Time to get serious!

[CrazyDiamond]

Ovulation????

Gawd knows, on depo and was on the pill before that so not actually had a proper period for years so not the foggiest where i would be in my cycle :-/ god that sounds awful when you put it that way, basically not had a period since they put me on cerazette because I was too overweight for mycrogynon, that has to be upwards of 5 years ago! Funny how it's leads back to weight somehow!

 

[bettiesrevenge]

Depo injections are notoriously bad for weight too!!!! Because they suppress your normal hormonal fluctuations!

It's likely just a blip.

 

[CrazyDiamond]

Depo injections are notoriously bad for weight too!!!! Because they suppress your normal hormonal fluctuations!

It's likely just a blip.

I hope so... I don't liiike it!!

 

[CrazyDiamond]

Another lb down today, just still really mad about my pretend loss the other day, if that hadn't have happened i would be quite happy now.

Still nto understanding why, it's never happened before, but I guess i'll never figure it out!

going to see my cwpc tonight -really not bothered about having one any more but need to be able to get my choc shakes still!

So, 10st6.4 today.... still a stone to go...

 

[CrazyDiamond]

ello....

Messed up a little yesterday, swapped my afternoon bar for a graze box- calories an carb content carefully checked to ensure they were similar or below a pack or bar (I've swapped them in ok before) ate it, an hour or so later got quite dizzy feeling, silly me my 70cal rice crackers and chutney weren't enough energy:.. In short I had another graze box which then in turn pushed me over my carbs, next minute of had a biscuit!

Knowing ketosis was gone I let myself have some nice dinner, had pizza, a couple of squares of Choc, then back on it today. Still kept cals below 2000 which is my maintenance number - though of course I had the statuary 2lb post-ketosis gains this morning! It's a snapshot of what I actual weight is though!

Been 100% all day again today, only had 3 products purely through bad planning!

Gonna do the same tomorrow and might have food again Friday. I'm quite happy to mix it up a little, like learning to eat again. Yesterday I felt I actually made progress, in that I didn't finish the pizza, I didn't eat chocolate til I felt sick and I didn't touch the multipack of peanut butter cups I've got... I think the fact the work stress is easing is helping this a lot.

So Friday... It's fish day at work, and if there's battered cos I'm prob gonna have it! But it doesn't matter, it doesn't mean I have to binge on ice cream that evening, hey it doesn't even stop the rest of my meals that day from being shakes! I just gotta have faith and trust myself! Soon enough food will be the reality for all meals so I gotta start learning to control myself around it, who needs chips with the fish when there's salad and a jacket

X

 

[LMS]

ello....

Messed up a little yesterday, swapped my afternoon bar for a graze box- calories an carb content carefully checked to ensure they were similar or below a pack or bar (I've swapped them in ok before) ate it, an hour or so later got quite dizzy feeling, silly me my 70cal rice crackers and chutney weren't enough energy:.. In short I had another graze box which then in turn pushed me over my carbs, next minute of had a biscuit!

Knowing ketosis was gone I let myself have some nice dinner, had pizza, a couple of squares of Choc, then back on it today. Still kept cals below 2000 which is my maintenance number - though of course I had the statuary 2lb post-ketosis gains this morning! It's a snapshot of what I actual weight is though!

Been 100% all day again today, only had 3 products purely through bad planning!

Gonna do the same tomorrow and might have food again Friday. I'm quite happy to mix it up a little, like learning to eat again. Yesterday I felt I actually made progress, in that I didn't finish the pizza, I didn't eat chocolate til I felt sick and I didn't touch the multipack of peanut butter cups I've got... I think the fact the work stress is easing is helping this a lot.

So Friday... It's fish day at work, and if there's battered cos I'm prob gonna have it! But it doesn't matter, it doesn't mean I have to binge on ice cream that evening, hey it doesn't even stop the rest of my meals that day from being shakes! I just gotta have faith and trust myself! Soon enough food will be the reality for all meals so I gotta start learning to control myself around it, who needs chips with the fish when there's salad and a jacket

X

Oh god hun your so right at the bottom there with food being the reality of all meals... even now I sometimes wish I could just go back to 3 shakes a day lol

 

[CrazyDiamond]

Oh my goodness, I couldn't even tell you what I have been doing the last week, but i'm pretty sure most days started with a shake but went wrong after that.

I haven't dared to get on the scales because ironically I know it could result in a binge.

