This is me! (Management diary)

"Romans"?! Am assuming that's your iPhone being creative or something! ;-)

Am planning to go running again tonight. It's one night on, one night off in the early stages of the programme. It feels good to have something to focus on and work towards again. I missed that when I reached goal.

This is the week in our monthly cycles at work where I have to do loads of very obscure calculations, and I'm so not looking forward to it. Am finding myself looking forward to the run tonight as an antidote! I'm hoping in a few month's time i'll be able to change the monthly meetings but until I've done it a few times I know I need to just get through it. Grr. I think the 'honeymoon period' is wearing off! Lol

Mind you though, I've heard from the people I wanted to stay in touch with from my old job, which is lovely (it's always the people you miss more than the job, isn't it?!) and as a bonus am actually looking forward to the Christmas party in my new job. After years of not particularly enjoying them (and last year being in abstinence) this year I'm at a company that really goes for it. We have a big dinner laid on and it's all themed. This year the theme is Hollywood. I've got a fabulous dress and this weekend managed to get an amazing marabou wrap - from TK Maxx (obviously, for me) - but surprisingly in the bedding section! Ooh look at that film star in her duvet!

Seriously though, it's one of those narrow throws to put at the end of a bed for decoration and it actually looks amazing on, and was a fraction of the price of a 'real' wrap (even on eBay - I looked). Also because my work is so far away from where I live I've booked into the party hotel for the night, which means I can escape early and watch trash tv if I'm hating the party (such optimisim - but I do have a tendency to be shy), and I don't have t worry about driving the 55 miles home and then back again the following morning (it's on a Thursday?!)

Ooh have rambled a bit... But in spite of the rest of the work week ahead and such like, I'm happy!
 
Well, I did it! Run number two done! Go me!
 
Ok - so up to run three (go me!) and wondering why maintenance diaries are so much less compelling than weight loss ones...
 
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Well done Spangly! Any more runs to report? :)
 
Well no... I had that achey-all-over fighting-off-a-bug feeling and so didn't go for a few times, which stretched into a week. Need to get my running shoes back on and get back out there!

Been feeling low this past week (probably PMT). Also frustrated by the lack of structure in management, which is when I feel I need it most. My LLC has been great. I sent her an email re the last group I went to, which I found disappointing for various reasons, and she's suggested I maybe join her Lite group on a Saturday, as they are doing modules, and there is one other woman there who doesn't buy packs and is in maintenance.

I think it could be the way forward. I know I still have old, familiar, behaviours lurking in the background. Had some wine and loads of carbs over the weekend and feel rubbish about myself today as a result because my waistband is tight. Silly me. My LLC is at pains to remind me that in the context of my whole adult life, I've only been learning to maintain for a very short time, but I'm still quite down on myself for giving in to weird cravings... or even having the cravings in the first place!
 
Spanglymum said:
Well no... I had that achey-all-over fighting-off-a-bug feeling and so didn't go for a few times, which stretched into a week. Need to get my running shoes back on and get back out there!

Been feeling low this past week (probably PMT). Also frustrated by the lack of structure in management, which is when I feel I need it most. My LLC has been great. I sent her an email re the last group I went to, which I found disappointing for various reasons, and she's suggested I maybe join her Lite group on a Saturday, as they are doing modules, and there is one other woman there who doesn't buy packs and is in maintenance.

I think it could be the way forward. I know I still have old, familiar, behaviours lurking in the background. Had some wine and loads of carbs over the weekend and feel rubbish about myself today as a result because my waistband is tight. Silly me. My LLC is at pains to remind me that in the context of my whole adult life, I've only been learning to maintain for a very short time, but I'm still quite down on myself for giving in to weird cravings... or even having the cravings in the first place!
Click to expand...

Your LLC is spot on...I never thought about it before now. Very interesting stuff.

Go get your trainies on missus! You know you'll feel better :D
 
I know you're right!! It's mind over matter (like so many things!)
 
V excited! We have a black tie "Hollywood" Christmas party this year and I've been trying to find the right outfit. Most things just aren't "me" (I have quite a definite sense of my own style these days). Anyway - I tend to go for things that are a bit different and ordered this dress... then found that the size 12 was too big (!) so have it in a size 10:
Aqua | Aqua Jamie Maxi Dress With Harness Belt Detail at ASOS

And what's more, my hubby preferred it to the slightly more conventional one I had as an alternative from TK Maxx. Hurrah!

I've also got some gorgeous geometric Swarovski earrings from eBay and a matte silver cuff from COS. Get me! :D Have I mentioned that I love clothes, and shopping, and dressing up, at all?! :rolleyes:

Really looking forward to the party. It's my first one with this company, and because it's miles away from home I've booked to stay overnight at the hotel, which makes the whole evening much more relaxed for me. In previous years, with office parties in central London, I've always had one eye on the clock so I didn't miss my train connection home.

