Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary
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FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
well, yet again I have had to do the chasing up - I don't think my sister has a clue as to how frustrating it is to be kept waiting for hours on end for even the smallest bit of news!! She simply handed the phone to my mum! I had to ask where she was and she almost bit my head off and spat out the words "I'm in hospital of course!!"
Well - how was I to know!?? It had been hours since my sister last rang and I never know what's going on!!! So, I bit my tongue and asked how she was doing... another snappy answer but I expect that really... she told me she was partially "unbunged" but they were continuing the unbunging tonight too - nice! lol lol
I asked her if she'd had her biopsy and she has... I asked if she had had any feedback from her scans yesterday and the blood tests they'd carried out... I was floored by her response... "Jennie, I have to wait until Wednesday at 2pm for the results and that's the end of it!" ... how can she be so resigned to continuing in ignorance?? She doesn't even know why they did the scans they did... she doesn't know what they were testing her blood for... she has no idea what the scans show or don't show... she simply is accepting that she will wait until next Wednesday when all will be revealed by the consultant! I sighed, and she told me off.. I couldn't help it!! I am sooo frustrated! She said "you can be there too if you want to, although it's not necessary, but if you want to you can be." ... gee thanks mum... I am supposed to be sitting an exam next Wednesday afternoon but I'm not now... I AM going to the damn meeting with the consultant! I CANNOT rely on my sister nor my mother either asking the right questions nor reporting back the correct answers!!! Sod the exam... I can do that another time and I really couldn't give a rats behind about it!
I asked if she knows how long she will be in hospital and my sister chipped in with - well , not before Saturday because I don't have time for her to come home before then!!!!! FFS!!!! I KEEP offering to go down and be there for her... she told my daughter last night that she didn't know what she'd do without my sister!!
Sometimes I wish I was the one who had no job, no mortgage, living on handouts and having all my rent etc paid for me... with the luxury of the freedom to be the daughter she needs me to be.... *sigh*
I have offered to go down.. they both keep saying no... well, tough, tomorrow I will go and "visit" her in the hospital, and, whilst there, I am going to ask to see her notes... and, to speak to any doctor who is available to discuss them with me... I am going to find out precisely where and when this appointment is next week and I am bloody well going to be there! WITH my list!!!
I can't bear this not knowing and it's beyond me how my sister can!?!?!? as for mum... I guess she is in denial ... I'm not. I told the nurse all about it today when I went for my regular check.. my blood pressure is up (well, what a surprise... lol ) but according to her scales I've lost 3.6kg since last time (2 weeks ago)... I told her what was going on and she and I talk very frankly, and we both err on the less positive outcome as the greatest possibility... but then, we could be wrong... BUT... until someone flippin tells me I KNOW NOTHING!
Sorry but I want to know now, not in another week's time... I KNOW they will already know... scans are instant... biopsy's aren't but, a few days is usually enough... blood tests taken last night will be back now too.. and ct scan and bone scan should be available instantly as all done electronically... the ONLY thing I can think is that there are rules about telling patients news that the consultant feels they should only hear from them... which... once again has my imagination in overdrive!!
It is my belief that this growth is a malignant one and is not restricted to the one area... it is my belief that her liver is beginning to react too and that the news on Wednesday will not be good news. I KNOW it COULD be good(ish) news... it COULD be that the growth is benign, isolated and operable... but you know what... I can't help thinking that if that were the case then they would be falling over themselves to tell her... to put her mind at ease... their silence makes me suspicious..
Ok, I may be a looney tunes to think this way, but there you have it... it's what I think.. and what my nurse thinks too... and what one of my closest friends (also a very experienced nurse) thinks too...
Let's just hope we are ALL wrong.
As for the weigh in - another real pi$$er - stayed the same!! Gutted.. going to be ultra tough now to battle on this week but SS'ing today so will carry on now doing SS until my national bike rally in September... no matter what happens... THIS, I CAN AND WILL CONTROL!!
