Westiegirl: Restarted Day 1 Under my Belt!

[MandyB2]

You've done brilliant honey.. I so admire you.. I'm struggling like heck.. just opting for healthy food at the moment but the urge to binge is constant!!!!! You're inspiring me big time at the mo' , thanks hun!!
Good news about your CDC.. roll on monday eh??

Much love xxx

 

[westiegirl]

Bless ya, hun - I'm really struggling tonight! I am soo tired and feel washed out and my chatterbox has been telling me to eat food for energy and it's a minute by minute struggle not to give in.


AARGH!!!!!!

Right now, I feel so knackered I couldn't care less what weight I am - and that is always sooo dangerous for me. I still feel as big as a house though! Think it might be the rebellious child coming out! lol

Do you a deal - I won't cave in if you don't!!

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Bless ya, you got a deal! I'm sitting here like a lemon waiting to go out, all dressed up to the nines with no one to go with

I'm meeting some M&S workmates for a drink later. They are currently eating in the best chinese in town and I couldn't face watching them so I'm meeting them in the pub after they've finished. I got ready early and hoped to tried to persuade my brother to come out for a quick drink but he ain't having it. Since he's turned 32 he's turned into a fuddy duddy lol!
This is where I really feel the move I've made. Nae pals of my own yet so I'm sitting in the house on my own like a lemon, and you girls know how I LOVE to party! That's why I'm looking for other interests but it ain't so easy making new pals when you are older! The group I'm meeting are a mixed bunch, I'm not sure they're up for partying either - the only one I know for sure who is, is only 16 and I'm not encouraging her!

Isobel, stay on that sofa and take it easy girl. You are having the same struggle as me but we will get over it. After today you can say that you've done a full week and isn't that something to be proud of! You can do it - and so can I!

 

[westiegirl]

You've done brilliant honey.. I so admire you.. I'm struggling like heck.. just opting for healthy food at the moment but the urge to binge is constant!!!!! You're inspiring me big time at the mo' , thanks hun!!
Good news about your CDC.. roll on monday eh??

Much love xxx

Thanks Mandy, sorry to hear you're struggling but eating healthily is good enough on it's own. If that's what you need to do now, why not do that instead? If your head "clicks" then you can SS then. Please don't beat yourself up. I think you are fabulous as you are - both inside and out!

Much love x

 

[kati]

Oh no! I turned 32 yesterday I hope that doesn't mean I've automatically become a fuddy duddy lol

You're doing great, I hope you have a fantastic time when you finally get out. But I didnt get out till ten the other night and still had a great time, not as long as if I'd gone out earlier but still good all the same. Don't blame you for avoiding the meal though, no need to torture yourself

 

[westiegirl]

Oh no! I turned 32 yesterday I hope that doesn't mean I've automatically become a fuddy duddy lol

You're doing great, I hope you have a fantastic time when you finally get out. But I didnt get out till ten the other night and still had a great time, not as long as if I'd gone out earlier but still good all the same. Don't blame you for avoiding the meal though, no need to torture yourself

LOL Nikki, our posts have crossed - I was just on your thread!

 

[kati]

lol ok i shall go and read

 

[westiegirl]

No recriminations!

In the new vein of being kind to myself, I'm not going to beat myself up for a minor deviation from the programme last night!

I think the problem started with the vodka! I was out on the town last night and decided to have a drink. I decided that I wanted to live my life as usual - last time I stuck to the programme 100% but must admit I felt a little isolated when out on the town, but I was with good friends who understood about the programme and supported me all the way. Now I have moved I am finding it a little harder because I would have to explain it to a whole load of people I don't know really very well. TBH I just don't think I am up to that! I guess I want people to think of me as "normal", not some girl who is following a "wacky diet".

So back to last night, I went out and had one too many vodkas. The first part of the evening was good, the friends I met from M&S were all in the pub and we had a nice time chatting and catching up. The later part of the night went downhill! The "older" members of the party had all left to go home and the rest of us couldn't get in the bar that I like to go to where you can dance because the doors had closed. So we went back to the original pub and had another drink and it was dire! We ended up sitting with the friends of friends of one of the guys. They were all 18 and still in 6th form in school. I had to leave, was I as immature as that when I was 18? I really don't think I was - I was already living away from home in London by then. Maybe my perspective is skewed about what I was like back then!