I'm still dithering over whether to have a drink or not - part of me knows it would be wise not to - but I haven't decided yet.
 
Going to a different group today - a Lite group - so I can work through some modules again (although without packs). The last maintenance group I went to seems to have triggered a lot of old behaviours for me. I hadn't been for a couple of months, but I had deja vu when I was there. Everyone was still talking about partying hard and then going on packs, and the LLC didn't challenge them on it at all. She acknowledges that that particular group has 'stalled' as she puts it, so has suggested I try the Lite group as there aren't any other management ones.

Trying to get to the root of this. I know part of it is feeling I 'deserve' something at the end of the week, which is a bit crooked, as what I 'deserve', surely, is to continue to fit into my lovely clothes? I then have a drink, and that gives me the munchies and relaxes my attitude to food as well, and I have a mini binge. I say mini because compared to what I used to do at weekends before LL (and considered normal 'letting my hair down' behaviour) this is much less - but I still don't like it.

I feel quite angry and resentful about my situation sometimes. Which is weird, because I am thoroughly enjoying the new job and getting lots of positive strokes from it already (unlike the old one). But part of me is crying out for some sympathy!! I leave the house at 6:30am, drive for 1.5 hours (if the traffic is clear, otherwise it can take longer) - passing through several traffic blacks spots en route, including the M25 and M3. Then I work til 5pm - luckily I can leave on time as there isn't a late hours culture, but I still feel guilty as several of my team work late regularly, drive for another 1.5 hours, get home, do the girls' bed and bath and then cook my hubby's dinner.

And do tidying and put the bins out and get breakfast ready and do admin for school (reading diary, lunch money etc) ...

And it goes on. And I can't complain because my hubby does what he can, but his MS is getting worse and he's struggling. He texted me the other day (when I was at work) to say he felt dizzy and faint. He was looking after our youngest at the time and my Mum (who I might call in an emergency) is away on holiday. I had four meetings scheduled for the afternoon. I asked him if he'd asked any of the other local parents to pick up our eldest from school and he said he didn't like to keep asking for help.

What would you do? I worked out a way of doing some of the meetings remotely and was about to ask my boss if that was ok (although i didnt want to, because I'm trying to set a 'norm' of being reliable, so if I DO really need a favour sometime, eg if my hubby has a major relapse, it will be ok for me to dash home) when I had a brain wave and phoned my hubby. Turned out he wasn't 'that' bad, as he said, and 'didn't want to cry wolf' and there was 'no need' for me to come home!!

I'm at the limit really, is it any wonder I act out on Fridays and sometimes Saturdays as well?
 
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Well, just back from group and feel MUCH more positive. We're just starting a module and I'm going to work through it with everyone. I'm sure I still have so much to learn. Exciting, though - and good to feel back in control again.
 
Bit sad that I wasn't able to do maintenance 'perfectly' straight away and am back on packs. But relieved that the group is there and I have a chance to work through some things. I've never thought of myself as a compulsive eater but I've been doing that a bit - after work, getting snacks and eating them in the car! Bizarre. Not sure what is going on there. But changing gear the other day and feeling my upper arm wobble was enough... Being slim IS important to me. I will find a way to deal with stress and anger and resentment without resorting to food and alcohol. I will!
 
I don't think anyone is still reading this, but I will burble on regardless as it's quite cathartic! This morning I was REALLY stressed about a BIG meeting today, which I didn't have much to say at, even though I'm meant to be leading it. Had a brainwave when I got to work: I'm the boss, so I can cancel!!! I've cancelled, and put some plans in place for preparing more thoroughly/usefully for the next one, and feel SO MUCH BETTER. Hurrah!

Big day tomorrow as I'm giving a lecture (!) and need to do some prep today for that too. But so glad I went back to group on Saturday. It really helps to know I'm tackling the eating (and life) ups and downs head on. Phew.
 
Hi Spangly,
I'm still here and reading...just wasn't anything to say cause you are so on top of things. It was extremely quiet on here over the weekend. Don't know if its the time of year keeping people busy or the time of year causing food challenges that are keeping people away.
 
I too am avidly reading your posts but busy with moving at the moment so kind of read and go. A bit selfish of me as I find reading your posts really inspiring and I should take more time out to tell you so.
Well done today for taking control! Yay you!! You have so much to deal with and such long days that I truly admire you. Sending you a big hug and keep up the good work xxxx

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins
 
Me too...........

