expensive shoes right now! Have got to reign in the spending!!
:)
 
Thanks JDI, yes it is great to see TG on such good form and she definately gives the rest of us hope!

Thanks TG - both for your positive strokes and for showing us the way to go! What a fantastic weight loss you must be thrilled! I am so pleased for you, 8lb is amazing!

Back with a vengence now!
 
Back with a vengeance Helen - brilliant! :D

I've just plotted my updated numbers on my chart, and according to the dates, a 3lb average weight loss will take me up to 11st on the nose on NEW YEARS EVE!!!

I'm sensing something significant here :D

I posted elsewhere about someone elses post (!), I think it might have been Sez actually who said it, but it really struck a chord with me; "This New Year will be the 1st year when I will not be making the resolution to lose weight"
How powerful is that?

That's so how I feel right now. 2007 - the year of weight loss. 2008 - the year of maintenance. That's how I want it to be.
(or 'two thousand and ate', as one of my friends put it today!)

:)
 
'Two thousand and ate'. Hilarious ;)

Anyway - go you! Here's to having a new new year's resolution!
 
Well Development just goes from the sublime to the ridiculous. I think I may have overdone it on the self hypnosis front. I just cannot bear the thought of food. I'm struggling to get my foodpacks down. I'm *forgetting- to-eat*. If someone had told me this 3 weeks ago I would not have believed it possible.
Everything has gone very calm. Thank god!

How is everyone getting on?

Sarah - the new new years resolutions are going to be mind blowing!
:)
 
By the way TG, I thought your comment on not treating bars as a treat was really smart and I wonder if it's why I got so addicted to chocolate bars in management - there might be something in this!
 
Hi Girls

Well,I'll be honest; I couldn't post on here because well, I think I've been retreating in my cave! Things weren't clicking for me. Not at all. And I didn't want to be churlish.

I've noticed a cycle now - one bad meal doesn't mean the end of the world but one bad meal seems to get followed by....other indiscretions. A combination of bad timing, poor organisation and physical exhaustion meant that I wasn't doing management at all. But these are all excuses.

I've been grappling with Route to Management ever since I jumped ship early. I've been chasing an additional loss of 2lbs to make the total LighterLife loss of 5 stone. Somehow, 4stone 12lbs wasn't doing it for me. I was fixating on the 2lbs. And by focusing on the 2lbs that hadn't been lost, I could continue to really give myself a hard time and feel like a failure. Crooked thinking, yes but that's how it was. I felt no real sense of achievement for the weight lost but just kept looking at those 2lbs and could continue to berate myself. This was coupled with some binge/abstinent cycles. And the 2lbs still didn't come off, even when I went back on packs!!!!

And this is how it has been since August. On my own scales, there's been a half stone swing, easily, and on my LLC's scales it's a much, much smaller swing - 2-3lbs. Up and down, up and down. I thought that this was a sign of more failure since people lose weight in Route to Management (something I was banking on) and people in my own group were losing weight in RtM. They were, of course, following the programme to the letter!

TG asked me what losing 5 stone would do for me and I had to think. It reminded me of the infamous online discussion that Sarah (Cerulean) and I had about getting to RtM. It would mean that we had succeeded (with weight loss) in a way that we hadn't before. And if we could achieve THAT, what else could we achieve?! I thought that was the answer but it didn't stop my self destructive behaviour.

Last night I talked to my LLC and going back to week 3 or week 4 with Route to Management since I am all over the place with it. We talked about the infamous 2lbs (again!) and she looked back at my weight losses. She told me I had done really well to hold the weight loss and really made me think about what my long-term goals were; is it to be toned (I mentioned going back to the gym and the possibility that I may put on weight with muscle gain) or is it to get to a certain weight - the 5 stone weight loss.

As you know, I really rate my LLC and as she was talking to me, my internal chatterbox was shouting. It was if I couldn't bear to hear what she was saying (and she was saying some lovely, encouraging things). And a lot of it was linked to being good enough.