So I came home, after a totally unsatisfactory night and I guess I felt I just felt so lost and lonely - I am finding it hard to adjust to my new life - once again another reason to get a life and meet some new people. The outcome of this long and winding story is that I ate food!

There is no point in documenting the whole list - but I am moving on today.

I am being kind to myself and instead of beating myself up I am using this as a way to learn about myself. At the start of the night I told myself that I would drink and not eat and if I did that only occassionally then, even if the process takes longer, I will still have a life and be able to lose weight. Last night I discovered that this will never happen! When drunk I get the munchies and the alcohol lowers my resistance to food. So whilst doing this programme I cannot drink! Others may and have done it but it seems I can't! So on a positive note I see last night as an experiment the results of which are interesting and will influence by future choices!

Finally I am moving on as normal today, I am not going to eat (even though I have thought about it) even though my head is trying to give me the excuse that I start CD tomorrow so therefore I am free to do what I like today *lol*.

I don't know if I am still in ketosis - I haven't checked but que sera sera. Today is another day!

Oh, by the way, I had my brother take some before photos. These are logging my CD journey, as I leave LL behind me! The link is as follows:

Public Album

I hate them! They are a testiment to the "failure" I am *lol*. No I do actually feel sad when I see them because of where I could have been, but by posting them I am chucking out the old me and starting on the new! The new POSITIVE me!

 

[kazz]

Hey Sarah, your pics are fab so dont be beating yourself up about it!!

I think you are right to leave LL behind and concentrate on your CD journey instead....we cant change the past so there is no point in dwelling on wat could have been.

Hope you have a great day!

 

[Isobel1965]

Hun - I know just how you feel. I've managed to stay on the wagon - I have no idea how - but it feels extremely precarious right now.

I can't take any joy in the weight I've lost this week as the urge to eat is just so strong (Bluddy mirena coil giving me huge PMT symptoms, dawgammit!!).

So good for you for not beating yourself up!! I know I will if I do eat. Am doing it anyway!! GRR!!!
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[Dom1979]

I think the problem started with the vodka! I was out on the town last night and decided to have a drink. I decided that I wanted to live my life as usual - last time I stuck to the programme 100% but must admit I felt a little isolated when out on the town, but I was with good friends who understood about the programme and supported me all the way. Now I have moved I am finding it a little harder because I would have to explain it to a whole load of people I don't know really very well. TBH I just don't think I am up to that! I guess I want people to think of me as "normal", not some girl who is following a "wacky diet".

So back to last night, I went out and had one too many vodkas. The first part of the evening was good, the friends I met from M&S were all in the pub and we had a nice time chatting and catching up. The later part of the night went downhill! The "older" members of the party had all left to go home and the rest of us couldn't get in the bar that I like to go to where you can dance because the doors had closed. So we went back to the original pub and had another drink and it was dire! We ended up sitting with the friends of friends of one of the guys. They were all 18 and still in 6th form in school. I had to leave, was I as immature as that when I was 18? I really don't think I was - I was already living away from home in London by then. Maybe my perspective is skewed about what I was like back then!

So I came home, after a totally unsatisfactory night and I guess I felt I just felt so lost and lonely - I am finding it hard to adjust to my new life - once again another reason to get a life and meet some new people. The outcome of this long and winding story is that I ate food!

There is no point in documenting the whole list - but I am moving on today.

I am being kind to myself and instead of beating myself up I am using this as a way to learn about myself. At the start of the night I told myself that I would drink and not eat and if I did that only occassionally then, even if the process takes longer, I will still have a life and be able to lose weight. Last night I discovered that this will never happen! When drunk I get the munchies and the alcohol lowers my resistance to food. So whilst doing this programme I cannot drink! Others may and have done it but it seems I can't! So on a positive note I see last night as an experiment the results of which are interesting and will influence by future choices!

Finally I am moving on as normal today, I am not going to eat (even though I have thought about it) even though my head is trying to give me the excuse that I start CD tomorrow so therefore I am free to do what I like today *lol*.

I don't know if I am still in ketosis - I haven't checked but que sera sera. Today is another day!

Oh, by the way, I had my brother take some before photos. These are logging my CD journey, as I leave LL behind me! The link is as follows:

Public Album

I hate them! They are a testiment to the "failure" I am *lol*. No I do actually feel sad when I see them because of where I could have been, but by posting them I am chucking out the old me and starting on the new! The new POSITIVE me!