Yours in barking madness.... FFnF xxx
Well - how was I to know!?? It had been hours since my sister last rang and I never know what's going on!!! So, I bit my tongue and asked how she was doing... another snappy answer but I expect that really... she told me she was partially "unbunged" but they were continuing the unbunging tonight too - nice! lol lol
I asked her if she'd had her biopsy and she has... I asked if she had had any feedback from her scans yesterday and the blood tests they'd carried out... I was floored by her response... "Jennie, I have to wait until Wednesday at 2pm for the results and that's the end of it!" ... how can she be so resigned to continuing in ignorance?? She doesn't even know why they did the scans they did... she doesn't know what they were testing her blood for... she has no idea what the scans show or don't show... she simply is accepting that she will wait until next Wednesday when all will be revealed by the consultant! I sighed, and she told me off.. I couldn't help it!! I am sooo frustrated! She said "you can be there too if you want to, although it's not necessary, but if you want to you can be." ... gee thanks mum... I am supposed to be sitting an exam next Wednesday afternoon but I'm not now... I AM going to the damn meeting with the consultant! I CANNOT rely on my sister nor my mother either asking the right questions nor reporting back the correct answers!!! Sod the exam... I can do that another time and I really couldn't give a rats behind about it!
I asked if she knows how long she will be in hospital and my sister chipped in with - well , not before Saturday because I don't have time for her to come home before then!!!!! FFS!!!! I KEEP offering to go down and be there for her... she told my daughter last night that she didn't know what she'd do without my sister!!
Sometimes I wish I was the one who had no job, no mortgage, living on handouts and having all my rent etc paid for me... with the luxury of the freedom to be the daughter she needs me to be.... *sigh*
I have offered to go down.. they both keep saying no... well, tough, tomorrow I will go and "visit" her in the hospital, and, whilst there, I am going to ask to see her notes... and, to speak to any doctor who is available to discuss them with me... I am going to find out precisely where and when this appointment is next week and I am bloody well going to be there! WITH my list!!!
I can't bear this not knowing and it's beyond me how my sister can!?!?!? as for mum... I guess she is in denial ... I'm not. I told the nurse all about it today when I went for my regular check.. my blood pressure is up (well, what a surprise... lol ) but according to her scales I've lost 3.6kg since last time (2 weeks ago)... I told her what was going on and she and I talk very frankly, and we both err on the less positive outcome as the greatest possibility... but then, we could be wrong... BUT... until someone flippin tells me I KNOW NOTHING!
Sorry but I want to know now, not in another week's time... I KNOW they will already know... scans are instant... biopsy's aren't but, a few days is usually enough... blood tests taken last night will be back now too.. and ct scan and bone scan should be available instantly as all done electronically... the ONLY thing I can think is that there are rules about telling patients news that the consultant feels they should only hear from them... which... once again has my imagination in overdrive!!
It is my belief that this growth is a malignant one and is not restricted to the one area... it is my belief that her liver is beginning to react too and that the news on Wednesday will not be good news. I KNOW it COULD be good(ish) news... it COULD be that the growth is benign, isolated and operable... but you know what... I can't help thinking that if that were the case then they would be falling over themselves to tell her... to put her mind at ease... their silence makes me suspicious..
Ok, I may be a looney tunes to think this way, but there you have it... it's what I think.. and what my nurse thinks too... and what one of my closest friends (also a very experienced nurse) thinks too...
Let's just hope we are ALL wrong.
As for the weigh in - another real pi$$er - stayed the same!! Gutted.. going to be ultra tough now to battle on this week but SS'ing today so will carry on now doing SS until my national bike rally in September... no matter what happens... THIS, I CAN AND WILL CONTROL!!
Yours in barking madness.... FFnF xxx
Redpam
Living the Life
Oh, Jennie, I can feel your frustration and how awful it must be not knowing anything definite. I must admit I am like you and always want to know exactly what is going on.
I do hope you find someone you can talk to at the hospital tomorrow.
Take care and big ((((hugs))))
Pam xxx
I do hope you find someone you can talk to at the hospital tomorrow.
Take care and big ((((hugs))))
Pam xxx
Karen1972
Gold Member
Totally understand your frustration with hospital, mum and your sis. I had same issues when my mum was in hospital with her liver disease. Had a big fall out with one sis actually. Highly emotional times though for everyone.
If you want to be there with your mum then just go, I'm sure you don't need their permission lol.
Hope today is better for you sweetheart xxx
If you want to be there with your mum then just go, I'm sure you don't need their permission lol.