And then something clicked - not there and then but last night. Maybe I have got where I need to get, weight wise. Maybe there is no more weight to lose (there are many OTHER things I can do so the job isn't done! - getting through RtM for starters, not eating destructively for another, etc, etc, etc). Maybe I have been focusing on the wrong thing.

There came a point - a few days ago - when the scales were continuing to climb. I was conscious of it and felt depressed about it yet seemed strangely detached. I felt completely out of control. And that scared me. But I didn't change my behaviour.

Yesterday the scales are showing losses again! Phew! I've lost 2lbs of the 3lbs I put on from two weeks ago - based on LLC's scales.

I need to let go of this obsession (TG, you were right!). Maybe I need to accept that the weight loss part of the journey IS done and now it's time to sort out the eating. Reading Sarah's Route to Management thread is really helpful. Seeing her food consumed was enlightening.

Yes, it's time to start over!

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxxxx
 
Mrs L...

What can I say ... Hurrah!!! You and I could have been the same person this week.
We both seem to have come to the same decision as well. Great minds think alike and all that?
I started RtM early (according to BMI very early) and hoped that I would continue to lose weight, which I did for the first week. Then last week pretty much stayed the same and fought hard to achieve that - hopping on and off the scales and stressing about every mouthful trying to balance the scales. This week more of the same, the scales just aren't moving downward at all. The fluctuations are terrifying as well. Every day on packs I could guarentee that I would weigh 3.5 lbs lighter first thing in the morning with an empty bladder than I did last thing at night. Once real food was introduced, these fluctuations can be anything up to 7-8lbs a day (which seems impossible to me) and it is making it near impossible to keep any kind of track of how my weight is doing from day to day. I started to freak out good and proper at the beginning of this week and was so fearful of eating anything at all that my partner had to step in and give me a good talking to. I didn't realise just how unhealthy my thinking had become until that rather painful conversation.
So I made the decision that (like you) I was done with the weight loss part of the programme for now. It was far too much pressure. Much as I would like to get at least another 7lbs off - it will have to wait. the important thing for me now is to use all my energies to build a normal, healthy and relaxed way of eating that will maintain my 7 stone weight loss. Afterall, what is the point in stressing over a few pounds if I can't keep the weight off in the end anyway.
My priorities have now changed - I felt a physical click somewhere deep in my head and the panic just switched off. I need to be a weight holder (new territory for me) and accept that there will be no more downward shifts on those scales. I have to learn to accept me as I am and acknowledge my achievement so far (something I have denied myself so far for fear of jinxing the whole thing).
There is also a whole load of head-work to do regarding self esteem and confidence. A second job I need to pour my heart and soul into so I can change my future for the better etc etc. I need to spend some time on me and that is quite definately a first for me.
In the grand scheme of things a few pounds is a much lower priority to all of that!!!!
I hope you are feeling like you made the right decision Mrs L - I know I have.
Take care
Laura
 
Seems like a revolution is going on at the moment, well done everyone for everything.

Mrs L - its great to see you in a better place.

Laura - good for you and I think the self esteem bit plays a huge part in success. I attribute my own ability to deal with management to my huge switch in self esteem.

I think relaxing and letting go is also a big factor in success. Not easy after a lifetime of stressing over the scales. I am finding it hard to let go of the got to lose mentality. My head knows it but that old habit is taking a long time to break. Weight holder, weight holder weight holder... I need to remind myself too.

Best wishes everyone
Claire
 
Hi, everyone sounds so positive, great,
Tiger girl what's the bit about the self hypnosis, I must have missed that post? Sounds interesting.
All the best everyone.
 
Hi

I think the relaxing and letting go is essential and a very important part of what we learn on LL. OK so I am not on rtM yet but have learnt to deal with the times I have eaten in a much more relaxed way than previously. This means that I have kept getting back on the program. I haven't beaten myself up about the times I have fallen of the wagon (until the last couple of weeks anyway) and the result is that I am now back on track and continuing to lose weight. This has never happened to me before on any diet I have tried - I have eaten a mouthful of something I shouldn't which has then continued through the rest of the day - then week with a start again next monday attitude - and then I have given up totally. To me, at this stage, being understanding with myself and not overly critical is the most important thing I have learnt so far and the thing that has bought me so far on this journey.

