This is me! (Management diary)

How are you getting on, julz? I identified a lot with your post, and the phrase 'I so deserved' stuck in my mind, as it's very familiar to me. But I wonder if it's unfair of us to think like that about ourselves when we eat something that we wouldn't normally prefer to do? Who says we 'deserve' to be punished for overeating? I'm trying to get to a more neutral place around food, and get away from the whole reward, treat, sin, good, bad thing. It's difficult because it is ingrained -not just in me but in a lot of advertising (particularly around foods aimed traditionally at women).

I just don't think it serves me any more, as looking at food in that way (when in reality it is simply fuel and nourishment) really triggers my 'rebellious child'.

I'm having some wobbles myself as I'm up at 68kg and really don't understand why! Seems if I even sniff a carbohydrate I immediately gain 4 lb literally overnight. Very odd. Really would like to be a size ten but don't think it's going to be realistic for me. Some shops I am but mostly I'm a 12 to 14. (although I'm chuffed to be able to go into those shops at all these days after years of being too big, I have to say I take issue with shops that label a '12' as 'large')!!

Most of the time am incredibly happy with life though and can't believe what a difference a year makes. Bit stressed today as I have a big week at work, which is going to be challenging to say the least, but am trying to keep focused on the fact that time passes no matter what we do!
 
Spanglymum said:
How are you getting on, julz? I identified a lot with your post, and the phrase 'I so deserved' stuck in my mind, as it's very familiar to me. But I wonder if it's unfair of us to think like that about ourselves when we eat something that we wouldn't normally prefer to do? Who says we 'deserve' to be punished for overeating? I'm trying to get to a more neutral place around food, and get away from the whole reward, treat, sin, good, bad thing. It's difficult because it is ingrained -not just in me but in a lot of advertising (particularly around foods aimed traditionally at women).

I just don't think it serves me any more, as looking at food in that way (when in reality it is simply fuel and nourishment) really triggers my 'rebellious child'.

I'm having some wobbles myself as I'm up at 68kg and really don't understand why! Seems if I even sniff a carbohydrate I immediately gain 4 lb literally overnight. Very odd. Really would like to be a size ten but don't think it's going to be realistic for me. Some shops I am but mostly I'm a 12 to 14. (although I'm chuffed to be able to go into those shops at all these days after years of being too big, I have to say I take issue with shops that label a '12' as 'large')!!

Most of the time am incredibly happy with life though and can't believe what a difference a year makes. Bit stressed today as I have a big week at work, which is going to be challenging to say the least, but am trying to keep focused on the fact that time passes no matter what we do!
Click to expand...

Not too bad thanks spanglymum, it's been a bit up and down, sometimes like right now, I'm really focussed and determined, I got up this morning and did my lateral thigh trainer, the my mini trampoline I bought at the weekend, full on day at work, just home and fancy doing shred shortly, good day with packs etc. Yesterday, starving all day, mind thinking I want... I will have ..., but didn't, why I can somedays and not others I have no idea. I did have a choc bar Saturday which I enjoyed and told myself before I went in the shop, 'if I buy this small bar of chocolate, I will enjoy it slowly and will not feel guilty or have any regrets'. That's exactly what I did, i took a couple of hours to eat it, and I really enjoyed it.
Last week when I was having my moment, with all the will in the world, my chatterbox drove me nearly insane.

I went into sainsburys at the weekend as they had a sale on, and I bought 2 dresses, 3 skirts, and a jumper. Size 8/10/12, I only kept one dress, size 8!! It looks lovely black and red, I wore it today for a business meeting and it looked fab. So am I at the place I want to be? No, want to lose my belly a bit more, trying not to focus on a weight, but weigh myself everyday!