Yesterday I was out for a 3 course leaving meal, but apart from that only had a shake and 2 advent chocs so not too bad, and today so far i have had a s&s shak and a s&s cottage pie, so being good. Have my Christmas party friday and already gonna have to wear spanx (damage contol) so if i can make things a little better by not bloating myself with crap the next few days (or ever tbh) it would really help.

I will visit the scales later this week as tbh I am getting annoyed with my fitbit tellng me im 1st away from goal when i'm likley much more, so need to updatw my weight on there at least!

Took a big step today to stay addressing my other problems, went to the doctor about stress. it has been affecting me (as you prob know) quite heavily for over 6 months now (about the time i started falling off the cambridge wagon come to think if it) and it is affecting too mych of my life now, I'm fed up of feeling crappy, worrying about everything, and the headaches and dizzyness arent doing me much good either, and i am sick of consequently taking comfort in food and binging.

The doctor told me how to self-refer for councelling but also gave me some beta blockers to help with the tension and headaches, I know drugs arent the solution, but i really need something to help in the mean time. councelling will take a while to get an appointment and i'm doing my best to work on the underlying issues to try and eliminate it long term, but some of my issues will be around a while so it's not all that easy. He also gave some advise around work etc too.

I'm hoping I will get a bit of relief, really just want to feel "ok" again.

 

[Beverley75]

Hi Ria, I've been reading your diary and just wanted to say well done for never giving up on what you want to achieve (by hook or by crook) - that's been really inspirational .... And at times alarmingly echoed the thoughts in my head and what I've been through at different times. I'm a CWP restarter and I'm officially on Day 63 (but actually restarted, dabbled, battled and occasionally defeated food demons from the 16th July and initially lost 11lbs; I've since lost 35lbs from 3rd Oct).

Anyway, I just wanted to 'join the gang' in supporting you and cheering you on - keep up the good work and determination, and thank you for your candour in sharing what you're going through (I've enjoyed many a 'me too!' moment) x

 

[CrazyDiamond]

Hi Ria, I've been reading your diary and just wanted to say well done for never giving up on what you want to achieve (by hook or by crook) - that's been really inspirational .... And at times alarmingly echoed the thoughts in my head and what I've been through at different times. I'm a CWP restarter and I'm officially on Day 63 (but actually restarted, dabbled, battled and occasionally defeated food demons from the 16th July and initially lost 11lbs; I've since lost 35lbs from 3rd Oct). Anyway, I just wanted to 'join the gang' in supporting you and cheering you on - keep up the good work and determination, and thank you for your candour in sharing what you're going through (I've enjoyed many a 'me too!' moment) x

Thanks Beverly. I'll get there eventually. Your words are so Kind, and knowing I can help others gives me a bit of a kick In the backside too!

X

 

[CrazyDiamond]

Wow, so 2 weeks ago I last posted, I've quite possibly devoured at least 1 bar of dairy milk (Oreo, marvellous creations, the White Christmas one) A DAY since, it's gotta stop!!

I'm in the 11s (11st4) and officially overweight again!! Nooooo! I feel lousy, my clothes are tight (especially my bras) and it's all not great, or helping the stress either.

So today I had a day on plan and didn't fail. 4 choc shakes and a rice pudding pack, and a couple of spoonfuls of sugar and milk in tea - obv not on plan but a cup of tea v choc is a winner in my book and I had planned for it - I'll remember to take sweetener in future.

And this was at work where my colleagues had raided costco the night previous, turning up today with catering size packs of croissants, pain au chocolates and cookies, so that was a win, and now enjoying that noisy empty stomach feeling.

Christmas lunch tomorrow, so shake for breakky and dinner is the plan, then enjoy lunch. Every day I'm at work I have a shake for breakfast anyhow,though just go off the rails later sometimes (most of the time).

Not trying to be completely on it, just using it as a tool to reduce calories and not gain for now, then will hit it after Christmas, not long until my 1year cambridge anniversary... A day I planned to never see, but will be doing so. But if I really focus after Christmas, I might be able to be done by March at latest, and that's nothing in the grand scheme.

Can't wait to feel like I did back in June at 10st......

 

[Beverley75]

This is a horrendous time of year to get into the groove with any diet, isn't it? What sets you apart and signals your eventual success is your self awareness and ability to not give up. Take pride in that. Limit, limit, limit those carbs in preparation - I'm pretty sure you'll wake up one day and just think 'sod it, time to get to goal'. Sorry, I can't remember: are you exercising a bit?