Hope today is better for you sweetheart xxx
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Been at work since about 6.30am (not supposed to start here 'til 8) but I woke up early and just couldn't bear to be in the house with HWSNBN hovering over me all the bloody time... I KNOW he means well, but seriously, can I not even get up and go downstairs for a drink without him getting up from his bed and trundling down stairs to "check I am ok"... it's suffocating!! Sorry - I have less tolerance than a trip-wire right now, and I know it too... it's scary mode ...
So - at work and printer churning out stuff, emails dealt with and steaming into a pile of pretty much ignored work of this last week or so... have sent message asking boss if I can leave early so I can get to hospital to see mum before the onslaught of traffic hits the M25 etc big style... I know I will probably get a load of flak from my sister and my mother for going but I don't care right now... I NEED to see my mum, to SEE how she is... ar$ey or not, I want to see her and show her I DO care, that I love her and am worried about her and that I AM there for her even if not on her doorstep or out with her bank card buying stuff!!
I am going to write my list and take it with me, I am going to see what I can glean without causing any upset or making it look like I feel I am uninformed (but that's how it feels)... my sis will be pre-occupied with her daughter this weekend (she is coming down for a visit)... so heaven help the hospital - they are both a pair of foghorns! lol lol
I have a feeling mum may be relishing all the attention she is getting right now too - and why the hell not eh? IF she is as ill as I think she is... and clearly.. the Dr saying "this is a very poorly lady" to my sister, would infer that she is.... then she's entitled to want as much attention as possible... that said.. I am extremely worried that she is going to completely immerse herself in "patient" status.. even when home...
I will be going to the house to find out what's going on there with this hand rail malarky too - some nonsense yesterday from the guy doing it saying he couldn't because it was raining and he had to cut the wood to length outdoors... for goodness sake... measure it and cut the damn stuff in your garage and bring it already to install! It's NOT rocket science!! Grrrr... I don't know... where IS the common sense in this world... or am I just being particularly harsh expecting a certain base level of intelligence...
Hmmph... roll on 11am when I am gonna set off on my mission for information and peace of mind!
(Still pi$$ed off at no weight loss this week... I swear, I had better have shifted at least 4lbs this week or I am going to be even more unhappy!! lol)
Betcha just LOVE my updates right now... lololololol ah well... laters folks xxxx
So - at work and printer churning out stuff, emails dealt with and steaming into a pile of pretty much ignored work of this last week or so... have sent message asking boss if I can leave early so I can get to hospital to see mum before the onslaught of traffic hits the M25 etc big style... I know I will probably get a load of flak from my sister and my mother for going but I don't care right now... I NEED to see my mum, to SEE how she is... ar$ey or not, I want to see her and show her I DO care, that I love her and am worried about her and that I AM there for her even if not on her doorstep or out with her bank card buying stuff!!
I am going to write my list and take it with me, I am going to see what I can glean without causing any upset or making it look like I feel I am uninformed (but that's how it feels)... my sis will be pre-occupied with her daughter this weekend (she is coming down for a visit)... so heaven help the hospital - they are both a pair of foghorns! lol lol
I have a feeling mum may be relishing all the attention she is getting right now too - and why the hell not eh? IF she is as ill as I think she is... and clearly.. the Dr saying "this is a very poorly lady" to my sister, would infer that she is.... then she's entitled to want as much attention as possible... that said.. I am extremely worried that she is going to completely immerse herself in "patient" status.. even when home...
I will be going to the house to find out what's going on there with this hand rail malarky too - some nonsense yesterday from the guy doing it saying he couldn't because it was raining and he had to cut the wood to length outdoors... for goodness sake... measure it and cut the damn stuff in your garage and bring it already to install! It's NOT rocket science!! Grrrr... I don't know... where IS the common sense in this world... or am I just being particularly harsh expecting a certain base level of intelligence...
Hmmph... roll on 11am when I am gonna set off on my mission for information and peace of mind!
(Still pi$$ed off at no weight loss this week... I swear, I had better have shifted at least 4lbs this week or I am going to be even more unhappy!! lol)
Betcha just LOVE my updates right now... lololololol ah well... laters folks xxxx
HopeSprings
Gold Member
I've used my diary to sound off my frustrations, anger and emotion for the whole time I've kept it. My counsellor's told me it's therapeutic and I'm convinced it's true. If we keep all our thoughts in our head they'll build up like a pressure cooker and our head's will explode 
What a horrible mess for someone to clear up....