Still not sure where and why my brain deals with things differently, and feel sometimes I am sabotaging myself, where is the logic to that?
Looking forward to Thursday night when I get the maintenance info and decide if I'm ready to or another week on total, I feel I need to eat, some days overwhelmingly so, other times, nervous about coming off packs, and will I cope. I seem to be making reasonable choices when I'm out and need to eat, but then when I have food in my fridge and I'm on my own, and the old feelings come back? Will I be able to stop?? Didn't manage it with the cheese the other night :(
There is a certain security with packs, yes it's easier as no choices to be made, I feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice, and not sure if I will ever be able to eat 'normally'. I don't mean go back to old eating habits, more than that, I mean go out for a meal and find something to eat that is not going to send my brain into spasm about carbs, fat or calories. I so want the rest if my life for food to be nourishment and fuel, so that it's not an 'issue'.

Hope you are doing ok
Jx
 
Size 8?!! Wow!!

I think I must have the mythical "large frame" as I'm staying reasonably stable at 145lb these days (up a few down a few) but have mainly size 12s in my wardrobe - and one or two 14 jackets as otherwise they pull across my shoulders. Maybe that's why people used to tell me I could carry the weight well when I was 16 stone?

Having a weird week this week. Been mega-stressed at work as some deadlines were a week earlier than I'd been told, and the instructions I was left for some statistics calculations are less than comprehensive so it's been a race against time to get stuff done on time as well as accurately. Not a good position to be in. I'm determined the same thing won't happen again next month though - so will work out a better way of preparing for next time round.

Anyway - it's been an up and down week. In some ways "up" because I finally moved into my own office and got it all laid out the way I want it. (It looks FAB if I say so myself!) And the joy, the BLISS, of being able to CLOSE THE DOOR when I'm snowed under cannot be underestimated! So that's been great - but other things not so good. Been having wobbles around food - major carb cravings. Then hubby and I went out to dinner last night which was lovely but I feel rubbish today because I allowed myself to have wine (and a margarita!) which were fun at the time but I'm now feeling depressed. Alcohol always has that effect on me and now I only drink very very rarely the effect is even more pronounced. Also depressed because I stepped on the scales yesterday and as I drop packs my weight is creeping up again :(

Anyway - hopefully a better day today. We've got our church harvest lunch today which we haven't been to before. In the interests of trying to be more sociable (hubby and I can be a bit hermit-like at times!) we're going to go along and I'm looking forward to it.
 
Yes size 8, but only in some styles, others are 10/12, so I'm not too unhappy as I have increased my exercise again so hopefully the shape will follow. Still have big belly!

Sorry to hear you are struggling, did you do management? I just got my phase one pack last week, that's the new name, and it seems straight forward, although, I'm a bit confused as to whether you can add anything else to the list as it looks pretty dry, so going to check with LLC this week.
Anyway, if you are struggling, maybe you can speak to your LLC and have a refresher on how to deal with your feelings about guilt when you have eaten something.
We do need to be able to eat all sorts of foods without feeling guilty. In moderation I thought we could have everything??

Maybe someone already on maintenance can come in here and offer some more input.
Great news about your office, and sanity you will be able to have, try and enjoy it, without the mega stress!
:bighug:

Hope you have a better week
Jx
 
I was having a difficult few days, it's true! I am quite an anxious person, and a perfectionist, and can be very self-critical. All of which triggers 'rebellious child' in me. I'm learning though, I think!

If I start to feel I'm 'failing' - and last week I felt that way about work and carbs - it can easily become a spiral of anxiety and acting out with 'comfort' behaviour.

So I turned it around. LL has given me tools to think and pause and not just act out spontaneously or if I do, to consider why and plan a different response next time. I'm by no means expert at it yet but am very hopeful that I'm moving in the right direction.

The way I turned it around? Identified what was causing me anxiety, asked myself is there anything I can do about this?is the stress justified or disproportionate? (putting myself back in 'adult' mode) And then set to work yesterday...

More later need to get ready for work or I'll be late!!
 
Yay!!! So glad to hear it spanglymum, I'm going through such a similar time, rebellious child seems hard to quieten at times. I had a real 'moment' last night which was a breakthrough to me, and tested me to my inner core, but I resisted eating and managed to stay on track the whole evening, when I really was 'hungry'! Or was I?
Anyway glad you have made a breakthrough too and hope your week is better.
Jx
 
P.S. I've been tending to read minimins on my ipod and the icons don't come through. Just seen your "bighug". v cute! Many thanks!! :D
 
And to continue in this upbeat frame of mind - I had my hair trimmed back into shape at the weekend and got my hubby to take a pic...
 