Hang in there hon, Christmas is one week away, and a week later the constant temptations will be over and you can knuckle down xx

 

[CrazyDiamond]

This is a horrendous time of year to get into the groove with any diet, isn't it? What sets you apart and signals your eventual success is your self awareness and ability to not give up. Take pride in that. Limit, limit, limit those carbs in preparation - I'm pretty sure you'll wake up one day and just think 'sod it, time to get to goal'. Sorry, I can't remember: are you exercising a bit?

Hang in there hon, Christmas is one week away, and a week later the constant temptations will be over and you can knuckle down xx

Oh totally, hence the lack of expectation from myself, though even though I woke up with the usual pos-da-one-didn't-drink-enough headach, I'm feeling pretty buzzy about the fact I did a whole day on plan It's massive progress on my recent track record! not to say I'm completely looking forward to a 3-course lunch later though. But its one day I have not consumed at least 120g and 1000kcals of chocolate, so that's a result!

I like that - eventual success.... because I will get there, I WILL!!! bread and choc - neither of which I was ever particulary in to - just easy grab food I guess, that's the key, and that will be the key to maintanence for me I'm sure I kinda feel like that today, In the best mood I've been in for months - partly because a job notification dropped into my inbox today that if I could successfully apply for would change my life and be the most exciting opportunity ever - I won't say more as I constantly jinx myself, but needless to say with a 10 day application window and a closing date of the 27th I'll certainly be spending the festive period jazzing up my CV! Oh god, please let this be the one, and 2014 be MY year!!!

Back on subject, I already feel a bit like i did last year when I spent the festive period looking forward to jan 1 to start the plan, ok it was fresh and new for me then, but some of that feeling is still there, it's exciting!!

Exercise - nah - not in the slightest bit interested, but do know I will need to pull my finger out when closer to goal to tone up the flab :-(

How are you doing anyway? what is your plan for the next couple of weeks?

x

 

[CrazyDiamond]

right, gonna put it here since it's in front of me, and why not share, my positive plans for 2014....

1) get to goal weight
2) learn to ride a motorbike
3) actually get my food blog up and running

and aspirations (those things not entirely in my control)

1) get a new job
2) get engaged

I need to get positive, so those are my positive hopes and aspirations

 

[Beverley75]

Duplicate post

 

[Beverley75]

Exercise - nah - not in the slightest bit interested

Oh man hahaha this made me howl with laughter

I really, really hope you get that job...... Everything is crossed for you (fingers, toes, eyes lol) - I can imagine exactly how much this means to you as I'm in exactly the same position..... And just got the post! Today!!! There is hope for us all

Soooo, Christmas. I'm going to eat protein and low carb vegetables on Christmas day and Boxing day then I'm back on SS 100% on the 27th. That's the plan anyway and I'm determined to enjoy myself, have all the foods I've been dreaming of and get back to the grind stone sharpish ..... wish me luck!

Oh! Oh! Oh! :happy036: Seriously well done on getting a whole day under your belt on plan. I promise you I know exactly how it feels to fight your own mental self sabotage every blessed day. Your goals are in reach hon, so don't give up on you. You've totally got the right attitude to crack this nut. Onwards!!!!! Lol xx

 

[Lychco]

right, gonna put it here since it's in front of me, and why not share, my positive plans for 2014....

1) get to goal weight
2) learn to ride a motorbike
3) actually get my food blog up and running

and aspirations (those things not entirely in my control)

1) get a new job
2) get engaged

I need to get positive, so those are my positive hopes and aspirations

Really hope you get everything you are hoping for (and more!) - you totally deserve it. You are such an inspiration to so many people. xxxx

 

[CrazyDiamond]

Oh man hahaha this made me howl with laughter

I really, really hope you get that job...... Everything is crossed for you (fingers, toes, eyes lol) - I can imagine exactly how much this means to you as I'm in exactly the same position..... And just got the post! Today!!! There is hope for us all

Soooo, Christmas. I'm going to eat protein and low carb vegetables on Christmas day and Boxing day then I'm back on SS 100% on the 27th. That's the plan anyway and I'm determined to enjoy myself, have all the foods I've been dreaming of and get back to the grind stone sharpish ..... wish me luck!