So - weigh in on Monday was not inspiring as I stayed the same. However I was very grateful I didn't show a gain. I managed to avoid the post weigh-in eating I have been doing lately and have been living in very happy abstinence ever since. My scales are dropping into territory unknown and unseen for the last 22 years and I am waking up very happy every morning. I have been living with demons for the last couple of weeks stressing every day about what the scales would say and battling to get the weight I gained at the beginning of the week back off by the end of the week. I am now going to bed reminding myself of how happy and contented I am feeling and how happy I will feel in the morning as a form of positive reinforcement. I am hoping that if I am about to give into temptation at any point I will be able to draw upon this as a reason to stay strong and abstinent. As the week goes on and the scales are dropping lower I am pretty confident I am going to lose more than 3lb this week and the more positive the results I can see, the less likely I am to eat. This is the sort of vicious circle I like! I have just beaten the trip round sainsburys with no urge to buy something to eat and am feeling calm and serene.

I really am beginning to feel I am on the last stretch of this journey and am confident that all of us who have posted recently are all going to manage to finish our journeys successfully! Its great that we are all sounding so confident and on track.

TG where did you put the bit about not thinking of bars as treats? I love the new cranberry and its the highlight of my day, I would like to read what you wrote in case I need to be aware of my attitude to it. Is it on this thread or a private mail with cerulean? I couldn't find it anyway.
 
Hey Developers :D

Wow - so many fabulous posts and breakthroughs for everyone just now.

Helen - I mentioned the bars on a post to John who had asked if it was a bit crooked to think of having a bar as a treat. I replied that I thought it was. The bars are a funny old thing psychologically, I guess we think about them as treats when we're in abstinence as it's the closest thing to eating we're going to get. The minute I tried one of the cranberry bars I thought 'uh-oh' because I loved it that much! For me, ie where I am in the programme just now I'm choosing to think that it's ok to like them a lot as it's a change - bit nothing more than that. If I get too attached to them as 'treats' then it leads straight into an area of reward. And rewarding through food is kist one of the most dangerous territories for me to be in. I have been way to quick to reward myself with food in the past. I've had a tough day - reward with food. I've had the most happiest day imaginable - reward with food. I'm stressed to bits - reward with food. And so on...
It was so so hard for me in early Foundation to design non food related rewards.
That was it really. I don't think there's anything too tricky involved in 'liking' the bars, but I try to keep my focus on seeing them as the ultimate in convenience in a practical way rather than an emotional way.
I am seeing so much of myself just now in your post. Loads of positive affirmations and it really does bring so much calm and serenity when you're just back in the programme. You're doing brilliantly just now :D

Icycold - the self hypnosis thing was a bit flippant! In my turning the corner moment a couple of weeks ago I just really focused on my self dialogue. I found myself just repeatedly telling myself that abstinence was easy (and other things along these lines), almost like a mantra! And really practising my affirmations. So much so that I have actually had 2 days where I've eaten nothing (I know this is not in any way shape or form something to celebrate - it just happened without me even realising. Both occassions being days when I was delivering workshops and was up on my feet 'teaching' all day long) I've gone affirmation mad! (I know Cerulean has posted some stuff on the success of absorbing so much Paul McK stuff from his CD's - so it may be useful for you to read about it on her management thread if you're interested in it)

Mrs L - wow! Could this be the breakthrough you've been waiting for? No wonder it's been a tricky one. How difficult is it to accept that you're ok and satisfied with the weight you are, when you've spent so many years running the 'I must lose weight' belief? (and when I say 'you' I mean 'we' of course!!)
I'm totally with chunky chick on this one and can imagine that clicking into the whole new belief set around being a weight holder as oppose to a weight loser is incredibly new territory.
I mentioned the New Year resolution thing, and it still remains a big motivational thing for me. But for sure, I'm certain that I'll be terrified when I get to that point as it is quite simply a life changing core belief change for me!! Letting go. It's so huge isn't it?
I'm so pleased that you've been able to share this one as it will really help me to prepare for that and not just let myself be overwhelmed by it.
I'm so pleased for you :D