Hey you! It's great you've realised the alcohol thing isn't a goer for you. It isn't for me either, for 3 reasons, 1)it gives me the munchies 2)it makes me feel like i'm the most gorgeous person in the world, do not need to lose weight and therefore can eat whatever I like and 3) I tend to attempt to eat my way out of hangovers! So I try and limit it to a small amount or none at all (I'm not SS).

One thing that is screaming at me from the page is how lonely you are feeling, and this seems to be a trigger for you too. Just wanted to say I'm here for you if you need me! I can totally relate to the need to seem 'normal' too. When people ask me how I lost weight, I tend to shrug it off, because I can't bear to go through all the inevitable questions for what seems like the three hundredth time! I also don't like people to think of me as an 'ex-fat' person, but this is yet another one of my issues!

Hope the hangover is not too horrendo!

D x

 

[kati]

You're not a failure in any way at all because you are still doing it! you can't be a failure while you're still trying can you?

I agree that you do sound lonely and it feels awful doesn't it. That is a major downfall for me too, although I have my kids with me when they're gone for days and I sit and see or talk to no one but people on this website I get so depressed. I'm too shy to go out and just talk to anyone and find it hard making new frends so can sympathise with you about being in the kind of company you're not really wanting to be with.

I hope things get a bit better for you soon in that department

 

[westiegirl]

Hey Sarah, your pics are fab so dont be beating yourself up about it!!

I think you are right to leave LL behind and concentrate on your CD journey instead....we cant change the past so there is no point in dwelling on wat could have been.

Hope you have a great day!

Thanks Karen, I have spent much of my time dwelling on the past and it hasn't done me any favours so now I've said enough is enough!

Hun - I know just how you feel. I've managed to stay on the wagon - I have no idea how - but it feels extremely precarious right now.

I can't take any joy in the weight I've lost this week as the urge to eat is just so strong (Bluddy mirena coil giving me huge PMT symptoms, dawgammit!!).

So good for you for not beating yourself up!! I know I will if I do eat. Am doing it anyway!! GRR!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks Isobel, well done on staying on the wagon. Sorry I broke our pact , hope you are feeling better soon hunny. I don't know whether you can see it in my picture but I am wearing what I believe to be a gorgeous necklace *lol* (in fact I got quite a few compliments on it last night from my pals).

Hey you! It's great you've realised the alcohol thing isn't a goer for you. It isn't for me either, for 3 reasons, 1)it gives me the munchies 2)it makes me feel like i'm the most gorgeous person in the world, do not need to lose weight and therefore can eat whatever I like and 3) I tend to attempt to eat my way out of hangovers! So I try and limit it to a small amount or none at all (I'm not SS).

One thing that is screaming at me from the page is how lonely you are feeling, and this seems to be a trigger for you too. Just wanted to say I'm here for you if you need me! I can totally relate to the need to seem 'normal' too. When people ask me how I lost weight, I tend to shrug it off, because I can't bear to go through all the inevitable questions for what seems like the three hundredth time! I also don't like people to think of me as an 'ex-fat' person, but this is yet another one of my issues!

Hope the hangover is not too horrendo!

D x

Dom, hunny. My gosh I read this and I just cried because you have hit the nail on the head. I am VERY lonely! I miss my Edinburgh pals very much and all my work mates too. I don't regret the move because I know I will establish myself here in time and the reason I moved is my family so it's worth it in the long run.

I did PMSL at the reasons you don't drink, especially no. 2. When I'm drunk I become the most attractive woman in the world and EVERYONE wants me *lol*!

I agree that you do sound lonely and it feels awful doesn't it. That is a major downfall for me too, although I have my kids with me when they're gone for days and I sit and see or talk to no one but people on this website I get so depressed. I'm too shy to go out and just talk to anyone and find it hard making new frends so can sympathise with you about being in the kind of company you're not really wanting to be with.

Thanks Nikki, it is hard isn't it. I do have trouble making friends. I think a lot of it is to do with my weight, I think I am being judged - negatively - for it, ie being fat means I'm a bad person. I should know better from all the good pals I have made over the years but my mixed up head still doesn't want to accept it. I am grateful to have Minimins so much, and I am very surprised at myself going to the first VFBC in Newcastle last year. I am so glad I did because I have made some really good friends. It's just a shame that none of them are close enough to meet up with often.

