Hi
have lighted on a spot in San Francisco with internet.
I have given up on commuting into San Fran to see mom every day so have gotten a room in town - so much easier.
Thanks so much for your words, thoughts, prayers, wishes, etc.
I wish I could report it is going better, but it is not.
We were told days 10-14 after the burn are critical. That is when infection or pnumonia can rear their ugly heads - both of which elderly patients usually succumb to.
We are into that time, just. No infection, but mom does have pnumonia.
I see her everyday. A few seconds of the day she knows I am there. She is on Morphine, Percocet and several other drugs. And she is crying out in pain daily now- they are not able to give her pain meds always on time because her BP is dangerously low. Poor thing cannot lay comfortably - she has arthritis - if they lay her back all the way she chokes on the fluid in her lungs - if they lay her up midway - her arthritis hurts horribly- if they sit her up, the burns hurt - she cannot lay on her tummy as she cannot breathe - so she has to be sat on the burns all the time. There is no escape for her.
She is suffering horrible horrible pain and there is nothing I can do to help her except stroke her hair and forhead, and parts of her that don;t have wires and tubes sticking out of her (and I can;t even touch her - we are wrapped in gowns and gloves and masks, I cannot even feel her hand in mine....)....and tell her I love her, and thank her for such a wonderful life. The day I was adopted by my parents, was the luckiest day of my life.
To watch a women, such as her, who has lived her life golden, given and done for all and sundry, selfless to a fault - to see her, at 92 years old have to suffer this kind of pain, and this kind of injury - with a horrible long road to recovery ahead - its just so fecking unfair that the pain and sadness I feel for her almost feels primal. Its deep and I am struggling with it.
In my 49 (for a few hours) years, tonight was the first time in my life I have ever seen her cry. 'bout ripped my heart in two. No - check - it did.
This all fecking sucks so hard, I cannot even describe it. Sorry - but I am angry at life right now.
I am torn up - and don;t want to lose her - but what is left to recover for - all this suffering, and this road to rehabilitation - at 92 - for waht fecking end????????? WHY could she just not go peacefully, after 92 years - why this!!!!?????? She does not deserve this.
I don;t want her to go - but I don;t want her to stay if all that is in her future is pain, suffering and withering away in some convalescent hospital. WHY???????????????
It is seriously doing my head in. I feel horrible. This is WAY bigger then CBT. CBT has done NOTHING to help me through this. But Ic an;t worry about that now. Will have a lot of work when i get home.
I am staying here until next Sunday. I should have arrived home today, but cannot. I just cannot go now. Dont know how I will be able to next week either. To leave all this on my brothers shoulders - ugh - it is beyone unimaginable to me....that this is how we are losing our mother.
Don't think I am going to be the same. Just so damn unfair. I am beyond exhausted - i feel - just sad and empty.
Anyway - thank you all. Sorry if this is garbled and makes little sense or seems angry. I am tired beyond exhaustion, and sadder then ever and angrier than angry.
Catch up again when I can.