Oh! Oh! Oh! :happy036: Seriously well done on getting a whole day under your belt on plan. I promise you I know exactly how it feels to fight your own mental self sabotage every blessed day. Your goals are in reach hon, so don't give up on you. You've totally got the right attitude to crack this nut. Onwards!!!!! Lol xx

Oh wow, congratulations!! Yeah if i can actually get a new job it would be a life changer for me, time to myself and not being tiread all the time might give the the time and motivation to do things like...exercise (ugh)

well done you for staying so focused with your Christmas plans!

Really hope you get everything you are hoping for (and more!) - you totally deserve it. You are such an inspiration to so many people. xxxx

Thanks hun, thats so nice! just hope noone gets inspired by my messing around on this!


SO, have basically been doing a bit of JUDDD lets call it, alternate day "fasting"(ish). day before yesterday failed at the last hurdle when the nice girl in hotel chocolat gave me two samples, then proceeded to have a whole slab and some spag bole when I got home #fail! i did howver only come in at 850net cals to all was not lost. just trying to manage the weight until i can dive in head first, the scales have not been kind, showed me 11st8 this morning, so went for a wee and stripped off and managed to get down to 11st4 but still not best pleased. at that point my mum appears at my door with a hot choc and marshamallows to make me feel better - that nasty cold everyone at work has been having this past week has got me... those ******* get to go on their "christmas break" eg most not returning until jan 6th whilst I end up ill (i'm working the whole lot) probably over the only 3 days I have off over christmas (not counting weekends) - thanks guys!

but my mum bless her, that was such a nice thing to do - she'd frothed the milk and everything! I explained about the scales and being on plan today and she was ok about it, i still felt a little bad though. was so nice she did that though <3

so gonna try and be on plan today, thats the plan, and i'll be pleased if I can do a 3 pack day... think i'll try rice pudding for breakky actually....

 

[CrazyDiamond]

Happy Christmas everyone, hope you all had a lovely couple I days!

Now time for a moan/kick up my backside....

I feel like poo, I'm probably over 11 and a half stone now, my clothes are getting tight, my size 12 jeans that used to hang off if me are cutting in, and I can't wear my 32 bras all day now. I'm ashamed to say I spent Christmas slobbing around in leggings and anything else sloppy, I even re-acquired the larger size bras I have to mum for when she gets smaller as I could take the pain no longer!

I look and feel rubbish and am really disappointed for letting myself get this way. I am disappointed that overall i let the stresses in my life manifest themselves in binge eating so often that I have gone from being sad and stressed yet looking good (and feeling good about how I looked) to being fat and miserable! I've let the one good thing get ruined by the bad, it's so stupid, and it stops now.

enough is enough.

So tomorrow I'm cutting down, will certainly have shakes for and lunch, then 28th i am on plan 100%, the only exceptions being 31st (dinner only, and only if my parents would get upset if I didn't) 14th - day at cookery school that work are paying for (and I could never afford otherwise!) and 28th - being taken for dinner up the shard (again something I'd never be able to do if I was paying).

So that's (most likely) 2 stone I need to get rid of, and I would really like to be at target by my birthday beginning of March, might be pushing it a bit but I'm gonna give it a go.

Meanwhile I had an assessment for counselling last week and will be getting help soon, having identified my main aims to be to learn how to turn down the noise in my head and relax, and to find coping mechanisms in order to put an end I the binging.

Hoping by getting the mental help as well this time that I won't make the same mistakes.

Feeling really down and keep making silly mistakes as well which are getting me down - misreading the application cut off for my dream job being one, yup, went to submit my form yesterday thinking I was 2 days early, turned out I was 3 days late, had literally spent every bit of my spare time getting my cv and cover letter together this week, so am very upset. Then just seen my aa auto renewed and took £270 off my credit card for breakdown for my whole family and none of us need it anymore!! ...the list goes on.

Time to grab the reigns and take control of my life, as right now it's not going in the right direction, it'll take some time I know, but I'll get there....

X

 

[danniellea]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so horrible, I hope the therapy helps, best thing I did was admit my problems to a doctor and get help, this along with the weight going down has improved my life an unreal amount. We all know you can and will get to goal, everyone is behind you 100% believe in your self you deserve it hugs x

 

[CrazyDiamond]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so horrible, I hope the therapy helps, best thing I did was admit my problems to a doctor and get help, this along with the weight going down has improved my life an unreal amount. We all know you can and will get to goal, everyone is behind you 100% believe in your self you deserve it hugs x

Thanks Hun, that's really reassuring to hear.