 

[westiegirl]

I am so impressed, I just learnt how to multi-quote! Fabulous!

I am still feeling rubbish, my cough is getting worse. It is really hacking and makes me feel sick! It must be bad because I slept through the whole of a football match this afternoon - shock horror! It was good though because I didn't cough in my sleep for once!

My SSing has gone fine so far, but I am having one heck of a battle with Mrs CB. She wants me to eat, but I haven't. I have had extra pack but I can live with that on the basis of yesterdays efforts! My water intake is a little low and I don't know if I'll make it up but I'll try. I was disappointed because I ran out of water flavouring this morning. The way I have been drinking my water is cup after cup of hot flavoured water but I found a whole new pot in a drawer - yippee! I best get glugging!

Ooh, I had a surprise phonecall out of the blue this afternoon. It was my very first boss from when I moved to Edinburgh. He is a fantastic man - my surrogate dad when I had just moved there and was only 21. He gave me loads of practical advice when we bought our first flat and things like that. He retired years ago but I have kept in touch with him and I sent him my new addy/phone no when I moved so he decided to give me a call. It was really nice to chat to him (even if I did cough down his ear for most of it). It's been my week for talking to my ex bosses!

Gonna take it easy (again) this evening. Might have a chat with P later. We have been talking and texting over the last few days and we will see what happens, I might just see if we can talk on MSN because my throat is killing me!

 

[Dom1979]

I think that having weight issues can make you feel isolated - I know it makes me feel isolated! But the thing is, the majority of people AREN'T judging you at all. They really aren't. For a start I've seen your latest pictures, and you really really don't look bad! Believe me, I am the sort of person who would tell you if you had spinach in your teeth as soon as I noticed it, and if you looked bad in an outfit, I'd tell you that too. The person in your pictures does not look fat to me, she looks normal!

BTW, i wasn't suggesting that you were regretting your move. In a year (probably sooner) you will look back at these posts and think 'what was I worried about?', because you will be much more settled by then.

 

[Summerskye]

Hey sweetie

I wasn't even logged in when I started to reply to this (I sometimes don't bother when I just pop on to catch up with threads), so had to sign in just to say to you...

1) I think you're fab and lovely as you are - and you are so NOT fat!! OK, you want to lose a bit more but you've already come a long way and I have no doubts you'll get to where you want to be with CD (a change is as good as a rest so they say )

2) Stay away from the booze - not just because it lowers your determination to stick to SS'ing, but also because drinking whilst SS'ing really isn't the wisest thing to do as you don't have enough calories in your body to absorb the alcohol. You'll end up getting p*ssed that much quicker and either reach for the comfort food or end up feeling weepy (both of which I've done myself .. der!!)

3) There is no such thing as "thin = good/fat = bad". Much as I try, I can't think of any evidence for that whatsoever! There are good fat people in exactly the same measure as there are bad thin ones. You may not like to hear this, but you'll be exactly the same person on the inside when you reach target weight as you are now - and I happen to think that the person inside you is a damn good one already! You'll be the same 'you' that you've always been .. just in a smaller outer package.

Losing weight isn't the panacea for problems we have with our inner self-image (I can say that with absolute conviction having been there/done that now) - all it does is allow you to buy smaller-sized clothes, although it is always nice to receive the compliments, of course, which helps with building that extra bit of self-confidence.

You'll soon make new friends I'm sure - and another thing I'm sure of is that you'll never lose the true friends you've made elsewhere .. including all of us VFBC-ers who love ya loads!

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Sarah, I just caught up with your diary.. and there's SOOO much I wanna say! BUT.. I'll limit myself

You are NOT fat, you are NOT a failure.. you ARE fantastic, you ARE vibrant and vivacious, you ARE friendly and funny , you ARE a success! YOU are lovely!

In time you will make new friends.. but you have to stop thinking of yourself as a fat person, lol, coz you really aren't one! lol Believe me!!!

It's rotten feeling lonely, and it can happen even when out in a crowd too.. it's all about what's inside and what rotten stuff we need to deal with and get rid of.. so.. know this young lady (finger wagging) ... YOU are one of the loveliest people I have ever met.. (and I've met loads.. lol) and I know that you aren't going to feel lonely for always.. ok??