I really feel for you having HWSNBN lurking around, fair play for you.... I'd have felt like saying eff off and leave me alone!
Fingers crossed the M25's kind to you later.
Much love xxx
What a horrible mess for someone to clear up.... I really feel for you having HWSNBN lurking around, fair play for you.... I'd have felt like saying eff off and leave me alone!
Fingers crossed the M25's kind to you later.
Much love xxx
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
I'm using mum's laptop as I've decided to stay down here tonight to give my sister the chance to spend the evening with her daughter and sons - they have a celebratory meal planned and it will mean she (sis) won't have to drive back here to mums late tonight unless she really wants to.
The next door neighbour has just taken her dog out for a walk - which I am glad for as I was going to do it.. but to be honest I feel so wrung out it's ridiculous!
I got to the hospital at about 12.45pm and by 1.30pm I knew pretty much everything I need to for now.
It is precisely what I expected to hear.. the scan has shown she has metasteses in her lower spine, pelvis, abdomen and one of her ribs. They took a biopsy of the tumour on her pelvis/hip yesterday and have not got the results back yet. Her haemoglobin count is low and they are considering giving her a transfusion. No signs of shadows in her chest at this stage. I managed to find all of this out within 10 minutes of talking to the Dr who was looking after her today. She would not say "it is cancer" she said she could not say that but that the scan showed the tumour in her abdomen was a secondary to her breast cancer and there were matastes in all those areas...
I saw mum and we kissed and chatted, and THEN a nurse told me that mum has MRSA!! So I had to put on gloves and an apron.. bit late really... am shocked they are discharging her tomorrow if has MRSA though... I thought it meant like a quarantine type treatment...
We chatted and I asked her if she had seen the Dr today and she mumbled a bit about it and said that even though no-one has told her its cancer she knows it is... and that there's no point weeping and wailing about it, and that when we know exactly what we're dealing with on Wednesday next week we will just have to deal with it! (Apple doesn't fall far from the tree eh...?)
So.. I offered to stay here and here I am... sis was supposed to head back to her place but came back here with her daughter and she asked me if I had got anywhere with the Dr.. so I asked if she really wanted me to tell her what I knew and if so I would and if not then she could wait until Wednesday... she wanted to know... I told her.. we both cried... we hugged... we talked... she is going to tell her sons this evening and I have to tell my daughters too... but that's ok.. we can do that, and this way, we will be prepared for Wednesday and will be armed with a book full of questions!
I feel odd... slightly detached somehow.. relieved and sad too... weird feeling.. can't really describe it adequately...
Glad it's the weekend and glad I can tell HWSBN over the phone so I don't have to watch him fall apart .. because he will... have cheated on diet - ate a handful of kitkat bits or whatever they're called.. and only have one pack with me.. so had chicken and salad.. resisted urge to buy all kinds of stuff at Tesco.. wish I'd got more packs with me.. back on track tomorrow... cannot allow this to scupper things... might even start exercising.. use up and also generate some energy... have a feeling I'm going to need it in the coming weeks and maybe months..
The next door neighbour has just taken her dog out for a walk - which I am glad for as I was going to do it.. but to be honest I feel so wrung out it's ridiculous!
I got to the hospital at about 12.45pm and by 1.30pm I knew pretty much everything I need to for now.
It is precisely what I expected to hear.. the scan has shown she has metasteses in her lower spine, pelvis, abdomen and one of her ribs. They took a biopsy of the tumour on her pelvis/hip yesterday and have not got the results back yet. Her haemoglobin count is low and they are considering giving her a transfusion. No signs of shadows in her chest at this stage. I managed to find all of this out within 10 minutes of talking to the Dr who was looking after her today. She would not say "it is cancer" she said she could not say that but that the scan showed the tumour in her abdomen was a secondary to her breast cancer and there were matastes in all those areas...
I saw mum and we kissed and chatted, and THEN a nurse told me that mum has MRSA!! So I had to put on gloves and an apron.. bit late really... am shocked they are discharging her tomorrow if has MRSA though... I thought it meant like a quarantine type treatment...