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I actually have just the one chin! Remarkable!! :D

Life is good you know. I realise now how many years I wasted being unhappy deep down. Not majorly, traumatically (apart from postnatal depression twice which is a whole separate story) but sort of disassociated from my real feelings. And then comforting myself with food and alcohol.

Like everyone I've had some real sadnesses in my life. As it comes up to Christmas I start thinking about my sister and what she might be doing now if she hadn't died so young. But her death doesn't have to keep on defining me. She wouldn't want me to waste this gift of life in sorrow.

Since LL I've started to have the courage of my convictions about me and my likes/dislikes outside work (have always been pretty confident in a work context!) it might sound strange, but I feel I had a pretty good idea of who I was by the time I was about six. I was geeky and wordy and into colour and pattern and art and music and maths and books. I was full of enthusiasm and silliness and loved making people laugh.

But when my sister died when I was 14, slap-bang in the middle of the melodrama and self-absorption of adolescence, it all seemed pointless. Worthless.

Except it isn't. It really isn't! Yesterday morning I drove to work and there was mist rising off the fields and I felt so lucky to be alive, to have my lovely happy family, my fun job with books and computers and colour and design, and my health. Life is good!
 
Sorry had to say - You are amazing Spangly - so glad you feel positive and happy. x
 
Thanks, pymster.

I wish this was going to be another happy post but afraid not. My cat was run over yesterday. The third cat since April!! I feel terribly responsible. I shouldn't have brought them here from the cat rescue. It's meant to be a 20mph zone but no one seems to keep to it. She was beautiful and so affectionate, even in the short time I had her. After her brother was knocked down she seemed even more precious to me. We got another cat to keep her company but she got killed too. And now Jess.

She used to sit on my chest and put her furry head under my chin. So sad.

Had a binge last night. Obviously didn't help! But kind of needed to be that angry rebellious child for a bit.
 
Well, I'm back on track more or less, foodwise. Understandable really to go off track a wee bit when life throws these things our way. I guess it would be more helpful to have some other coping strategies though! Not sure why other things don't appeal as much as the "quick fix" of sugar and alcohol. Herbal teas? Bubble bath? Soothing music? Essential oils in a burner? You see I can think of plenty of other lovely things when I put my mind to it - but in extremis I still go back to the tried, tested (and rejected!?) solutions...

Ah well it's all a learning curve, isn't it?!
 
Hmm... not sure how "on track" I am, really. Maintaining really is a challenge! I'm doing ok, but finding a balance between being paranoid about the scales and actually living a bit is quite difficult. As my LLC says, it's still relatively early days, management-wise, so I guess I need to not be too hard on myself when I wobble.

(And I do. Wobble, I mean. That's how I know I'm a couple of pounds over where I like to be. I'm not weighing myself every day - just once a week. I can feel it in my hips and upper arms though. Ugh.)

I want to get on with my Couch to 5k programme but there always seems to be a reason (excuse) not to! Like last night was a big church meeting. Tonight I have my mother in law and sister in law round for the evening, and tomorrow all day/evening... and so it goes. I know it's just half an hour/40 minutes a few nights a week but I always find reasons!

Even found myself wondering the other day whether I should bite the bullet and do it in the early morning? I get up at 6am as it is...
 
Woohoo! It's dark and drizzling but I've just been out and started the running programme! So proud of myself! Endorphin-tastic!
 
Thanks! I'm still pleased with myself this morning! Now for the even harder part: keeping it up for long enough so it becomes part of my routine.
 
I know just what you mean, the part my brain does not seem to accept is the concept of consistency that is required Romans informed adult choices ALL the time, and not let old habits creep in, I'm struggling almost daily at some time. Only on week 3.......
Sugar is my main craving so have been eating lots of sugar free jellies which help, most of the time.
Jx
 
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