So my own little abstinence adventure rocks on. The demons flew in tonight - the really mean awful one's. I was at the theatre and actually had to leave at the interval they were so bad. I promised myself when I got back into abstinence that the one thing I was going to do for myself when/if they hit was that I would get through it. I would at least let myself win just once. And I did!
I'm tired. I'm working so hard just now. I've not had nearly enough water over the last 2 days and I'm just feeling a bit wiped out. I didn't want to go to the theatre, I wanted to go home but I gave in cos I didn't want to let people down. But I knew that the kindest thing that I could do for myself was head home. I worked it out by visualising a chart in my head and scribbled up all of the things that were more important to me than food. It was a surprisingly long list. It got me through. A few weeks ago I would've caved. I'm so pleased.

My scales say I'm almost at 13st - ah, the brick wall weight for me! It's highly unlikely that I will be in the 12's by Monday WI, but I definitely will be the following week. And then I truly will have the finishing post in sight.
 
Thanks for the explanation Tiger Girl, I shall try a few PMA mantras, doesn't take a second, and I'm sure it all helps. I've had a a quick look at Ceruleans and Mrs.L's chat on Paul McK, CDS's. I taped his weightloss programs when he did the 3 shows on Sky 1, I'll dig them out this weekend. Have a good weekend, you might surprise yourself at Monday weigh in, fingers crossed.

All the best everyone
 
Hey everyone.
Bad bleak times are here and I need some help.
The last 2 days have been exact replica's of the 'Big Fall' 2months ago. And what do you know, it's the 13st marker again.

What happened?
Well, just like last time, I was in the magic number zone and started to freak. It's been a 2 day process. I won on Thursday. Yesterday, they hit and I got through it, they hit again and in complete panic mode I did a thought record and then 10mins later they hit again so I picked up my car keys and went to the gym. When I was in the gym I think I may have made the situation worse (mentally) as I felt kind of traumatised with a "no, please no - not again. I thought I'd got through this" kind of thing. I left the gym and stopped at Sainsbury's to get some coffee (seriously, what was I thinking?) And then even though at one point I could hear a voice saying 'just get out of here, turn around and run!' I didn't.
I caved. And in what can only be described as, in not exactly a half hearted way.

So where do I go from here? This time I've got the experience of last time in my toolkit. Emotionally I've worked it out over the last few weeksand feel that I have the insights into why this happens. I know I have this mega mental block about being at this weight and rationally I'm no longer scared of getting under it. Physically I appear to be at odds with myself. When the demons hit at this weight it's quite simply like nothing I've ever experienced. It gets hold of me physically in a way which is hard to describe. I physically feel empty and that the only way to feel better is to fill myself up.

So what's different?
Well this time I know so much more about what's going on. I've now had 2 experiences to give me the learnings. So that has to be a good thing. I also feel pretty strong that I'm not going to go off into continual downward spiral again. ie I can already see my jam packed weekend and following week in complete abstinence. I can see that some things need to be avoided for the next month, ie situations that I need to avoid.
But overall, I'm really so down about what happened last night. I really am.

So - practical help is what I'm after!
Mrs L and I had a chat about 'freaking out' at certain weight ranges. Has anyone else experienced this? As much as I hate having to say it, because I'm SO angry that I feel it, I don't appear to feel normal when I get to this weight.

I really thought I had it nailed. 2 full weeks back in abstinence and now a fall - and a big one.

I will put last night behind me, and I've already proven that I can get back on the wagon, so back on I get basically. But WTF am I going to do when the demons get hold of me at this level? I really think I can categorise my demon desires into green, amber and red levels. We're talking Code Red here! I can manage the green and amber ones and after all of this time SS'ing can list my triggers and success strategies to get through all of the green and ambers very very easily. Green and ambers are dealt with almost unconciously now - I've definitely mastered them. It's the reds that are the problem.