We chatted and I asked her if she had seen the Dr today and she mumbled a bit about it and said that even though no-one has told her its cancer she knows it is... and that there's no point weeping and wailing about it, and that when we know exactly what we're dealing with on Wednesday next week we will just have to deal with it! (Apple doesn't fall far from the tree eh...?)
So.. I offered to stay here and here I am... sis was supposed to head back to her place but came back here with her daughter and she asked me if I had got anywhere with the Dr.. so I asked if she really wanted me to tell her what I knew and if so I would and if not then she could wait until Wednesday... she wanted to know... I told her.. we both cried... we hugged... we talked... she is going to tell her sons this evening and I have to tell my daughters too... but that's ok.. we can do that, and this way, we will be prepared for Wednesday and will be armed with a book full of questions!
I feel odd... slightly detached somehow.. relieved and sad too... weird feeling.. can't really describe it adequately...
Glad it's the weekend and glad I can tell HWSBN over the phone so I don't have to watch him fall apart .. because he will... have cheated on diet - ate a handful of kitkat bits or whatever they're called.. and only have one pack with me.. so had chicken and salad.. resisted urge to buy all kinds of stuff at Tesco.. wish I'd got more packs with me.. back on track tomorrow... cannot allow this to scupper things... might even start exercising.. use up and also generate some energy... have a feeling I'm going to need it in the coming weeks and maybe months..
Redpam
Living the Life
At least you now know what you are dealing with. ((((Hugs))))
My Dad did not know he had prostate cancer until it had spread to his bones, which was discovered by a chest x-ray. He still lived for another three years, Jennie, so dont give up yet.
Thinking of you.
Pam xxx
My Dad did not know he had prostate cancer until it had spread to his bones, which was discovered by a chest x-ray. He still lived for another three years, Jennie, so dont give up yet.
Thinking of you.
Pam xxx
pandora
finding my way again !
Oh sweetheart , I am so sorry to hear this , but as you say now you have the facts you can face them & deal with them .
As for the MRSA thing , there are hundreds on hundreds of people on the community with it , many unaware , it only really becomes a problem when it gets in a wound or blood .
If you need sustinance to give you strength do it sensibly , chicken & salad & see it as the medication you need now
Love as always
Xxxx
As for the MRSA thing , there are hundreds on hundreds of people on the community with it , many unaware , it only really becomes a problem when it gets in a wound or blood .
If you need sustinance to give you strength do it sensibly , chicken & salad & see it as the medication you need now
Love as always
Xxxx
HopeSprings
Gold Member
Darling, we're always here to chat to.... I went through exactly the same with my Mum. Waiting and waiting then finally I sat with her when she asked how long she'd got :cry: They told her 6 months but she lived for 12 months. It's such a terribly cruel disease.
When she'd had breast cancer 10 years before she'd said that it made her realise how lucky she was when she saw little children running around who'd lost all their hair. She'd lived a life that was reasonably long (64 years then) and those poor little mites had so little.
For her they didn't know if her lung cancer was primary, the liver or the kidney. It didn't matter really where it had started.
Life precious.... do what feels right for you.... big hugs xxx
When she'd had breast cancer 10 years before she'd said that it made her realise how lucky she was when she saw little children running around who'd lost all their hair. She'd lived a life that was reasonably long (64 years then) and those poor little mites had so little.
For her they didn't know if her lung cancer was primary, the liver or the kidney. It didn't matter really where it had started.
Life precious.... do what feels right for you.... big hugs xxx
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
Morning all - weird night... dreamt about my dad (he died in 1985) and mum. We (me and mum and sis) were in Australia (never been there) lol, and it was Christmas time.. and mum was laying on a sofa and I was a gardner... top male totty mates apparantly.. I was watering the garden and chatting to the chap who owned the house I was gardening at (although, bizarrely I think we were also guests there) and in the eve I was back in the UK with sis and it was Christmas Eve.. and we were wandering around the shops.. and just generally chatting.. then I flicked back to Australia and mum, she told me that dad had just died... then I was back in the UK with sis.. told her.. then it was Christmas Day and we were back in Australia in adjoining bedrooms which, oddly, looked like home.. and I could hear her wrapping presents.. I hadn't bought any for her and mum recently but I had some "in store" and I managed to find gifts and paper... then I was at my Dad's work (although it wasn't anything like where he used to work.. lol) and I was having it out (arguing) with his boss about something...