Mega hugs and mega congrats for wiping that board clean and starting afresh. I think the pics look fab - look at those boots!!! (never could understand how to balance in 'em) lol

 

[westiegirl]

I've been sitting here for 5 minutes with a blank reply to thread screen up, sitting with writers block!

First of all in response to the lovely comments from last night, I am actually lost for words. I am overwhelmed by the support on here and I do need it!

Dom, I know you weren't suggesting I was regretting my move, I was just thinking aloud. I know you would tell me the truth - and I would appreciate it - don't want to go out mutton dressed as lamb!

Sharon, you always know the right things to say. I need to get my inner head sorted and start to love myself and I will try! I know it's a long road but I guess I have to start with small steps!

Jennie, Thank you hunny. It means so much to have someone like you on my side! I promise I will try and practice self belief! The boots are lovely aren't they though I don't know how I managed to stay upright in them either!

 

[westiegirl]

Day 8 - Grrrr Delivery Man!

Well I don't know whether I am coming or going today!

Couldn't wake up this morning. Took some night nurse last night and I slept right through until 10.30am. It always wipes me out so I don't take it if I'm working, but as I'm not I guess I'm alright! Had to force myself out of bed because I was waiting for the delivery guys from Comet to come and swap my cooker. I bought a cooker last year (November) and as my kitchen hasn't been fitted yet I only discovered last week that they had brought me the wrong one. The one they delivered was worth less than half the one I had ordered (I bought a ceramic top one because I'm too lazy to clean it *lol*). I phoned last week and they arranged a swap over for today, no problems at all. However when the guy turned up today, what a miserable man! Firstly the bugger complained about the hill my house is on and the long path "should I get a taxi" he said. Very droll! Then he rolled his eyes when I said it was the top floor he needed to go to. I told him I had told the delivery office and if they'd delivered the right one in the first place then there wouldn't be a problem. Then, on his sheet he had that the cooker he was taking away was the same part number as the one he was delivering and because it wasn't, he couldn't do it. I told him if they weren't different then I wouldn't be swapping them would I? Keeping my calm I got him to phone the depot and reluctantly he agreed the swap, making it very clear that he was unhappy because it would add an extra half hour on his working day because he'd have to sort it out when he got back to the depot. I kept having to go into my mum and dad's lounge in order to breathe deeply! When it was done I went upstairs and they had pulled off the packing on the old one and just chucked it in the corner of my kitchen. Livid wasn't the word - but they'd already gone by then! Usually you get a post delivery survey call, I tell you I won't be holding back *lol*. Obviously I will be nice to the person on the phone because it is not their fault!

Next on the agenda was the visit from my new CDC. She was due at 12 noon, but phoned to say she was having trouble parking and would be late. She finally turned up apologetically at 12.50pm - I had seen her driving down the road for a bit but I live on a long one way street and it took her a while to find me. She seems very nice. She's been a CDC since CD first began and said the programme was her saviour. She's brought me 2 weeks worth of a mixture of packs and said to keep in touch and if I don't like anything she can swap it for me. I didn't get any bars because the official line is no bars for the first couple of weeks. As I'm ketosis already I wonder if she'll let me next week? I'll see how I go! I know the principles of CD but I'm still looking forward to reading my little book!

Started to write a job application letter but got a mental block so gratefully took the offer of going to the shops with my mum and dad as a way of procrastinating. Bought a few things - one of those 3litre Brita water cooler thingies. It's the one that sits on a table top and chills and dispenses the water. The RRP is £79.99 and it was in the sale a few weeks ago at £56.99. Today is was £44.99. Bargain, especially for me because I am struggling with the water and it's costing me a fortune. My kitchen is still just an empty room with no running water. All my water is bottled, and my kitchen is unlikely to be fitted out for at least another 4-6 weeks so I think this will be cost effective.

I also got some new scales. Mine measure body fat but not water and muscle, which the new ones do. They were £14.99 from Aldi so I'll see what they are like.

I have had such a lot in my head today that there is so much more I want to write, including needing some advice but I need a wee break. Gosh, this post is getting so big I'm even boring myself so I'll come back later!

 

[westiegirl]

Day 8 - Last Supper?

I needed that break! Had a play with my new toys and read my CD booklet.

Set up my new scales but they are completely different to my old ones. In fact they put me as a stone lighter - if only! I'll weigh myself in the morning and I'll be at goal *lol*.