All help, shared experience, top tips welcome. The one thing I have done is get all of my journals and diaries out - thank god I've kept these so rigidly - so at least I can pre-empt the pattern, ie I can ready myself for the next expected hit and be in the best place possible to beat it.
I have my PT sesh on Saturdays, so the gym is beckoning and that will be some kind of damage limitation as i do my big cardio sesh of the week and have my personal training combined on Saturdays. But what I can't do is jump straight back into the cycle of using the gym to maintain the wrong weight!

Thanks in advance guys, this post is a bit of an SOS and I kind of need everyone to get into their lifeboats!
xxx
 
Dearest TG

I am going to think about this and email you. And I'll copy the relevant bits on here, too.

Lifeboats to the rescue!

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxx
 
Tiger grirl I'm useless at the psychology part of the LL journey there are much better people for that, on the practical, here and now, life boat side, just keep as busy as you can, if you can feel this is going to be a bad day. Drink loads, keep saying Monday's weigh in will be amazing, keep thinking Monday will be briliant weight loss, tire yourself out, clean up, wear yourself out and go to bed early.

Fingers crossed for you.
 
Thanks iceycold.
Pleased to report all good, calm and abstinent over here. I'm officially putting myself on Demon Watch. And I have to say, right now, bedtime just can't come quick enough.
Fingers crossed for WI tomorrow. I'm certain there will be no gain, but I really would like to see a loss. Apart from Friday's fall I've been 100% so lets hope the abstinent heavens are shining down brightly. But I guess after 8lb from the previous week I have to get things in perspective!
I'm keeping busy and talking to myself in a good way :)
 
Hi TGSorry I didnt catch your post yesterday - was out for the day. Well I have had this problem at certain points - more BMI related than weight though. It took me a while to get under a BMI of 35 which for me is around your 13stone mark and then again I have hit problems getting under the 30 BMI mark which is just under 11stone - I have been hovering here for ages ie throughout the summer, it has taken me since July to get through the 11's. Psychologically it just seems to be a real stumbling block for me but I am not sure why so I am not sure I have any practical advise for you. On the other hand I was discussing this at my LL meeting on monday and my counsellor asked me what it would take to break through this barrier - we worked out it was about 4lb which we decided I could manage in 2 weeks max. I decided I really could manage without food for that amount of time and would just grit my teeth and get on with it. Somehow discussing it made it an achieveable target and one that I could actually face.Regarding the bars I love the new cranberry and I like the crunchy peanut but not as much. However its the crunchy peanut that makes me want to carry on eating - I discovered myself looking through cupboards for something else to eat after the one I had for lunch. Somehow it seems to knock me into binge mode so I don't think I will be having any more of those this week! I look forward to the cranberry bar but don't really think of it as a reward so hopefully I do have it in its proper place! It will be one of the last foodpacks I drop though I feel.I have been feeling this week that I have been living in a fog for the last couple of months and that now the fog is slowly clearing. I am getting food back into its proper place I think. The further I travel from the last time that I ate conventional food the less I am generally wanting to eat it. There are odd moments but generally that is how I have been feeling. I keep thinking that I only have about 7 more weeks or so left and will be at target before christmas. I am going to eat christmas dinner and want to be able to do so with a reasonably clear mind. I know that I will be in the early days of rtM so will be eating lots of things I shouldn't but want to be at target by then, currently this is helping me to keep to the straight and narrow. A while ago I said I was only going to do the diet until 26th November which was 10 weeks and my llc suggested a did a chart split into 10%s. Well in the early days it didn't help much but I put a star on for every week that passed regardless of how I did, now I am almost half way it is really beginning to help. I do feel I will have to extend it by a couple of weeks but my llc suggested I didn't dwell on that until the initial 10 weeks was up and I knew how close to target I was. Looking at that chart and seeing how quickly the weeks are passing is really motivating now. Is this something you could try?Let us know how you are doing
 
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