I woke up knackered this morning! lol Global dreams eh? Who'd have 'em!
In "practical" mode this morning and have cleaned mum's kitchen and living /dining room and polished too. Just to sweep the stairs where the joiner left his mess (drillings and wood shavings) and then do a bit of ironing and all will be in order for her return home later today.
Sis came back here after I had gone to bed last night but she came into the bedroom and we talked... bless her... she's now at the stage I was at a week ago when I realised how bad it might be... ooh, I can hear her moving about upstairs so will sign off for now.. back later.
Thank you for all your lovely words... I'm okish at the moment - at this stage it's merely information I think, and a bit surreal.. or maybe I am simply coping as much as I can right now.. I think the 2 ginger biscuits and 1 cream cracker, and kitkat bits I scavenged last night may have helped... However... spicy tomato soup for breakfast (cd of course) and will be sticking to the old SS'ing for the foreseeable now.. not even doing the chicken salad route... need to focus on something that will have a positive outcome..
Roll on Wednesday when we will find out more about the future for my lovely (although will be a sodding nightmare patient) mother xx
P.S. I am SO glad I made the decision to go yesterday and do what I did.
I woke up knackered this morning! lol Global dreams eh? Who'd have 'em!
In "practical" mode this morning and have cleaned mum's kitchen and living /dining room and polished too. Just to sweep the stairs where the joiner left his mess (drillings and wood shavings) and then do a bit of ironing and all will be in order for her return home later today.
Sis came back here after I had gone to bed last night but she came into the bedroom and we talked... bless her... she's now at the stage I was at a week ago when I realised how bad it might be... ooh, I can hear her moving about upstairs so will sign off for now.. back later.
Thank you for all your lovely words... I'm okish at the moment - at this stage it's merely information I think, and a bit surreal.. or maybe I am simply coping as much as I can right now.. I think the 2 ginger biscuits and 1 cream cracker, and kitkat bits I scavenged last night may have helped...
However... spicy tomato soup for breakfast (cd of course) and will be sticking to the old SS'ing for the foreseeable now.. not even doing the chicken salad route... need to focus on something that will have a positive outcome..Roll on Wednesday when we will find out more about the future for my lovely (although will be a sodding nightmare patient) mother
xxP.S. I am SO glad I made the decision to go yesterday and do what I did.
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
knackered.com home and having a kip..
FatFairNForty(ish)
Gold Member
gosh it's quiet on here... lol sorry if I've killed off any kind of conversation.. but I know it's hard to know what (if anything) to say at such times as these... so it's ok to just be as "normal" (although I don't think I have EVER been that!) as possible..
had a nod off this afternoon which is why I am awake now and downstairs in the living room watching telly. HWSNBN is very upset about my mum and he cried when I told him what I anticipate will happen ... I haven't cried since I got home., but then, I know as soon as I speak to some of my friends that I probably shall..
Glad that sis and I have "cleared the air" a bit, and I have had some lovely message exchanges with my daughters... as always.. we gather together when we need to be strong.. my poor girls have been through so much in their lives... this is going to be a really tough time for them... as for my sis... she has her kids and her fiancee to support her, although I am here for her too... but I am sure she will lean on her friends too..
I knew yesterday that I would find out things if I went down there, in some ways I wish I had gone sooner but it would only have saved my frustrations... nothing else.. Wednesday is not going to go down in my diary as the best day of the year.. but probably it will be the most memorable.. I cannot begin to imagine what's going through my mum's mind... my sister is a wreck at the moment, but then, she hasn't really really thought as I have... she has been a bit of an ostrich - a great coping strategy, but, sadly, it cannot be indefinite... so.. I feel really sorry for her as I think she is about a week behind me on the emotions front and that means it's going to be a veryvery tough time for her ...