I'm still here too Spangly, just not able to post much at the moment, but still following everyone's journeys.
It seems to me as though between you and your LLC you've got a good thing going.
What will you wear to give the lecture? A bit of power dressing never goes amiss.
Good on you for taking control at work and with your weight. You ARE the boss. xx
 
Me too!!! Don't know what to say to help you feel better, am struggling on management a but, picked up 7&8 last week and LLC said she is starting a new group in Jan , but I can pop in anytime...... So now on my own, feels a little overwhelming and scary at times.
I have had to dig quite deep to my inner self, chatterbox going 19 to the dozen at times, but am very sure I will not go back to how I was before.
Dig deep spanglymum, I know you have a lot in your plate, but we are all here for each other, even if not always posting! Glad your job is going well, it's going to take time to adjust our brains to this new way of life, forever!!
Jx
 
Thanks, guys! So nice to know my comments aren't just floating off into the ether. I tried to post yesterday morning on the train but it wouldn't send. Probably better to be posting today anyway, as the lecture is over and done with. I can't believe how nervous and worried I was. But I didn't crumble. I was sooooooooo tempted to have "just one" of whatever, but I stuck to it and I'm glad I did. Who knew it would be so much more difficult doing this with less to lose? Maybe I was in denial before? On the "transitions" curve, I mean. I was very gung ho and saw LL as a practical means to an end - but didn't really want to admit to myself I had any real problems/issues with using food/drink inappropriately. Seems I really do!

Things like opening the fridge on automatic pilot and taking a handful of grapes. Ok not so terrible in the grand scheme of things - but what's that about? Or licking the spoon when I've finished cooking something? (eg putting golden syrup on the girls' porridge at the weekend and really really really wanting to lick the spoon).

The nearest feeling I can think of is not wanting to be left out, not wanting to feel deprived. But how will putting on weight again stop me feeling deprived? I've been looking at some CBT resourses and am trying to work through thought records more clearly. LL can be a double-edged sword. On the one hand it was fabulously motivating to lose the weight SO fast, but on the other, I don't think I spent enough time previously on the psychology. It does run deep.

Anyway - the lecture went VERY well. Go me!! 45 students and three lecturers, who all asked great questions and really showed they had been listening to me. (And laughed in all the right places!!)

And since you ask (!) I wore (I feel like a royal reporter or something writing this) an asymmetric black Calvin Klein shift dress (thank you, TK Maxx) and a draped khaki cardigan (which is nicer than it sounds) and one of my statement beaten/oxidised silver necklaces. Oh, and heels.

Help me stick to LL and get back into ALL my lovely clothes! My LLC says it will only take me a few weeks as I tend to drop weight fast on Total - but I am impatient. (Whilst mindful of the need to do the psychological exercises thoroughly too...)
 
I know I need to examine these mini-bingeing behaviours before I come off packs again. What would happen is I'd finish work, hop in the car, and then start munching on something 'healthy' from Holland and Barrett. Total denial! I mean, anything you haven't factored in to your day's intake is by definition unhealthy, isn't it, because you are over consuming, no matter what it is?!

So what triggers the behaviour? Feeling insecure and anxious about the new job. Feeling lonely. Feeling worried about the long drive home. Feeling tired.

I know tiredness is a big trigger for me. Eating something for the sugar rush to keep going when in fact my body is asking me for sleep. And then sugar highs and lows which trigger more snacking.

And alcohol. That's not helpful. Thinking I 'deserve' a drink on a Friday or a Saturday night. Why? I mean, it does make me feel great at the time - really relaxed and mellow and chilled out - but then it gives me the munchies and I feel guilty the next day, and dehydrated. In the grand scheme of things I've not been drinking huge amounts, but it's enough to relax my self control and I don't like it.

So what could I do instead to get that feeling of relaxation? Baths are good. Not sure what else though? Sleep!

Must say sleep is a BIG issue for me. If I don't get enough good-quality sleep it really messes with my mind and emotions. I am certain that the biggest factor in me getting severe postnatal depression with both my daughters was sleep deprivation and fatigue because I was breastfeeding and neither of them were good sleepers until they got to one year old. Doesn't matter what I say to my husband though, he doesn't get it. He woke me up at 4am today getting back into bed noisily after going to the bathroom and was completely unrepentant! I have to BEG for a lie in once a week, to 7:15am, and even then don't always get it because it's seen as such a huge favour/burden for him to get breakfast ready.

But I feel I can't complain because he has M.S., which is so much worse than anything I may need to deal with. But writing this down makes me realise my needs actually are important and I somehow need to get the sleep. I said flippantly this morning that I would sleep on the sofa bed tonight - and it's occurred to me that one way to make him see this is important to me would be to go through with it.

I'm exhausted to be honest :(
 
Spangly, I dont know how you do it sweetheart. Keep at it...you deserve to get into your lovely clothes! xx
 
Thanks. It really helped to read your message. Just sooooooooo angry. Aargh. Really wanted to eat/drink inappropriate stuff but didn't. Not really fair of me to feel this way just feeling tired out and put upon. Just want a break. Waaaah! Rebellious child, anyone?!

The intensity of the anger is quite impressive though when I don't hide it with alcohol/carbs. Hmm. Not sure what to do with it.
 
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