That also reminds me that I took my measurements this morning:

Weight 11.13.4 (-8.4lbs)
BF 38.7%
Bust 42"
Waist 37"
Hips 42"

So a reduction all round! Hurrah!

So, where was I? Oh yes, I am wondering what the heck is going on with my cycle at the moment. I am currently on the pill (more for convenience rather than contraceptive reasons *lol*) and I still have another 5 days of my current pack left, however today I got my period! WTF? I did take a tablet late on Saturday (over the 12 hours) but took it as soon as I remembered (as it states in the leaflet) and have continued as usual since. Do you think that this might have triggered my period? Should I continue to take the rest of the pack and then stop for the usual week? I've never had this problem before and I've taken the pill for years, although my cycle really does get messed up when SSing. Buggerations! I guess it does make sense though - I'm in such a bad mood and want to curl up in a corner!

It might also explain the fact that I ate the other night and *holds hands up* I've eaten this afternoon. No recriminations again, just self analysis. It started just after my CDC had left and I did it again when I came back from the shops. I thought it was just a TOTM thing but I think I might be in mourning. I've just packed away all my spare LL packs, ready to go into the loft. I am starting CD anew tomorrow, rather than half way through a day. It will be the end of an era for me. Almost a year on LL and it ends, boom, just like that! I think I feel a little guilty for abandoning the programme that changed my life, like I'm turning my back on it. It might sound silly (well it does to me) but I am definately one of those people who are loathe to change! In a way I guess I'm also in the mindset of "the last supper", CD starts tomorrow, so what the heck if I eat. I don't think it has helped having the extra packs available. Starting tomorrow I will only have 3 per day and no extras available, so I'll just have to like it or lump it!

Finally, my virtual dating life is still on the up and I am still petrified! I have spoken to P most days and he is lovely. He is still "nerdy" but has such a cute laugh! He speaks so "well" I'm not quite sure whether he's my type or not. I think I would need to meet him to be sure. He's already said he would take me dancing if I go and see him and he drinks JD like me! Umm, interesting. Think I'm also inspiring him to get out the boring job he hates now and into something else. I guess I'll keep chatting and see what happens. J has also sent me a message through MSN this afternoon saying he hopes I feel better and if not he sends me hugs, kisses, flowers, sunshine etc and hopes this helps. Bless, that touched my heart! Finally a guy on Midsummers Eve has sent me a mail saying would I like to meet up for a drink in Llandudno sometime. That sent me into a spin! Oh jeez, am I ready for that!!! I replied that money was tight after xmas and I needed to save for my up coming trip to amsterdam and could we leave it a few weeks. No reply yet!

I need to move this thread to Chit Chat so that I can rename it "My Virtual Dating Life" *lol Karen*. You've got a lot to answer for girlie!!!!! Why do I have to be so scared!!!

 

[westiegirl]

Day 8 - After Eights are My Only Friends!

So is pizza and ice cream *lol*

Actually not lol at all, more like . I've done it now, I know exactly what has happened but I still turned to food and it DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!!!!

I guess it's been coming all day and I've known why and in my earlier posts I just didn't want to face up to it.

It's the same old chestnut - lonliness. Bugger, I can't see the screen because I'm crying!!!! And I'm having a nice conversation on MSN with J and I'm trying to be lighthearted because I don't want to scare him off and i've got such bad TOTM and and and........BREATHE FOR GOODNESS SAKES!!!! Now I've started a coughing fit!

Ok, back to the start. I guess it started with my brothers mate visiting. He's come from Devon and him and my brother are like brothers themselves. He was taken in by my mum when he was younger and is almost like my surrogate brother too. It was lovely to see him but he only arrived about 10pm last night. Today they have been out all day and tonight all the lads have gone out on the town. It's nice that they are having so much fun but it only highlights my lonliness. I didn't expect to be asked on a boys night out but i guess i feel a little upset because i asked my brother to come out with me both on friday and saturday nights and he wouldn't but he's out tonight - no problem. i don't want to rely on him, but in a lot of ways i do! he's the only social life i've had since i came here. I hate it!

Food will not make me feel better but I still turn to it. I am having a good time on MSN etc but it's not real is it? And that feels even more so now.

Oh god, what a sad b*tch I am. Get a life, not a cake *lol*.