Mum rang and said she had a nap and is feeling very very tired... but is glad to be home and managed to get up the stairs and down again.. but it took all her energy... it's so unlike her... she has always been so active, walking miles each day.. driving... fetching and carrying... she's a do-er, she's on so many committees etc... I don't envy her the task of facing folks when they know what's what... it's going to be utterly draining for her... bless her... I wish I could ease her burdens... and, if she will allow me, I shall do everything I can.. but, she is terribly stubborn (hmmm, wonder who that reminds me of...) so will be superbly independent for as long as possible, which will be a very positive thing for her... although I am not sure how much fight she has left in her... she was so rough last week she told my sis she wanted to die... Here's hoping she doesn't feel that way too often, although I suspect she will... and it will be normal for her to do so..
It's weird... as we were joking on holiday about euthanasia... and flying out to Switzerland etc etc... hope she's forgotten that conversation !!!!! I don't fancy that kind of trip with her! Although, I have to say, if it was what she wanted, I wouldn't hesitate to support her decisions... at the end of the day, this is her life, her body and her decision...
I love my mum so so much, I just really hope she knows that... it's going to be tough methinks... but we will cope... because we have to.
So, tomorrow I may go out on Hattie and see some biking mates... get some fresh air, might do some baking too... but have to do something to recharge my "happy" batteries...
waffle...waffle... waffle...
had a nod off this afternoon which is why I am awake now and downstairs in the living room watching telly. HWSNBN is very upset about my mum and he cried when I told him what I anticipate will happen ... I haven't cried since I got home., but then, I know as soon as I speak to some of my friends that I probably shall..
Glad that sis and I have "cleared the air" a bit, and I have had some lovely message exchanges with my daughters... as always.. we gather together when we need to be strong.. my poor girls have been through so much in their lives... this is going to be a really tough time for them... as for my sis... she has her kids and her fiancee to support her, although I am here for her too... but I am sure she will lean on her friends too..
I knew yesterday that I would find out things if I went down there, in some ways I wish I had gone sooner but it would only have saved my frustrations... nothing else.. Wednesday is not going to go down in my diary as the best day of the year.. but probably it will be the most memorable.. I cannot begin to imagine what's going through my mum's mind... my sister is a wreck at the moment, but then, she hasn't really really thought as I have... she has been a bit of an ostrich - a great coping strategy, but, sadly, it cannot be indefinite... so.. I feel really sorry for her as I think she is about a week behind me on the emotions front and that means it's going to be a veryvery tough time for her ...
Mum rang and said she had a nap and is feeling very very tired... but is glad to be home and managed to get up the stairs and down again.. but it took all her energy... it's so unlike her... she has always been so active, walking miles each day.. driving... fetching and carrying... she's a do-er, she's on so many committees etc... I don't envy her the task of facing folks when they know what's what... it's going to be utterly draining for her... bless her... I wish I could ease her burdens... and, if she will allow me, I shall do everything I can.. but, she is terribly stubborn (hmmm, wonder who that reminds me of...) so will be superbly independent for as long as possible, which will be a very positive thing for her... although I am not sure how much fight she has left in her... she was so rough last week she told my sis she wanted to die... Here's hoping she doesn't feel that way too often, although I suspect she will... and it will be normal for her to do so..
It's weird... as we were joking on holiday about euthanasia... and flying out to Switzerland etc etc... hope she's forgotten that conversation !!!!! I don't fancy that kind of trip with her! Although, I have to say, if it was what she wanted, I wouldn't hesitate to support her decisions... at the end of the day, this is her life, her body and her decision...
I love my mum so so much, I just really hope she knows that... it's going to be tough methinks... but we will cope... because we have to.
So, tomorrow I may go out on Hattie and see some biking mates... get some fresh air, might do some baking too... but have to do something to recharge my "happy" batteries...
waffle...waffle... waffle...
Redpam
Living the Life
((((hugs)))), Jennie.
Yes you will cope because we always do because there is nothing else we can do.
I would think your Mum is as strong as you and she will cope very well I am sure. Perhaps she has had this at the back of her mind for a well and is not such a shock as you may think.
I hope you manage to good a good nights sleep despite your nap this afternoon.
Pam xxx
Yes you will cope because we always do because there is nothing else we can do.
I would think your Mum is as strong as you and she will cope very well I am sure. Perhaps she has had this at the back of her mind for a well and is not such a shock as you may think.
I hope you manage to good a good nights sleep despite your nap this afternoon.
Pam xxx
