When I was a kid, I felt fat.
I wasn't.
In other people, this would lead to anorexia. Me, I just ignored my weight. The first time I remember thinking "Wow, am I really fat?" I was 8 years old. I went to a neighbour's house to see if one of my friends was coming out to play. His dad answered the door, and said to me "Hey, have you lost weight? Your face is thinner." I was dumbstruck. I knew I'd felt fat, but nobody'd ever said anything to tell me I was fat. Now it had been confirmed.
I'm 5ft 7. My mom's 5ft nothing. When she got married she was seven and a half stone. From the time I was 12 years old, she used to tell me I was pearshaped. I'd go for a school uniform fitting and the skirt would be what she felt was too tight. She'd produce a bigger size and tell me I was pearshaped. Keep in mind that I never went above a size 10 in clothes until I was 18 years old, but there was my mother, telling me I was pearshaped and I shouldn't weigh over 8 stone.
I moved out of home when I was 17, and went to college. In college, I started putting on weight. My mindset was "I'm already a fat chick so what does it matter?" My weight crept up, 3lbs, then 2lbs more, then 4lbs... up and up, gently gently.
My self image was so messed up that I went through a horrendous four-year relationship from age 21 to age 25. I started at 9.5 stone, left the relationship at around 11 stone. Not huge, but not svelte.
I sorted my life out - new job, new town - and for a long time my weight stabilised at 11 stone. Then it crept up by another half a stone, and still I would think "well this is probaly the right weight for me, 11.5 stone, I mean it went on evenly so I don't look fat..."
My parents started telling me I was fat. My father went on and on and on about it. At my brother's wedding in 2003, he told anyone who'd listen that I had a fat ass. At the end of the night I went off to bed and my eldest brother started the biggest fight my family had ever seen with my father, and told both of my parents that if they didnt stop messing with my image of myself I'd eventually get so sick of it I'd never speak to them again.
Well they shut up after that, but it didn't make a difference. I was so mired in my image of myself I just kept going - eating healthy food, but too much of it, and drinking far too much beer. I was 12 stone 12lbs and a size 16 when I went on holidays for Christmas 2006. Overweight, but not obese. I met a friend I'd know from university. She knew me when I was a size 10. We talked about our weight - but even though she was a size 8 in university, she's a size 12 now and working on losing some weight (she's about 5ft 4).
I realised that my weight gain wasn't "okay", and shouldn't really be treated as something I expected all along. I'm applying for a visa to emigrate to Australia, and the visa doctor, when he weighed me, told me "Catch it now, or you'll never catch it."
I started eating less, but progress was really slow. Plus my self image is too fragile for slow progress. I get defeated easily. So now here I am, catching it. When I call up a mental image of myself, it's no longer a size 16 woman, it's the size 10 creature I once was and was too clueless to appreciate. And I've stopped listening to what other people are saying about my weight.